


Mischief

by RawPrincess



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, I don't know how, I don't know how to be fun in the tags, I see people do it, I want to be fun like them, My First Fanfic, POV First Person, Rated for sex scenes in later chapters, WTF, thanks for your time, this what you get
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-17
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-05-14 10:17:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 55
Words: 123,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5739892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RawPrincess/pseuds/RawPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Juniper Malfoy was brought up in a muggle orphanage, where she was stashed by her parents to protect her from a family curse. Now that she is of age the only thing that can keep her heart beating (literally) is the love of her soulmate and an enchanted heirloom. Pity no one told her that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Nutjob

20th of April 1990

11:47 a.m.

Pembride Children's Institute, Devon.

I stared out the single-paned window at the overcast sky. I could hear some children chattering in the next room, and the gurgle of the pipes. Overall the old house was quite still.

I had the best room. I had been there the longest by far, and the privilege served as a sort of apology. ’Sorry you’ve been forgotten in this human dumping ground’, the four walls whispered.

There wasn’t much to do in Pembride, mostly I read books and grew taller. Once I tried singing, but we had no radio, and I only knew Christmas carols. Pembride wasn’t supposed to be a permanent home. This house wasn’t meant to contain a person for more than a few months, yet it was all I knew. Once I turned eighteen and I was allowed to leave the home, I had towering aspirations of not being immediately locked up in a closed ward. A girl can dream.  
I strolled over to my cot and lay down to admire my fingernails. Halfway through the task, I froze. It couldn’t be. If I didn’t know any better I would have thought that the front door of the building had just opened. The reception workers weren’t due to leave until the change over at three o’clock, but I knew that creak. There was a burble of chatter, and a crash as the door was shut.

There was a stranger in the house. My skin prickled. I hurried to exit my room and made my way down the bright white of the dormitory corridor. At the stairs I paused, definitely voices. We didn’t have a television, newspapers were rarely discarded within reach, and the home didn’t take in children over twelve. It was the occasional visiting stranger that served as my window into the world beyond the institute's fences. A high beam of information to illuminate my solitary existence.

It was a man, he had been taken in by Ms. Cartridge to sit in the canteen. They sat across from each other at one of the hardwood benched. Two mugs of tea were placed between them. Someone was smiling down on me, the door had been left ajar. A wizened man with a congenial expression was just visible. His clothes seemed bizarre to me, but it’s hardly his fault that the majority of the visitors here couldn’t escape dressing in the most boring clothes available to womankind.

“Feel free to call me Albus, I’m so glad that you could find the time to help,” he said, he smoothed down his impossibly long white beard and Ms. Cartridge followed his hand with her narrow eyes. She was the least helpful person on earth so already I was drawn in by the conversation.

“Help?” she hissed through the gaps between her long, thin teeth.

“You mentioned you could help me trace my family tree.”

“I did?”

“Are you alright? You seem a little confused.” The man didn’t look as concerned as he sounded. He looked like he was waiting for something.

“I may have a head cold coming on, but that's immaterial. Our records are strictly confidential.”

“But you’ve already given me the institutes’ record on my Great Uncle Bertie,” Albus replied pleasantly.

“Your Great Uncle?” Ms. Cartridge asked, “But our records only go back to 1968.” I wondered if she even realised she was being rude.

“Yes, it was sadly empty. Odd since he was the longest remaining resident, he once told me he spent years here.”

“You must be mistaken, no child stays long Mr. Dummeldore. This is a temporary dwelling for matters of urgency only. We’ve had a very rare exception to that, and I am not at liberty to discuss it.”

“I wouldn’t want to pry,” the man replied in a tone that suggested he would very much like to pry. Ms. Cartridge sipped her tea through pursed lips, and grimaced as though it were bitter.

“The children are supposed to be taken from here by a guardian or a set of guardians put in place before they even arrive.”

“It seems unlikely that a child would remain if that’s the system.”

“Sometimes the guardian falls through, in some cases, many do.” In one case, all do. Ms. Cartridge had lost the run of herself, but it wasn’t unusual for me to hear myself spoken of in such a way. I was an anomaly and an annoyance.

“What happens to the child then?”  
“They wait, never long.” Try seventeen years. They sipped their tea.

“Does such a child live here now?” the man asked, I could tell by her posture that she wasn’t interested in answering, but then the reply came.

“Juniper Malfoy is a particularly unfortunate girl. We think she might be ill, but there’s no doctor that can help her, and no guardian that will take her.” Harsh.

“Malfoy, are you sure?” His tone was one of polite interest.

“Positive.”

"I see, I'm afraid I must go, but I shall return."

"Return? What for?"

"That girl has been missing. She has people looking for her." Not possible.

"That's not possible." Thank you. "She's not the person you're looking for, we've looked everywhere for someone that might take her off our hands. No one wants her." and fuck you.

I didn't hear anymore. The bearded man was already standing, and I was forced to flee.

* * *

 

I lay on my cot that night, not standing to close the blinds or turn on the light as the room got darker. I chewed my nail. Could it be possible? I was an orphan, I'd been drifting all my life. could there be an end to that? Something else? Like a girl from a novel, could something more happen to me?

* * *

 

I didn't eat the next day. The man, Albus, he had infected me with a sickness. I could not afford to hope, but even that he might talk to me was exciting. That he might return to talk to me. My life had been so long, whiling away the days, pretending. Getting odd looks from staff who feared for their safety just because I had a tendency to daydream... and talk to myself... and guess things I shouldn't know. It's not a crime to have an imagination.

I managed to leave my room at least, although I encountered unnecessary drama for my trouble. The white tiled toilets in Pembride were filled with several industrial plastic cubicles. Once I reached my teens I avoided the less private facilities and simply used the staff toilets. Unfortunately as she occasionally did Ms. Cartridge had chosen this week to take against me and my love of 'taking liberties'. Rolling my eyes at the new lock on the staff bathroom I entered what I had come to think of as the kids toilets to find a girl crying inside with her hands fisted in a pair of tracksuit bottoms which were clearly too small. 

She lifted her dark eyes to look at me, tears continued to rush down her cheeks. I danced on the spot for a moment, motivated by little more than something between a desire to run away and a desperation to wee.

"Just a second," I told her, my voice hoarse as it often was when I deigned to speak. I darted into the cubicle cursing Cartridge and pissing quickly. I rushed back out to wash my hands at the sink and was more than ready to escape the girl and her sniveling. I wiped my hands on my skirt. "Who do you want me to send in?" I asked, assuming she'd want to talk to someone.

"I-I'm fine," she whispered, clearly not fine.

"If this is fine, I'd hate to see upset. What's your name?" I asked, begrudgingly accepting the distraction from my brooding.

"Imani," she replied, pushing her tears back into the frizz of her hair line. She was about twelve, and she looked like she'd been there a while. I frowned.

"You're the eldest kid I've seen here in a while." She didn't reply which was fair enough, it was hardly necessary. "That tracksuit doesn't fit you, but I imagine it's the closest thing to your size." She just wiped her nose on her sleeve. "You don't want all the wankers out there to see the stain, is that it?"

"What stain?"

"Stand up," I instructed.

"Piss off."

"I'll be back with a skirt and some stuff," I told her. For God's sake it's supposed to be a prepubescent children's home. This was the second time in the year I'd depleted my stock of sanitary towels. 

* * *

 

Three days and he had not returned. Maybe he wouldn't but I've waited longer for less. I sat and ate alone in my room. It wasn't a requirement for me to sit alone with the constantly changing queue of children's faces downstairs. The staff had given up on the charade of socialising me a long time ago. As far as they were concerned I was a stray dog that was too far gone. I'm sure it was heartbreaking for all of them that they couldn't just put me to sleep. I spent the day practicing baring my teeth.

Imani had almost immediately graduated to tampons, since she still wouldn't speak to staff about menstruating and I didn't have enough towels to see her through. Still her hand peaking through the door to grab a tampax from the desk did break the monotony of that first week.

* * *

 

I was in the hall, digging through a box of donated books hoping for something with actual text, when I heard his voice. I knew it's every lilt, had been holding onto the quality of the tone for weeks. I was ready to pop. He may has well have claimed there was a mix-up at the orphan hospital and that he was my Father.  I had built a world of affection around him since his last visit. I scrambled to the door, it was an office. I peered through the keyhole.

“What’s wrong with the poor girl?” he asked.

“She’s not right in the head. She talks to herself. She’s paranoid. She thinks mirrors can steal you if you look for too long. She’s unstable. Her parents were the same, she ended up here with nothing after their little suicide pact. Mark my words, she won’t last a minute outside of this institute when the time comes.” This was becoming embarrassing. I’m not crazy, I just don’t get out much. He could understand that though, he was smart.

Some kids in care don’t learn to speak until much later than is normal because they don’t have parents around them all the time. I learned to speak fine but I was still behind on some other stuff, like emoting, or reading people.

“I’d like to talk with her.” What?!

“What?!” Ms. Cartridge shrieked helpfully. No adult had ever, in my memory, actually wanted to talk to me. I had thought I was prepared for this but I wasn't. When you spend so much time alone, nothing prepares you for words, conversation. It had happened a few times before. A new member of staff before they were warned off. I wayward social worker, a foster parent lost in a corridor. I never forget a hand I've shaken, probably because I could count them on my fingers.

“I have an interest in returning her to her roots,” he explained, like that explained anything.

“There are regulations to be followed, not to mention the girl is almost eighteen,” she protested reasonably, but Albus reached inside his robes and produced some papers.

“I think you’ll find this to be in order,” he said. I should go up to my room. I shouldn’t be seeing this, this shouldn’t be happening. I couldn’t consider leaving Pembride, I couldn’t even consider talking to someone who wanted to talk to me. This could not end well. I stepped back out of the way of the door, retreating toward the staircase. I wrapped my hand around the banister just as there was a creaking from the office. There stood the eccentrically dressed man, like a trickster from a story book. Ms. Cartridge was not in sight.

“I’m Albus Dumbledore.” I nodded. “Will you walk with me in the garden?” he asked. I ran a hand through my prematurely silvery hair.

“I---,” I croaked. It was the first time I had spoken aloud in so long. I nodded.

We walked together down the hall to the heavy, back door. I undid the latch and tugged the swollen, weathered wood from it’s frame with a jerk. The icy April wind filled the entry way.

I wore my blue tartan skirt, and a white shirt. It was not suited to the bitter weather but I stepped out regardless. In my nervous attempt to act natural, I had failed to notice that my feet were bare. The cold gravel jabbed into the souls of my feet as it crunched under foot, but Albus said nothing, and I followed suit.

It was almost nice to be outside, even in the dingy courtyard. It been a while since I felt the breeze brush by me as it rattled from one portion of the wire fence to the other. I smiled at the greying sky, and then turned my pale eyes on Albus.

"What are you here for?" I inquired, in what I hoped was a polite tone. The words came slowly, they sounded so loud. My manner was awkward, like someone trying to use pencil immediately after handling a bag of ice.

“I’m sure you overheard me talking to your carer.” I wasn’t sure if carer was the right word, carers care. Still, I had been caught. Listening at keyholes probably wouldn't slide in my whole 'anti-paranoia' campaign.

“Am I in some kind of trouble?” The question was redundant. Dumbledore smiled kindly (at me), and pushed his half moon spectacles up his comically crooked nose.

"I've come to talk to you. I want to discuss your family, and your future. I come from the same, let's say, 'neighbourhood' as your parents." My brow furrowed.

"You knew my parents?" I was embarrassed, I didn't like that he knew about them. I tried not to stigmatize their illness but that didn't mean that this stranger would be so kind. What was the right thing to say?

"I know more about them than you have been told." He had stopped walking now, he was giving me a look that was obviously supposed to be comforting. I wished it could be but my heart was tight in my chest. "Not everything you’ve been told about your family has been accurate."

"Uhm, okay?" I crossed my arms and stared at the ground. What was going to happen to me?

"I am a professor and current headmaster at the school in which your parents were taught. I don't know what exactly they hoped to achieve by placing you here, but upon your seventeenth birthday the means by which they hid you could no longer prevent us from reaching you." I blinked at the gravel and began chewing at my nails.

"What?" I asked, around my mangled index finger. What was this about? Was I an heiress? A princess? Some kind of government experiment? Albus' mouth set at a tense angles and he placed a hand on my shoulder before continuing. I was pleased when I hardly flinched. I prepared myself for something more ordinary as the screech of the woman who ran the institute rang in my head 'you see what happens when you do nothing but read? Your head is off up in the clouds! what good is it to you there?!'

"Your parents had the ability to do things that the people in this place can't. They had the ability to do thing that you and I can. Have you ever made anything happen, Juniper? Without meaning to? Something that should’ve been impossible?” This was a test. I was being tested.

“No,” I told him confidently. I had mixed feelings about his hands. It had been so long since I had been touched, it was distracting. Maybe it was also a little comforting. Maybe.

“You’re a witch," he said. I stepped away from his touch. So this was how it was going to be? An old school witch hunt. I opened my mouth and then closed it again. I've fallen and hit my head. I've gone cracked. This is a prank. This man was completely insane. I wanted to roar with disappointment. What had I been thinking?

"I’m a witch?" I asked. Albus only looked pleased. Albus, the world I built around him crumbled.

"Yes, your mother was a witch also, and your father was a wizard, as am I. You are an adult by our laws, and so now I’m going to offer you a choice.” Truthfully I've come into contact with worse potential foster parents. I'm not even kidding. "You may come with me and I will introduce you to the world from which you came or you can stay here and continue your life with no more interference from the magic-"

"You're serious?" I probed incredulously. Come on.

"Absolutely." He replied resolutely. I imagined just walking out of here with the loon... I could always just come back. Or not. I laughed a little, I felt as though I was calling a bluff. Playing some weird game of chicken with my residential situation. Oh God.

“I could go with you?” With anyone.

"Yes well, I could go inside and have your person removed from the non-magical records here at Pembride." He looked at me with stabbing eyes that gave the impression of looking through mine. I found myself wondering how a man who was obviously intelligent and kindly seemed to me so utterly taken with this madness. "Are you absolutely sure?" I thought of all that I had to lose. I almost laughed. The only thing the institute had going for it was that it was familiar, it was hardly home.

I really looked at Albus. My head beginning to shake slowly. Did he think he really meant it? He wasn't kidding? Was there time to leave Imani my collection of slightly larger than ten year old size clothes and carefully acquired sanitary products?

"Sure?" I asked. What the hell, I could hit him over the head with a rock once we were passed the main gate and make an escape. Dumbledore did not look convinced, not at all.


	2. Horrible Fish

Chapter 2

Horrible Fish

It was my guess that Dumbledore was still sending strongly lettered words to the loony bin about why they should have never given up on him.

Under his penetrating stare I let my mind drift. I thought about how the day might end differently for once. I didn't see alot of the world. Didn't know much of anything. Usually my days were pretty similar, reading donated books, staring out the window, humming and twirling.

Sometimes the monotony would be broken when a foster parents would come and take someone who wasn't me away. Sometimes kids would come from their fifth or sixth foster home and tell me I was lucky. Lucky to not be bounced around, to have a base. They couldn't know how long it had been since the timer had ticked over to 'go away already' at Pembride. How I was only four when the staff started announcing things like:

'Such a pretty child as long as she keeps her mouth shut.' each time a couple sauntered by with out so much as batting an eyelid at my conspicuous ash blonde hair and bright coloured socks (which completely did not clash with my uniform at all).

'They could at least take her for a week or two until they got to know her.' and 'They're ignoring her for all the wrong reasons!' were two other old staff favourites. I remain convinced that the carers believe that I don't have ears. I distinctly remember one of the older boys at the home whispering to another kid that I must make myself uneasy.

When I moved my face to meet Dumbledore's gaze a pair of amused eyes twinkled back at me. I waited for him to finish tricking me and laugh in my face. Wasn't he a little old for this juvenile crap? Something in my expression must have shown him my misgivings because then he said:

"Juniper, it is natural to doubt something which is new and unexpected." I looked down at my feet, wiggling my toes against the scrubby weeds pushing through the stones. God this was disappointing.

"I don't doubt it." The old mans long cotton beard, which remained in my view, seemed to bristle. I chewed on my thumbnail. He smiled serenely looking at the wire railings which caged in the wild garden before turning his blue eyes on the back wall of the institute.

"I think you would benefit from a demonstration." Not expecting to be confronted with some show of smoke and mirrors so soon I simply nodded dumbly, almost feeling a sense of anticipation. I suddenly found myself hoping that it wasn't a lie at all. I knew now that I would be dreadfully disappointed if Dumbledore asked me to think of a number between one and ten.

Dumbledore seemed to straighten up to his full height as he pulled from his sleeve a decorative and unusual length of wood. I assumed this was his magic wand. He saw my curious expression and gave me an encouraging smile

"Brace yourself." I did, and then I immediately felt stupid. "Expecto Patronum," Albus semi-bellowed impressively. No.

I felt goose bumps rising all over my body. My arm fell slack against my side as I stopped biting my nail.

My mouth became impossibly dry as a large white bird emerged from Dumbledore's wand. The beautiful shining creature soared through the air.

What Dumbledore had just done was very real, this apparition was true magic. Power came off it in ripples, as did a sort of jovial radiance that made me want to dance and holler.

I began to laugh as it surrounded me with the sort of security that I imagine only true love and a real home could bestow. The creature flew around us both. I span, refusing to let it leave my sight.

My heart was swelling in my chest, the sun was shining from my gut. The phoenix did one more elegant sweeping orbit around me, then it faded into strands of spiralling sand. The residue acted as if it owed nothing to gravity or atmosphere. It whispered through my fingers like ink running through water before disappearing completely.

I smiled wider than someone off a magazine, even after the dull cold of the surrounding brambles once again became the distinguishing features of my world, or they would have if it were not for the ancient and mysterious wizard standing in his star endowed robes. I was not disheartened as my laughter died down, I felt as if the bird was a part of me now. As if I had a light in me that was shining like a lighthouse, as if a part of me was actually good.

Filled with feeling I closed my eyes and ran my hands through my hair before raising them up to the sky. I felt the gravel jabbing my feet, I heard the rattle of the eternal fence, I felt a tear rapidly cool on its path between the edge of my nose and my ice bitten cheeks. My face stretched with a smile as I let time gently pass.

When I at last opened my eyes Dumbledore was gone. I whirled around but he was no longer in the garden, my heart began to calm and my skin began to lose its hypersensitive edge. I trudged back to the institute’s back door and pressed my ear to the outside. I realized that for a moment, for once, time had become inconsequential. Like so many characters in the books I had read, I had gotten caught up in a moment. A moment of my very own.

I heard nothing, I pushed the door with all my might but it was locked. 

 

It was hours before anyone came for me.

* * *

 

No one remembered him, when I asked Ms. Cartridge she reminded me how she had asked me not to speak to her. I really had gone mad.

* * *

 

I didn't need him, I was almost out of here as it was. If I could just hold on and not say anything mental for the next few months, I might even avoid a psychiatric check meticulous enough to catch me out on how mental I had become. On the outside, people might talk to me. They wouldn't know not to. I had spent years working on my back story for when I was released. At that moment I was considering amnesia.

* * *

 

"Yes, yes," I heard Dumbledore's soft voice carry effortlessly up the corridor to my room. Oh no, not again. "It is quite alright, after the fall you took it is to be expected that you would experience some confusion." I heard Ms. Cartridge cough loudly, she seemed to never be free of such ailments and I always seemed to have the uncanny ability to guess which illness she would suffer from next.

"I feel much better now thank you, I just feel as though I have forgotten something." I heard the unmistakable sound of the creaking board by the stairs that meant someone had taken a turn for my room. Usually I was the only one who caused the sound.

"Quite alright, really," Dumbledore replied in a concerned sort of tone.

"Yes well, I trust you have all you need?" Ms. Cartridge said as if she was hoping that he wasn't intending to delay his departure in anyway.

"Oh yes I do indeed, it seems I must continue my search for my long lost Grand Uncle elsewhere, trying to trace one’s family history can often be more trouble than it is worth you know." Dumbledore quipped, sounding truly woebegone. "Thank you for your help Madame. If there is anyone in the institute who wishes to speak, tell them they ought to meet me downstairs. At noon." No.

The voices faded again, as if Albus had led the woman up her purely to deliver that message. I was hearing things.

I slipped in to the hallway and approached the stairs. I overheard Ms. Cartridge making small talk about archives accessible to the public.

Fuck it. I remembered the feeling. The magic, how real it had felt. I had been pushing it away, sure, but it wasn't going anywhere.

Could it have been real? Magic, the word ran like a mantra through my head as I began collecting my meagre possessions like a fool. As if I was actually going somewhere.

I might be magic. If Dumbledore was here, if he was real, then I had met a wizard. I was going to go with the damn wizard. This was impossible. But staying one more day suddenly seemed more impossible.

Schools in the area sent packages filled with old uniforms for the children living in Pembride to wear while they waited to be picked up. All the children wore a full school uniform, although the respective uniforms rarely corresponded with one another.

Having been there longer than any other person ever had, including staff, I got first pick. I filled a bag with my signature outfit. White shirt, blue skirt. I went to the wardrobe at the end of the hall and took my favourite coat. It was dark brown and leather, it was frayed around the elbows, but it was heavy so I guessed it was expensive.

I twisted my hair into a neat bun atop my head and stopped to look at my reflection in the reflective glass on office door. I looked at my face and thought about what I would look like without skin. All my blood would leak out from between the creases in my facial muscles and my ribs would struggle to hold in my lungs. All my magic blood, I grinned goofily. Magic, good magic, maybe. The newest and best part of me, potentially.

I opened the door to the upstairs office and stepped inside. It was rarely used, not for years, but my details were still stored there. I went to the cabinet and found my file was missing. I frowned. I was trying to find my personal effects, which I knew should be in there.

I had seen enough kids come through to know that the pre-1980 babies who were brought in with personal items had them kept in this room. Then I realized Dumbledore might have already retrieved my record. I still wanted my one possession though. My mother’s family ring. Did Dumbledore find that too? How would he know it was here? The woman who was charged with it when I first came had long since left. I was being mental. Dumbledore was not going to be downstairs. I was going to be charged with destruction of property.

 I rifled through the bureau and then turned to search the drawers of the desk, I found one locked. This was my best shot. I heard a creaking in the hall and ignored it. Dumbledore, surely, had my back. Haha.

I took a letter opener from the desk and began to mutilate the lock. I levered the iron against the wood, and pushed with my foot against the deck. There was a crackling as the wood around the latch splintered, and then it gave. I grunted as it flew open, immediately I shot forward to dig through the interior.

Inside were photos of different kids being held by sad addicts and tattooed men, along with some trinkets of varying value. I found the ring. A piece of thick paper was rammed through the middle. Confused, I removed the parchment. I glanced around, as if this was going to be the part where I was caught.

I sank lower down to the floor and unfurled the aging scroll. Two words were scribbled on its corroded surface: 'Sirius Black’. The words were followed by a bizarre symbol.

“Sirius Black,” I murmured, I ran my fingers over the parchments surface. I studied the ring in my hand for a moment before placing both the ring and the parchment in my pocket. Was it a spell? It was definitely astral.

I shot up from the ground, and straightened my skirt. I eyed my bag, full of uniforms, and realised taking it would be insane. That is not how people dress. I left it behind.

Once again I felt my heart flutter as I thought of the shining bird. Could it be?

 

Ms. Cartridge seemed to still be enraptured by her prattle. He was standing beside her, the wizard complete with tall starry hat. I waved my hand from my semi-concealed position behind her to reveal my location to Dumbledore. He nodded imperceptibly before clapping his hands together in a gesture that exuded finality. My ’carer’s’ voice stopped abruptly.

"Time for me to return home, I think," Dumbledore said. You won't get away from me this time. He pulled a whirring time piece from somewhere in his robes. My old guardian seemed to readjust her posture slightly and I wondered what Dumbledore had done to her to make her find the foyer so distracting.

"Of course, of course," she muttered airily. "Good evening," she said. Dumbledore nodded politely and strolled out the door.

Ms. Cartridge closed it behind him, and placed a hand on her forehead. She returned to the canteen. I heard the steady clicking of the boiler halt as my she shut it off.

I approached the front door for the first time since I tried to run away the eleventh and final time at the age of nine.

I put my hand on the cool, stainless steel door handle of my generally untroubled hiding place and hesitated.

Had I just lost my mind?

Was magic my eventual surrender to paranoid delusion?

I turned and caught my face in the mirror above a bench where people generally waited as a procession of illegitimate and unwanted children were marched downstairs. I looked like a woman more every day.

I found the changes in my face spooky ever since I read the Plath poem 'Mirror’. When I saw my reflection I felt as if I was drowning the girl looking back at me. I would send her in to the mirror and then come back to find her, and the girl looking back at me was never the same as the last. Every new girl came from deeper and deeper in the mirror. Soon she wouldn't be able to rise to the surface at all.

What does any of it matter? I pressed down on the handle, unsurprised to find it unlocked, and pushed forward.


	3. Ready or Not

Chapter 3

Ready or Not

As the door swung open, a tarmac square surrounded by barbed-wire topped steel fences stretched out before me. Beyond the chain links of the fence, old near-naked trees with only the barest smattering of spring bulbs searched for the skies. The long Winter had taken its toll on the birches' crooked fingers. The pale twigs batted at clouds floating just out of reach. Dumbledore stood just outside the tall gate at the end of the garden. He offered me a reassuring smile before glancing behind me. I nodded before I turned and closed the door quietly. I took the longest ten paces of my life.

"Do you know why my parents sent me here?" I asked.

"I expect so that you wouldn't be found by the wrong person," he said. I stood before the creaking gate.

"Are you the wrong person?" Where have you been?

"I have done the best I can to remove you from here, but the enchantments were strong. I expect if the wrong person had found, you would know."

"So that's it? I was locked in with magic and you had to lock me out?"

"Yes. I thought you coming of age would be enough but there was more to get through." A note would've been nice so I didn't think I had gone even more insane.

"You're the headmaster of a school? Why were you sent for me? Why would anyone come to find the orphaned daughter of two people who didn't want her to be found?" He set me with an assessing gaze.

"The wizarding world has not always been peaceful or safe. The school at which I teach plays an important role. One of its most ancient and well upheld traditions is to introduce all magical people in it's jurisdiction to our ways, so that magical people can be held accountable. As soon as you were born and named, the school cataloged your existence. Due to your parents enchantments however, you have been cut off for all the time since."

I heaved a sigh. How heartwarming, yet it was trust him or turn back. I was on a straight road. Besides, Dumbledore had a magic wand, if he truly meant me harm there was nothing to stop him now that he'd found me.

"I have been seventeen for months, couldn't you have found me sooner?" He said nothing but simply pulled out his time piece once again.

"Actually, you have been seventeen for seven weeks, seven hours, and seven minutes, allowing for your removal inline with your Mother's particular ward. The forged records held some discrepancies, the day we met was your birthday." Oh how lovely. I imagined my name and location appearing on a big magical scroll somewhere as the enchantment broke. It had been seven weeks.

I thought of the retreating girl one more time and let her go. It was time to step forward as a woman. I stepped through the gate and looked up and down the leafy suburban road, children's laughter floated down the drive. I realised I had been near happy homes all along.

"I will bring you to somewhere where we may talk freely," he said simply. He presented his arm. "If you would please take a firm grip on my arm Ms. Malfoy." I did as asked, I felt the excitement building, he was going to do more magic. "Now take a deep breath, we are going to move instantaneously using apparition." I met his gaze and was in the middle of a curt nod, but suddenly I was falling.

I continued just at the edge of falling. I attempted to jolt back upright. I slipped into a tube that pushed my body together so tightly that halfway to the end of the tunnel I wasn't anywhere at all. I then shot out the other end with a pop. Space once again allowed my body to take up the room it's mass demanded. 

My tummy was especially unhappy about the happenings of the last few seconds. It became clear however that due to my lack of interest in digesting anything that wasn't written by Oscar Wilde, my stomach had nothing to offer the hard wood floor where my feet had met solid ground. I dry heaved several times before my body adjusted to its usual condition and I was able to straighten up.

I was in a small lounge of sorts, like something from a Sherlock Holmes novel. I thought I would have fit in quite well with the decor dressed in a cigarette coat and sporting a bowler hat and a moustache. A fire burned in the hearth and the room was a cluster of over-stuffed, heavily patterned-furniture with decorative Edwardian wallpaper. Dumbledore directed me to a chair that seemed to have never ending cushioning. He said something about the sensation being one which you have to get used to. I nodded as I muffled several coughs and blinked my watery eyes.

"Take a seat Ms. Malfoy." I sat down carefully and felt myself sink several unexpected inches into the mashed potato armchair . I surveyed Dumbledore and morphed my face into a serene and attentive mask in an attempt to mimic his approachable demeanor. I was not in the institute.

"You can call me Jodie. It's what they called me in the institute." I held back the thousands of questions buzzing around my head. I fingered the ring in my pocket. The room vibrated and squirmed with a tension that seemed to have no source. I've lost my mind.

"Please ask your questions Jodie. I will answer them as best I can."

I felt as though my mind would never adjust to all this sudden change, not just to being 'magic' but also simply not being within the familiar walls of the institute. I felt as though a lot of water had been up to my ears since as long as I could remember and that it had suddenly receded. I was lost.

Dumbledore removed his kitsch hate. He touched his finger tips together and relaxed slightly into his own bulky chair. I didn't say anything. After a minute he obviously decided I needed a clue. He explained carefully that the 'wizarding society' as he called it, worked rather like a racist Mafia in some respects and I felt my belly start to hurt. He told me I was a Pureblood. At this point I finally managed to phrase a question.

"What was my Mother's name?" Dumbledore smiled softly. He was real, but that wasn't enough to make me forgive him.

"Your mother was the only daughter born to the Prewett family, she was named Jasmine Prewett." I tucked my legs beneath me as the fire cracked.

"How do you know?"

"The wizarding community in Britain is tight-nit.' I began to feel a niggling anxiety, hearing your own back-story after everyone else was hair-raising. The people here knew more about me than I did.

"How did my parents meet?" I asked. I returned to mutilating my left thumbnail which was almost to the point of bleeding.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but it wasn't a happy tale. They met when they became Deatheaters. Pureblood supremacists."

"His name was Malfoy, like me?" I was used to hearing that my parents had made horrible decisions and were this and that. I was over it.

"Not at that time," Dumbledore went on in a subdued tone "The Malfoys are said to be magically engineered to have one male heir for each generation. This tradition carried on without fail for centuries until you Father was born. After the birth of Lucius Malfoy, the Malfoy patriarch was beyond shocked when his wife fell pregnant again within the year." Oh eugenics, charming.


	4. Very Good

Chapter 4

Very Good

"Your Mother was a scholar, she worked for the 'Pureblood' cause by researching bloodlines. Finding Pure families to recruit. She stumbled upon a note referencing the still birth of one, Cancer Malfoy. She was more interested in the midwife who had signed the page on the day your father was born. She had assumed the midwife was trusted by many Pureblood families and that she might be a common link to others. Your Mother found the midwife, the midwife gave her several names but Jasmine continued to press for information, the woman confessed all that she know regarding the incident, including the fact that Cancer Malfoy had not died." The room was probably as warm as nineteen blankets after a half hour of settling in. I had gone mad.

"So she began to look for him? The missing Malfoy?"

"She found him soon after. It wasn't long before your parents married under the name Belfoy. Little else is known about their lives once they married. At that time Lord Voldemort and his followers were very powerful and beyond merciless." Merciless, my mind echoed eerily. Dumbledore went on:

"When you were born your parents were on the run, they were being pursued by law enforcing wizards called Aurors. They died in the fray." I spent the briefest of moments imagining myself as very powerful and merciless. My nearly colourless eyes devoid of anything but calculation.

"So what happened to Voldemort?" I questioned, prepared for the worst.

"Voldemort was killed when his own curse rebounded off a baby boy. Trials were held and many Deatheaters were imprisoned my the Ministry of Magic. After war many people simply made efforts to put the tragedy behind them." I nodded and readjusted my legs.

"So it's over?"

"Some would say so yes, but there are still those who remain loyal to Voldemort and sympathetic to his cause," he said, causing a glass filled with amber liquid to appear out of nowhere with a flick of his wand. "Would you like a drink?"

"Water if you don't mind; what happened to Lucius?" I leaned forward and accepted the glass of water. "Did they arrest him?"

"No, Lucius Malfoy went on to marry a Pureblood witch and together they produced a single male heir. Little has changed for them since the end of the war, they claimed to be under the influence of a spell which caused them to act as they did."

I was dumbstruck, "So he was a Deatheater?"

"Yes he was, but it is believed that he was not in his right mind at the time." Great. I have one known surviving relative and he's probably a wizard nazi.

"Well, what do you believe sir?" I asked, a little hopeful.

"I believe Lucius Malfoy is a well respected man in wizarding society, and since the war he doesn't seem to have been involved in anything violent."

"Violent," I repeated, distracted.

I felt nauseas, the more I learned the more it seemed all my family history had to offer was death, sorrow and Deatheating.

"Who am I?" I asked. The question slipped from my mouth easily and I felt as if the weight of the strife of the wizarding world had compressing my brain. It felt as if the question had been squeezed out of me with a lot of force even though there was no real barrier keeping it in. Like ripping off a plaster (band-aid?) with the help of a Doberman, instead of the flick of a wrist.

"I know it seems that you are alone in this world, but you are an adult, your life here is something you must forge for yourself."

I sank in my chair slightly, I knew Dumbledore's words were supposed to reassure me but he had missed the mark. Being alone was perfectly fine, I had been very much alone my whole life and I have known that my time at Pembride would come to an end. Although it had happened different to how I expected I knew very well that one day I would be sent out into an unfamiliar and unforgiving world with nothing to rely on but myself. In this world I was actually less alone.

Juniper Malfoy the witch had an identity, there was to be no anonymity once I made my debut, I had a family.

Jodie Malfoy the ordinary girl would have entered a world devoid of any rippling response to her presence in it, no heads would turn. If I had even made it out into the real world before being snapped up into an institution for the eternally batty.

I wasn't afraid of being on my own in the magical world, I was scared of being stripped of my security in how the world around me worked. I ran my hand through my hair. I felt sick. I wanted to ask more about magic but what I was hearing so far hadn't exactly made me feel reassured. Not to mention Dumbledore's flaky behavious. Maybe I needed to just see it for myself. Make up my own mind.

"What do I do now?" I took a sip of my warming water and felt my throat loosen. He smiled.

"I will ask you to wait for me here at the Hogs Head Inn. The school is not far from here and I must see about your tutelage. You will have meals provided for you by the keeper here. You can trust him." You have got to be kidding me. I tried to express my outrage but Dumbledore was already standing. My tutelage? How do I communicate this without provoking a wizard.

"Can I talk to my family?" Dumbledore pursed his lips.

"You need to have patience with them. This will come as a shock."

* * *

 

The room in the Inn was strange and clean. There was no electricity, which was fine. The temperature never changed and the candles never faltered. There was magic in every fixture.

For whatever reason Dumbledore had chosen not to tell me that the Innkeeper was his brother, but they had the same face. Unless that's just a wizard thing. Once I was shown to my room it became immediately obvious that I was to stay inside of it.

Perhaps Albus had chosen to heed Ms. Cartridges warning, she had told him I wouldn't last a second. His brother attempted to make a swift exit.

"Wait, why am I here? When will Albus be back? What's going to happen?" He had turned his back, but he paused and heaved a sigh. 

"I don't know what to tell you, you're an anomaly. Right now he's just trying to figure out what to do with you."

"What to do with me? I'm an adult." Amn't I?

"Being allowed to perform magic without any formal training isn't something to brag about girl, it's part of the problem." Obviously I'd gotten all I was going to. He shut the door. I was surprised he didn't lock it.

* * *

 

My life returned to it's usual quiet nothing while Dumbledore went and did whatever it was he did. I'm sure I could've left if I'd wanted but I Ms. Cartridge was right. I was completely ill-equipped. I could hardly count. Romantic literature was not an education when compared to the school of hard knocks. If the world was a competitive enterprise in tolerating being utterly alone, I could be the last woman standing, but it was the opposite. It was like 'how many people can you talk to?'

I couldn't face it, so even as a legally emancipated witch, with no obligations, I did as I was told. Even though it made me miserable.

I promised myself I would make a friend, some kind of bond with someone, and then I would get away from Albus. Maybe he didn't realise how cruel it was. What did a few more days, or weeks, matter, after a lifetime of solitude and neglect.

* * *

 

He didn't leave me for as long as I'd feared. It was June by the time he returned with his plan for 'what to do with me'. I didn't ask what exactly it was, and he didn't tell me. I had regretted not bringing the bag of white shirt and blue skirts in the end, because other than some starched pajamas they were all I had to wear.

"We will start where so many witches and wizards have Jodie. If there is one thing you cannot do without, it is your wand." I did not bother to point out that we had no proof that I could actually perform magic, or that I had done fine without a wand in life thus far.

"Very good," I smiled. I took a long restorative breath, I am a witch and a woman who is no longer a child, very good. Or maybe I've just fallen and hit my head.

Whatever the state of the world, I allowed Dumbledore to cajole me into climbing into a fireplace to get to a bank.


	5. Gobbeldygook

Chapter 5

Gobbledygook

My back felt cool as I slipped through the floo, as if I was sliding down hundred of wide flat banisters all in a row. Eventually I nearly tumbled out the other side, good thing I had been practicing my banister dismounts. I caught my balance and preformed a small bow for the adoring crowd. What? A girl can't bow? Gringotts bank was a gothic sort of building with tall intrusive podiums and alot of dark marble. The fireplace I had come out the other side of was large and formed from dark stone, it seemed to be carved into the wall as opposed to built into it.

My boots made a muffled tapping along the floor. I moseyed toward a pillar that was thicker than an elephant and set the edge of my shoulder against it. Okay, So far so good, a few seconds in the wizarding world alone and nothing had gone awry. I looked ahead of me and saw a wooden podium. I began to follow the line of it's decoration with my eye. I noticed a small desk lamp at the top. Wait, was that gargoyle moving?

"Bless us and save us!" I exclaimed. The small, malformed creature atop the desk was stamping forms. I spotted another stout, cantankerous bureaucrat seated at the next podium, and then another. The splendour of Gringotts bank seemed to serve to distract newcomers from it's occupants. Rumpelstiltskin's many heirs seemed to grumble collectively at my outcry. The nearest whiskery, misshapen head turned to me in growing irritation. It then returned it's attention to the all important stamping, and quill scratching.

Forgetting my horror at the mere sight of the creatures I huffed indignantly at its withering glance. I was about to begin to rattle off a list of the reasons why my exclamation was completely legitimate (maybe ask to be excused that I had dared to enter the domain of a bunch of stood-on people, whose corpses were left to lie for a while before being reanimated to run a bank), when Dumbledore stepped from the fire place. He gestured for me to join him on his way to the main desk. When he was around I felt myself drawn in by him all over again.

"What are these things?" I whispered.

"Goblins, a magical sort of people who work best with stone, treasure and secrets. They aren't known for there social skills however. so it is a good idea to be on one's best behaviour." He explained in a non condescending manner that made me think he would have made a very good professor indeed.

"Do I have an account professor?" I asked.

"It is a possibility that you are entitled to have access to the Prewett vault and perhaps even a vault of your fathers possession in the Bulgaria's National Wizarding Bank, but you most likely have no means to access them unless you can lay your hands on one of these." Dumbledore then produced a small key which was amassed with several others on a gold chain. Its thumbnail sized handle was delicately shaped into a H. "You may take a loan from Hogwarts for now and when you have the means you may return whatever sum you've needed to get by." I should be grateful, I should be unbelievably grateful, but I should also be confronting Dumbledore for leaving me so many times.

"Thank you," I said, without too much emphasis. I saw a row of finely upholstered chairs and went to plant my bum on one. I admired the archaic design of the seemingly ageless building and once again began turning my ring over and over in my pocket. A tall, slim man entered the bank. He was dressed in materiel finer than the chair below me, and he spoke haughtily to a delicately featured and equally well-dressed woman. They had there hair in almost matching hair styles and seemed to be trying to out snoot one another quite competitively. 

The sharp nosed man made a valiant effort with a feminine and well-practiced flick of his platinum blonde hair. He followed this with a glare of his winter-blue eyes. This didn't seem to cut through woman's soft, round-eyed gaze. She responded by saying, in an ice-cold and cutting tone, a simple but apparently monumental phrase:

"Not here, Lucius." She became completely static and stared him down with her doe-eyes.

I sprang from my chair. Oh no. Lucius? Was it a popular name in the wizarding world? was I having heart palpitations over the utterance of the wizarding equivalent of John? Dumbledore had long since followed the Goblin below ground, leaving me alone with the regal couple whose eyes turned to me as my feet carelessly pulled me towards them, and the uninterested goblins. I felt a little bit of my irritation with Albus subside. I already couldn't blame him for trying to delay this blissful family reunion.

"Do you mind not gawking like a loon," Lucius hissed. "Foreigners are such an abhorrence." He seemed to say this for the benefit of his wife but he looked directly at me as he spoke. I looked for myself in him.

"I'm not foreign," I said, without planning to. There I was! In the bend of Lucius Malfoy's brow and the space in between his nose and mouth. He smelt of spoilt splendour. Then an unfamiliar calculated malicious smile made its way across my features where they existed on my Uncle's face. I needed more preparation for this. I was still a stray, whatever the witch version of being house trained was, I wasn't it. I was all wrong.

"Muggleborn then, it's so hard to tell." In a contrived, almost-polite gesture, that was repeated simultaneously by his wife, he waved me off and turned his back.

"Wait!" Shutup. "You're my Uncle." Blood seemed to pool in my brain and my palms began to vibrate and burn; as if I were doing a hand stand on a car engine. Maybe they wouldn't be so terrible if they knew that. Would I be willing to become like them to have a family?

"Insolent girl, you dare to make such a claim? You're a woman for a start." Lucius eyes narrowed and I saw myself again in the line centered on this brow. Maybe I could try it. "This is a farce for which you will not escape consequence."

"But we look alike, and Dumbledore---"

"Hold your tongue lest I take it with me and return it to you by owl when I think you have successfully learnt your lesson." Is that a regular thing among wizards? I had a thought.

I slipped my hand in to my pocket like an anteaters tongue and wrapped my digits around the rings finely decorated surface. 

"My parents left me this, it's a family heirloom." Malfoy's nose wrinkled. I held the ring on the flat of my sweating palm, it's not like I knew which family. I could sense his apprehensive curiosity. He approached me and his expression settled as he got a good look at the ring.

"This isn't a Malfoy heirloom," Lucius sniffed, but seemed more relieved than a man who had only gotten what he expected. Mrs. Malfoy stepped forward to address me fully for the first time. She had, until now, flanked and mirrored her husband like an expensive, incorrectly-dressed mime. She, however, seemed to get no comfort from my ever more mysterious rings.

"You're right Lucius," she whispered in a voice that reflected her harrowed expression. "This ring was commissioned for a charge of the most ancient house of Black." She spoke the words in a rush. The way her doe-eyes widened gave the impression that a drove of land-rovers had just settled into her favourite grazing meadow. In a flash they narrowed to slits and her face became ugly. "Where did you get this you filthy Mudblood?!"

I clenched my fingers around the ring and she wrapped a wiry hand around my wrist.

"Don't, please." Suddenly the space between us reappeared and the two Malfoys seemed preoccupied with talking to a goblin at the main desk. The top of Dumbledore's hat came into view on his rise from the underground. I lowered my hand from the air swiftly in a suspicious movement that I was glad Dumbledore's eyes didn't spot, even if his midnight blue party hat did. Jesus, they were horrible. I can't catch a break.


	6. Vault 711

Chapter 6

Vault 711

The cart on which Dumbledore sat was very obviously not built for someone of his towering height, but he somehow made it look completely run of the mill. He rose with ease, thanking the goblin driver. He strode toward me and holding a tidy purse.

I was still preoccupied with the happenings involving the ring. I had been told the ring was on my person when I was first taken in and that it was marked with a family crest. Why wouldn't I assume it to be my own (mean) family? Black, not just a word, a name. Sirius Black was a person. Lucius's wife didn't say it was their family crest either, she said it was a crest put on things which were made for the 'charges' of the Black family.

I watched as Malfoy flashed his own ring, and presented his wand to the goblin at the head desk. The creature gestured for him to be escorted below and I decided to chance my luck.

"Can I speak to one of the goblins?" I asked. I fiddled with the ring in my pocket and shuffled my feet.

"By all means." He didn't attempt to pass me the purse, like he knew.

"I'll just be a moment." I watched my battered boots swishing across the floor. The lace of my left shoe dragged along as if it didn't want to come with me. I knelt down below the highest podium to tuck it in to the side of my sock,

"You're coming and that's final!" I told the fraying piece of twine.

"A witch kneeling before a goblin? I can't say I have come to expect it." A goblin gargled above me. I ran my hand over my hair in the hope he had not let loose any saliva into my now harried bun.

"I'm Juniper Malfoy," I explained to the knurled creature. He adjusted his posture. I rose to my full height. "and I'm a charge of the Black family, does that mean...are there any funds I can access?" I pulled the ring from my pocket and placed it on the counter. "My parents were... friends? With Sirius Black?" The goblin seemed completely taken aback by this but lifted the ring from the table. Using a complex bronze eye-piece, he began to examine its finely detailed surface. I fidgeted nervously and hoped Dumbledore's attentions were drawn elsewhere. I didn't dare to glance behind. Friends? What was Black to me really? The imp placed the eye piece and the ring before him. He gesticulated to a nearby goblin who came by and retrieved my ring before standing down from the platforms of scowling bureaucrats. One of them looked curiously down at me.

"Mr. Dumbledore will not be permitted to escort you to your vault. Please make your way to the cart by the stairs," he scratched out before pushing his glasses up his long pointed nose. A hook-nosed Goblin retrieved a lantern from a nearby shelf. Dumbledore turned toward us.

"Is everything alright?" he asked and I pressed my lips together and lifted my shoulders as if I had no real part in it. Dumbledore looked concerned.

"They said I have funds. Something to do with my family," I called over to him. I joined the goblin in the cart. Dumbledore's calm countenance didn't change.

"Enjoy the ride!" he said. I nodded back.

"I am Juniper Malfoy," I introduced myself as if I was completely comfortable being squeezed in to this demeaning position within the rail-car being steered my a rude, and squished man. He looked as though he had grown from an old, and mistreated seed.

"I know. I'm Gorgos, please brace yourself," he replied in what I decided was quite a good-natured tone by goblin standards. Everyone is always telling me to brace myself. I understood. I was braced, I had been braced since the first time.

The clanking sound returned like it was raining anvils outside. Then I was clambering for purchase, my heart in my throat. The cart began to fly so quickly along its tracks, I could only assume it was heavily aided by magic. The small car screamed to a halt moments later as sparks flew up in all directions.

"Vault 711," Gorgos barked out. He extended his hand, which appeared arthritic and twisted. I reached out with my own hand and turned my palm up. He dropped the ring into it.

"Mr. Gorgos, what exactly permits me to enter this vault?" I inquired politely, inky black eyes met my cloudy white.

"It is not in the interest of goblins to encroach on wizards affairs, but your connection with Mr. Sirius Black allows you to enter his vault. Your business with Mr. Black and his business elsewhere is of little interest to us goblins. However the protection of this domain beneath wizarding feet is sacrosanct. If you intend to enter this vault and you are not who you claim to be, you will suffer the consequence." His blink made a sort of licking sound. I turned to the vault door.

"I don't know," I said, unsure. I looked at the ring in my hand. I straightened up within the cart and stared into the amassing darkness beyond the light of the lantern. "I don't know much of anything." It was unnervingly true of course but not reprehensible enough to slow my movements as I stepped onto the platform under Gorgos's scathing gaze. I approached the door as I tightened my hand around the ring, hoping just a little that it might leak its secrets through my blood into my brains. The door seemed to be clicking with energy of 100,000 unmoving cogs. Am I a thief? Am I robbing a bank? Did my criminal parents just steal this ring and get it caught in my baby blankets accidentally?

"Take your time Ms. Malfoy," Gorgos croaked. I turned to him and nodded my thanks.

Trying to cool the cogs in my own brain I studied the vaults surface, it was covered in various strange symbols but just at the level of my eye was one that called out. I realised with a start that it matched my ring. I felt like a detective. I ran my fingers across the lines and ridges before realising what was needed to open the door.

Not knowing or caring what had introduced the bizarre notion to my head: I stretched up on to my toes, leaned toward the emblem, and carefully pressed my lips to it's cold surface. I instantly felt my skin react as if I had rubbed it raw with sand paper, and my eye lashes seemed to stand on end. Magic! I wrenched myself away from the door as images of my own face flew into my brain. I looked happier than I had ever been but my eye brows slanted at an unnatural angle before my face mutated into that of a bird flying for me. As I stumbled away from the imaginary bird the door swung open with a screech that sounded to me like the trill of a raven.

Suddenly I felt idiotic, I had kissed a door, but then I stared through into the vault. It had worked. Oh great. Rings, kissing, suspicious goblins... money. What was Sirius Black to me?

"There is no longer a need to fret over your right to the vault Ms. Malfoy. I will return when the door is shut. There may be some further security enchantments, but nothing which will do you harm." The cart began to slide along the tracks disagreeably once more and a soft light appeared from within the safe ahead of me.

"No longer a need to fret?" I felt a wave of apprehensive fear, "Nevermore," I breathed out, "Quoth the raven." I let out an unnatural laugh before pulling my hair free and massaging my scalp.

I allowed my breathing to calm before I entered the vault cautiously. Inside was large and cavernous, like an atrium in which an eighteenth century cadaver might've been taken apart. The inside was nowhere near full, large stacks of gold coins seemed to defy the pull of gravity to one side. If I pulled out the bottom most coin they would probably remain in their ostentatious piles unmoved, due to the glue of some spell. I felt as if my ease of access to this room must have some horrible consequence and my mind flew to the story of Midas.

I approached a pile of leather bound sacks on an end table. I was much more disturbed by having to encroach on Dumbledore's 'generosity' than I was at the thought of accessing money which was but a kiss away. Disconcerting as it may be. Perhaps Sirius Black would find out about my presence here and find me. I wasn't entirely adverse to the idea as I felt my need for answers fly around my head.

I swatted my hands around distractedly before groaning at the impertinent thoughts refusal to be deterred. I had waved my hands around for goodness sakes! it used to work just fine before.

"Insufferable, loathsome thoughts. Need to learn there place!" I complained. I began to pile money into one of the mould-spotted bags. "I'm the one who thought them up, if they don't learn to behave more appropriately I shall have to unthink them. Then we'll see who is swatting who away." I giggled to myself as I began tying one of my special knots in the bag.

"Sirius Black," I tried his name aloud once more, sounding it out. I snorted "Sirius Lee Black."

"Robbing me isn't enough?" My whole body seized up. What now? "You have to make tired old jokes as well? Have you no humanity?!" Nope, I'd dealt with enough weird bollocks for a lifetime that day already.

I immediately ran for the exit, tripping over my own ankle as I ambled fearfully to the door. I assaulted the ground with my knees and elbows as if it had insulted my reasoning. Oh good, more magic and less privacy. I love meeting new people, they almost never uproot my entire life and then disappear, or call me by a bunch of racial slurs on my first public outing. The voice which had spoken was rich and masculine. He spoke like I so often did, like it had been a while.

I didn't care for it.

 


	7. March of The Gladiators

Chapter 7

March of The Gladiators

"Who are you?" I shrieked. I stumbled to my feet. I began to pile excessive amounts of golden coins into the asthma attack-inducing sack to give it some weight.

"Sirius 'Lee' Black, apparently," the voice responded in a bemused tone. I felt my nostrils flare as I exhaled heavily. So it turns out I hate people.

"Show yourself!" I demanded. I swung the overfilled bag of heavy coins over my right shoulder. My body strained indignantly under it's weight. My only regular exercise was the carrying of heavy books and page-turning. I valiantly prepared to swing the heavy bag at the fabled Mr. Black should he try anything. I thought I heard his footsteps approach, but it was only the echo of my own.

"What? You think I'm at the bank? Right now?" the disembodied voice asked, taken aback.

"Wh-why wouldn't you be here?" I said shakily. I forced myself to speak confidently as I went on; "If you're Sirius Black, then this is your vault, isn't it?"

A heavy laugh seemed to emanate from the stone walls, it reminded me of an overexcited and very vocal dog.

"You really have no idea do you?" The man continued. I grimaced, this is why I need one friend, so that I can know what the hell that is supposed to mean. I was ready to give up being excited to meet one nice person, I was also ready to give up on being polite to all the negligent freaks I'd met so far.

"Oh, I do apologise. I wasn't aware there was a code of conduct to be followed when addressing talking wall, that everyone was aware of but me." I briefly wondered if this was true.

"Could you at least not be in the middle of robbing me before you start yelling at me?" the voice asked. Somewhere between surly and on the edge of laughter.

"I am not robbing you, Black. I am authorised to access this vault, and I am going before you continue to throw around more wild accusations!"

"You're not a goblin are you?" It actually felt good to vent a little frustration. I couldn't talk to the Malfoys like this, or Dumbledore.

"No, I'm not a goblin!" I grunted and readjusted the bag so that it was easier to carry before opening my mouth again: "You're pretty high and mighty for a man trapped in a wall." My panic had subsided. This was probably a magical parlour trick, at least I hoped it was because I didn't need anymore shit. I began to empty the unneeded Galleons onto the vaults uninteresting floor. I made a horse-noise as I exhaled heavily through my nose to show how unimpressed I was, horses are never impressed by anything. I then turned gracefully on my heel and made my way to the exit. I then teetered slightly by the door and somehow managed to trip over nothing. I lay on the floor staring dejectedly at the ceiling. Sighed, and sat up.

"Did you fall over again?" the voice asked cheerfully.

I said nothing as I got to my feet quietly, I had spotted a small box laying atop a pile of bronzed coins. I strode over, quite taken by its mystery.

"Are you okay, love?" the man--- voice, the disembodied man-like voice asked. I ran my fingers over the blue outside of the box before opening it and peering within. Inside was a collection of vials containing shimmering liquids and powders. I pocketed the box before making my way to my funds.

"Fuck," the not at all pleasant husky voice exclaimed, as if concerned.

"Are you okay?" he interrupted again. I saw a mahogany door on the left of the door of the vault.

"Would you be quiet?" I snapped. I approached the door.

"Jesus, I thought I was never going to hear your shrill complaining ever again, excuse me for being concerned goblin-lady." He seemed genuinely put-out and I felt my mouth tighten pleasantly as it threatened a smile. What on earth was this?! What was this day? Was it even two o'clock?

"Who are you?" I probed indelicately.

"I'm Sirius," Sirius responded.

"Are you real, Sirius?" I relented in a crooning tone that displayed no light teasing or anything else of that persuasion.

"Are you?" Why did he sound like he had just been kicked in the shin?

"Some of me has to be," I responded. The only answer I got was ragged breath and my brow furrowed. I didn't really want to stop talking to him... even though I didn't really like it. It was an astonishing internal conflict that was immediately banished and forgotten as his hyperventilating broke into a bone shifting scream. I literally felt the joints in my body role over one another as I heard the disparaging cry form into an animistic keen. It bounded off the walls.

"Black?" I called out quite loudly (but in an unconcerned tone because I wasn't really that bothered by the voice or anything). I mean he was a perfect stranger, his mere outcry would never have been enough to make me tremble, how could it be?

"Sirius?!" I cried out again, and although my quavering voice may have indicated otherwise, I was actually totally unaffected by his lack of response. No need to look at me like that. No reply broke the silence.

Shaken, I rushed from the vault, slamming the door behind me. Pitch black closed in one me as I pressed my weight to the cool metal of the vaults circular door. The money shifted in the purse as my hand shivered around it. I had no clue why I was so jarred, but then I had never heard a grown man scream before. Moments later the shifting and claustrophobic darkness was thankfully interrupted by the soft glow of a lantern as Gorgos returned. The silence was ended my the shrieking of the cart along its track and I winced.

Pull yourself together Jodie. I stepped away from the door. I felt better already, really.

"I trust you got all you needed?" Gorgos croaked.

"I did yes, thank you Mr. Gorgos." The goblin nodded his approval. I stepped forward and folded myself into the precarious cart. I placed the small but bulging leather purse on to my lap.

I closed my eyes as we began to creak along. When we built up some speed I tried to allow the sound of Blacks cries to blow from where they had nestled into my ringing ears. I squinted into the obtrusive light as I stepped out from the cart back into the foyer. I quickly spotted the ostentatious Dumbledore sitting in the same chair I had been sitting in prior to my encounter with the Malfoys.

"Thank you Mr. Gorgos." I met his onyx eyes and lifted my mouth at the sides carefully before heading toward Dumbledore.

"I seem to have rights to some money." I said. I lifted my newly acquired purse and inclined my head so as not to encourage any disparaging questions regarding the loot.

"How marvellous, now I think it is time for you to acquire a wand." I smiled excitedly and nodded vigorously like a chimp listening to the Philharmonic play something jovial.

"Yes sir." I felt the sense of guilt I had been carrying since entering vault 711 dissipate considerably. Dumbledore seemed untroubled at my trip underground. But then he slowed and turned gravely, just before we stepped beyond the banks grand threshold.

"Jodie, I think I might ask if there is anything you wish to tell me?" Dumbledore peered at me over his glasses and I felt thoroughly villainous for a moment. I thought about the unrevealed plan of 'what to do with me', and felt better.

"No?" I asked, "No," I repeated, trying to make it sound more like a statement.

"As you wish it," Dumbledore stated amicably. He knew more then he was letting on, everyone knew more than they were lettering except me. We turned to the exit with what I believed was a growing sense of understanding. We were onto eachother.

As Dumbledore walked me out of the bank he made a sweeping gesture with his arm which drew my eye to the sumptuous surrounding area.

"This is Diagon Alley, the heart of wizarding London." I stared. Nothing could've prepared me for it. If I had been fostered and raised on the outside, I knew I would still be overwhelmed.

The cobbled ground seemed about ready to give way under the collective weight of the magical architecture stacked upon it. The various shops and stalls reminded me of the children lined-up in Pembride in their uniforms. Each made a tidy bit of sense in their own respect, but once thrown together in lavish lines their diversity was impossible to ignore. Although in Pembride the mismatched uniforms were cause for carefully done laundry, whereas on this street the differences between the various proprietors only seemed to enhance their marvellous attributes. I felt like every dream could be a reality here. I allowed my feet to carry me forward as I descended the steps of the goblin's bank, which was equally majestic from the outside as it had been in the foyer.

The occupants of the street passed by satin and cotton tented stalls, stacked haphazardly in front of various clumped buildings. Although a seeming moment away from anarchy, the street seemed to function with little or no fuss. Haggling, auctioning, stiff prices and various other marketing strategies seemed to be utilised as people were tempted to buy everything from small cages containing bats and toads to more untoward items such as collections of shrivelled and mangled human heads conversing jovially from the strings on which they hung. Books shops, jewellers, cafés, boutiques, animal menageries and the occasional broom supply shop sealed in the magical patrons on their way through the bustle of their everyday wizarding lives. I loved it so much. I'll never forget that feeling of desire, of never wanting to leave.

Once my foot settled on the cobbles of the street the clambering of the well-adapted wizarding population engulfed me in its fire-spewing, expansively-cloaked depths. These people seemed to favour extravagant hats and simple shoes. I felt as if I was at a Ring-ling Circus convention. A woman doing a handstand on an elephant would've looked more sensible in the current environment then I did in my taupe boots and white shirt. Dumbledore seemed less nutty by the minute as he happily bobbed ahead of me through the opulently robed throng. The witches and wizards seemed to part in Dumbledore's wake and I saw that he must have cut an impressive character in the society here. He had said the people were tight-nit, a wizard as wizardly as Dumbledore must have been born into a wizarding family. I had never heard of anyone called Dumbledore before anyway, it could be a wizarding name that made people make way when you walked through a place like this.

Did they know who I was? The thought leaked through my mind as I ogled the strangers. Of course they couldn't possibly, not yet. In that moment I was just a face denied my name by even my own relations. I was no Malfoy, maybe I could just be a Belfoy from here on out. Maybe I should learn to cartwheel or tame lions, I'm sure skills like those would come in handy at some point. I could have a stage name, like Blue Jay or Jodie the Magnificent Mysterious Meandering Malfoy who Manipulates Magical Mutant Mountain Lions On Mondays. That probably wouldn't be as much fun as it sounds, I never liked Mondays. The canteen made terrible risotto on Sunday and then served what was left on Mondays. Horrible, I shuddered.

I began to imitate a fluted version of "March of The Gladiators" aloud, I had found the sheet music for the tune in the back of a book containing a story about flying elephants in the circus, it was a very exciting day. My warbling was drowned out by the surrounding wand wielders as I followed the peacock palette of colour which adorned Dumbledore's cloak through the labyrinth of magicians. Magic, I laughed lightly as I read the signs over shop doors and inspected the content in their windows. Magic, I could do just that forever, meander the wizarding market and absorb all the grandness it had to offer. Maybe if he had left me here, I would've broken the recommended grounding. That's probably why I hadn't been left here.

My thoughts were suddenly blunted when the edge of my hip had a disagreement with the pointed edge of a stall I was passing.

"Jeez Louise," I called out. I grimaced, meeting the eye of the cart's owner. I crinkled my eyes at the sides, and pressed my lips into a neat unpleased line. I really couldn't catch a break.


	8. Lupin

Chapter 8

Lupin

"This is what happens when foolish wizards decide not to attach cushions to the sides of their outlets," I complained. "People like me must suffer the consequences!"

The sandy haired man glanced over my shoulder and nodded at Dumbledore before returning his amber eyes to my unimpressed face.

"You mean clumsy people?" he asked.

"No," I grumbled. "People with more things on their minds than trinkets and different methods of sharpening cart edges." I straightened up and raised my chin.

His features were kindly if not a little mischievous. His tattered robes hung on his slim physique with a quaint acquiescence toward being just upward of uncomfortably penniless. I threw some mental chairs at him. Silvery scars wrapped themselves around the mans fingers and peaked out from the collar of his cloak, they looked as if they belonged there. Like they were as much apart of him as his nose or his manicured moustache.

"Ah yes, thinking while walking can be difficult when I am focusing so much of my energy on trying to make my workplace as disruptive an obstacle as possible." He lifted the sides of his mouth, for some reason I did the same. "I'm sorry about your injury," he added.

"I'm sure I'll get used to it. It's sort of overwhelming here, it's very busy."

"Tincture for your nerves?" he asked, holding a small, green vial aloft. I wrinkled my nose. I had been trying to avoid behaviour altering medication, I was saving them for a much darker day.

"You're a chemist, are you?" I asked. The man looked perplexed, did wizards have chemists? "What are you selling?" I asked.

"Uhhm.. Potions ingredients, a few enchanted amulets, crystal balls, that sort of thing," the man rattled off. He was soft-spoken. Dumbledore seemed engrossed in a conversation with a hunched man, they were heatedly discussing the recent augmentations made to the standard constitution of a potion called 'Veritaserum'. "What brings you to Diagon Alley?"

When I met his amber eyes again I recognised concern,  _for me_. Perhaps he'd seen something in the way I watched Dumbledore. Something of the longing.

"I'm getting a wand."

"What happened to your old one?" he asked, he was really looking at me now. The scarred hand holding the green vial lowered.

I should probably lie. "I don't know," I said, instead of something clever.

He looked as if he was looking for the right thing to say, as though he knew more than he was letting on, which appeared to always be the way among wizards.

"I'm Remus Lupin," he said eventually, extending his free hand.

"I'm Jodie," I replied. I knew he was fishing for my surname but I didn't want to be associated with those people just yet, or probably ever.

We shook hands. "It's nice to meet you," he said, his grip firm. I tried to think of something to say that would make me seem like I had substance, but I just didn't know how.

"You too." We retracted our hands, and then it struck me that I might be able to ask him anything I wanted. I pushed the idea aside as quick as it had come, I had no more reason to trust him as I did anyone else.

"How long have you been without your wand? You must feel like you have your hands tied behind your back." Remus seemed really interested. I cast my gaze around, some gold thread set against a deep red caught my eye among a pile of fabric shoved in a box attached to the stall. I reached for it and pulled an embroidered cloak free. 

"Is this for sale?" I asked. I pulled a golden coin from my purse and offered it forward testily, unsure if I was under or overshooting the garments value, but just glad that Remus seemed to be suitably distracted.

"It's a rune cloak that's supposed to encourage clarity of mind," he said. "It'll cost a little more than a Galleon."

He took the coin and the cape from my hand and folded the cape before looking at me expectantly. "How much more?" I asked, I might've been annoyed if it were actually my money.

"Two sickles? if you don't mind." He held the robe out as I offered two silvery coins, hoping I had correctly remembered Dumbledore's explanation of Wizarding currency.

As I took the cloak the man stared at the my coins uncomfortably for a moment before allowing the golden Galleon already in his hand fall to the ground.

"How clumsy of me," he breathed as he bent to retrieve the coin.

"Just leave the sickles on the box there," he advised from the ground. I did as requested. He rose to his feet and added the Galleon to the pile.

"Did you want me to haggle?" I asked. My eyebrows pushed together at the top of my nose as I failed to make sense of the mans aversion to small change.

I pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear as Dumbledore came to stand beside me. My hand smelt like old leather and even older leather and I quickly moved it as far from my face as possible.

"Good afternoon Remus." Dumbledore took my pile of change from the counter and handed it to the vendor with the Galleons at the bottom.

"Good evening Professor," Remus responded quite affectionately, he received the coins and placed them in a steel box adorned with spirals. I was glad I hadn't asked Remus too many questions, he clearly liked Albus.

"I see you have met Ms. Malfoy, Jodie this is Mr. Remus Lupin. A former student of Hogwarts school. Remus this is Juniper Malfoy." I cringed slightly at being announced as a Malfoy, it wasn't something I could really hide from anyway.

"We've been talking while you were busy."  _as usual._

Lupin seemed to be disturbed by our further introduction. Damn it all.

"I hope you like the cloak Jodie." He bit his tongue and he flexed his hands lightly.

"Thank you." I ran my hand over the metallic rune and smiled, it was very charming.

"What news of Hogwarts, Professor?" Lupin turned his attention to Dumbledore.

"All is as it should be." Dumbledore smiled "Nothing is going as one would expect but the repercussions appear to be for the best." Lupin nodded and appeared to enjoy a moment of nostalgia before his features betrayed a sort of desperation.

"Enjoy your Christmas Professor," Lupin murmured.

"And you too Remus." Dumbledore placed his hand on the other mans shoulder as he made to leave.

"Goodbye," I said. The unusual wizards only nodded slightly as I followed after Dumbledore. Even though he was friendly with my liberator/captor I though the was nice. It wasn't often that I had an encounter that was just sort of nice.

"What happened to him Professor?" I blurted once I had fallen into stride with the towering old man. "The scars on his skin, what are they from?"

"Ah." Dumbledore looked troubled for a moment. "The scars occurred as a result of an accident when he was a young boy."

"What sort of accident?" I asked, already knowing I wasn't going to get a decent answer.

"A tragic one." I decided to not press any further as it was obviously an exercise in futility. He seemed intent on holding his tongue on the matter and I doubted any cat was quite lucrative enough to loosen it.

"How sad," I responded. I turned my eye to the sky and watched a fluffy sock-shaped cloud make its way through the sky on whipping winds which seemed to have no effect within the Diagon dome. I could feel Dumbledore's eyes on me.

I though perhaps this was a test, and I was being judged on my behaviour. I shouldn't have told him about the money. He was probably suspicious, he'd probably recommend further isolation in case this was 'all too much', which, to be clear, it absolutely was. 

"Once we retrieve your wand, it will take discipline to master it. I have organised a room for you at Hogwarts so that you can receive some tutelage." Of course.

"Great," I said, my jaw tense. Once I had the wand, then we'd talk. I could live in the vault, it was warm in there. Dumbledore stopped walking and turned to me. I felt my stomach drop, I must have been so transparent to him. He towered over me, trying to catch my hesitant eye.

"Have you ever been into London before?" he asked, even though he knew I hadn't been anywhere. I was starting to feel trapped by the high wall of him, strangled in his many robes, his long beard made me itchy.

"Will you show me where the wand shop is?" I asked, sort of desperate to go through whatever motions he had set out so that I might reach the end of them.

"We're here," he replied, and gestured to the building before us. It stood among the throng of buzzing wizards, as if the thriving metropolis had been built around it. Old and new bricks clumsily piled one-on-top-of-the-other through different eras, to repair varying degrees of who-knows-what damage. Unlike the surrounding window displays this patched-up building's window was almost completely clear, aside from a single wand resting on a floating, velvet cushion in the right window. The black sign above the door read: "Ollivanders est.395b.c.".

I pushed past Dumbledore and entered the shop without hesitation. I heard the clinking of an ominous bell as I burst into the whispering gloom of the shop floor.

The sun shone through the smudgy glass of the shop window, casting dust-highlighting, yellow streams in the shop air. I ran my hand through the ray's whimsical warmth. An elderly man skid from the other end of the shop to my side upon a towering apparatus. His shrieking flash across the room drew my attention to the rows and rows of cobwebbed and mottled boxes as the steel-eyed man descended his portable stairway.

"Good afternoon young Miss." The mans silvery eyes flashed. I had never seen eyes so like my own. "Can I help you?"

"I-" I began, just as the ominous bell tolled again. Dumbledore entered the shop. "I need a wand, sir." I felt half my face lift in a smile and put my hand to my face to feel it. I quite liked this shop, the smile grew under my hand. I almost didn't mind Albus then, at least he had brought me here at last.

"That will be no problem at all Madam, one moment," the shop-keep turned his attention to Dumbledore. I continued to survey the store. Teetering piles of wands towered over every aspect of the area, even the God-knows-what infested rafters were piled high with thin, mismatched boxes.

I shouldn't have been surprised that the man was ignoring me to talk to Dumbledore first, he probably expected me to understand.


	9. Peach Ribbon

Chapter 9

Peach Ribbon

"Good afternoon, Ollivander," Dumbledore said.

"Professor Dumbledore.." Ollivander seemed to greet Dumbledore with a sort of weary familiarity. "What brings you to London? I trust...all is well?"

Dumbledore laughed, waving a hand. "Oh, all is perfectly well Garrick, Hogwarts is under siege from only the mildest of life-threatening dangers by our usual standard."

"Quite, quite..." Ollivander seemed to trail off slightly, apparently enraptured by some idea or other. A silence stretched out. I noted a sign above the man's head that promised: ' _Only the_ _freshest dragon heart string_ '. Dragons?! How could Dumbledore have failed to mention them? I did always think they might be real in some darkest corner of the world. If one was to look at a the animal kingdom objectively and chuck a few dragons in I think you would be more inclined to question the giraffe or the hippo if seeing them all together for the first time. Certainly, upon spotting a whale, a dragon would barely blip if it weren't for the fire breathing. Could they really breath fire?

"I'm here for a wand," Dumbledore said, pulling Ollivander and I out of our airing thoughts. The old man turned to me curiously. I probably looked quite a sight in my weeks-old muggle attire. 

"You've come together?" He allowed his eyes to linger shamelessly on mine for several heartbeats. "You are in need of a wand?" The question was directed at me.

I nodded dumbly and Dumbledore took a seat on a rickety stool by the floating, purple, wand-topped cushion at the window. The circus outside continued their individual side-show performances, jester like characters gawked through the wand-makers window, whispering about the apparently gossip-worthy presence of Dumbledore. I suppose they were probably wondering why he wasn't training up their misshapen and bizarrely talented kids, who would supervise their machete juggling with the headmaster gone?

"What was the core of your original wand Ms…?"

I felt my mouth clamp shut and my nostrils widened slightly as if the unspoken words were attempting to escape from anywhere they could.

"This is Juniper Malfoy," Dumbledore replied in my place. I scowled at him. I figured this was like the dentist, honestly, however embarrassing, is probably the best policy if you don't want them to bust your teeth or give you the wrong wand.

"I've never had a wand before Mr. Ollivander, and I don't know how to choose one. Could I just have whichever type is the most popular?" I threw a look over at Dumbledore and found him to be suddenly absorbed with the bustle outside and not at all concerned with my hopes of finding the correct wand. Would he not interrupt in a manner that's useful?!

Ollivander was letting out a politely suppressed closed-mouthed chuckle as he made his way through the towering aisles beyond the counter. The gloom continued to thicken in the shop as the sun began to set.

I caught a flighty movement in my peripheral vision and spun around thoughtlessly, the movement successfully deposited me on the floor with an embarrassing thump. I saw another whiz of peach disappear behind my right shoulder as I remained on the dusty, old floor boards. A ribbon of peach then lay itself flat against the seam of me left leg from ankle to knee. I shrieked before backing across the floor.

I batted at my legs, regained my footing and pressed myself to the edge of the counter. Dumbledore continued to gaze merrily out the window, and I felt as if I was in more of a dream than ever. Feeling almost reassured at the thought of waking up in my old lonely world for a moment, I decided it was because I didn't like strange crowds any more than I did the ongoing isolation. The hellish peach ribbon continued to make tentative progress towards me and I saw numbers lining its sides. Having been taught how to maintain a tidy lady lifestyle I recognised it as a measuring type one might have for fitting dresses.

I reached my hand out to the enchanted menace and aloud it to wrap itself around my wrist and do it's best impression of an exasperated conscious being. The tape set to work at a lightening pace and began to whip around my whole figure as I resisted the urge to bat it away. After taking measurements of everything from my toes to my earlobes the tapeworm seemed pleased enough to eventually let me be. I decided to reserve the approach of standing and waiting for something to end for future dealings with nonthreatening apparatus that I might find trying to assault me.

Ollivander emerged from behind a stack of especially rotten old boxes with the measuring tape squirming in his grip. He held the tape so close to his face that one would think he was trying to block everything else from his view. He sifted the tape through his hands and studied it from one end to the other.

"How very queer…" the man murmured as he made it to the other end. "How unanticipated…" he repeated his sentiments. He reached my point of the counter and was followed by a levitating stack of boxes. He didn't pause in his investigation of the measuring tape even as the boxes settled themselves on the counter in a tidy row and the least shy container began to open itself with the help of invisible hands.

I saw from where I was standing that the inside of the box was lined in a pale, purple materiel which was liver-spotted and moth-eaten. I wondered how a moth had gotten into the box, assumedly there had been a great mass of them and they had invaded its depths as a team. But there was some fabric remaining so perhaps only one or two made it in before it slammed shut again like a temple of doom. I rearranged my toes in my shoes. I turned my head from the fascinating fabric containing the remains of some brave and underfed moths and looked Ollivander in the eye.

"Wands," Ollivander said. "Are very mysterious anomalies Ms. Malfoy, they have a power and consciousness which is very much separate from the wizard wielding it." The old mans voice scratched this out with purpose as he etched the words into the space between himself and I. "It is not your job to choose a wand, it is up to the wand to choose you."

I tilted my head to the side, and braced myself forward on the counter to take some of my weight from my feet. I once again felt skepticism rising as I turned to eye the well formed yew.

"How will it choose me?" I asked. I glanced at Ollivanders clean hands, coated in dry, fine powder with the unhappy tape wrapped around his unrelenting fingers.

"You know Ms. Malfoy, I remember every wand I've ever sold. You are... intended, for the young Master Malfoy?" He seemed to set forth the query in a manner that indicated the knowledge was of unprecedented importance to the wand acquiring process.

"No sir," I said. "If you mean Lucius Malfoy's son, then I'm his cousin." Ollivander seemed distressed by this and I thought gratifyingly, that wands weren't the only mysterious thing in this shop. I spared a moment to observe Dumbledore before reassessing Ollivander and decided that the thought had come a bit late, as after all, men who have lived like these wizards for what seemed a very, very long time must have more than one skeleton in the closet under the stairs.

"His cousin? But then why do you carry the Malfoy name?" Ollivander seemed to be trying to make sense of the situation as he continued to move his eyes from me to the measuring tape.

"It was the name of my Father," I said firmly, as if a bit of authority would succeed in forcing the thought into his head. The wizard eventually paused in his scrutiny and his eyes glazed slightly as he nodded.

"Yes yes, the results would indicate… undeniable similarity." Ollivander allowed the tape slip free of his grasp before turning into the shop and emerging with a new box as the currently open one on the table beside me resealed itself like a little moth coffin.

"May he rest in peace," I said as the box floated off and Ollivander shuffled forward distractedly.

"Perhaps..." Ollivander prized the lid from the elongated box with his hands and presented a glossy piece of ebony surrounded by plush and untarnished green velvet. "This." Ollivander extended what I assumed was the holding end toward me.

I reached out my hand towards the domineering black wood and wrapped my fingers around it cautiously.

The first wand.


	10. Nevermore

Chapter 10

Nevermore

The wand felt fused to my hand as a rush of goosebumps ran up and down my arms, I decided to eat some butter later to better lubricate the squirming of my insides because they had gone way beyond knotting together now and seemed to be doing a fairly painful version of an American free way as the spun around and through each other at harrying speeds. The black wood released a red light from its end that collapsed one of the aging rafters. It clattered down beside an unmoved Dumbledore and was followed by the wands it had been supporting just moments before. The surrounding boxes began to sway threateningly but settled after a few skipped pumps of my heart. Then, almost as if in slow motion, one of the elongated dusty boxes fell from its perch and came into contact with Dumbledores hat clad head, successfully knocking his party hat to the floor. Dumbledore then glanced up at the ceiling and with a "So sorry." and a flick of his wand he returned the rafter and all its boxes to there original state. I looked at the wand gripped tightly in my steady hand and look then glanced down to see my free hand shaking like a leaf.

"I don't think this wand likes me Mr. Ollivander." I croaked out in a disconcerted tone. "But I don't think I can put it down either."

Just as I said it my hand snapped open, quite without notice, and the imposing piece wood clattered against the floor, as if it had made no offence aside from what I had caused it to do.

"Liar!" I hissed at it. As I bent to retrieve it from the floor, with the edge of the leather jacket barricading my hands. "I'm sure you are just a regular piece of wood who never tried to blow up anyone!"

I placed the puny stick on the table and narrowed my eyes at it. Ollivander said nothing, but put the wand back in its box.

"Not this one, I think." I snuffled a bit and threw my eyes around the shop at the other boxes, they suddenly looked less like insect coffins and more like vessels of mischief.

"No," I agreed, "Perhaps something less obtuse."

I felt a little sullied by the wand, the first I'd held and it wouldn't even listen to me, I just wanted it to make bird. I wanted to see my magic fly around like Dumbledore had, but nooo, damn thing. I lifted my hand up to my face and stretched my fingers wide apart and decided that I wasn't going to let one unfriendly wand ruin this for me. I squished my hand onto my face like it was a jelly fish with a temper and pretended it was attacking me as I tried to pry it off. Several seconds later the cephalopod was defeated and I took in great gulps of air. I smiled smugly after faux catching my breath. Close call, but Jodie wins again, untill next time. I narrowed my eyes at the future before realising I was accidentally glaring at the back of Ollivanders head.

"Dragon Heart string, willow, thirteen and a quarter inches." Ollivander extended the box with the wand laying inside towards me. I gripped the greying wood and felt a soft sort of feeling from the wand. As if it was shaking my hand with a warm and gentle grip. I flicked the wand and imagined making it a life long companion and the box which had assaulted Dumbledore flew from his lap and toward my face. I slapped it to the ground and it landed on the floor with a thud. I looked at the wand in my hand and felt a sort of a detachment to it. It had let go of me, I placed it on the counter and lifted the troublesome box from the floor. If Goldilocks and the three bears was anything to go by, this wand would be just right.

The box was made of a crumbling card board, pieces of with made there light and lazy way toward the floor as I lifted the lid. Inside the box was a sort of tissue and a perfumed scent rose from its depths. I shifted the paper to the side delicately and looked at the wand rested snugly, like a treasure.

"Phoenix feather, ash, fourteen and a tenth of an inch." Ollivander rattled off to my left. Ash, of course, I placed the box on the counter and ran my hand through my smoky hair before wriggling my fingers and gingerly scooping up the wand in my left hand. I braced myself as I thought of the bird, the great bright singing beast which had swept through the air like a phantom made of a child's laugh.

I arched the wand through the air and thought of light and warmth and all my excitement moving through my blood and my hand and into the wand. Straight from my heart, the ash wood would work as a vessel to release the goodness into the shop. Somewhere in the shop I swore I heard a pin, or something of that magnitude, drop and clatter loudly on the floor. I laughed loudly and swung the wand purposefully again and the wand reached right into my middle. The wands power worked with my own to throw out a great sparkling silver whip of light. I felt it whip over my shoulder and it sped through the rafters before slowing in front of me to give me a curious look.

I began to tinkle out mine laughter

As it came down from the rafter

and the stately ravens stopping

Allowed our gazes a moments locking

Before he made haste toward the door

But he did not stop to stare down

Or taunt or caw or cause frown

but continued fly fly flying through the window, like before

and as I still felt like glowing, with the raven always knowing

I felt something I now knew growing,

I smiled and whispered;

"Nevermore."

The two wizards continued to stare after the raven as I lowered my wand and took in a great load of air through my nose, I smelt wood and blood and mould and cedar in the shop. It was like a recent battle had taken place on a marsh, it was actually quite soothing. The ash in my hand seemed to whisper in my blood and I readjusted my grip on it slightly before beginning to inspect its smooth pale surface.

"Do you know a great lot about magic, Ms. Malfoy?" the words seemed to fall quite tetchily from Ollivanders mouth and his eye brows had all but disappeared into his whispy hair line and I felt my head tilt to the side in an attempt to make sense of the roundness of his mother of pearl eyes layered in delicate cataracts.

"I know that I am coming to like it a great deal, may I have this wand?" I raised the wand up beside my face but did not hold it out to Ollivander as I did not want to put it down so soon.

"That was a very beautiful piece of magic Jodie." Dumbledore's voice floated over from where he sat with his eyes till fixed on the window. I turned my head quickly between the Headmaster and the Wand maker in an attempt to assess the baffling situation. From wide eyes to still ones I became frustrated and felt a line form on my brow.

"What have I done?" I asked beseechingly, "What is the matter with you two? I like this one, are we done?"

The two men still seemed distracted but they shared a look before Ollivander spoke.

"I would like to offer you an apprenticeship Ms. Malfoy." I whipped around and slammed my hand down on the counter dramatically to catch my balance. Dumbledore was once again formed into a tower of white beard and heavily patterned materiel as he approached the counter behind me.

"Garrick, Juniper has no formal education in witchcraft although Hogwarts extends the offer of a full education to any person signed on in the castle, she has yet to explore the option." I nodded vigorously and bored my eyes into Ollivanders shallow plates.

"It is of no importance, it is probably an advantage to have an unbiased approach to magic when learning the art of wand making" Ollivander let the words drop out of his mouth, he was so very curious a man, I blanched;

"I am just as likely to poke myself in the eye as touch my toe Mr. Ollivander, I don't have any formal education in anything." Me? A wand makers apprentice?

"Is she your charge Dumbledore?" Ollivander pressed as he seemed eager to hear the final word on the matter. A wand maker, Jodie the uneducated wand waving creator of vessels to your magical hearth and performer of beautiful pieces of magic, as told my Albus Dumbledore, I pressed my lips together as I thought of it, it wasn't without charm.

"I am seventeen," I studied Dumbledore in my peripheral vision to see his reaction "I am an adult and as you said professor, I must forge a life for myself. I need a profession, a forte, a niche. I like this room very much, and I like all these boxes and I think at this could be a very grand and wonderful thing to happen." I said all this with my eyes glued to my new wooden comrade.

"Jodie," I turned to Dumbledore and looked up his giraffe like figure and met his searching gaze. "You must do what you feel is right, but just remember, help will always be given to all at Hogwarts, if they were to simply ask for it." his eyes stabbed into mine and my wand hummed in my hand as I nodded slowly.

"I think, for now at least Professor, I will be just fine." I reached out my hand toward the wizard and he took in both of his before bent slightly to look at my face.

"I believe you will do very well here with Mr. Ollivander, Jodie, and I wish you the very best." My hand was very warm and for a little moment I felt like there might be more then magic on my side in this world. I felt cared for and smiled a small -the boiler will never be off with Dumbledore coming to visit- smile and nodded.

"You've got a friend in me Dumbledore." He laughed lightly and straightened himself out like a robot with lots of joints who had been well oiled recently. I stepped toward the counter, straightened my posture and held out my hand to the wand maker.

"I whole heartedly accept, Mr. Ollivander." Ollivander wrapped his tough skinned well cared for hand around my own wand flicking page turner and gave a single hearty shake.

"Wonderful." We beamed at one another, our white eyes flashing. Wonderful.

Dumbledore gave me one more heavy look before turning on the spot and vanishing with a pop. My eyes goggled in my head and I took a step back with out really expecting to.

"He's gone!" I blurted. Ollivander chuckled airily,

"Yes," I turned to look at the old man as he opened the side of the counter and gestured for me to walk behind, "he has gone someplace else, such is his way. Very busy man Dumbledore, no time for dallying."

"He runs the school?" I pressed, hoping to unravel a bit more of the man behind the cloudy beard.

"Yes, yes, among other things." I followed the charming old man through the unending corridor which I suspected would have been a ball room if it was emptied of all its wands. We reached the back of the shop and I was confronted with a series of complex and delicate looking instruments along a work bench surrounded by series of small and haphazardly attached drawers, one of which was open, from it a single ruby red feather came into view.

"Watch your step." Ollivander called down to me from the stand a lone spiral stair case which he was ascending. I stopped in my tracks and my eyes flew to the ground. Sure enough, the floor boards had been shifted and the foundation invaded to reveal a bank of wood. A recently harvested root was winding through the shop floors ground granite foundation. The wood looked to be oak, as its leaked sap, even from the root. The resin oozed from creases in the fresh cut wood and I examined it for a moment before approaching the stair, I paused at its base.

"Come along Ms. Malfoy." His voice carried down the stair way and readjusted my grip on the ash wand and draped my cloak over my arm.

"Jodie, if you don't mind Mr. Ollivander, I would prefer it."

I put my foot on the first spiralling step and eyed the banister warily.

I narrowed my eyes at the rail, "I'm onto you." I hissed.


	11. Sorceress

Chapter 11

Sorceress

Ollivander showed me around the three town house stories above the shop once I finished having it out with the banister. The first floor had a sort of landing and Ollivander explained that the "experimental work" room was to the left and the above shop flat was to the right. I nodded slowly and asked what the top two floors were.

"Well those floors are my quarters, of course you need only send a bell if you are in need of anything. I have some soup on the stove which you could have for supper if you like," he paused a beat before turning to me, "Jodie, but I am afraid I am not much of a cook. I tend to eat what I must to sustain myself for my work and research and not much more, to be honest." I was looked at the top flat door in confusion.

"But why is your flat down here when you live upstairs, Mr. Ollivander?" I asked, befuddled. Ollivander looked at me for a moment before smiling slightly.

"If I was to live in every room in the house where would you stay Jodie?" I was taken aback a moment, I sort of thought I could creep into the vault with my new cloak as a blanket, it seemed rather silly now. That Dumbledore would leave me alone and homeless just because Ollivander had offered to take me on.

"Why, Mr. Ollivander, that is beyond generous!" It really was, a flat. No questions asked… right here in the shop, on Diagon Alley. He began to bat his hand airily before fixing me with his eerie contemplative stare.

"You know wands, Juniper, they react to you. What happened when your wand chose you wasn't something a witch or wizard can fake, the wand didn't choose you, it bonded with you. You have a valuable quality that many wizarding craftsmen could only dream to have in an apprentice, Jodie." I tipped my head to the side as Ollivander approached me purposefully and lifted my wand wielding hand up so it was easy to inspect.

"Even now, you are connected to it, you are not a hexing transfiguring sort of witch. You are a Sorceress and you will make very fine wands, because it is part of your affinity for magic." A bell seemed to ring in my head, I am not normal here either. I felt a little disheartened, even in the magical world, I wore my unnatural self on my sleeve. I looked at the wand in my hand and smiled, I may not fit the mould for a witch, but I fit this wand just fine. Not to mention my affinities apparently had there perks, I made a perfectly good glowing bird and I had gotten my self a job in one fell swoop.

"Dumbledore can do what I did when I" I looked at Ollivander to make sure I was using the correct term, ""bonded" with my wand, he showed me."

The elder nodded and released my arm.

"Yes, but Dumbledore isn't really a hexing transfiguring sort of wizard. The Patronus charm is a very advanced piece of magic, and often can be performed by wizards who can produce a sort of silvery light. Your Patronus however, was fully formed and you did it without instruction or incantation. It is a very moving thing to see a Patronus like yours produced with no more then a deep breath and an arching arm."

"It felt perfectly natural to me, I wanted to create a magic creature like Dumbledore's ever since he showed me, it was so very moving, like you said, I had never seen true magic before then." I couldn't help but confide just a little in Ollivander, life was suddenly becoming terribly exciting and it was all catching up on me. Ollivander pulled a long oak wand from his sleeve and with a swish and a distant clatter a bowl of tomatoe and basil soup came flying into his hand. He moved his wand in a stirring motion over its top and steam began to rise off of it as he handed it to me.

"For the beginning of your training Jodie, I want you to read the books stacked on the shelf in your flat as quickly as possible from nine in the morning through to noon I would like you to work with me in the shop or the experiment room. After that I believe all I expect from you for quite some time will be for you to attempt to master your wand and assimilate into the way of things." I felt a bizarre need to embrace the craftsman but simply placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Ollivander." I smiled one of my largest genuine smiles and he presented me with a set of keys. "For the shop, for the flat, and this is the key to the vault into which I shall send your wages."

I was about to negate the final key but he gave me a look and then focussed his gaze on my soup and I realised that I couldn't very well assume responsibility for my basic expenses without announcing my seamless access to Blacks vault. Thinking of Black was really befuddling and I pushed his silly blathering voice to the back of my head, although his tenor did have an objective charm to it, I felt no need to commend it.

"Thank you." I said simply, for what felt like the hundredth time, "for everything."

Ollivander did another dismissive sort of wave and mumbled;

"I think that's the shop bell…" before descending the small spiral stairs.

The landing which I was on had another free standing stair case at its end . The walls were coloured a lined blue and the carpet was peach like the menacing ribbon downstairs. I turned to the sandal wood door to my new flat and felt a huge anticipation. "Jodie Malfoy, independent tenant in the flat above her knew place of work, where she studies and trains to produce the best wand the wizarding world has ever seen. Emancipated and powerful, with everything to gain and nothing to lose." I jammed the bronze key in the aging lock at the level of my hip and entered the flat.

The inside was mostly yellow with woody everything. There was a stove and a counter top with a small pine table set with two chairs to the right of the door. Ahead of me was a large circular window overlooking the bustling wizards. I approached the window to smile down at the throng happily, there was a squashy cream coloured couch on the left side of the room next to an arm chair. I placed my wand carefully atop the low dresser by the door along with my slowly cooling supper and draped my cloak over the hat hanging stick. I surveyed the room , the large light wooded book case Ollivander had mentioned stood flat against the wall to the right of the door. As I took the room in I felt something was a bit off, after a moment I decisively hauled the solid armchair over to the window noisily so I could look out at the sky and the people when I sat in it. I plonked down in it after a great deal of huffing and puffing and watched the clouds darken for a moment. Lovely.

I stood once again, to continue my exploration, I found a hot press, a free standing porcelain bath sat alone in a room, a lou with a little sink and a bed bigger then I could have imagined being anywhere but in a queens home. I thought on my cot and chair in my old room and pulled off my leather jacket as I headed back toward the main room. My main room. I was very very tired, more tired then I can ever remember being. Which made sense! I picked up my bowl of soup with my wand and eyed the arm chair before deciding it would be far to stimulating to see the world when all I wanted to do was sit somewhere quiet and dark. I entered my new bedroom, which appeared themed in reds and creams. I kicked off my shoes before demolishing the soup in a gulp and a half. I removed my tied and socks and bra and lord knows what else before beginning to get into the bed. I imagine it was quite like trying to find a place to rest in the belly of a beast made of clouds. I was crawling on a bed for goodness sake! I found my way into the middle and clambered under the covers with surprising ease. My wand was still clutched in my hand and was sending a happy sort of warmth through my arm. I barely registered the closing of the curtains surrounding my royal bed before I fell asleep. I very much hoped I would still be a sorceress with a wand when I woke back up.


	12. Hey Jude

Chapter 12

Hey Jude

My eyes split open as if to come right out of my head and I was about to roll over dangerously onto the floor from my small cot as I tried to recount details of the lucid dream from the night before. I sat up and realised it must be very late still as the room was still dark and warm even below just a single blanket. I flicked my wand and dim winter dawn light flew onto the red bedspread which stretched out to cover the expanse if my four poster bed, I stared at my wand and puzzled over its existence. The light attacking my eyes drove the reality home.

I felt, I didn't know how to feel. I clambered out of the bed in my wrinkled shirt and ran through my flat. My flat. I felt energised and right way in which was strange because I hadn't even realised I was inside out in the first place. I jumped up and down and laughed and my wand laughed to with swirly shots of golden light. I stilled my joyous hollering and my wand released several more ribbons of shining golden light before calming also. A clock resting on the small dresser by the door told me it was half seven in the morning. I was pleased to have not missed the Summer sunrise on this, my first day as a woman.

I observed myself in the rectangular mirror built into the dresser.

It was as I had feared, Jodie from yesterday was gone. My parallel stood in the mirror looking slightly concerned as she searched the space around me.

"Are you looking for her to?" I asked the woman and she mouthed it with me, we nodded together.

"She's gone." I smiled sadly with the new Jodie in the mirror. A circular black line was all that separated the white of her eye from where the colour should have been, just as it was with all the other girls from the mirror, berry stained lips and ash blonde streaked with conquering silver. She looked like some creature, not like a woman, but a nymph. She tilted her head and I saw a single dark freckle peep from the edge of her shirt collar into view. I looked in her eyes.

"Good bye." I tell her and she dutifully says it with my but she looks afraid. We reach for each other and I see her wand for the first time, she looks at it and seems happier. We nod fare well.

Approaching the kitchen cupboards I discover some grains and I add some water to them from the tap. After my breakfast I can see the sky brightening and hasten to the window to view the sun peeping out from an arch with "the leaky cauldron" written above it. The sun is a warm yellow and I feel my wand hum.

"I love the sun." I whisper to it, "No one can catch it, it comes and goes as it pleases." I watch the sun until it is to high to look at and then move from the wood framed window.

"We will rise now, I think." I tell the wand as I take my cloak and return to my room to make myself decent.

To my surprise I find some clothing in a trunk in my room. Mostly old fashioned shirts but at the bottom of the chest there were some full length cotton dresses. I picked out a faded grey one and slipped into it. It was a little big for me but I was tall enough for it atleast.

I had never dressed so informally in my life. I but my red rune cloak on over it and smiled. I wore no tie and no tartan, I was dressed like I would have liked.

I went to check the clock and saw I wasn't due to talk with Ollivander for another half an hour, the dress flowed around my legs as I padded, bare foot across the floor to my leather jacket.

I brought it to the table in the kitchen, and lay out the contents of its pockets.

I looked down at the curious assortment of items, so much the mystery. Here lie its clue.

"They are all of my life." I told the wand in a tempered voice, "Unfamiliar as I am to myself, having known myself long, but familiar as you are to me, having barely passed time at all."

First; the ring and the scrappy piece of paper which possessed Blacks name with the abnormal symbol, which I now recognised to be a rune. Then the box which I had retrieved from the vault along with the purse of wizard money.

"How now?" I asked the ash wood in my hand and I felt an excitement in it glow into my skin as a book flew from the shelf behind me.

"Scrying for answers, the art of problem solving with water. By Rumilda backle"

"You ought feel me comrade." I told the wand as I felt it reach forth for my answers to save off speaking. The bond, reinforced, was calm and comfortable. It was like nothing else I knew but made a very perfect sense. I was feeling more myself then I had recently felt. This new day would lead only to better.

There was little time for further investigation of answers but, alas, I stood and followed out of my flat, keys, wand and purse in hand.

Ollivander was at the desk on the alternate side of the reaching root when I touched base of the spiral stair.

"Good morning ." he turned his moon eyes on my and smiled fondly just as the clock beside him called for nine o'clock.

"Good morning Jodie, punctual I see, very good." I smiled at his praises and jumped the root before approaching the desk.

"How can I help?" I enquired. Ollivander leaned back in his wooden work chair and produced another with a flick of his wand. I sat in it gently, unfairly suspicious of its sudden appearance.

"This morning I will be showing you the basic mechanical aspects of wand making, shaping wood and such, next week I think we will be able to move to methods of binding to different magical to different woods and why, of course, all the theory will be on the top shelf of your shelf upstairs." His eyes lit as he spoke of his plans and I felt myself looking forward to having the mysteries of wands unravelled,

"So we begin!" I announced happily, like a child.

"Now Jodie, we do not use wands to make wands, it tampers with the works, so wand away please."

I looked at the ash in my hand and looked over to the window sill.

"Keep an eye on the sky, will you?" I asked the wand as I placed it on the sill, I returned to my seat with Ollivander and he launched into various teachings. He seemed to have a great love of his craft and nothing turned that thought to principle more than working with him. His enthusiasm with the way of even the most mundane aspects of the work in wand making was contagious and I found myself teetering on a precipice for every word he spoke. We paused for tea and bread but noon had arrived in moments and Ollivanders golden cogged mechanically faced clock announced angelus. He paused his speaking just as I had finished a semi smooth inner casing for a unicorn hair and ebony wand.

"I believe that anymore learning as is this would have you unable to maintain a standard of practice Jodie, we'll break till morning I think." I nodded happily and reached out my hand as the my wand returned to it, Ollivander shook his head,

"Simply marvellous," he stated as I got to my feet.

"Till tomorrow Mr. Ollivander." He waved me off and I ascended the stairs to my flat.

* * *

 

My life became this. The life of an exotic stranger whom I envied. I didn't go out much, I was beyond satisfied with the adventure presented by Mr. Ollivander. Once or twice I had managed to go back to the vault, first I told myself it was for money but if that was the case I could have easily survived off my wages. When one evening I went down for just two galleons I was forced to accept, at least on some level, that galleons had nothing to do with my visits to 711.

The first time I went to the bank alone I had been too nervous to eat. I had stood outside the vault door, wondering what to say. Holding the ring that my parents had left with me and wondering if he knew anything about it. Could I ask him? Should I?

I decided not to think, thinking hadn't helped me since April. I kissed the door and it swung open without a sound.

My footsteps sounded like gunshots.

When I cleared my throat, I'm surprised the volume of it didn't cause an avalanche of gold.

"Is that you?" he asked, and I picked my way over to a pile of galleons. I picked one up and inspected it.

"It's me," I replied.

"You don't sound too convinced." He was a man, younger than Dumbledore or Ollivandar, but probably not as young as me.

"I'm sure. Are you really Sirius Black?"

"Ah, so you've done some reading, have you? I'm surprised my reputation didn't proceed me." I fidgeted with the Galleon absently. 

"You're reputation?" I asked, despite myself.

"Let me tell you, don't believe everything you read in the papers. I'm actually very charming, and nice. I promise I haven't let the fame go to my head." I rolled my eyes.

"If you don't say so yourself. I haven't read about you Black, I wouldn't want to give you the satisfaction." What a perfect excuse that was.

"You're a ghost aren't you? I bet you'd love to read all about me if you could only turn pages."

"There are ghosts?"

"Don't pull my wand, what manner of being are you? I promise I won't judge, but I'm curious." A small smile appeared on my face, moving my skin in a way I wasn't familiar with. What was this feeling?

"You can stay curious then."

* * *

 

These meeting usually went the same way. I would step inside and try to say one of the charming things I had thought up on the way over. My mind would go blank. Sirius would say hello, laugh that I continued to deny that I was so clearly seeking him out and then marvel that I did not know more about him. I could have known more about Black if I had wanted to but I was worried he might somehow be associated with my parents darker past. I sometimes almost asked Ollivander but the words never came. Every few stolen moments that I spent with him eventually had me running scared. More often than I was running from his screams that had chased me out.

Sirius was, well, he was infuriating.

Something kept drawing me back, coaxing me into dismissing what I privately called his 'panic attacks' and the strange hints that I shouldn't associate with him. Before the screaming, the voice of Sirius Black had this quality about it, maybe he was a hypnotist? The name from the paper left by my parents, it caught on something in me. The fledgling curiosity I felt was not enough to force me to overcome my fear of discovering the worst. Instead I sometimes spent the journey to my flat making up explanations as to why he might be infamous for not being seen in public: he's agoraphobic, he's in the witness protection program, he had been bitten by a vampire and was confined to a coffin during bank opening hours.

From the why he spoke was surprised I was not frightened of him, but the more we had our brief conversations the more I was frightened for him.

I'd been living in Ollivander's spare flat for four months and he had me so busy there were still some unchecked presses in the kitchen. Summer had slipped into Autumn and the crisp air had never felt like it did in those months. I was adapting, I was becoming dangerously attached to my new life. More than anything else, I was having a love affair with freedom.

* * *

 

On a rare day-off from detangling dragon heart strings with fine gold tweezers and varnishing wood by hand, I found the time to search them. I found gloves, clothes and cleaning products. Among the cleaning products I sensed a whisper of magic. I put out my hand to pull it forth, a skill I was much closer to understanding, a broom flew into my hand.

Of course, I turned to the circular window by my stuffy chair and thought about pizza ads I had seen on TV for a moment before I marched over to the window and undid the latch. It opened out to the wide like a door and I grinned as I sat upon the broom. I had seen people whizz by on these and I really hoped there was nothing to it as I tried not to think to much.

"Fly!" I cried and I flew through the window straight up into the pale sky like a rocket. The dusky blue, cotton dress with laces running from the neck to the hem at it's back billowed behind me.

I screamed and laughed as I sped over the heads of fellow witches and wizards, my wand thrummed against my skin from its place in my bra where I had stowed it to keep it close to my thumping heart. After circling high above the street for several moments I saw London city in the distance and decided there was one thing I would do before the day was out. I slowly brought the broom down to the ground and dismounted clumsily.

I lay in a crumpled heap on the ground, I felt rather like the underneath of a shoe, trod on. I huffed and hopped to my feet,

"Insolent contraption!" I told the broom. "Wait up there till I call you down." It dutifully rose several metres above the crowds and sat static, I felt like I had scolded a child who was only playing.

"I didn't mean to snap," I called up to it. "I'll be back soon." The broom made no indication having heard me but I shrugged it off. I turned and came in contact with the bemused expression of the scarred vendor, Remus Lupin.

"Lupin," I acknowledged. "A pleasure." I nodded and decided that my blush could be played off as a reaction to my evident recent physical excursion. I had taken to buying junk of Remus most days of the week. I had never had the opportunity to own anything before and I told myself that was why I was now developing a habit of collecting excess objects.

"How've you been? How's Ollivander?"

"I've been busy as always. Mr. Ollivander is very mysterious as always. Thank you for asking." I ran my hands through my fine hair. He laughed breathily. I smoothed my hands over my dress.

"And how's your broom holding up?" His silly, little moustache shifted and I smiled.

"Much better than my other cleaning supplies."

"I'm happy to hear it."

"Keep an eye on it, won't you?" I asked.

"Where else would I be?" He shrugged and I realised we were right beside his menacing cart. He often moved it, I'm sure he did it just to catch me out.

I waved as I walked toward the arch for the pub. Ollivander had said it was the way to get from our London to 'theirs'. I weaved my way through the crowd, I needed to get into muggle London. I would spend my day-off imagining there was no Dumbledore, that I was Jodie before magic. I would give the old girl something she might like today. There was one mystery that I had wanted to solve for the longest time. I wanted to hear the melody for "Hey Jude", magic was something I had never dreamed of, but the yearning to hear the beautiful words formed in the right way, to the right sound, had been a very old dream of mine. I jumped over a whistling box being dragged behind a plump witch as I closed in on my destination but, alas, I was intercepted before the archway.

"Cancer," the heavily-tailored black and emerald robes spat, and I raised my supercilious gaze accordingly.

"Excuse me?" I asked, affronted and perplexed.

"Cancer Malfoy." and I realised who the robes contained, my uncle looked distempered as I took in his haughty appearance.

"What about him?" I asked. Lucius seemed to teeter slightly. I stood confused for a moment as Lucius glared at me with his malevolent height. I was very glad to be a tall lady at that moment. It made not summoning my broom and running away a lot easier. Malfoy opened his mouth again to say something undoubtedly hurtful and offensive. What a knob head. I sighed, I suppose I had been lucky to avoid him since our last encounter.


	13. Mirror Man

Chapter 13

Mirror Man

"Show me you arm, child." the mans snootery seemed to fail him as I shrugged and presented my right hand. Sure, the man was undoubtedly notorious, but he was, bizarre as it might seem, my family. As he observed my outstretched appendage he seemed to have a similar sort of reaction as he had when I had presented him with my old ring. A sort of compelled horror followed by a resignation, but as if Narcissa had once again stepped forward to ruin the abject comfort of disassociation with an orphan raised by muggles our line returned on his brow.

"Your wand arm, I trust?" This man lived to baffle. But I lowered my clumsy right hand and lifted my deft left.

"I'm left handed actually, Uncle. Really, your only niece and you don't even know-" but Lucius seemed in no mood as he covered his mouth with his hand as if nauseas. Really! it's a hand, not a neglected child's nappy. He lifted his own left hand and held it parallel over mine, I felt a sort of… something and jerked my arm back.

"You scoundrel!" I cried indignantly, "Have you never heard of propriety?" I lumbered back several steps. "Someone presents their arm and you set out to… to .." I didn't quite know what he had been trying to do, but he didn't look like a scoundrel. On the contrary, he looked rather like a tortured aristocrat, I felt like I had when I was scolding the broom all over again.

"To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, eh, Uncle?" I tried to lighten the mood by way of apology, he was a bit of a Hamlet after all, with a name like luck.

"Your name?" He stepped forward to where I was standing and I realised the part of the street where we were standing had been vacated. We were in an amphitheatre walled with nosy wizards and I turned to see Remus at my back looking questioningly at me and I shrugged at him before turning to Lucius.

"Did I not already say?" I probed, quite irked by the shameless on lookers. Lucius just shook his head no and continued to look both lost and condescending. He was a true exercise in contrast to the only other truly esteemed wizard she knew, Dumbledore, firm footed and down to earth. No perhaps there was room for arrogance in the visage of both gentlemen.

I flicked out the edges of my dress, curtsying dramatically.

"I am Juniper Malfoy." No one really said anything and Lucius looked distempered, good, back to his old self.

"Yeesh, tough crowd." I sighed. I rolled my eyes as he opened his mouth to say something rather ghastly judging by the fact that he appeared to have smelt something very terrible. I felt no real need to deliver unto Lucius a plumed feather form of speech. I was more up for verbal sparring the last time we had met some months before. Right now I had a great big world to marginalise and become disillusioned towards. Surely my Uncle can understand that, I can't shape my whole day off around him and his fine blonde hair. Am I the only one talking or is there something wrong with my ears? I wondered but then as I pivoted slightly to observe the crowd I saw various weirdly shaped wizards doing whispering to one another and seemingly making a very big mountain out of my mole hill of life. I like learning about wands and spend most of my time indoors, whatever they were whispering about could really involve better subject matter then me and my notorious Uncle.

I saw Remus still at my back and tried to look at him in a way that would impress upon him the importance of his return to work and the watching of my broom. He simply looked on, he seemed to be enjoying himself thoroughly but when he saw me looking at him he mouthed,

"You're crazy."

"Runs in the family." I wonder if he could tell what I was saying just by me mouthing it but he sniggered so I suppose there was something funny about it. When he looked up he gazed over my shoulder seeming troubled and I turned my head to see a hand grip my shoulder, Remus sort of lurched forward. He was quickly followed by my stomach as I was squeezed through some interdimensional tooth paste tube. I came out the other end feeling like a seriously abused accordion, or a cartoon character who had gone all stretchy.

I was in a palace sort of place and I scowled.

"That wasn't very polite!" I crossed my arms and span to see Lucius standing in front of a painting of Lucius. They both had matching looks of haughty derision and I sat on the floor.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked from the ground, I belatedly noticed a rather grand looking settee which I probably would have just somehow spilt something on anyway.

"Oh stay your mouth Juniper, it isn't ten years of plague every time you choose to be quiet!" Lucius spat out and I sighed but said nothing. The room was a canary egg blue met with white and gold guild. To my right was an incredibly large tree reaching for the high ceiling. I was briefly reminded of gangly adolescents when I looked at the tree and I wondered what Lucius might have looked like when he was a gangle. I assume he wasn't a fat kid. He was no longer standing in front of me but had pea cocked across the room (a considerable distance) and he had picked up a box.

I stood and followed.

"What do you make of all of this, Mr. Malfoy?" I found it hard to call him Lucius or Uncle when I wasn't mocking him. I very much wanted to know what things would be like with my bigoted family members. I didn't want a lot to do with them, but perhaps it is good to ally yourself with the influential from both angles. One should not doubt the hand held out, after all.

"All Malfoys are left handed, did you know that?" I shook my head.

"No, I don't know very much of anything." I admitted, trying to ease my apprehension. The wand made no indication of feeling threatened and I decided it would help me protect myself if need truly be. I felt it agree.

"Well there is a great deal to learn, assuming you need to know it." I crossed my arms and remembered how Ollivander had explained about using wands to burn. Voldemort had used this magic to mark his followers on there skin. Lucius wore a heavy material robe but I reckon the sleeves would be less difficult to shift then most of it. It fit to his figure dramatically well and I thought it a bit effeminate.

"When you ran your palm over mine, what happened?" I pressed, hoping Lucius might have fresh answers.

"It is a way of recognising kin or those to whom you are magically bonded." He shifted hurriedly through the box.

"Why did you bring me here?" I queried and shifted my weight on my feet as I observed the finery surrounding me. I felt like I was standing on a floor made from original manuscripts of King Lear and canvas where Da Vinci explained a thing or two about the Mona Lisa's smile. It wasn't a very pleasing way to feel.

"Answers." He mumbled in his very fancy voice.

"Can I see your arm Lucius?" I asked curiously, he looked at me from the corner of his eye before pulling a file from the box laying it on top and presenting his wrist.

I poised my hand as he had done but then moved to twist my hand around his arm before tugging at his sleeve. A button may have gone flying or a shaved, break dancing panda could have made its way through the room but I didn't notice either way because for an extended moment all I could see was the mark on my Uncles arm. The dark mark, I stepped back and Lucius yanked his arm free with unnecessary force.

"Foul play." He hissed.

"A concept I suspect you are not unfamiliar with Uncle." I firmed my footing and my concern for family ties disintegrated as Lucius I reflected on the repugnant taint on the mans arm. He had done bad things and he would do bad things, he was no ally.

"You ignorant bigot." I spat as Lucius buttoned the remaining button on the cuff of his spun gold coat of pretension which sat on him like a second skin.

"You naïve insolent child, dare to offend me in my own home" He pulled a snake head studded wand from a smooth black cane and I received a heavy blow to the chest which seemed to reach inside me and pull the air out, as if with a hoover. "and Dumbledore is not here to protect you." The very thought alone seemed to make his day. I sucked a great roaring gulp of air back in from where I lay, splayed across the floor and dizzy. I coughed heavily as I turned to my side, the ruch of air turned my stomach and I felt bent. Having developed a talent for balancing my weight when falling, thanks to plenty of practice. I didn't seem to damaged. I inhaled another sharper breath through my nose before exhaling as I turned on to my stomach on the ground for a minute before rolling to my side and spinning on to my feet.

Another flick of his wand and I was tossed back a step, a shooting pain ran through my Achilles tendon and my leg buckled.

"You know what they say about racists and bigots, Uncle?" I pressed as I tasted something metallic. The man was so proud, he flicked his wand and I received a sensation much like being punched in the lower back. I flinched and felt a need to fold myself in half.

"Something soft and passive I'm sure." I firmed my footing as I cradled my assaulted stomach. I turned my white eyes to his;

"They say they don't change;" I splutter as I straightened. He tilted his head and as I stretched my arm straight out in front of me I felt my wand shoot down my sleeve into my hand, "they die."

Lucius began a march toward me but with help of my wand, his dark wooden box of papers from the table shit forward and violently bludgeoned him in the back of the head. He hit the floor with a thwump and I jumped a little as his wand clattered across the floor.

He skidded onto the polished wood several feet from me as the box skid across the floor and bumped my foot. I inspected the wand from a distance briefly and observed that it was much like the one I had first tried. A Malfoys wand.

The box on the ground seemed to be full of all sorts of papers. Everything from wrappers of sweets to the moving photos I had seen in news papers and shop windows. There, right at the top, was a page with a fancy script reading;

"I have hidden him and I will discover the truth before I retrieve him. I do not believe Freesia is a harlot but I do not believe I have had two sons. I can make no sense from it.

Cancer is without reason. He is cursed for it, magic inverted, I see not why this is as it is.

There ought be no pluralism in progeny, the child is born of mirrors. All is backwards since he had come, he is a corruption of the way of things, of order.

He will stay with Miklov for now."

It was a journal entry, about my father. I shoved the fresh parchment in my pocket. It was a copy I think, to fresh to be anything else. Lucius began to stir and I saw something else peek from the edge of the box. His name, Sirius Black. I clutch the top of the page and slip it from its place before holding my wand tight and asking it to get me out of here. It seems apprehensive, it doesn't know how. I panic but there is a fire place in the room and I run to it in search of floo powder.

There is a rustling by one of the large doors and I point my wand at Lucius he flies into a chair. The door opens and there is a sheen of white blonde hair.

"Father?" I hear a caricatured version of Lucius voice hum through the room with the lilting tones of a child. I continued to search frantically for a moment and spot the pot on the other side of the fire place before I am met with a suspicious pair of steel blue eyes on a fair boys face.

"He dosed off." I gestured toward the unconscious man but the kid ignored him. Did Dumbledore mention the kids name? I did know there was a kid involved. "Did he tell you I might be coming to visit?" I asked as I begged my eyes not to flick in the direction of the floo powder or anywhere else suspicious for that matter… like the doors or at the shifting wizard in his expensive looking chair. I tried to tuck my wand in to my sleeve a bit while distracting away from the movement by running my hand through my hair.

"No, as a matter of fact, he didn't. Who are you?" I opened my mouth and closed it again and then felt myself do a number of other suspicious things like glance at Lucius who seemed to be gaining vigour.

"You might not want to be here when he wakes up, kid."

"I asked you-" a blue streak cracked the wall by my head as a dishevelled and uncoordinated Lucius Malfoy rose shakily from his chair. The blonde kid looked at me like I had cancelled ice cream and I thought for a moment that I probably did, like if he was coming in here hoping for ice cream, now he definitely wasn't getting any. He turned and began the process of storming out and I caught myself in the shape of his ear and its curve to his jaw. Cousin. I dove forward as Lucius set off another notch of marble from his fire place and near impaled myself on the poker. I lifted the side of the ornate pot and rolled into the fire beside me before calling out the only address I knew of on the floo. Why getting in to a bank has this direct a method I must question. I slipped belly first this time through the fire place and judging by the parting site of Lucius hurrying through the floo I had a pursuit on my hands. I prepared myself for a fabulously angled floo dismount as I saw the edging of the floo grate for Gringotts ahead of me. Next time I will just flag Remus down from my window if I need to buy something. I think that experience had shaved about ten years off my life. My rib cage ached dully as I slipped through the floo and the metallic taste in my mouth had been blood, surprise surprise.

I tumbled out the other end of the floo in a slightly different fashion then planned but still re-emerged with style, my own personal style of trying not to crack my skull open. Lord knows, I had family members to do that for me…


	14. Fear

**Chapter 14**

**Fear**

I attempted to stay calm as I scanned the bank, I knew that there was no time to make it to my broom or Ollivanders. Certainly, there was not enough time to owl Dumbledore. A Deatheater, my damned damn family, Deatheaters. I winced and began to run up the aisle lined with shrunken men, the head Goblin glared at me over his spectacles.

Slowing my pace, I ran my hand through my surely harried hair and approached his podium nervously. My foot steps hurried, I didn't want to cry, I so very much didn't want to cry. My eyes felt like little pools but my mind felt so rational, I begged the water not to fall out, everything I said or did would be so hindered by anymore signs of hysteria. I really must not allow these tears to fall. I commanded myself, I gulped heavily and felt like the gesture might tide me over for a few words.

"I…" I began but felt a pushing sensation move from the back of my head toward my face. I stayed quiet for a long moment which I didn't really have and balled my hands into fists.

"Yes?" The goblin attempted to coax my words from me but unfortunately my silence was my only protection from the dam before my eyes becoming water soluble and not much use at all. I did a sort of half curtsy in the hope of keeping up the pretence of thinking these Gollum's to be lovely and to win some time to suppress the interceding of hiccupping wheezes on my speech.

"I, uuuh," my voice shook but I pushed forward, telling myself that only I could hear the quaver but I knew it was a lie. "I wondered if Mr. Gorgos is here, if he is available to escort me to my vault? Please?" My voice was very quiet and I hoped to God that the Dryad had heard me, repeating myself would be next to impossible. I heard a body hit home by the floo and seized up. Calm, foreboding footsteps clacked their way across the floor in rhythm with the tap of a cane.

I felt like someone was testing how an orphan reacted when under high stress situations in environments with severely low oxygen levels. I took in a tight breath an felt as if I was asphyxiating. I barely noticed the gesticulating of the head goblin but felt a little relieved at the familiar site of Gorgos holding the lantern.

"Ah," I squeaked, before clearing my throat and gulping thickly once more. "Thank you." The Head Goblin raised his eyebrows as I inhaled shakily but simply pushed up his spectacles and nodded. The steps continued, time seemed to drag very slowly as one by one every follicle in my body tensed sporadically in quick succession. I followed Gorgos and hoped that Lucius had stopped tapping due to being slowed in his concussed state. My wand buzzed from where I had it rested against the inside of my sleeve. I sensed Lucius mere inches from me, the goblins paused in their work and I felt Lucius point his wand into my back with painful force.

"Are you as much of a fool as to try, as to even think you could evade me?" he hissed in his posh grumble. His breath disturbed my hair.

Fear, I whimpered a little before lurching forward as if pushed and span on my heel, continuing to flail a bit for balance but facing Lucius all the same. A few tears slipped free but I pretended they weren't there as I firmed my footing and tipped back my head.

"You know Uncle, I think it odd that in my life it has become far worse to call someone a racist then is to actually be one," I spat the words out vehemently and narrowed my eyes to match my uncles.

"You dare-"

"I think that that much is obvious, now please, lower your god forsaken wand." But he didn't, of course. His mouth tightened and he moved toward me, I stepped back and my thigh hit the cart.

"I will not be talked down to by an ignoramus." Lucius had obviously reached his limit and I felt a rope spin around my middle. I looked down and saw nothing. My confusion was replaced with dread at the sight of my uncles sadistic leer. It was him, he was doing it. Squeezing air out of me like so much tooth paste. My lips grew numb and my head span. My wand found its way into my hand and I was pushed in to the cart. It shifted and Gorgos sat ahead with his lantern.

Lucius had cast some gibberish spell and I felt my head becoming heavy and lines blurred between space and thought. Lucius was reaching for me but I kicked out at him. He lost a small amount of ground and I thought it odd that he hadn't anticipated my attack. Perhaps he had is eye on my wand, the cart chucked ahead a few feet and then flew off. Everything span around me and I felt my aches more and more. When I closed my eyes I could see the dark mark and the flash of Lucius abstract fury. As I swayed around, not properly seated, I nearly tipped out of the small vehicle.

Fortunately before I could go rolling down the tracks Gorgos must have grabbed the scruff of my dress. In a way this increased my safety as I was more secure, but now steering with only one hand the goblin had us flying down the tracks at more precarious angles than ever. As the cart eventually stilled I felt a hand brush mine lightly and I opened my eyes once more.

"Did you hear him calling me an ignoramus?" I questioned in a breezy voice before I sat up and supported my head in with my hands pressed over my eyes.

"I did, we are at your vault." I nodded floppily and groaned.

"At least he didn't call me a racist though, eh?" to my surprise the goblin did allow a chuckle for that and I pulled myself out of the cart to the outside of my vault with a small smile followed by a grimace.

"Can I wait here until my uncle has vacated the premises? To avoid further chin wagging, is that acceptable, Mr. Gorgos? I apologise if it's disruptive."

I was lying on the flat of my back on the landing before the steps toward the vault door, staring at the endless cavern above, had we really dropped this far down?

"I think it tactful," he surmised, and the cart sped off.

"You are very kind," I called after him in my new, stumbling tone. I stood, and wobbled up the steps to my vault. I was moderately warm inside and it was dank and drafty in the cavernous underground.

 _Hello Sirius,_  I thought to myself as I pressed my lips to my rune on the door. I felt a bit giddy at the thought of talking to the man in the wall, Lord knows why. It had been weeks, taking in to consideration all the magical happenings I had experienced since speaking with him, the novelty of such an interlude should be well worn. My body filled with a tingle which was reminiscent of Lucius "kin finder" trick and my mind produced an image of a raven flying toward a barred window.

"Magic, how about it?" I asked the door, as I felt the fog in my brain clear with my vision. I took the parchment with my grandfathers journal entry from my pocket and tore off a scrap from the side, I began staring at the ground around my feet. I took a soft dark stone from the step, placed it over the symbol on the door and took a rough rubbing. I held my work out to survey it as the door swung open.

"Not bad," I said to myself. I shoved it back in my pocket. I began to miss my foggy brain as I became more aware of the aches and pains in my body. I entered the vault as quietly as possible in the hopes of delaying or perhaps even forgoing Blacks notice, don't say a word about the aforementioned giddiness, I had been touched in the head! Completely excusable.

I lay on the floor for a moment and closed my eyes, taking raw, deep breaths.

My leg, my back, my neck, my ribs and my esteem seemed in the most peril. I tensed up every part of my body I could and counted back from five before letting go and allowing tears to fall. Silently at first but I began to release semi-suppressed keening sobs after a few moments. I rolled onto my side gratingly and gave up trying to stay quiet. It was giving me an ache and made my head feel like I was standing on it, which is physically impossible to my knowledge. The thought made me choke out another cry, any knowledge I had was so superfluous now. I pulled my wand into my hand and held it tight. It connected so fully with the light in my middle and I fought to remember it was there, like Dumbledore had shown me an eternity ago. The most amazing and beautiful thing I had ever seen and it was a part of me.

But Lucius Malfoy was also a part of me and so were all the dead girls in the mirror and all the scared girls who I hadn't met yet. I sniffled as I sat up from where I had lain on my side, my back made a dull throbbing complaint. My dad was like a mirror.

I took the journal entry from my pocket once more and stared at it. My dad; the mirror man.

"Hello?" I heard the smooth drawl inevitably and threw my hand over my mouth, hoping he would go back to what ever he had been doing.

"I can hear you tapping your foot or something," he teased and I stared own at the treacherous appendage which was indeed tapping. I pulled my hand from my mouth to hold it still before spotting the blood on my finger tips

"Shoot," I hissed, and then flung my hand back to my mouth to keep it quiet and jab at the blood collecting on my lip. "Damn!" I muffled through my hand. I got to my feet gingerly and walked to the desk with the varying leather things on them before draping myself across it gently. "Whatever, you caught me," I sighed before picking up a singular cotton bag among leather and blowing my nose on it.

"Lovely," he chuckled. I settled there, facing the ceiling, my white hair fanning around me settled on dozen of moldering sacks laid out on the old wooden table.

"So you aren't dead then?" I asked scathingly as I folded the cotton bag and threw it behind an ostentatious wall of gold.

"I'm not dead and you're not crying," he remarked as if that settled it, I flew up from my rested position on the table.

"Ow!" I hissed as I gripped my ribcage. Note to self: don't move. "I'm not crying!" I called out. "Not anymore anyway. Don't you have better things to be doing then constantly monitoring this vault, Black?" I began to weave my hair together, really, the nerve.

"Well usually it doesn't need monitoring, it's just an old goblin trick. I took a potion when I was of age as this security measure could be put in place. Now tell me, why were you crying, love?" He seemed to be really enjoying himself and he reminded me of Remus for a moment. I wonder if Remus was worried about me, I was essentially forcefully apparated to God knows where right in front of him after all. I smiled a little smile before answering.

"Because I went to the Doctor today and clocked in at seventeen stone, it means I can only have three or four chocolate bars with each meal now! My life is ruined!" I cried out in as genuine a way as I could while trying not to laugh.

"Oh, well." He seemed to be searching for something to say "Uuuh, really?" What a genius, his voice actually split my sides from trying not to laugh and as the pause grew I knew he must be getting suspicious. I was in enough pain as it was, why must I crack myself up? "You're having me on, aren't you?" My laughter began to crack around the room in great peels as I tried to control myself.

"You, you…" I continued to pant it out through playful laughter, "I so had you!" I finished as I began to maintain a level of decorum.

"Well I didn't want to be insensitive," his light heartedness was offset with a familiar air of desperation. He talked as if he had to much air and not enough at the same time. As if he was high on a mountain but the thin air was pure oxygen.

"What's happening?" I asked, with mounting dread.

"I, I cant talk anymore, I, ah;" his speech was punctuated with a whispering and I felt my wand shift in my hand. "If you, if you hear people saying, about me, just. Be something for me." He seemed to be seriously struggling and I was now running my hands along the walls from which his voice leaked. Trying to reach him.

"What would you have me be?" I asked frenziedly, although I really wasn't overly concerned because I don't even know him. Feeling a connection with someone you don't know when you don't feel one with anyone you do know is crazy, so that isn't what is happening here.

" just…" and there it was again; I tucked myself against the wall and pressed my hands over my ears as he cried out.

I didn't dare answer or call for help. I barely wanted to move, his terror was gut wrenching. Where is he in the world?

My wand buzzed in my hand and I felt a sheet of paper shoot into my right hand beside my eye as there was a sort of inhuman howling.

On the familiar page was his name, Sirius Black.


	15. Burning Betrayal

Chapter 15

Burning Betrayal

I gritted my teeth as keens continued to flow from the walls and I begged my ears to become deaf to no avail. I unwrinkled the sheet, which appeared to be a newspaper cutting, with tingling hands, "Sirius Black arrested by ministry officials for murder of former friend Peter Pettigrew and intimate dealings with He Who Must Not Be Named" the headline read, a square picture on the right of the page showed a cackling man. He screamed silently out at me, the illusion reinforced by the animalistic whimpering surrounding me. Trapped in my vault so as to protect myself from Lucius, I tried to think of a way to endure the horror. I felt like I was listening to the background noise in hell, it grated my nerves and I began to shake more erratically as The voice refused to relent, my brain begged for silence.

I needed to find out more about Black. I stood in the middle of the vault clutching the article in my hands, not able to process much more than I had. Could it be true that the only person I had ever really wanted to get to know was a murderer? A blood supremacist who was swiped from the right hand of the darkest wizard to ever exist? Who was now becoming hoarse with a more and more human scream pouring into my ears? It filled me with apprehension.

"You have a lot of explaining to do!" I yelled loudly as I wiped a few risky tears of compassion from my face.

"Harry," he choked out; "Oh God, James." the man was sobbing doggedly and the sound fixed itself in my ears. It was so foreign, I had never heard anyone grown cry before. I was surprised that other adults cried at all, I suppose it was silly to think that. His deep lumbering cries became shaky breaths as he began to recover. The contrasting quiet pressed in on me like being on the inside of an elephant in an undersized bodice.

"Hey?" he whispered, he seemed scared, his voice quiet.

"I'm here," I answered.

"Are you real?" The paper in my hands rustled a little as I dropped my clasped hands to my sides loosely.

"Yeah I am, are you?" I asked, feeling jarred and off kilter, I glanced at the article again

"Mass murder" "Betrayal" "Tragedy" "Helpless" "Black"

The words sang off the page as I ran my eyes over it, the man in the picture was wearing pyjamas and holding a license plate. He continued to scream out at me. It was obviously a big hobby of Blacks, screaming like a mad man.

"Betrayal" I saw the word again before I turned my eyes back to the vault walls. Looking around as if Black would waltz out from behind one of the piles of coins in his pyjamas.

"I don't know," he answered. He sounded afraid and exhausted, I forgot all about leaving as I lay on the ground. I felt so drained, I was so fed up of being full up. I was so used to being able to control my environment, I did one hundred mind numbing dull things a day at my own pace before. It all seemed like moving in slow motion when I looked back. I had done as much that day as I had done in the average year at Pembride.

"Are you ok?" I asked the convict as my wand pulsed in my hand.

"Would you mind humming a tune, Love?" I felt a little tingle when he called me Love, no one had ever called me anything more intimate then Jodie, and Jodie wasn't even my name really. He began to explain his bizarre request clumsily: "I used to, well, when I felt… I can't remember any myself. You know… right now." His voice was still hoarse but I liked how it sounded, you know objectively, I mean he is probably a mass murderer anyway. But I couldn't bare the thought of hearing someone suffer like that and not grant them such a simple request, even if they had put a knife in me.

I began again to whisper out the lyrics to "Hey Jude", manipulating the perfect words to haphazard and mismatched tunes.

"Hey Jude," I began delicately as I imagined a beam of reassurance shooting from me through to Black, where ever he was. "Don't make it sad, take a sad song and ma-"

"Wait. I think I know this one better then you do."

He began the song again and cracked out the first few words, unsure, but then a flow emerged. His dulcet serenade filled the room like steam and settled on me as I picked up the tune. I began to sing along and by the end of the first chorus a little tear had mapped its way down my cheek, just off the beaten tear track, from the corner of my colourless eye in to my silvery hair. The coffee stain on my singular copy of lyrics to the song put a pause to my knowledge of the lyrics and I felt my heart begin to pick up a little as Black's voice continued to fill the air around me. Slowly his voice poured into the vault and lifted me up to float on top. I rose up through the air, lighter than the weight of it/ A little piece of me found a leg to stand on in my new world of stumbling, I had finally found something I was searching for. I was standing somehow. Unable to sit now that I was lighter than the air. I held my wand in my right hand and the paper with Blacks name on it in my right as I rubbed my last frivolous tear on my cloak sleeve.

I burnt the article with a flick of my wand. I chose my side right then I suppose, and as Black dropped the last sultry note I delivered a familiar arch of the arm, releasing my raven into the room, ignoring the stiffness in my limb that felt immensely better while the raven began to pirouette through the air,

"How far can you fly?" I asked it and it swept around me once more before shooting upward and through the vault ceiling.

"I suppose I had known it all along," his intonation was quite warm and I smiled a little.

"Goodbye," I spoke in a tone which didn't betray how warm my skin had become. The man seemed to somehow radiate balmy, even from where ever he was, his voice made my skin flushed and dewy. How very bizarre. I made my way toward the vault exit, throwing a curious glance at the forbidden door within the cavern.

"Bye Jude." I hoped the edge his voice carried was the edge of sleep and not an impending night mare. For what man could survive it? "Don't forget about me."

"Okay," I called back. The vault door slammed behind me. I would return to the bank now, deranged uncle or no. I was done stumbling.


	16. Initiative

Chapter 16

Initiative

I stepped out onto the platform outside my vault feeling confident. I had to just remind myself that I am Jodie, I am Juniper Malfoy, the same girl who cried about being weird and not being able to make friends. The same girl who dreamed about running away with the zoo. The same kid who learned how fun it could be to dance even if no one would dance with you. Who Dumbledore found. I was full of light, I had learned that there was a light in me. I always thought I was tainted, wrong, and maybe I was, but I at that moment I was Jodie, woman of the world. I saw a belle on the edge of the platform and stepped forward to give it a ring. I read over the journal entry about my Father. If he was this way then what way was I? I love walking around with no shoes on. I mused, I should go to the sea and make friends and celebrate Christmas, there was so much to do. First things first, I needed to deal with my Uncle, make wands and find out more about Black.

Moments later the familiar shrieking of the cart approached and reminded me of every shriek I had ever heard in my life; the kettle, me after one of my dreams, the broken radio and Sirius Black.

" Lucius Malfoy still occupies the foyer," Gorgos announced gruffly; "You are quite well?"

"I am, thanks for asking," I said jovially as I climbed into the cart. "I think I will come kick him out for you, would that be agreeable." Gorgos began to adjust the carts break and we sped off;

"Lucius Malfoy is a formidable wizard." Gorgos said gravely as he set me with his all black eyes.

"I suppose your eyes are so Black because goblins are fans of the underground and things, better to catch the light." I smiled and then put my hands against my face shaping my fingers around my eyes like glasses.

"The sun hurts my eyes because they are so pale, they fill with juice."

"Is this the tactic you intend to use to rid us of your uncle?" Gorgos looked at me skeptically and I laughed.

"You have excellent comedic timing Mr. Gorgos, did anyone ever tell you that?" He simply turned his back to me and as I continued to laugh.

"We near the surface, ready your wand." He croaked and my wand tickled me from its place in my sleeve. It was like a hamster. I wonder what its like to swim.

The light stung my eyes as we trundled back into the bank. I straightened up and smoothed down my blue dress.

"Thanks, it was ever so kind of you to give me somewhere to hide so I could recover from the first degree assault I received from my only living relative." I said smiling, I would love a glass of water. Gorgos merely gave me an uninterested look before taking the lantern from the front of the cart and stepping out.

"I expect I will be seeing you soon " and he shuffled off.

I love the jungle book, I wonder where Malfoy is. I never thought I would meet another Malfoy. Lucius swept out from behind a majestic pillar, He was missing a quotient of elegance I remarked inwardly. Perhaps he was still suffering from a certain knock to the pratty head.

"What was wrong with my dad?" I asked before his sneer could leak out in a series of flaccid and uninteresting statements.

"Oh, I think you know." I rolled my eyes and placed my hands on my hips, this man really reminded me of the kids back in Pembride. Trying and prying was practically mandatory by their standards. I really abhorred most people I met, they made little genuine effort to be kind. Really the only decent people I had met were either very old or very suspicious. Like people covered in scars or living in walls.

"For goodness sake, I know nothing about it." Lucius began to bring up the sides of his mouth in a truly unpleasant manor and I bristled. I had never been one for kicking and screaming, I was more of a resourceful striker. I liked to make quick practical accurate blows.

"You know what? I'll figure out for myself." I began to rush passed the highest goblins desk, he looked down from his perch and raised his eye brows.

"Thankyou very much." I said politely as I turned to face him before completing the spin to face the front door. As I opened the door I was once again faced with the roaring street but as I raised my foot to reached the first step I felt something bind my ankle. Looking down I saw nothing;

"Curses." I muttered and the pressure on my ankle increased before I felt a sudden tug backwards and crashed down toward the steps. The tie on my ankle released as I got closer and I went tumbling down. My knee collided with the first step, sending a jarring sensation up through my leg. My shoulder caught the next step and I flung my arms around my head to protect it. I tumbled down, incredibly aware of each strike I obtained, each one hammering the reality of my Uncles insanity home. As I lay at their base, sprawled on the ground, wheezing around a fractured rib I was thoroughly incensed. Black spots clouding my vision, my brain lay helpless encased in my broken, frail shell and I tried to move. I cried out as another shock of pain racked my nerves, I bit into my lip and a woman bent down beside me as I straightened my posture.

"Are you alright dear?" The woman asked, her Irish brogue and blonde hair reminded me of a character out of an old story book. My eyebrows crinkled up as I pulled myself upright.

"How clumsy of me." I coughed into my hand and I saw a spot of blood against my palm. The woman looked horrified.

"Oh don't worry!" I assured her, "That's from earlier." Her eyebrows shot up further and I reflected on what I had just said.

"Right." I said but then I saw a swoosh of Black fabric on the top step, from my place at the base of the stair I saw his cold pleasure.

"Help me up please." I said to the lady and she nodded. I gripped her fore arm and she pulled me to my feet.

"Are you sure you should be-" She began; I gave her a big fake smile.

"We get knocked down." I said to her assuredly and hoped that settled it. I looked up at Lucius.

"I am going to have you for this Lucius, you dolt!" His wand seemed to move carelessly in his hand but I raised my own.

"I don't know how to work this thing," I tried to ignore the spots clouding my vision. I am a fully grown witch, a few stairs weren't going to change that. "but I am pretty damn good at it," I continued, my wand knocked his from his hand and I turned into the gawking crowd who shifted to my favour;

"I will personally see to it that you have reason to look over your shoulder for the rest of your life you insolent child." Lucius spat after me in his regal baritone. I huffed and span to face him for what I decided would be the last time; his barbs were poorly placed and tiresome as it was;

"Well there will be no need for that Uncle since I will be so busy attacking you head on, looking for you behind me would be a waste of time. You ought to know that if you are faced with an adversary the boldest plan is the safest. Or have you played the coward too long to figure that out?" He marched down the steps in my direction as I moved into the crowd.

"Think on your empty words as you run to cling to your childish delusions." I watched from behind, the blonde witch who had reappeared to shield me from view as he scanned the crowd and rolled my eyes. He soon adjusted his focus and began moving toward his wand.

"Thankyou." I whispered to her ear and I felt her soft hand brush mine.

"Till we meet again," She said kindly and walked into the crowd. I furrowed my brow as she turned her eyes on me for a moment and gave me the heaviest look. It was quite warm really. I just wanted to go home, so I did.

* * *

 

Lying in my too-comfortable bed that night, I tried to turn off my brain. My head throbbed and I had struggled to find my way home with the black spots clouding my vision. My thoughts were swarming like bookworms, eating away at the only words I had. Tunneling through my story. Why had Lucius had that article about Sirius in the same box as he had kept all the information on my parents? He'd had a whole box of papers. What else was in there? What more did he know? What was going to happen next?

To think that morning I had felt so free, so easy.

I thought of Sirius in his cell in Azkaban. Sirius who seemed to enjoy nothing more than to poke fun and scream in terror. Sirius who was so confident and yet completely vulnerable. What he done? What had they done to him?

* * *

 

I had, understandably, forgotten my broom. It was almost Christmas time now and it was  _snowing_. I was thankful for my coat, even though I hadn't actually left Ollivanders since the  _incident_. I couldn't face the world knowing Lucius could be around any corner, this was his world, mine didn't exist.

It was the thought of Remus that eventually got me out in the cold. He would say something nice to me. He always had at least one nice thing to say.

I tried to hold that belief in my mind as I made my way along the slippery cobbles. Passing from one enchanted carts bubble of magical warmth to the next. Very little of Diagon Alley revealed the airs true chill.

Remus stood in his earthy robes, fidgeting through his box of change and throwing furtive glances into the crowd. My broom _still_ floated several metres above his stall and I gestured to it, it slammed into my hand. He hadn't moved his stand in all that time, maybe for my sake. I was glad I had come, I was glad to see him. Remus glanced up to wear my broom had been and looked panic-stricken for a moment and I smiled, he thought he was in trouble.

I walked over to him and leaned on the counter as he looked around the side of his cart. I rang the small bell there. His stall was decorated with little mementos and personal bits. A half-eaten bar of chocolate, a 'Get-well soon' card with little waving people on the front, and an interesting looking book on " _The up and coming controversial legislation to be faced my dark and half-bred populations in Wizarding Britain_ " I picked it up.

The text on the bookmarked page included some prattle about 'werewolves to be registered officially at the ministry' and that 'an unregistered werewolf was to be spotted by civilians and named' using 'identifying techniques' yada yada scars yada aversion to tin-based and silver bla bla. I flicked through a few more pages.

There was a detailed series of suggestions regarding vampire communes and I raised my eyebrows, really? Vampires and werewolves? I suppose it did make considerable sense what with the witches and the wizards and the dragons and the goblins and all that. I wondered if there was anything on goblins in there and snorted as I saw more obviously outlandish speculation. Even to someone as ignorant to goings on as myself I found it hard to believe that vampires had no control. They had been unmonitored till now hadn't they? As far as I could tell there was no neck-snapping on the busiest street in wizarding London. Really!

Remus emerged beside me having apparently walked the circumference of the cart in search of my broom;

"Having fun?" He quizzed, I started slightly. I turned to him and held the book up at eye level;

"Really Remus, Don't tell me you buy into this drivel." I gave him an assessing gaze and his eyes flicked to the book. He gulped slightly as he watched it in my hand. "I assume this isn't actual law!" I went on, as I placed it back on the ledge below the haphazard counter. He let out a nervous laugh and slipped back behind the stalls edge.

"No, but it very well could be." He said it as if the thought left a bad taste in his mouth. I gave him an assessing gaze. He seemed to return to himself. "Are you alright, I haven't seen you since Malfoy-" 

"-Are you a werewolf?" I asked curiously, remembering how he had seemed upset when I tried to give him my silver sickles. I looked down at the little waving characters on the card and picked it up. There was a photo glued to the front. I looked again at Remus and saw that he had lost a lot of colour. "Remus?" I asked, concerned. I flushed a little as he grew paler. "Oh sorry! I didn't mean to be brash I just thought, well what, do you mind being a were wolf?" He looked around edgily and stepped forward, moving as if to put a hand over my mouth but instead just placed a finger over his own.

" _Please_ , keep it down!" His eyes were wide and his jaw on edge. I blanched, and looked down at the card.

"Touchy," I breathed quietly in a sing-song tone. I looked the card over, the card. No. Way. I ran my hand through my hair. Remus was giving me an incredulous look and shaking his head but I ignored him;

"Who is that?" I asked, pointing at Black's smiling look-alike standing next to a waving lady and a man waving a toddlers hand. A plump little man stood beside them looking self-conscious, he waved a podgy hand out. Remus had a faraway look and then dropped his head in his hand. He started pulling at his hair and I frowned before coming in behind the counter and leaning against the carts back wall with my broom next to me.

" I'm sorry, what have I done?" He turned his wide, pained eyes to me and worked his mouth before tuning the carts sign to closed causing thin curtains to shriek across there rails as they covered us in. I pressed my brows together again but then relaxed a little against the wall. I thought again of Lucius, hiding with Remus was really quite nice. I felt safer, even if I was apparently a great cause of distress to him. 

"Remus?" He had is back to me and it seemed tense. I felt like the air was a bit crackly and I crossed my arms and huffed out a great breath of air. I felt like a dead horse. I pulled a loose thread from the edge of my boot and set it aside to bind my hair after I braided it.

"How did you-" He turned to me and I felt like a wave had broken upon me as he looked at me. I felt my mood plummeting. Why did I always do this to people? Why did I never know the right melody or the right thing to say? Why did I do everything stupidly? I continued to braid my hair and a familiar tugging started in my belly. My wand buzzed in my sleeve and I pulled it out before placing it back down the front of my top. "What are you-?" I looked up at his amber eyes and noted a scar stretching down the side of his face.

"How did I..? What am I...?" I repeated. I looked at him confused. "What have I done wrong now?" He shook his head again and gulped.

"You have only gone and unhinged my brain in a half-second." He turned away from me and then span around to face me again, this time he just looked concerned. "What happened between you and Malfoy?" he asked again, seeming worried. I opened my mouth and tilted my head and then sank to the ground.

I put on my 1920s greaser voice. "Siddown son, you aw makin' me noivus." Remus moved to sit in front of me stiffly. We sat on the dirty, trod on cobbles under his cart roof in silence for a moment and Remus set his back against the edge of the cart. "Will I go first?" I asked, hoping I had taken us somewhere more amiable. I really abhorred most people but Remus was different, maybe because he wasn't a person at all. He gestured for me to go on. " Malfoy took me to his palace, things sort of kicked off, I flooed to Gringotts, he followed me. I got away, I went home. Then I came here, I showed off my great social ineptitude once more and you went all pale;" I stole a glance at him and saw him staring at the canvassed roof with a little twitch in his moustache. "I invited myself behind the counter of your evil stall, then this happened. Can you tell me what I've done wrong?" I finished. He lowered his eyes to look at me as if I was totally off it. I felt dumb. He looked at his hands.

"Well," he began. "You went through my things, accused me of being a monster, loudly, and then you pointed at a picture of my arch enemy as if you don't know who he is." His posture made it seem as if he was trying to make something very clear even clearer and I nodded slowly.

"So you don't want me people to know you are a werewolf or that Sirius Black sent you a get-well card?" I pressed testily.

"Is that a question?!" Remus's jaw hung loose and I laughed loudly.

"Let's be friends," I said with a grin. He pulled the chocolate off the counter and ate a piece. He chewed it slowly for a minute before giving a snuffly little laugh of his own and offering me some.

"We already are," he replied, continuing to look at me as if I was completely mad.

I took a piece off it, nibbling a bite pensively for a moment; I glanced at Remus in the muted light and smiled happily.

"I'm right though, you're a werewolf." I should become a detective.

"Drop it. Its not polite conversation between friends," he grumbled and I rolled my eyes.

"Don't worry Remus, I'm backwards, that can't be much better. Besides I think you'll find that polite conversation is rarely either." He raised an eye brow at me and we both took another bite of chocolate. Finally he sighed.

"Can't be much worse." He stood up as I bound the edge of my plait. His scarred hand held out to me and I allowed him pull me up. I tried to look at Sirius's tiny face properly. He might be as old as Remus. Remus who gave me a strange look and took his card from my hand. He flipped the sign around and the light flooded in.

"Watch it!" I cried, "I have very sensitive eyes!" He just shook his head.

"Buy something or get out Malfoy." I rolled my eyes and stepped outside the stall.

"Pass me my broom Remus." I smiled. He passed it out. "I'll see you later you total human you," I said to Remus. He gave me a particular look as I waved and headed off to get myself in more trouble.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Tonks

Remus and I became closer over the next few months, he even met me on Christmas eve for a butter beer. I had been so excited to tell Sirius about it, someone had wanted to spend a holiday with me, to celebrate with _me._ I didn't mention Remus by name, mind you, I remembered clearly how Remus had called Sirius his nemesis.

"I'm celebrating with you, Jude."

"You're not exactly choosing to though, are you?"

"No I'm not, I have no choice but to feel festive this year. Your Christmas spirit is contagious."

"Oh I'm sure, I bet you're covering a Dementor in tinsel as we speak."

He barked out a laugh and I felt like a glass of human champagne.

"Being mad isn't so bad," he told me, he often doubted my existence.

"I'm really talking to you, you know."

"You and Father Christmas."

"Oh is he on the other line? Should I go?"

"Line?"

"Oh sorry. It's a muggle thing."

"Don't go."

"I'm not."

 

I never left until I had to. He told me small things about himself but mostly I spoke. I had never truly confided in anyone before and I'm sad to say my life hadn't come to much before meeting Dumbledore.

* * *

 

Remus had gotten me a gift as well, a record of the Beatles song 'Hey Jude'. I listened to it religiously. I came to notice how weak Remus became around the full moons. He explained how werewolfism (or 'lycanthropy' as he called it), functioned rather like an illness. He told me again and again how he had never harmed anyone but I already knew that. Remus could never be vicious. Most evenings I had off I stood with him at his cart and suppressed the urge to discuss Sirius.

I slyly gazed at Black's smiling face waving at me from the card out of the corner of my eye. I went to extreme lengths not to be caught doing this, including once trying to try an actual spell on Remus. He had tried to teach me small ones but it seemed that my magic was an off-brand. My tickling charm had done nothing and Remus had narrowed his eyes at me before huffing and turning away.

I knew Remus must be about the same age as Sirius, though he never said. Never brought him up at all. They were older than me. I thought maybe it would me nice to know someone my age, maybe even a girl. This became a great aspiration of mine around New Years Eve, when everyone else was celebrating boisterously and my two friends were no where to be found.

I stood in the owlery in Diagon Alley in the rent-an-owl queue (having been sent to the back by numerous disgruntled patrons after my apparently obnoxious stroll straight to the front, search me). It was nearly February when I met her.

I had never sought company, not since I was small and scared. I had thought about it, I had cried because I didn't have it, but I had not gone looking for it for a long time. As each hour on the outside of the institute passed, I wondered how I had made it this far alone. When I was now entering a life where everyone exists in a bigger and more complex knot then my organs on their worst day.

How many of the gawking wizards walling me in with Lucius all those months ago went home to tell their wives, who told their friends, who would tell Lucius wife? I imagine she would say it to him and they would argue about him embarrassing her by assaulting some girl in the middle of a street twice. Then she would be shocked to find out that I was indeed their relative and tell Lucius to come get me so she could cram my feet into paunchy shoes and make me baby sit my pointy faced cousin while practicing posture with a boring book on my head.

"No!" I cried out loud and several owls hooted, distempered. I heard the squeak of someone's shoe as they adjusted their stance to gawk at me. I looked behind me too, to make it seem as if I was looking for the source of the strange outburst.

"hmph" I hmphed thoughtfully before I raised my eyebrows confusedly at the witch ahead of me. The brown-haired woman narrowed her eyes at me in a gesture that said: 'I am not impressed'.

"Face front," I sneered, she looked affronted and opened her mouth as if to speak. I made a movement with my hand as if winding a circle, signalling for her to turn around and her skin became ruddied. People here are so strange. Maybe I had over isolated myself, back in the home I grew out of talking to adults and usually just mended things for crying kids. I wouldn't tell them I did it though, I didn't want them snotting all over me in their 'please be my parent' gratitude, yuck.

The man at the counter was tapping his fingers and the lady eventually realised she was next in the queue when the girl behind me cleared her throat. The plump woman began to pull a trove of letters from her person before beginning to place them on the owl poo-smattered counter and I groaned loudly.

"She is a piece of work," I said to myself, shaking my head. A laugh emanated from behind me.

"Says you!" Came the glib voice of the throat-clearing girl. I turned to her, she had hair like mine but neatly tied back and I opened my mouth before closing it again, I looked into eyes almost as pale as mine.

"Oh God!" I said feeling thoroughly tired by the very concept. "Please tell me we're not related!" The girl laughed and shook her head. I had been momentarily worried that reminiscing about the Malfoys had summoned one of them to me. I had decided weeks ago after much heated discussion with Remus. No more Malfoy rubbish, though he had promised me there were no other Malfoy women.

I watched with wide everything (as per usual) as brassy tones flowed through the girl's hair like a wave. She looked at me now with crackly brownish hair and soft brown eyes on a heart shaped face. She grinned wickedly. I wondered for a moment if I was hallucinating, but taking a moment to assess the room full of owls I came to the usual conclusion that if I was, I was too far gone to merit worrying about.

"Wotcher." She continued to smile the greatest smile I had ever seen and I was suddenly very glad for the ugly fat woman's never ending bodice full of drivel scribbles to be sent to other fatties in tatty plumed hatties with furry pet catties (Alliteration forever!) I raised a hand in the traditional manner used to show you hold no weapon and the girl looked at it for a moment and then shook it.

"Tonks," the girl said, she must have been about my age. Imagine! A girl my age. Excitement bubbled up in me.

"Jodie uuuh..." I dropped her hand as I floundered and then glanced at the counter, the woman continued to be an abhorrence and I turned back to the girl who was the same age as me. "Nice hair," I finished my trailing, broad vowel where the 'Malfoy' should have been.

"Thanks, you are the new Malfoy then?" the girl, Tonks, asked. I cast my eyes around and repressed my Remus like flails of would-you-please-shutuppery.

"Yes, it's terribly exciting," I said and pulled in a little squeaky-noise as I made fish lips. "How do I do that with my hair?" I asked as I looked at its maintained shade of bronze touched brown. She flooded it with a bright pink, it suited her.

"Sorry old friend, I was born able to do it," she said, shrugging. Are all girls our age like her? I greatly doubted it, people like her didn't turn into people like fatty at the counter just by aging a few decades. She called me her friend.

"So you are weird?" I asked, keeping my tone neutral but feeling a bit hopeful, just a bit.

"No, I'm astounding," she said, as her hair eyes flicked from there brown to a purplish colour and back again. She pressed her lips together as if she had a bad taste in.

"Oh." I looked at the ground and bit my lip.

"You didn't seem to forward with the whole being a Malfoy bit," she said tersely and I felt my eyebrows push together to form a what I now knew to be a very Malfoy line at the top of my nose. We were having two completely different conversations.

"Yeah, the Malfoys I have met are pretty dumb." I shrugged, continuing to avoid the cool girls eyes. I felt smaller than the normal girl (who for the record was my age and knew the difference between a wand end and a barracuda unlike some silly Malfoy kin).

"If you're not invested in the whole Malfoy thing then why are you upset over a little weirdness?" she asked, seeming a little appeased and pleased with my answer. My skin flushed a little. I tried to think of a way to explain how I had hoped not to be viewed as strange among all these things which seemed so strange to me. I was sick of being weird alone. That was probably why my friends were an accused murderer who I was convinced more everyday was innocent and a werewolf.

"I guess I just thought it would be normal once I got here," I answered. The girls hair darkened slowly to a severe red and returned to its pink as she looked at the ground and then at the owls surrounding us. I adjusted my broom in my hand.

"So I'm normal enough for you? A little too out there?" she snorted and her eyes shifted to stare at the ground and I felt frustrated. Momentarily distracted by our miscommunication.

"Wait, what?" I pressed, but the girl began to walk out of the shop muttering;

"I don't need this..." The man at the front fixed his stare on me.

"Feel like holding up the queue all day?" the man fussed. I gave a little condescending laugh. My arm flew back behind me and grabbed the back of Tonks' robes in an iron grip. I walked ahead to the counter with her struggling on the end of my arm.

"I'll have a pretty owl, sir." I smiled sweetly and then turned to the girl who was scratching at my knuckles.

"Tonks!" I cried indignantly when she wrapped her teeth around the side of my hand. I really never thought I would seek out company but for some reason I never expected to meet a girl my age either. She paused in her movements and her eyes flashed to me.

"Shove it Malfoy." there was a truly mean look on her face. I rolled my eyes,

"I am not a bigot and I think we should become friends," I said, hoping it was the right thing. That I had to gotten to the heart of her irritation with me. I let go of her robes with a dramatic flourish and turned my back to her as an especially ugly owl flew onto the counter in front of the smug owl man,

"Very funny. You have some poo on your head." I dropped a galleon on the table and put my arm out for the owl to climb aboard. The girl beside me snickered. "I need her for one day," I told the man who was now patting his head lightly with his hand and smelling it. I winced a little as the owls talons dug into my arm.

"For that galleon and two more sickles I will give you the ugly flea bag," the man said as he wiped his hand on his front and crossed his arms.

"Yeah," I snorted. "Like I'm cleaning the things cage." I looked at the owls orange eyes "I don't think your so ugly, endearing more like." The owl let out a little coo. Maybe I will buy it some other time. Or just not bring it back.

"Suit yourself." He waved me to the side and looked over my head. I stared at the owl, the owl stared at me. He turned his head the whole way around and met my eyes again. I smiled and before I could think, my hand was clattering the extra change to purchase the creature down on the table.

"And for you, spit fyre?" He smiled belligerently at Tonks with her fiery hair. God I really hated most people. I made my way over to the quill bay and rested the great owl upon a perch as I placed my broom on the floor.

"One moment," I heard the girl say, the queue let out a collective groan. I suppose she could have become a woman by now. She was suddenly beside me and she yanked the quill from my hand. She used it to scribble on my hand, it was numbers. "Listen, I'm still in Hogwarts, but I'll be in London alot over Summer. Give me a ring then." She gestured to her scrawl. "Good luck with that."

She smiled at me and returned to the counter. I shook my head at the phone number written on my skin. I transferred the number onto paper and shoved it in my pocket before looking at the orange eyed owl above me. I had wanted to send something to Sirius. I knew now that Sirius was in the prison. Reading a little about it in the paper I had learnt a bit about creatures called Dementors. As it turned out my raven, still my favourite bit of magic, was designed to ward them away.

Dementors were also the reason for Sirius' screaming. I was sure of it. I held the quill stationary in my hand and the owl cooed softly. I cursed my own fear. I eventually just wrote the address of my flat on the paper and sent the owl home.

 I looked around the domed room surreptitiously and saw the proprietor of the shop prattling with Tonks. The witches and wizards in the queue either talked amongst themselves or stared distractedly into space. Tonks bought some owl food and waved brightly to me on her way out.

* * *

 

I spent the next while taking Tonks number out of my pocket and staring at it happily before shoving it back again. Sirius had become sick of hearing me go on about my 'new friend', expressing this by finishing every other sentence I said about her, proving how repetitive I'd become.

"She's really confident and she'd only a little shorter than me, and I think I'm quite tall."

"For a goblin maybe."

"Hush! Did I tell you she can change her hair-"

"-With just a thought? Only twice this week."

"If I'm boring you, why don't you tell me something about you're life for a change?" I snapped.

"What do you want to know?"

"Can you tell me about a happy day?" I asked him.

He paused. "No." 

"Why not?"

"Maybe because it's still Winter. It's colder, darker. It makes it even harder to remember."

"Spring is on it's way," I promised.

"Is it?"

"Sure, can't you keep a calendar? Count new moons or something?"

"That's not really how it works out here," he grumbled.

"What? There's no moon?" There was a laugh in my voice.

"The Dementors," he said, I could almost imagine the worlds leaving his lips in an icy fog. "They block out the stars." This was one of the few times he deigned to speak to me of where he was since I had first asked. He never tried to convince me of his innocence but sometimes I wish he would.

He did once mention, that if he had done as they said, Azkaban would have killed him long ago. I clung to those words, sometimes at night I stared at the canopy of the four poster bed in my flat and imagined him there with me in the dark. Asking me if I was well, listening to my ever increasing record collection. Asking me how I was feeling.

* * *

 

I could tell by the sudden rush of children into Diagon Alley that school had been out for atleast a fortnight. In the time approaching the Summer months I had filled out a little. I was still built wrong for a girl my age, it had been a shock to see how much some people could eat, Ollivander and I ate small meals. The busy season was on it's way. I was in such a rush to get dressed that morning to enjoy my day off that I had needed Remus to tell me that my dress was on inside out. I had been wearing my green pinafore which I wore most warm days. It was good for work, and not too heavy.

I sat in my usual spot in the vault on the wooden table to the side of the room, considering fixing my clothes.

"You can't see me in here, can you?" I asked him.

"Not a thing, you're just a voice in my head. More pleasant and informative than the rest mind you." 

"Alright, good," I replied. I unpinned the top of the dress, pulling it over my head before straightening the shirt underneath.

"Why? Are you changing in there?" he asked and I gasped. I tried to pull my shirt lower over my legs.

"You can see me! After all this time, and I thought-"

"Wait, you are changing?! Why are you changing in the bank?" He was laughing now, far too loudly.

"I had my dress on wrong, shut your mouth!" I demanded. All too quickly he seemed to settle.

"Alright, alright," he mumbled. "So, what are you wearing?" he asked, and he was off again. 

"I'm starting to understand why they locked you up Black," I griped.

"For your safety, I'm sure love." I wondered if I should have made that joke as soon as I had said it but Black could surprise me sometimes by being even tempered.

"You know the school is on break, and Tonks is off so I was thinking I would-"

"-Call her today," he finished for me.

"Don't be a brat," I mumbled and stared at the pile of coins I often imagined him crouched behind. I pulled my dress over my head, tugging the hem to where it sat just past my knee.

"Jude, it's been months, if you don't call her soon she isn't going to remember you," he reasoned. Maybe it was because he was older, but he was always trying to reason with me. Everyday this week he had said these words someway or other. I realised then how frequent my visits to him had become. Over our first Summer it had been once a week, but now, it was more like every second day. Sirius never remarked on how much or little I visited him. There was so much that seemed taboo with him. Then again I had been glad he never questioned me further about my right to access his vault. Other than to occasionally ask if I was real or a goblin.

"She said she was my friend, you don't forget your friends." Sirius hummed approvingly and I flushed proudly at the unspoken compliment to my reasoning.

"Then call her, or she might think you've forgotten her."

"You haven't met Tonks, she's very self assured." I reached into my pocket and fidgeted with the worn paper that had her number etched on it.

"I know you're nervous but you shouldn't be, you should be-"

"-excited?" I finished and fought the urge to go over to the coins I imagined him behind and try and actually find him. Eventually I spoke again. "I wish you were here," I whispered and he sighed.

"You don't need me to drag you by the hair, go drag yourself. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and go call her on the tellyphone." He was trying to be encouraging I knew but I couldn't help but laugh.

"It's telephone, but yeah, other than that, you're right." I pulled myself up, the day had come.

"Say 'hi' for me," he said as he always did, he must have sensed my intent to leave.

"No," I replied as usual and I left quickly, glad to have timed it so that the comfort of our conversations didn't draw too many Dementors to Sirius's cell in Azkaban. I thought of how many attacks he had had to undergo because of me and felt a familiar guilt creep up on me.

* * *

 

A few hours later I was standing in a muggle telephone box, cash in hand. Working up the nerve. I had never made it this far before and I'd be damned if I was going to turn back now. I popped in the coin and dialed the number I knew off heart at this point. It rang for what felt like an age and then,

"Hello, Ted speaking." Worst case scenario, the number was a fake,

"Sorry Sir, I must have the wrong number." I forced out a laugh... maybe she has just written it down wrong? But then I heard her in the background.

"Who is it Dad?" she asked.

My heart soared and before he could respond I cried: "Is that Tonks? I'm calling for Tonks!"

He made as noise of understanding and spoke again: "It's for you Nymphadora." My heart hammered in my chest as Tonks chastised her Dad for not calling her by her preferred name. Then she was talking to me.

"Who is it?" I twisted the cord around my finger.

"Juniper Malfoy?" I asked for some reason, like I wasn't sure, "From the Owlery?"

"Wotcher, how've you been?" my face almost split with the smile that spread across it.

"Busy," I half lied. "would you meet me in Diagon Alley?" I asked knowing that if I didn't I'd lose my nerve, I pushed a ten pence piece into the payphone to keep the conversation going. She hummed thoughtfully and I bit my lip. After what felt like an eternity she spoke again.

"Sure, I'll floo into The Leaky Cauldron." I nodded stupidly for a moment, my eyes fixed on the self same pub just a few yards up the road, I replied breathlessly.

"Alright." The line disconnected, the coins I had deposited into the machine clinked into it's depths as the phone call ended. I walked to the pub and waited by the fire, I didn't have to wait long before she arrived. Dressed in purple with hair to match.

"Wotcher Malfoy." She winked and then I caught her as she tripped over the coal bucket. She disentangled herself from me sighing. "Business as usual," she remarked and I tried to think of something to say.

"Will we go for a walk through the stalls?" I managed and she shrugged nodding.

"Yeah I'm not much in the mood for a drink," she remarked, "I have tests coming up and my mentor always says the same thing to me 'constant vigilance', if he found out I'd been drinking he'd have my eye."

"Which one?" I quipped as we made our way toward the back of the bar, through to the entrance to Diagon Alley.

"Mind you he doesn't usually take students on from the Summer program, but I'll get my NEWT results soon and then he'll probably be even worse," she told me about her instructor as we meandered through the market, she was training to be an Auror. Unlike Sirius who mentioned he had aspired to join the defensive department in the ministry, Tonks was actually doing it. At one point we lost track of eachother as I had been distracted by the sight of Remus closing up his cart a little ways a way.

I returned my attention to Tonks who had pottered a few metres ahead.

"Wait up!" I called after her to get her attention and she span round a little too quickly. The gesture ended, with her getting caught in her own robe and careening toward the ground. Things slowed for a heart beat and I flicked my arm.

My wand shot into my hand and the seating cushion from one of my settees at Ollivanders appeared right in the middle of Diagon alley to catch the pretty girls fall. As she gazed down at the cushion for a moment, laying atop it on the flat of her stomach, she returned her eyes to me. I shrugged helplessly, as if it was completely out of my control. I began to approach her.

"You freak!" she said, and then she began to laugh, hard. For a moment I was stunned, hurt, I felt very small but then I saw a little twinkle in her eye and a little something clicked. I had summoned a piece of furniture in the middle of the street, and it was funny. A laugh bubbled up from my middle and it felt strange, it was like a normal laugh, except it wasn't like that at all. The bubble was followed by another. Soon the laughter escaping me as I landed on the cushion next to Tonks was a sort of laughter I didn't expect at all.

"I.. I-" I continued laughing as I thought of the look on the other girl's face when she had realised the cushion was my fault. "I cant breathe!" I cried out and I could hear her breathing becoming laboured as well, she managed to sit up, impressively, but quickly collapsed in another fit of giggles. Then I realised I wasn't laughing at all, I was giggling, I was giggling like a school girl, like I was supposed too giggle at eighteen. Maybe you have to meet a school girl to laugh like one, I thought. A blunted shadow fell across the ground which I lay so near;

"I see you've finally accomplished your mission Jodie." I rolled onto my back and contained my mirth just long enough to register Remus, he was holding my broom, I must have left it at his stall again this morning. This time accidentally.

"Oh goodness!" I cried, "Tonks," I tapped her arm from where she was laughing into my belly; which I kind of liked, no one had gotten that near to my belly except me for a long while. For the most part. The girl looked up at me and I pointed to my broom in Remus's hand.

"I left my broom." I laughed more, I didn't know why it was so funny. Tonks burst into fresh giggles too. I struggled for a moment with my aching belly I sat up on the cushion, Tonks did the same.

"Tonks, this is my friend, " I said as I pulled myself off the ground and pushed a stray tear from my eye.

"Remus this is Tonks." I pulled my broom from his hand and smiled at them both,

"Well," I laughed, still feeling floaty; "shake hands!" and they did, sort of. Remus seemed to have picked up a sudden penchant for staring as did the now pink haired girl.

Their hands met as normal, Remus pulled her from the worn cushion on the ground. The people in the street were depleting in numbers and as I stood beside the two of them with my broom I felt confused. Remus didn't let go of the funny girls hand, they both just looked at each other, Remus was a little pink and the girls grin grew bigger, if that were even possible.

Maybe they already knew each other? Maybe this was the correct way to greet people and I had applied the methodology from books incorrectly so far? I knew I was wrong though, as I watched Remus eyes fall to the girls small hand with chipped purple paint on her finger nails. He held it in his and coughed, breaking the spell. Tonks hand dropped to her side quickly, I couldn't help but think that I had missed something very important.

"I'm Nymphodora Tonks." She glanced at me and I glanced at Remus.

"Remus Lupin, pleasure to meet you." Tonks turned a little red in the cheeks.

"I have to bring this back, would you guys like to come round to mine for some tea?" I asked. Gesturing to the furniture cushion I was struggling to carry along with my broom.

Their heads snapped to me. Remus seemed hesitant for a moment but then Tonks piped up;

"We'd love too! What's the deal with your parents?" She pried carelessly which I loved. "Do you live with Malfoys?" I grimaced along with Remus.

"Good Lord no! I shudder at the very thought, I think I might gag. Don't even say that! Yuck!" I heaved for a moment and then regained my composure and said calmly; "I live in the flat over Ollivanders, I'm working there." they sort of exchanged a look that wasn't quite as much about them but more about me, it didn't seem bad though and we continued to walk toward the flat, I adjusted the fat cushion in my arms.

"Let me take that." Remus scarred hand lifted the cushion from my hands. I stopped at a stall serving chips wrapped in newspapers.

"Three please," I said to the vendor.

"Medium or Large?" the woman asked.

"All large, obviously!" Tonks cut across and the vendor raised an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah, go on." I laughed and switched my broom to my other hand as I dug in my pocket for some cash. Black's problem now, I could discuss it with him after the hours it would take to cover the excitement of today. Remus began to laud out something after he realised my intention.

"Jodie! I can't possibly allow you too…" but he was cut off and I turned to see what had silenced him. I saw Tonks had a finger pressed to his scarred mouth.

"Don't think so much Remus." I realised there was something in the way she said it. I was glad to have met Tonks, for all the things she seemed to know that I didn't, there was one thing in particular that I wanted to talk with her about and I just didn't want Remus to be there when I brought it up. It had something to do with that lilt in her tone. I passed a galleon over the counter and the vendor handed me several bronzy coins.

"Thank you," I said politely. The stalls along the street appeared to be closing. When Tonks moved her hand away from Remus face and walked ahead, stumbling on the cobbles for a moment he looked at me. How did she make him go still?

"Who did you say she was?" he mumbled to me.

"I said I just met her," I replied, "You don't mind staying for dinner, do you Remus? A lot of this making friends thing is guess work on my part, you know?" I confided something very personal in an easy dismissive tone. I felt dumb for doing it.

"You're doing fine." He laughed lightly, his sad laugh. I did feel like something connected me and Remus, something a little bit better then what made me want to be around other people. Remus felt like a real piece of family to me, Dumbledore was just a physical representation of what my life was now, Ollivander was another parallel to that. Tonks was, very shockingly, a girl my age and well.

Really I was sort of overwhelmed with the amount of connections I was building every moment. When I had left Pembride I had sought new things to be afraid of and I had found something. Suddenly I was very afraid of being alone and forgotten again, now that I finally existed outside of myself I felt like I had an identity. Being something made me tactile, existing gives people something to hold on to. Jodie the ghost, the occasional creak on the stair whose greatest marks were book marks, she was gone. Jodie the woman, Jodie the friend. That's who I wanted to be.

Remus and I chatted and it made the short walk shorter, he asked me alot of questions about Tonks and having spent the day with her I was able to answer most of them. We stared in to the dark shop front, opening hours had long since ended and Ollivander would probably be snoozing in his armchair upstairs. I looked ahead and saw Tonks hadn't stopped.

"Tonks!" I called out and she turned around, "You over shot it a bit." I gestured to the shop and she made her way back over. I pulled my keys from my pocket and frowned up at Ollivanders dark windows.

"Would guys mind flying up?" I asked explaining quickly, "I don't want to wake Mr. Ollivander." They both shook their heads as I took the cushion from Remus and, trying to hold the chips and the furniture and not fall, I carefully rose up to the window. I sent the broom back down and Tonks bobbed into the sitting room after me. She eyed the broom before asking;

"How do you send the broom back down?" and I remembered about my unique brand of magic.

"Go and collect Remus," I told the broom and it slipped easily out of the distracted girls hand. She was staring out the window down at the ground. Watching Remus.

"How do you make Remus act differently?" I asked her and she shrugged, feigning disinterest.

"Differently how?" I turned to place the cushion back on the chair I'd summoned it from.

"Like he goes all still and pink." She smiled then,

"Are you going to warn me off?" she asked.

"Off what?" Remus and I both asked, as he set himself down on the floor and leaned the broom against the sill. There was a moments silence before Remus spoke again "This is quite a lofty place you've got here."

I noticed the two kept stealing glances at eachother as I proudly gave them a brief tour of the flat. It was obvious Tonks has noticed the werewolf's scars. She eyed the one across his jaw and the others around his fingers. Scars which looked clean enough to have been done with a blade but in some places so jagged, they could have been done with serrated metal.

"Dinner, then?" I sat on the couch in front of the coffee table where I had laid out the food. My two friends settled around me and Remus gave me a reassuring smile. Though he might not know as well as Sirius, he knew I had been a little terrified about reaching out to Tonks.

"Terribly kind of you Jodie, really." I felt my affection for him swell.

"Yeah," Tonks chimed in and I was fit to burst. I was almost too excited to eat.

"It's nothing." I beamed as I waved my wand toward the kitchen, successfully summoning three plates, forks and glasses of water. A moment later after we had begun to tear the brown bags in which the chips were wrapped there was a rustling and a crash, suddenly the large old gramophone I had been using came whistling into the room on it's squat three legged table.

"Oops." I pulled back my lips, bearing my teeth in a way that admitted to awkwardness. Remus huffed out a little laugh. Tonks was watching the two of us carefully. Constant vigilance was right.

Tonks poked a fork and jammed a steamy chip into her mouth distractedly before promptly squeaking, then in as elegantly a manor as possible, she spat it out into her hand.

"Fuck, they're hot!" she complained and took a deep draft of water. I looked away and began to fiddle with the dials on the gramophone. Remus seemed intent on blowing on one of the inferno instilling chips.

"So, how do you know each other?" Tonks directed the question at the sandy haired man.

"Dumbledore introduced us." Tonks turned to look at Lupin in surprise. He smiled a certain smile at her.

"Really?" she responded brilliantly.

"Really." The gramophone began to blare out the Blue Danube and Remus almost fell off his chair as I frantically fiddled with the knobs. I managed to lower the volume before turning to Tonks.

"I have heard this song before. Some of the kids I knew took ballroom dance." She stared at the gramophone for a moment again and Remus returned to his seat. "I was never much good, I don't like hands on my sides. It makes me laugh. Do either of you dance?" I looked hopefully at Tonks. Her hair rippled and morphed into a shy shade of please-don't-notice-me dull brown.

"Oh, I haven't danced for years." Remus marvelled at Tonks hair for a moment and had a small smile on as he shook his head at the floor. He methodically twirled his fork in his fingers.

"I bet you are a wonderful dancer Remus," Tonks spoke. The fork dropped to the ground and Remus hissed an admonishment after it. I giggled and when Tonks met my eye I tried to silently communicate that this was the type of thing I had been talking about earlier. A moment later a mischievous smile crept across my face and Tonks gave me a look that was clearly meant to say 'shutup'.

"I bet you both are! Oh, wouldn't a little dancing be lovely? You two first I think. The food needs another moment to cool anyway." I gave Remus a wide eyed glance and then raised my eyebrows at Tonks as if I had no idea what I was doing. Tonks pursed her lips as Remus chuckled nervously.

"I'm sure Nymphodora would prefer to keep her seat." Remus sighed quietly and tapped his fingers on his leg.

Tonks stood abruptly.

"I have been meaning to get a lesson." She smiled reassuringly at Remus. When he said nothing she spoke again more tentatively; "Perhaps you could show me some steps?"

There was a rattling outside the door and my eyebrows shot up as my palm hit my face.

"Mr. Ollivander!" I cried. "The music will have woken him!" I ran to the door and fumbled with the latch for a moment before stepping into the hallway. Ollivander stood a little ways down the corridor, fully dressed.

"I'm so sorry Sir, did I wake you?" I asked, mortified. He met my eye and shook his headed. I felt relief flood through me. He always said what he meant, me must have been up already.

"No, my dear girl, I'm on my way to the work shop. You remember how I mentioned that collecting sap from roots to put a final protective layer on the wands before storage-"

"-is best done by moonlight, of course." I sighed with relief before hesitating, as his apprentice I should really offer to help but I was hesitant to leave my friends.

"You should attend to your guests," Ollivander answered my unasked question kindly and I smiled.

"Thankyou sir, goodnight." I was relieved, we had never discussed whether it was okay for me to have people over. Particularly at night. I turned to reenter the room before having a rare moment of consideration. I thought about the state I left the pair in and forced myself to remain outside the door until the end of the first song and the second.

Before the third could begin I made a pointed gesture of fiddling with the latch loudly so that the pair inside would hear me coming. As I opened the door it was evident my efforts were for nought, as Remus was holding Tonks in a low dip like she was Grace Kelly, and he was kissing her.


	18. Dark

Chapter 18

Dark

After catching Tonks and Remus kissing, I thought of little else. Which was probably a good thing because it was all either of them spoke about. Remus kept asking me if I was 'sure she was just seventeen' and then tugged at his hair everytime I said yes. Tonks was less stressed out, but we did discuss the age issue now and then. She would just shrug, saying they're both adults.

I tried to apply this logic to myself and Sirius, then I would try and force myself to stop comparing us to Remus and 'Dora' as he called her. Remus thought he had it bad, half dating the teenage auror in training. If they couldn't work it out... but of course there was nothing to be worked out between me and Sirius. I lay sprawled across a chair I had summoned into the vault. It was almost September and Ollivander had me run off my feet. September was on it's way and not a wand in the shop was to be out of place. Apparently there were some very important kids starting in Hogwarts this year, my cousin included.

"They're still sort of seeing eachother," I remarked and Sirius snorted.

"Do they still do that thing where they say it's over and then kiss whenever you leave the room?"

I laughed. "Once Lewis kissed her when she was in the middle of breaking things off." He laughed "Now she tries to break it off whenever they have any sort of disagreement in the hopes it will happen again."

"Do you have your eye on anyone?" he asked as he often did. I tried to think of a good way to respond, glad he couldn't see my face.

"You know the answer to that Sirius," I said finally. "I'm saving myself for my funeral"

"Don't say that," he chastised. "I'm trying to live vicariously through you."

I spoke quickly before my nerve could fail me. "You know Lewis and Tonks are the same ages as us." It wasn't a question. "What do you think it would have been like if we had really met?"

"We probably would have forgotten about it the next day. We're kind of forced together here. It's different."

"But you don't mind?" There was a moments silence.

"No," he spoke eventually,

"You like me?" My face was pink all over now and I gulped nervously.

"Jude..." he spoke slowly, choosing his words. "You're my friend."

"Do you ever think what it would be like if we could stand face to face? What you might say differently? Do differently?" he replied in a tone that told me I had tested his patience.

"Drop it." I was stung. I tried not to think about how much I had been banking on this moment. "Look I'm in here, you're out there. There's nothing to discuss."

"But how do you think it would feel? If we were together?"

"Together?" he asked and I cleared my throat.

"Yes." My voice was small.

"Don't ask me that again." Was all he said. I felt tears prickling the back of my eyes.

"But Sirius-"

"Don't!" he demanded harshly and I put my hands over my ears as his voice echoed off the walls. I had rarely felt so rejected.

"Fine, forget it," I responded weakly as I made my way toward the door and the tears that glossed over my eyes spilled down my cheeks.

"Are you leaving?" he asked.

"Yes." I thought he might call me back.

"Goodbye then."

* * *

 

I wasn't like Tonks, when Sirius told me to quit, I was too proud to pursue it. Foolish pride. Approaching September it was impossible to return to set the record straight, I had thrown myself into my hefty work load, and knowing Lucius was coming to the shop made me even less motivated to approach the door. I stayed in the back sorting the boxes, I was good enough now to make some repairs.

Once things were quieter I made small excuses to myself, 'not today I'm tired', 'Oh but I'm meeting Tonks.', 'Just one more chapter of this book, maybe then'. I made the journey a few times but I always make a point of spying Remus and talking with him and helping with the stall until the bank closed. Before I knew it weeks turned to months, but despite how much I missed him, I let the time pass between us. Pushing him further away.

I told myself that I had to focus on work. Ollivander wanted me to start making wands on my own soon. Not to be sold. Just for practice. I really did think I was getting better with the wands. I truly understood them. Some embraced me, some tolerated me. All of them heard me. But it wasn't about work. It was just that the longer I stayed away from Sirius the more ashamed I was. I had been so petty. He had never said it but I was sure my company helped him feel a little more alive in that godforsaken place. Had I not told him 'you don't forget your friends'?

I knew how hard Winter was for him but I thought, perhaps after so long apart, the shock to the system my return would be would be too hard on him. That was one of my weakest excuses but I let it abide until one evening Tonks crashed clumsily into my flat which I stroked my ugly owl, who I had named Ringo. It was just after Halloween, Christmas lights swung merrily, albeit prematurely, outside, batted about on their ropes by the wind. Tonks flung herself into my arms. Her cheery red hair flecked with snow.

"Oh Jodie, you won't believe it." I blinked uselessly. She beamed at me and I smiled back a little dazedly. Ringo squawked disapprovingly. Ruffling his feather he flew across the room to his perch in the kitchen.

"Tell me!" I demanded,

"He said he loves me, in love with me. Me!" She looked ready to burst and I felt genuine relief at the news and grinned back, hugging my friend.

"At last!" I cried. We spent most of the short Winter day chattering excitedly before Tonks asked;

"So how about you? Do you have your eye on anyone?" My gut twisted and I let out a shaky laugh. The question rang in my head after she had left to find Remus at the end of his shift and probably kiss him silly.

Suddenly my mind was whirring, after so much time trying to convince myself that there was barely even a friendship between Sirius and I, I was suddenly sick with desire to speak with him. I stared at the window and tried to think. I called for Ringo and he fluttered down onto the arm rest beside me. I flung out my arm and my broom slapped into my grip. my wand summoned the piece of paper I had collected on my last day in the orphanage, the one with his name on it and I stood.

I remembered how they blocked out the stars. How had I let it go on for so long?

I had never thought of myself as the sort of person to disregard rules. Mostly because I had never really made a habit of comparing myself to anyone else before but as I met more and more people I couldn't help but wonder if this whole being different thing was good. Pink Floyd had a point, there were a lot of bricks in the wall. Why would I want to join them? I mean, I wasn't going to be one of them. I poo on your wall society! Haha!

My breathing was a little erratic. I couldn't apologize to him in the vault, it wasn't good enough. A voice off somewhere in the corner of my mind whispered 'you can't be serious' but I was. I had to see him, I had to tell him how I felt, that I cared. If I truly cared I would trust him enough to do this. He had never threatened me… I was the one who had treated him poorly. I tied the piece of paper to Ringo's leg with a thread pulled from the hem of my goofy socks. I was going to make it up to him. I opened the window and nodded at the bird.

"Take me to him," I pleaded, not stopping to reflect, to think. As I watched the owl swoop out the window, I sped after him on my broom. I couldn't help but think that I was acting insane. I mean, this was just out of order. The owl and I tore through the sky. I just couldn't leave Sirius in prison any longer. Excuse my naivety but aren't we supposed to send the bad guys to jail?

Hello Lucius Malfoy! I looked down at the long shadowed sight of London city and I decided that Sirius Black was innocent. I believed him, I always had.

Why? Firstly because he told me so, secondly because he liked the Beatles, and thirdly because Lucius Malfoys high level influence in wizarding society made me skeptical toward wizarding societies ability to judge who ought to be behind bars and in front of them.

I thought to myself as time wore on, that if I felt like killing some "muggles" I would probably stitch up someone from a family like mine, someone like Black. He hadn't spoken much about his family but it hadn't taken much digging to discover that Sirius and I were related by marriage. My Uncle's wife was Sirius's cousin.

The country side rolled out below me and Ringo. I felt like I was watching the telly as I observed the odd country houses spotted about in the wide expanse of green grass and some low clouds catching the winter light. It was like something Turner would paint. I reached my hand out to brush it through a wisp of cloud and the icy air hit my hand like a shock. I retracted my hand quickly. I'd forgotten about the limitations of the brooms warming charm.

After what felt like a windswept eternity I began to get nervous. Ringo had started to lead me out over the sea and I was trying to not think of the nightmares I used to have about the bird man of Alcatraz.

Suddenly I felt very cold. It wasn't the sort of cold like I would expect even from outside of the broom's bubble, this was something that started in your middle. It had been like a knot, nothing new there, but then it had frozen solid and had reached out with greasy tar like tentacles to fill every organ in my middle with ice. Pulling my veins out from my arms by there ends. Leaving a slippery keening pain in my limbs.

Then my heart, the ice made its way into my heart and my head. It peeled right in like a knife. The dark, blackened ice was like a fighting contrast to the warmth I had become so accustomed to. The light, yellowed fire that lived in my belly like a crouching tiger, cornered, nervous, poised to attack. Then I thought about it, the light in my middle. My wand flew into my hand and I gripped it tight as the owl flew on. The ocean was in turmoil below me and as thunder sounded above my head, I did something I still wish I hadn't; before that moment I had felt that the darkness was something I could be rid of but then I looked up. I knew then that the darkness existed independently of what I felt; that the light in me, the purest source of wonder and the only good thing about me; that that light had an enemy.

The sky writhed like one hundred thousand reaching hands covered in ash. It was perhaps, the blackest darkness and as my eyes adjusted to it I saw no depth, bottomless.

The sky had gone out, just like he said, he, him. Sirius. I had left Sirius here, I thought in despair. Down near me there was tattered materiel warped to surround masses of long limbed very thin dying creatures. I knew they were dying, the death rattle, I heard it escape from behind the hoods of the many cold and floating demons.

Then they descended. Black on black on black on black on black for Black.

Suddenly a rotting and long fingered hand constricted around my right arm and I heard its rattle once more. Due to the hood of the creature, I was only able to see the blunted outlines of the creatures features, they were simple enough to distinguish. There were no featured. Only a rattling hole. My lungs constricted, my brow furrowed and I squeezed my eyes tight shut. Dementors. I knew how to fight them off but no one had explained how hard it would be. That they would swarm like bees.

I felt a tug and, like the turning of a tap, I felt the weight of every moment I had ever spent alone begin to fill me and stretch my skin out from the bottom up. They no longer seemed like a host of normal memories, filled with contented contemplation of which humdrum activity to fill the day with. Those memories which brought me the comfort of familiarity were now scary and miserable. Days spent alone, each one a scar of the loveless child hood I continued to deny. The empty, lonely, death rattle of a life I hadn't even bothered to lead. Then Dumbledore, but every time I thought about him or Remus or sunlight I felt like those things were irretrievable falsities. I felt like I would survive, but that hope would die. I would have preferred to die with it.

I realised, as my life played out like a vignette of terrible things that happened because of me and showed why all I would ever be was a terrible thing. I heard a noise besides the dying demons.

It was that nerve scraping, teeth grinding keen that I had become increasingly familiar with. That hopeless desperate screaming that made you want to reach out and give anything you had to make it stop. To save whoever could feel that much despair from going on as they were. Then I realised that the sound, the dreadful pained sound was coming from me. I was screaming, eyes shut, head splitting the light in my middle felt like it was shifting and shrinking and trying to get out with the scream. As if seduced by the rattle but then my wand called it back, brought it back to where it should have been. Because if hope is lost then it is lost and if my life was lost then I would have been lost but if courage is lost, then all is lost.

"Please?!" I screamed hysterically. I never thought I would cry that way but suddenly the tar on my insides upchucked because I thought wonderfully of someone answering me. Someone who I had never even met but who I had to believe I was strong enough to save.

"Mercy." I sobbed. I reached into my heart as I usually did to summon forth the raven but there was nothing. Until there was, a ray of hope, that I might pull another for this night. That this would all be worth it. I summoned my wand into my hand and opened my eyes and saw only light. There was no owl, there was no black shrouded putrefaction of all that was sacrosanct. There was only me and the ash wand and the stately white raven. I could breathe, I could feel, I could remember but I could not forget. Couldn't forget how for those never ending moments my life had felt like a waste. I no longer cared if what I was doing the right thing. I wasn't going to go home and pretend I didn't believe in doing something I almost died for, something I almost lost the light to. Pretend that I didn't believe in him? Never again.

Then I saw something beyond and as a silence descended and the raven threw great bolts of silvery smoke out over the ocean I saw a great looming stone citadel. The fortress was black as coal. In the glow from my precious raven's sanctuary, I could see the Ringo frozen in flight. Making big slow motion sweeping movements of the wing but making no further progress to a gaping hole, crudely barred.

I took a deep breath and tried to focus on the heat surrounding me. I would meet him. The innocent murderer, a man who cried. Remus's enemy, this was his flowerless window box. This was his cold disparaged demented life and I was his charge. It made a great lot of sense really.

A large white hand appeared out from in between the bars and as it touched the owl the still slowly flapping bird began to shoot back at great sped. I took less than a second for the creature to shoot out of reach. Over the horizon and out of sight. My face dropped as I watched my poor bird shoot through space at the mercy of some defensive spell. I urged the broom toward the window and stopped several feet away from the precipice. I urged the broom forward and allowed myself to shift forwards into the range of the charm. The charm made my heart slow down in my chest, it made my breath still.

Everything was very slow, it was hard to explain, hard to even think about. I knew he was there. When I tried to put my thoughts in order, to cry out. I was afraid. I felt like there were two of me living in my head and one Jodie had all the answers and the other was running after her hoping she could say them.

"Black?!" I yelled desperately into the dark cell, it had been so long since I had spoken to him. I spoke his name like a prayer. My voice came out at what felt like an accelerated rate, which made me think it was unchanged. A white slip flew out from the window and got caught on the side of my hand clutching both the wand and my broom. It was the paper with his name. I would be forever haunted by the damn name. I tried to shake it off and the slow movement of my arm caused to tip slowly into the ocean.

"Sirius Black?!" I saw, beyond the bars, a flighty movement and then his hand.

I swept my wand up, willing it to bend the bars which out wards from the spot where his hand remained. I moved forward ever so slowly to the warped space between the death rattle contaminated air to the black face of the building with my hand out stretched. My stuttering heart beat slowed further. My breath seemed to amplify around me and I felt very still. He was there in front of me. Black hair, white face and blazing grey eyes. The inside of the cell was lit and my raven flew in side. Black watched and then smiled a little as it span around the room and out behind me to keep me safe from the death in the dark.

He looked at me, frozen where I was; my hair was moving slowly around me in the enchanted space of slowing time and I knew my whited features must have appeared even eerier than usual in the harsh phosphorescent glow. He was watching my outstretched hand. He stepped forward and he held his hand just above mine. I wondered if he touched me, whether I would suffer the same fate as poor Ringo. The air around us smelt like sea salt and filth. Our eyes met and he looked at me like a question; He leaned toward me, closer then I had been used to.

"Jude?" I tried to communicate without movement or words. I was utterly frozen. "Hold on," he said. His voice was perfect, just as I remembered and I would have nodded if I could. Hell I probably would have smiled if I could. Sirius had a warm dry hand. I could feel the flaking remains of dried mud breaking apart against my own appendage for a moment and then as I looked down at the bizarre sight of my little hand wrapped around the large warm palm of Sirius Black. I felt a whoosh and then we were flying. He didn't let go, his hand was wrapped so tight around mine I thought it might break. I began to feel the slovenly disintegration of the enchantment and as we flew my raven proceeded to whoosh around us and evaporate as if it had never been there. At our preposterous speed we were already back over land.

"We need to stop," he shouted and I turned to him. "We are headed for the ministry!" I felt a sort of abstract terror. Where was the ministry? I felt panic rise in me and just nodded. I looked at Sirius's big hand around mine.

"Stop!" I demanded. And we did. Abruptly.


	19. Reckless

Chapter 19

Reckless

_Perhaps I should have thought this through a little more._

 I found myself careening toward the ground on a substandard broom with a strange man who was understood by most people to be criminally insane clutching my arm so tight I doubted it would work again. Did I mention that I was breaking the law on a whim? Well, I was doing that to, its all in good fun though, isn't it?

I could not believe I had done it. This sorceress gig really has opened up a few doors for me. Upon further reflection I realised that I may have let the whole magic thing go to my head. Perhaps I foolishly thought that magic meant nothing bad would ever happen again but all that it had meant so far was a lot of trouble. Then again most of the trouble had been brought on by my rather insalubrious decision making. (Worth it)

Alas, the primary thought on my mind as I began to fear for my life was that I had never really figured out how close to death I had been every day I had been alive. Then I was less worried about it; for breaking Black out of jail probably had better odds of wonderful outcomes then something dull like eating poorly cooked meat.

And so I had found myself on the outside of what I was used to.

Unfortunately around the same time I had come to this happy justify-your-own-insanity conclusion the broom below a certain jail bird and myself had shaken off its tail spin toward the ground. It may have seemed like good news for a moment but it became thoroughly less elating when the treacherous contraption started pulling us back in the direction we had come from.

"Oh, for fuck sake," I could hear Sirius groaning from his place half draped around the side of the broom and half clambering for purchase in the foot-holeless air space below.

"We need to get away from the broom!" I cried over the whistling wind and the convict gave me an incredulous look.

"Have you no plan?" he looked at me like I was really, really wrong and I frowned and looked over the edge of the broom at the blurred landscape below.

"I am jumping the next time I see something shiny." Black gave me a confused look and I explained in the slow, clear voice which I had always liked using for first meeting people. "Shiny means water." and then a second later I hoped that the ridiculous speed at which we were going would still allow me to land in the water as I saw it and not end up splattered terribly across a jagged rock due to a delayed reaction.

I didn't spring this kid from jail and travel cross-country twice just to get caught. I was most definitely not getting caught.

I thought he might've smiled at me as I dropped.

There was a splash and a great long moment of wondering where all the air was as I felt a long dizzy sensation stretch and pull at my brain. Lights blurred in the clear coppery lake water and I smiled under the water as I saw a large bubbly disruption of the waters surface. The man had done something right at least, he had been savvy enough to know that someone who grew up under a rock and who has read a large enough selection of novels on adventure to know when to jump ought to be followed when the time came.

My lungs began to struggle against my sealed air ways but I felt that inhaling water would be counter productive to not drowning so I made for the surface.

Familiar black dots made their way into my vision and I glared at them, or I would if the weren't outside of glaring range. Warbling of water, the stuttering of bubbles of air as they found the surface above and then _crack._

I broke the surface of the water with a roar, and lay on my back to float as I took in gaping lung full's of air. I heard sporadic splashing off somewhere to my left as dusk slipped into night. Black had survived the fall well enough to whinge about it. I heard him complaining loudly.

It would be dark very soon. I could feel the leaves of plants moving gently beneath my palm. I had never thought that that would be how it would feel to be in a space of water bigger than me.

I thought it would be turbulent around me but instead I found myself to be a great disturbance of its former tranquility as I rolled onto my side and continued to breath heavier than I had ever done before.

I could see a stony bank not far from the algae infested waters I was moving through clumsily. I new how to sample and identify thirty two different types of algae in perfect theory thanks to Mr. Ollivander and it did me no favours as I struggled through the numerous clingy, itch inducing plants.

I shook my head at my own foolhardy struggle as I began to regain logical faculties and propelled myself to the bank quickly with a flick of my wand. I sat with my legs tucked under me with my head rested on my folded arms on the ground. I felt droplets of freezing water running from my hair over my nose and shuddered under the weight of my heavy cloak as I shook violently. It wasn't as bad as the cold from the terrible black monsters at the wizarding prison, it wasn't even as bad a pain as Malfoy's more crude assault so long ago. I suppressed an outcry as I pulled my head up and lifted my arm high to point my wand over the water. We had reached the blue hour.

"Black!" I shouted out to the wand and there was a whistle of wind as the man came flying out of the water, landing heavily beside me, my voice echoed back to me. He rolled on his side to cough loudly, he made a great show of writhing about like a drowning fish and I rolled my eyes before standing.

"Oh don't be so dramatic! You're fine." I huffed over my new cloak, it had taken on a horrible layer of grime which I flicked my wand at. The water and gunk from my clothing sifted into the air in front of me to form a ball and I frowned at it, how charming, it flew into the lake with a splish.

As an after thought I extended the favour to the convict beside me. How had I ever done without my wand? I turned to Black, he was clearly attempting to throw things at me from the ground using only the power of his mind.

"Bloody" - insert gushy over dramatic breath - "woman." I laughed at his admonishment and shook my head. Maybe I needed to cut him more slack, who knows how long he had spent in that place, with those monsters.

I bit into my lips and sat on the ground beside him, I began to twist my hair into a wet braid as I rested next to the shaggy man. I felt something nudge my foot and saw that it was the strange mans hand, I really didn't know what he had been complaining about because his hand felt exceptionally warm to me. My eyes made a point of looking at his hand touching my stumpy boot and my brain wondered how heat from his appendage (that should have been ice cold) was travelling from where he barely touched my thick leather boot and radiating right up my blanketed leg. He really did just let out great waves of balmy temperature, it was quite probably the loveliest sort of feeling. I didn't really know what to think of it.

"You didn't forget." I flicked my eyes to his face, quite startled considering what I had just done. I had thought I heard him say it but as I watched him his eyes were shut and his skin like chalk. He was breathing very deeply and I thought he must be sleeping.

I sank to the ground, very carefully assuring not to disturb Blacks hand. It was like a heater.

I sat beside him while the moon went up and the sun went down.

Surely if they retrace the trajectory of the getaway broom; which must have reached Blacks breached cell by that stage. They would know that the bank was a likely place for us to have landed. I couldn't break him out of prison just to get him caught again, not to mention they would probably throw me in as well, Dumbledore would be disappointed, so would Remus, Sirius Black was his enemy. He had said so.

I sighed deeply and looked down at Blacks sad, long, underfed body. I could not send him back.

I observed that he had shaggy lengths of black hair and wore a black and white get up which appeared freshly laundered after my lake water removing spell.

I still puzzled over how different men looked to women, I had not seen many men up close. I quite liked how Black looked. I took his hand from my shoe and held it in mine again.

When I had seen our hands together before I had found it so… distracting. There was something about the way it looked, my heart hurt a little for the sake of me missing that something. The way his hand looked around mine wasn't all that simple, I just knew there was more to it. I scoffed and dropped his hand down on his slow moving chest. My mind was being foolish. He didn't react.

"Remember, to let her into your heart," I sniffed under the cold as I sang the familiar words. I wrapped my arms around my chilling body. "Then you can start, to make it better."

I felt a tear run down my cheek and I turned away from Sirius to find the clouded sky.

"Hey Jude, don't be afraid." My voice failed me then, a small, bizarre strangled noise cloyed its way from the back of my throat and attempted to give way to hysterics. Don't be afraid, I told myself.

"Hey Jude," I whispered out over the lake; "don't let me down"

My body felt terrible. I felt terrible. I lay down on the flat of my back. At least I hadn't let Sirius down, even if I hadn't found the girl I was supposed to save I felt like there was something else missing that was within my grasp.

Sirius Black was a puzzle piece in this damned chaos I had made for myself and I had him.

I stood up again and jumped up and down a little on the spot as if trying to shake away the shackles of my own over bearing emotional and physical pressures. I could push more, I would have too.

I looked at Sirius on the pebble strewn ground. A high winters night had fallen and I was thankful that the winter was not bitter enough to freeze the wide lake.

"I am not going to make it to work tomorrow." I thought aloud to myself and shook my head, disappointed. "What a shambles." My wand began to send little silvering bolts through my body and I felt as if I was being pulled together. I pointed my wand toward the sleeping man on the ground and decided that he had enough beauty sleep for one night of absolutely fatal importance.

There really was absolutely no way I was going to allow myself to be caught, I thought again as a great streak of orange shot from my wand and I smiled. Absolutely no way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thankyou for reading and thankyou for everything else.


	20. Pop

Chapter 20

Pop

"Five more minutes Lupin..." I heard him mutter from the ground and I shook my head. It might have been funny if there wasn't the beginnings of a tundra wind blowing across the valley. There was a cracking as the lake beside us began to turn over into ice at an unnatural speed.

The Dementors.

"You can't have him," I whispered aloud as I firmed my footing. "Come on Black!" My voice was scratchy but loud. I could see my breath escaping my mouth in a great puffs as the convict at my feet took in his own rattling breath before flying upright. I knelt beside him and wiped a stray tear from my face covertly.

"We need to get out of here!" I spoke into his ear as the first of the sweeping, rotting monsters swarmed down over the lake. "We must not be found."

Sirius turned to look at me and nodded hurriedly, his face paler then any I had seen, his eyes sharper then shard of glass. I realised in that moment that I wasn't there because I was upset at how unjustly he had been treated or because I suffered from half mad latent need to rebel against what I had been taught, this was not about getting the world back for making no sense by acting in ways that made no sense. I was here because there was something more to Sirius that I couldn't reach in the vault and I had never wanted to know anything so desperately as I wanted to understand what that something was.

"Can you apparate?" I asked him; but he just stared at me confusedly. I felt a sincere sense of panic until thankfully my wand pulled my arm toward him and the ash spear sat wedged between my steadfast left hand and the tremulous mans forearm. I stared at our linked limbs for a moment and then met his eye as the wand pulled through to the light within me and I could sense another sort of magic just beyond the thin wall of my wands end. I felt afraid, I was trying to do traditional magic. Something I rarely succeeded in, and I then felt a violent pull and gripped him tighter as the horrific sensation of being pressed out of existence in one place and spat out somewhere else for the second time made me sick. When I opened my eyes I was in the bathtub in my flat, draped unceremoniously across my once friend, Sirius Black.

"Ah," I managed, as I avoided Sirius's shale eyes for a reason I wasn't quite sure of; a sound not unlike a laugh escaped me. "Home sweet home." I winced as I moved slightly and looked confusedly down at my burning arm.

It seemed to be missing quite bit of mass as a long, red and bleeding laceration shocked out in the greying light of the empty, monotonic room. The scene held every shade from black to white which was disrupted by the violent, gushing, candid scarlet life-giving elixir wasting itself out onto the porcelain bath. A momentary flash of fear gripped me before I sleepily gave way to an unfamiliar abstract detachment.

Detached, like I was an onlooker who watched, quite fascinated; as Black noticed the silvery haired girls mangled appendage, he cursed insensibly, he began to shake his head foolishly while chanting "No" repetitively, as if that was going to help anyone.

I moved through my body and it felt unfamiliar and strained.

"As long as you are Sirius Black, you stay in this room, until I get back." I warned in a hoarse croak, barely above a whisper. I pulled myself up with my right hand, shakily shifting off of the oddly compelling wizard. He seemed frozen in place but as my body teetered through the distinct haze and I landed heavily on the dark, hard tiled floor beside the tub he began to shift frenziedly. By the time he was done slipping on my blood in the bath tub I was upright once more and I administered further loose, clumsy control on my body.

"Don't leave this room," repeated as his hands moved to my shoulder. I didn't know what he intended to do but his hands retracted quickly as if shocked as I used the light to force him away.

Then I was in the darkened hall of my flat, stumbling. The world adhered to my movements as I forced the light out of each item in my environment. The door holding Black in slammed behind me, doors ahead opened, a fire began in the hearth and swaths of materiel pulled them selves from the curtains of the nearest window and began to cling to the angry, emptying flesh on my arm tightly.

I remember a more involved part of my brain making some sort of remark on how there seemed to be a lot of blood on the floor around me. I agreed. There was a lot of blood staining the floor and furniture of the once bright and yellowed room. The flames of the fire made it feel like a bloodied, lonely, foolish hell.

I felt fear again, I looked at the table across the room and spotted my effects, the ring, the mysterious box and an old mouldering bowl of soup. When had I last eaten? I mused quietly but then shrugged as it was common knowledge that I maintained a staple diet of outdated conservatively censored articles from The New York Times and woebegone poetry that I barely understood on a day to day basis anyway.

There were so many of me in that moment, feeling the pain, feeling the fear, fighting it out and giving it up, barely even caring. More than anything I was Jodie, Jodie who just wanted to find a way to not die.

I cried out for it, for anything. The box on the table flew into my hand and I opened it to reveal some strange vials of coloured powders and elixirs I had taken from Sirius's vault. I suppose I could chalk my next decision up to desperation, it was the sort of thing someone on the brink of ending would do, and that was where I was. I stumbled to the table, barely aware of my hoarse hyperventilating sobs, the banging of Blacks fists against the door of the grey room down the hall failed to truly register.

I took the vials from their place in the dusty old box and poured them into the tomato stained bowl. I fell back into the chair beside the table. I had fully expected to find my sagging body scattered across the floor. I lifted the bowl in my shaking red hands and tipped my head back extravagantly, my hair stuck to my face with my own drying blood, my lips chapped, my throat burning. I could no longer feel my lacerated left arm. I began to drink the thick concoction. Begging for something to happen, for anything to happen. Tears began to run down my face as I felt my mind receive a brief flash of congruent clarity. _Please._

The bowl fell from my violently shaking hands and shattered across the floor. I was feeling tired despite the uncontrollable beating of my heart as it tried to beat its way out from behind my quivering, rubbery rib cage.

I saw myself reflected in the mirror to the right of the door in my home. Draped across the chair, my wand tucked between the bandages securing the blood in my mangled arm, my hair was run through with blood. My eyes oddly sharp through the mist in my peripheral vision. I sat, shaking and weak, unable to move in the rickety wooden chair.

The girl in the mirror was stronger though. She stood from her chair, betraying the logic understood by everyone outside of the mirror with me, but finally doing something I knew she could. This girl wouldn't drown like the rest. She wouldn't fade into the background of the mirror when I closed my eyes.

I felt a cloying anxiety a moment later. The broken and bloodied girl approached the mirrors surface. I couldn't help but feel that I would rather any Jodie from the mirror find a way to get out rather than this one. Any Jodie be saved from drowning bar her, because she didn't look like any airy nymph. She looked like hell. She appraised me staunchly and I thought for a moment that her side of the mirror didn't look like light would reach it.

When I try and think of when I had fallen asleep I have trouble, finding the exact moment you loose consciousness is like timing the end of a bout of hiccups, it is almost an untraceable moment in time. What I do remember however, as my blood began to trill and I felt cold and warm and in pain and blissful and dizzy and deaf, I saw her hammering her hand against the mirror, her corrupted, twisted, torn right hand.

 **Bang** , and its surface shook as her brow furrowed in a familiar gesture, although I wasn't sure quite where I had seen it before. **Bang** and I heard a whimper escape me as her eyes flittered toward me disinterestedly. **Bang, Bang** and fear and black.

Then as if no time had passed a shy warmth stabbed through my eye lids, the sun was halfway up and I was still alive.


	21. Cheshire Grin

Chapter 21

Cheshire Grin

"Juniper!" I heard myself hiss. **Bang** , **Bang**. "Juniper?!" I called again from the other side of the room, sounding thoroughly displeased. "For fuck sake Juniper would you ever wake up and get off the ground and stop acting like a big baby?!" I went on furiously, frowning at the cruel sunlight's merciless attack on my poor sensitive eyes, I took in the view. I quickly recognised the water marked and recently smoke damaged ceiling of my home.

"To quote Sirius Black." These words escaped my own mouth in a hoarse tone. "Five more minutes." I grimaced and rolled over to lie flat on my belly, face down on the floor. I felt cracked, a long, broad vowel leaked from my dry mouth as a tremor ran through me, I took in a long breath.

"uuuh…" I was really in no mood to deal with… well anything.

The slow return to reality experienced on the floor of what I took a moment to realise was my flat was monstrous. I was becoming quite accustomed to the idea of being dead but, alas.

"Okay," I cracked. I hauled myself upright. Lying down really wasn't getting me anywhere, not to mention that this was the morning that the escape of Black would probably hit the headlines.

I grabbed the edge of the table with my poorly bandaged left hand and did a double take. My wrist was covered in dry, cracked old blood, but it was working fine. The murderous edges of the wound had faded. I managed to clamber into the rickety, blood-stained chair. I tore the bandage from my arm and marveled. The previously gaping laceration had crudely sealed with a layer of tough, translucent skin. It felt tight when I moved, and was smooth to the touch. It was totally transparent, the anatomy beneath was grotesquely visible. It's not that I'm especially vain, but it would've been nice if that had not happened.

"Euww," my voice blurted from the other side of my room. Oh no. I span to look at what really ought to have been a Jodie sitting in the same chair I was, looking bewildered, instead the insolent mirror-girl had her face pressed up to the opposite side of the glass and was gawking at my arm.

 I fell off my chair and did some shrieking like a banshee on acid. A few incoherent words found themselves babbling out of my mouth. The girl watched me for a moment and then rolled her eyes.

"Stop being such a twat Juniper!" the mirror girl called out in a weird sort of tone to hear in my own voice. "Pull yourself together woman, you don't see me gulping down every box of God knows what I can find and then taking naps in the middle of the floor! I swear to Grim, you've done it now." I nodded stiffly and shutup.

I flew up onto my feet. I paused and looked at myself planted on the ground, feeling like I had missed the beat that had brought me up there. I addressed my obnoxious reflection.

"What is happening?" I asked myself, or rather, my other self.

"Have you ever heard of a total psychotic break?" she asked. I looked down at my mutilated arm before shrugging and moving it to run through my hair. My hair was still thoroughly matted with blood. I settled for crossing my arms and then nodded coolly.

"Yeah, I have." I jutted my chin up to myself and really wished I could have practiced in the mirror before hand. No longer an option, I would just have to hope that I didn't look like a deluded young woman attempting a botched Popeye impression.

"Well if anyone tries to tell you that what is happening they don't know what they are talking about." the other me had her jaw set, she removed her forehead from its original place pressed across the mirror and continued to address me with her bizarre white eyes, blood strewn hair and lacerated limbs. We were quite a sight.

"You ever hear of balance?" the other me asked.

"Have I ever heard of balance?" I repeated back slowly in a tone that implied the preposterousness of the question.

"Well when something or someone tips the scale sometimes it can take a while for things to…" the girl jolted, her eyes fixed on a place behind me. Her mouth gaped and she began to tremble. I wanted to turn back to see what horrific sight approached at my back, beginning to quiver myself as a great unsettled feeling passed over me.

Bumps raised on my arms as I felt my hair displaced by a puff of cold air. I whimpered quietly, my veins burned and for the first time since waking up I noticed the absence of my wand. I turned myself quickly on my heel to face whatever threat I may be defenceless to ward off but who I refused to allow to sucker punch me.

My apartment was empty, the large circular window on the centre of the wall opposite still partially open, the Winter sun shining in, reflecting the gruesome and bloody reminder of what had happened. I saw nothing but then, a slow, cricketing old sort of reaping chill. It felt like a hand reaching into my gut and stretching my entrails into two ends. The cold, clinically moving hands began to tie a slow purposeful knot and I cried out. I closed my eyes tight shut and as I did my view was very different.

A Cheshire grin on a red eyed face surrounded by a room full of smoke. Looking down I saw charcoal like hands reaching into my leaking stomach. The blood which covered the hand as they removed themselves from there previous work of binding my insides was shining and white. My eyes, searching behind my eye lids flew back to the shining red beads ahead of me and saw fury. The cracking hands ran up and through my hair.

My eyes flew open and I was greeted once again with my sun-filled apartment but I could feel the grating shivering touch of the black hands scraping over my scalp. I closed my eyes to be only blind, I saw nothing more. When I turned back to my other self in the following instant I saw my own terrified face exactly as it was.

"What…?" but the other girls mouth moved with me and even as I began to pound the glass and call my own name the only sight was the silent moving mouth in synch with my own and a slowly tenderising mutilated hand following my own movements to a tee.

I cradled my unnaturally healed hand to my chest and began to cry. Surely that had been it, my chance, the girl, my only constant in life; I had to find her again.

"Jude?" I asked the crying girl in the mirror and she said it with me. I craned my neck to look around her but then I just met her eyes again.

"She isn't here." We told each other and I felt a thrum by my heart as my organs began to readjust into their preferred state. I placed my hand over my belly gently and sighed. My wand shot from its place by my heart, down my sleeve into my hand. The light in my middle was coaxed to shine a little brighter by the wand. I turned it over in my hideous, monstrous appendage and shrugged.

"Life goes on," I muttered and glanced over at the clock. It was just turning over to eight, only an hour till work and I needed to shower. I had to delay Ollivander finding out if I could.


	22. Indian Summer

Chapter 22

Indian Summer

The flaking, blue box and shattered vials lay scattered across the floor beneath the table behind me. Rubbing my finger in little circles on my temples I shifted and bent to pull the box from the floor before deciding that cleaning my flat at that particular moment was probably a lost cause. The molds in which the vials had been stored were then shifted showed some sort of writing in smudgy ink behind.

"Oh great," I muttered, and tore out the lining of the box unceremoniously, quite done with the sentimental care of items of mystery. I couldn't spend my whole life hoarding decorative mouldering cardboard boxes.

The writing below was a list of what I had so wisely digested, really well thought out plan. I had taken something with sleep in the name that I assume makes you sleep, probably why I was drowsy. I had taken something called pepper up, once again its all in the name. Something I couldn't quite make sense of, I had taken three "bezoars" and a vial that had just been labelled: 'boil for what ails you'. I crumpled the list into a ball and threw it on the floor. I sniffed.

I was alive, and although a mirror demon had somehow stopped me talking to mirror-Jodie who was probably a hallucination. What real difference would it make now?

"What's done is done," I told myself in the mirror, wondering if she could still hear me or if she had ever heard me. Speaking of things that can't be undone or ignored.

If I was going to live, I may as well deal with the consequences of my actions.

He was not an easy man to deal with, and not just because he could get me arrested if he was discovered. I pulled down the sleeve of the leaf-green dress I was wearing to carefully hide the sick joke of an anatomy lesson my left arm had become. I approached the door of the room with the bath in it. I wrinkled my nose at it apprehensively, the handle was stained with blood from where I had attempted to pull it shut before just sealing it with my wand the night before.

I put my hand to the cool wood, and then my ear. It was quiet inside, but he must be in there. I slid down to the ground, I had no fire left. The night before had been some wild anomaly, but it was too late to give him back. He should never have taken my hand. I knocked.

"Oh, she knocks," he said, and I bit my lip. "You may as well come in then."

"Are you okay?" I asked. I tried to imagine I hadn't done anything, and that everything was still our completely upside down version of normal.

"I'm alright Jude, I'm glad you came back."

"Which time?" I asked, tugging again at my sleeve. He paused for a moment.

"This time, you were pretty badly splinched. Have you seen a Healer?"

I tried to push back all the emotions I was feeling, it was nice that he was playing along, but who was I feeling. "What about the other time, yesterday. How do you feel about that?"

He sighed, I was so used to the way it magically filled the vault, his voice seemed so small now. Contained within him. "I feel like you probably should've told me first."

"I didn't know," I confessed.

"I imagine you still don't," he said, because he sort of knew me.

"The Winter is so long, I couldn't see you face another. Nothing could've been harder, I won't regret this."

"I don't know who you're trying to convince, but I guarantee you, you will regret this. You shouldn't have rushed in like that, you could've talked to me."

"I couldn't leave you, you're my friend." I put a second hand against the door.

"Am I? Could've fooled me."

"Don't be a brat, Sirius," I chided.

"You're really her, you. Jude, Open the door," he ordered. I was doing this. I'd already done it.

I sighed and stood. I flicked my wand and the door swung outward, Sirius must have been sitting with his back against the door, because he toppled back into the hallway. He looked up at me from his place laying on his back on the floor.

"It is you, isn't it?" he asked. I pressed my mouth tight together, and stepped over him. I made my way toward the lone-standing bath. I began to run the water, cleaning out the remnants of mud and blood from the night before. I tugged off my cloak and threw it in a heap in the corner. I pulled the plug in the bath, it drained quickly. I rearranged my quivering lips quickly and turned to look at Black over my shoulder.

"Of course it's me," I said. I even tried to smile. "I'm sorry I've ruined things, I just missed you, and I couldn't stand to think of you out there. It's even worse than I imagined. Why didn't you ever say?"

"I had a feeling if I told you, you would end up doing something stupid like this."

"It wasn't stupid, it took alot of powerful magic."

"It was stupid, no two ways about it. Look at yourself. You're covered in blood," he said, his eye fixed the portions of my once green dress.

"I have to go to work soon," I said, because it seemed like a grownup thing to say, and I felt like a child. "Are you hungry?"

He was standing now, I wanted to keep looking at him but I didn't.

I began to fill the now moderately clean tub with fresh water and run my hair beneath the flowing tap. The water was cold but I felt flushed anyway due to Mr. Hotter-Than-The-Centre-Of-The-Earth's eyes on my aching back. The water level creeped higher in the tub. I watched little red rivulets spread from the end of my matted hair into the water. I focussed on Black's shifting figure in the corner of my eye, until he moved to eye level on the opposite side of the bath tub. I wanted simultaneously to talk with him and to wish him away.

I shook my head and pulled my wand from my sleeve. I pointed at Black and watched his frowning mouth.

"Don't lie," I demanded, as I took in his face I couldn't decipher his expression, it was unfamiliar. I looked away, feeling like I had to, but instantly regretted it as I caught sight of blood staining his shirt. I hoped it was all mine. I could see his eyes flickering to my arm and I was thankful that the unnatural wound was shielded from view.

He nodded slowly and I kept my wand trained on him as I asked with conviction: "You're innocent?" Our eyes argued and I guess I won when I pulled the answer from his mouth with a blue smoking light.

"Not if I had my way," he rasped. I decided that I would forever keep it a secret how wonderfully odd his voice made me feel.

"but you are?" I kept the urgency from my voice, barely. He narrowed his eyes at me and gritted his teeth as he leaned closer over the tub. My hand clung tightly to the ash wand. The blue smoke was once again inhaled by Black to his visible alarm.

"Yes."

"and you are Sirius Black?" I said for verifications sake and to hear his voice a little more. He looked at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking; but I doubt he did.

"In the flesh."

"Will you harm me?" I pressed. We maintained strenuous eye contact from our places on either side of the tub in which my overly long silver hair remained partially immersed.

"If I have to." He looked sombre.

"Do you want too?" I felt my relief recede and I felt nauseous anxiety climbing but he sniffed.

"I obviously don't want to." He rolled his eyes and I felt a moments relief for breaking away from the storm of his eyes. I wasn't used to it and I was very warm.

I wanted to ask why but I didn't. I could maintain my fantasy of him being inwardly gentile if I wanted.

I lowered my wand and he pressed his hand over his mouth as I stood, heaving a sigh.

"I need you to check me over. I splinched myself, but I don't know how badly." His eyes moved to my arm again.

"Okay," he replied. I began to pull at the ties on the back of the dress before throwing it to the side of the room to join the cloak. I dipped my gored arm into the bath to clean off the blood. I blushed a little under Blacks scrutiny, he looked a little surprised but I suppose the wound wasn't exactly run of the mill. I attempted to hide my arm from sight but in the process I caught site of a similar wound tearing along the side of my rib cage for the first time. I saw the muscles connecting my ribs to one another in the four inch long, broad laceration, coated in the same tough, translucent sort of skin. I humphed at it, and then turned to face Black with an emphatic look. He hadn't moved at all. I scooped water from the bath with my hand and rubbed it down my side.

"How gross is that?" I pointed to the very gross window into my insides. He didn't look to green in the gills.

"How did you heal that way?" He asked, seemingly finding his voice which I was, for the record, completely indifferent to (but strictly off the record I was loving it). I shrugged.

"Substance abuse?" I blurted, thinking of the now empty (and for the better part destroyed) vials on the floor in the next room. But then I felt much better all round because he laughed, I felt a little less deformed, and it was like his laugh reminded me of the light. Free and good.

I looked down at my poorly fitted peachy satin knickers covering my mottled body. The water was tinted pink. I tried to imagine things to be just a little different, my limbs like they were and Sirius Black famously innocent. I heard him shift and when I opened my eyes his back was rested to the tub.

"You should just get in," he told the wall opposite and I thought it odd but nodded. Sliding in to the warm water.

"Do you think it'll heal" I asked and then tried to clear my throat quietly.

"I think you'll live."

I snorted "I didn't forget you." I was so ashamed.

"You tried to." His voice bounced off the walls of the bathroom, if I closed my eyes it was like I was right back all those months before.

"I came for you." I rested my head against the porcelain edge of the tub and was transfixed by the porcelain of his face. There was a graze on his forehead, just at his brow. I resisted the urge to reach for it. "Are you hurt?" I asked instead.

His head fell forward, and he shook it. "I feel so different, so alive. You've turned the lights on."

"I'm just sorry I had to burn London down to do it," I grumbled and we both laughed, sort of.

My hair was almost back to it's ash blonde. I stood up out of the tub and grazed my eyes over my thoroughly broken body. I wondered how much pain my wand was siphoning out of my body as it rested warm in my hand. I decided it was best not to find out. After numerous encounters with wand ends and hard surfaces I was a mess. Tearing at the seams, literally didn't even know I had seams until now. I spared one last, distressed moment to stare at my wretched holes.

Still alive. I stepped out of the bath and flicked my wand to pull the remaining grime from my hair before beginning to braid it.

"Follow me," I whispered. We walked out of the room and I heard Black shifting behind me. I pointed to the door leading ahead to the sitting room.

"Don't go passed that door or open the curtains on this side of the flat or make to much noise or anything else risky." I led him into my room and pulled on of the old fashioned shirts from the chest at the end of the bed, deciding it would do on its own.

"Get some decent sleep," I advised him and then marched through to the front room. I pulled a few books off the shelf at random, along with the oaty cereal from the press.

I brought them down to the bedroom and kicked the door opening.

"I'm sure I can safely assume you are hungr- oh." Black stood in the middle of the room with his bloodstained tattered shirt in his hand. Apparently he didn't just wear clothes because everyone else did; he had to do it so as not to cook other people alive by removing the protective layer. My mouth was suddenly very dry, and I put it down to the heat rolling off his thin and ink-stained body. Sirius Black wore clothes for other people's protection. Men really don't look like women at all.

I decided that this one needed further investigation.

"After work," I promised us both. I nodded before dropping the books and food with a clatter onto the ground and moving to purge the house of all traces of blood, mud, and general lawlessness.

When I entered the hall I opened the cupboard there and turned the heater off.

"Won't be needing this anymore…" I pulled at the collar of the over sized frilled shirt away from my body and blew seemingly useless air across my dewy décolletage.

He was like an Indian summer all on his own. When had myself and my flat in a moderately decent condition, the sound of the door closing forced an unhappy sort of cold with it.

He was in my apartment, I smiled a little smile. I had saved him, that's one good deed to Jodie already. I knew I wasn't evil. haha.


	23. The Plan Queen

Chapter 23

The Plan Queen

When I reached the end of the spiral stairs I found Ollivander staring fretfully down at a newspaper. I could see the door to the shop from where I stood and the signed was flipped to closed.

"Good morning Mr. Ollivander." I attempted an airy smile and balled my hands into tight fists as I realised that being light and airy became harder and harder the more attachments to the world bound you down. Links to things outside of myself felt like a strain but I was still feeling the buzz of carrying out vigilante type justice along with my thriving independence and this depleted my sense of dread somewhat. My hands remained tight closed however, for I may have made peace with my actions personally but as I saw the face on Ollivanders paper calling out to me I felt physically sick;

"Why is the shop still closed sir?" It was a sensible question if my deceptions were realities. What had I done?

"A most terrible thing has happened." He responded forebodingly with a flash of his white eyes and I began to wonder what sort of reaction this amended for a person who had no idea who this Sirius Black was or his general significance thanks for asking. but of course he didn't ask.

"A very dangerous follower of He Who Must Not Be Named has escaped from Azkaban prison."

"WANTED" The front of the newspaper read in very bold letters. How to recognise him, people involved in the investigations, words from the minister of magic, how did he do it? And who to contact if you think you may have spotted him. Article after article, so much for keeping a low profile.

"They say he was assisted from the outside, they have put numerous people under investigation, a piece of paper with Blacks name on it was recovered in the ocean below the prison and the suspicious sensory system flew an owl out to the ministry, of course owls and things get caught in the stream all the time but it was the day that was in it I suppose, some wood and a seagull were also recovered, hardly groundbreaking. Aurors are swarming the streets, parents are pulling their children out of school not to mention the dementors are in uproar! I think I we will suspend lessons until further news arrives. Things won't be quite back to normal until Black is back behind bars." He folded the newspaper and my lip pulled back in a little flinch. I could have handled the sound of a bird singing far off outside a window or a child screaming or laughing in a far off room in a creaky house but these controlled sounds were beyond my reach. But my body was my home now, if I wanted a familiar sound I could listen to the noise my voice made while I was talking. I still craved it though, craved for each of the events I had experienced, the actions I had taken part in, that they had no ramifications. I just wished on some level that the things happening all around me would be of less consequence, foolish things caught in the isolated safety within the pages of a book, wonderfully detached. The more I did, the more experienced, the more terrified I became. I was scared.

I felt like I could hear Black walking around upstairs;

THUD THUD THUD like a tell tale heart;

"Are you finished with that?" I tipped my head toward the news print but refused to lift and point with my obviously shaking hand, I didn't want to rouse suspicion.

"Oh" Ollivander shifted from his stool and moved to this work bench. He bent and retrieved a newspaper bound to another with a frayed burlap cord from under his work table and held them out to me. I recognised the article on the top of the bundle, I had burnt the first copy I had seen. "I ordered in this old issue, to help you understand."

"Sirius Black arrested by ministry for murder of former friend Peter Pettigrew and intimate dealings with He Who Must Not Be Named" Talk about your Dé ja vu. I almost wanted to burn it all over again but I just smiled wanly and pulled them to me quickly so as not to flash my quivering fingers.

"Its really considerate of you to help me understand so clearly." I tucked the papers under my arm.

"Will you work, sir?" I queried curiously;

"No, no; I am to ward the shop and I promised to assist Madame Malkin on the corner with similar duties. Quick to fall into old ways you know, there is a community of sorts among the shop keeps here and we must look after one another so.." I stiffened and nodded; a community my actions had upset, wards that could reveal my part in it. They had Ringo.

"So, only people to whom you or I forward explicit permission to should be able to enter passed the shop counter once it is correctly enchanted." I was watching my shoes; my slackening shoulders may have been taken as a small amount overly relieved but then I thought of what this was all for and my excitement to return upstairs circumvented my apparent unease with deception. Deception which could easily be interpreted as betrayal, but it wasn't, saving an innocent man perverts no justice. I relaxed further; no black shrouded red eyed grinning shadow could haunt my psyche with half as much gusto as my own guilt.

Jodie, judge, jury and executioner us not who I wanted to be but I didn't work alone. I was an instrument of the light. Maybe not an instrument with the best tuning but allowing something so good to be my guide, it was the only way I could think of to deal with the decisions I was faced with, and fortune favours the bold anyway, right?

"At least for some part we are safe." I remarked in a tone befitting a moments rest in tumultuous inner turmoil. His clouded, pearly eyes found mine and I felt frizzy, I quickly stared back at my shoes. I almost wanted to confide in him, he was trying to protect me, he looked at me with concern. As is he cared, as if I was making him worry. My actions for justice had brought terror to wisdom. I couldn't win, I remained silent.

"For some part." his reply came finally and he pulled a brown paper parcel from a shelf by the window. He handed it to me and I received it with steadying hands. I tested the weight of it and picked at the side of the binding paper for a moment.

"Breakfast." He said simply and I suddenly felt stuck. I smiled at the bundle in my hand.

"Thank you." I had to cough delicately, more to crack the tension in my throat. It felt tight, I didn't expect a tightening of the vocal cords was what one feels in moments of sentimentality but that was the only words I could really apply to the feeling. Warm, welcome and disconcerting. It was like my voice was looking for my heart, searching for my the words there.

"It means a great deal more than I quite know how to say." He began to wave me off and I laughed lightly,

"I mean, I know that breakfast is just breakfast but its just… very lovely."

"Oh, well, its really quite alright, I just;" Ollivander began to wave his hands about and then he just turned to the front of the shop, "Wards." He called back, and I watched him march his way to the front of the shop. My legs began to itch, he turned, he was very kind. I turned and flew up the stairs foolishly, almost falling twice and probably not reaching the top any faster than I would have at a leisurely lollop to the next floor.

I reached my door and shifted on my feet.

What am I doing? I asked myself as I began to struggle to reach my keys between the bundles and papers on my person. The key slipped into the latch fluidly;

"Living." I told my ears and I slipped into my flat as quietly as I could. When I closed the door behind me I sank to the floor and stared at the wall, the packages falling to my sides. My mind was a mess. Nothing matched, I needed a plan, that was it.

From now on I was like the plan queen, planorama right up in the brain of that girl Jodie. She is so full of plans, oh yes. So very full. My brain babbled; as I slowly lolled my head from side to side and began to develop the mental concept.

Plan for today: I continued;

Eat breakfast with Sirius Black

Talk to Sirius Black

Discuss newspaper with Sirius Black

Think of ways of hiding Sirius Black

Ask Sirius Black about dumb ring…

Figure out where you last had the dumb ring

Make friends with Sirius Black

Clean nice dress

Go out to get something for dinner and check on Remus

Come home and eat dinner with Sirius Black.

I continued to stare at the wall vacantly. I was zonked completely, breakfast was definitely a good idea, living off the amount of food I usually ingested sometimes made me too lethargic to get out of bed never mind actually do things, speaking of bed I could really use some of that.

I pulled myself onto my feet with an unnecessary sound effect and headed for my room with my mornings entertainment in hand.

I was standing outside my bedroom door around four and a half seconds later when I realised how much I really needed to work on my attention span. Whatever happened to having a plan and remembering you forced a wanted man to get into your bed just over an hour ago. Things would be so much simpler if I had just left him locked in the room with the bath I thought as I stacked the mysterious breakfast package on the side of my hip and turned the door knob.

Ok. Eat breakfast. Simple, right?


	24. Breakfast in Bed

Chapter 24

Breakfast in Bed

The door swept out in front of me nonchalantly, as if it was any other day in any sort of place and nothing out of sorts was occurring.

"Don't mock me, you ridiculous slab of wood," I cried indignantly and stomped my foot. I heard a clatter as my keys fell from their precarious perch by my elbow.

"Shoot," I hissed. I bent at the waist to feel around on the floor. A pair of sock clad feet came into view and I glared at my own bad luck. This was not the manner in which I wanted to be seen after three and a half minutes of so-called work. Curled up like an abused centipede in a poorly fitted mans shirt, in the full knowledge that my unhappy day-old satin knickers were secreted under the edge of the bed. I dropped my junk and lay back in to the floor of the corridor, legs crossed at the ankle. I was so very passed caring.

"Oh!" I cried up from the floor; "We are in so much trouble." I groaned and rolled onto my belly.

"uuuuuh." Came the opening to whatever remark the damned human heater had decided to grace my crumpled distempered form with; "Jude we need to talk." He trailed it into a question. I rolled over, sat up, and stretched out a hand so that the convict could help me from the ground. Believe me when I say I was so incredibly ready with my perfectly articulate "I think a long conversation in which you turn down that internal thermostat sounds just lovely." but then he touched my skin. I opened my eyes. He wasn't standing above me, he knelt in front of me and held my left hand in his. His lightly-inked pale flesh only highlighting how my own once lily appendage had been torn asunder. The red stood frightening and vibrant as the sleeve of my sepia shirt slipped.

"I.." I had nothing. He ran his thumb over the gored rip and I flinched. I could feel his eyes focused on my own and I looked to meet his gaze. His eye quickly shifted to fix on the accelerating shift of blood in my veins sickly visible through the window of clinging skin. He was just so damned warm and yet I shivered. Maybe I had a fever; "uhm…" I slipped my wrist through his hand and wrapped my appendage around his in a svelte gesture. A firm shake and a similarly shaking smile, I was home free. I pushed myself back with my foot as I cradled my hand to my chest. A cough, our eyes met;

"Talk?" I managed. What was happening? Some part of my mind just knew that I couldn't ask, so how was I going to get an answer?

His haunted eyes were on mine as he nodded and another unsmile moved across my mouth placatingly.

"Alright then," he responded in an infuriatingly steadfast tone and an unexpected little smile formed on the mans face in quite possibly the most -why don't you lean closer- way I never expected "I can't believe that I'm looking at you." and we were on our feet. I picked up my package and my papers and tried not to start yelling at the incorrigible man for just creating questions that had never before needed answering. Why on earth did he have to happen? Just when I was doing so well without him.

I moved passed him into the bedroom and somehow managed to hold the door open for him while maintaining a grip on the piles of junk, which I was really starting to resent. I gestured for him to follow and closed the door behind him. I felt a little more secure, like this would protect us. I took the candle from the bedside locker and moved onto the bed. I sat with my back to the head board and stared over at the end of the bed, I patted the spot beside me;

"Talk?" Black repeated as if it was a point to be pressed, he sat on the edge of the bed hesitantly and I huffed.

"What else?" I rolled my eyes and then I blanched; was that it? Was that the question which I wasn't supposed to ask, was there something else. Damn. He didn't catch me on it though he was just shaking his head and now sat beside me. I pulled out my wand and it closed the beds curtains before lighting the fat candle obligingly. I sent the candle to float ahead of us and nodded my head assuredly;

"I just feel more secure like this." I spoke softly and stretched my arms, one cracked.

"Is this where you take all the boys?" He asked, there was some door slamming and disturbance around the front of the flat, Sirius tensed beside me but I waved him off as I yawned,

"Its me." I murmured by way of explanation and the curtains surrounding the bed shifted slightly as the troublesome trinket pressed in to the palm of my hand along with all the other weird crap I had accumulated, the little pile of scrappy papers stacked in my hand and I placed them on my lap.

I began to pick the pile apart and decided to start at the top;

"What does this mean to you?" I asked in my new soft voice which I reserved for candle lit conversations and solving mysteries; double whammy, right? I held in one hand the emblem imbibed ring which I had used to get into his vault.

His hand moved toward the item slowly as his fingers floated just above there surface almost tenderly, like it was a sick little bird or made of dust. His bright, sharp eyes studied the piece of jewelry and my hands wanted to shake under the scrutiny.

"Oh." the vowel escaped his pouty little lips and I found myself staring at them before they pulled themselves into a laughing little smile. "Can I help you with something?" I was looking at his eyes now and I really wished I wasn't. Why would I close the curtains and turn out the lights? Was I trying to cook myself alive?

"I don't know." I told him, it was the truth. I pressed one of the scraps of paper into his hand, it was the rubbing I had taken of the symbol I kissed on the vault door;

"What does this mean Black?" feeling as if we were getting no where slowly.

"It means bound." He showed me his left ring finger and the symbol was printed on his skin in a smudgy blue edged ink.

My eye brows reintroduced themselves to one another in their little crinkle; I held the ring for him to take;

"and this?" He shook his head and negated touching the ring and instead wrapped his warm heavy hand around my arm to pull it closer to his face.

"It won't bite." I offered gently but he didn't move to touch instead he held the ring clutched in my hand up to my face and ran a hand through his hair.

"How did you get this?" He was finally catching on and his voice fell into a similar soft tone to mine.

"I own it." we looked at one another, his eyes looked flinty and cold and I shifted to face him more fully;

"Why did you bring me here? What is all this about?" His lip was curled and he practically spat the words at me, the candle beside me flashed brighter for a moment as my wand made a threat, a little demand to be acknowledged. He was up on his knees now, standing in a way, towering in every way. For someone so betrayed and malnourished the aristocratically featured man was certainly imposing.

"Because you didn't belong where you were and I didn't want you to get caught and because well… I," I huffed and met Sirius on his knees to face him; "Because I wanted to apologize to your face. Stop acting like I'm a stranger Sirius."

"I told you that the dementors change memories, sometimes even take them. I remember telling you that." Who knew that eyes that did such a good impression of crushed ice could look that completely warm. The flint in his eyes was gone now and had been replaced with something else. What didn't he remember?

"You really do look like a Malfoy." he looked confused, "Remind me? Are you a step daughter?" This was something that I didn't mind him forgetting, we didn't discuss it much. I didn't like to think about it, being this fluke which broke the rule of some enchantment I didn't totally understand. Being a girl Malfoy, Tonks had thought the whole story was kind of cool but I never recounted all of it to Sirius.

"I've had nothing like a parent." He laughed lightly.

"You can't be married to one of them anyway." He really had forgotten... I pulled my hair back to my other shoulder with my free hand;

"And why can't I?" I enquired as I tried paid special attention to the shift of candle light and pointedly ignored the true cause of the rolling warmth. Another slow, confusing hazy smile presented itself and I had no idea what to do about it.

"Because you are engaged to me." I scowled.

"Don't mess around." Surely he remembered our last conversation, it wasn't exactly a happy one.

"My dad was a Malfoy." I explained.

"No girl ever had a Malfoy for a Dad." The shaggy haired man scoffed and I sat back on my feets and he copied the action.

"I can think of one." I pressed and I pulled another piece of paper from the little pile, the journal entry from Granddad Malfoy. I passed it to Black and explained neatly;

"Juniper Malfoy, daughter of the mirror man, Cancer Malfoy, son of some other idiot and brother to one especially distempered and sensitive bigot named Lucius, Papa made literally no name for himself but managed to royally mess up the system even more by having a daughter." I pointed to myself. "Makes no odds, where I came from my relatives are either dead or Deatheaters." I had waited so long to day these things to Sirius, to shove his 'taboos' where the sun don't shine. "So the ring?" I asked and I looked at Sirius.

"Is an engagement ring." He answered in his lacquered voice and I looked away, failure, I know.

"Stop it, I'm being... earnest." came my response, I avoided the pun he so often teased me over;

"You really don't know?" Black pressed and I raised my eyebrows at him, he put his hands up in surrender;

"I am just saying, you pretty much dragged me the length and breath of Britain and half killed yourself just to get me in bed." I wondered about the significance of the bed for a moment. The only thing I knew about sex was that I knew absolutely nothing about sex. I had never asked Tonks but still felt like I had learned invaluable information about the subliminal language of 'flirting'. I had also seen her and Remus kiss a handful of times but I tried not to think about it.

"I have breakfast." and the man grimaced. "Real breakfast."

I cracked open the abused parcel to reveal an unhappy looking selection of pastries.

"If it had jam its mine." I announced as I passed a chocolate topped croissant to Black. Biting into my jam doughnut I felled an elegant run of jam slip from the edge of my mouth.

I was in real need of something this yummy.

"mmmm" I moaned, I was going to need a lot more of these;

"You know I have some stuff I really have to do." Sirius whispered and I bent my brow at him.

"Oh yeah?" I pressed; "People to kill, right?." I pulled the jam from the edge of my lip with a lithe finger before pulling it into my mouth. I hummed and wiped my hand on the bed covers. Black watched my movements fixedly and I rolled my eyes.

"What? You don't expect me to maintain decorum around you all the time, do you?" I scoffed; "I can barely keep up a façade of holdittogetherism when I am dealing with my boss." he didn't seem to really be paying attention and I shrugged.

"Is my brain fucked or are you actually as deranged as you come off?" the public enemy remarked flippantly and I felt stung. I was heavy.

"I reckon its just you. We've been friends for months Black, I know I'm not socially ideal but it's not like you didn't already know that. Remember when I asked you what would happen if we met?" I clambered to the top of the bed and shimmied under the covers. I swallowed the last of my doughnut and tossed the newspapers over to Black. I pulled off the damned frilly shirt and the candle light extinguished.

"Yes." He whispered.

"Well I didn't bring you here because of any of the stuff I tried to talk to you about that day. Alot has changed since then. I brought you here to apologize and because I believe you're innocent. so just get some rest. The last ten years probably took alot out of you." I hissed the last of this in a tone reflective of my jilted feelings. I was no master of deception

What a fool I was to think that that would be end of discussion.


	25. Hot

Chapter 25

Hot

"Excuse me?" his voice cut through the dark just as my shoulder sank in to the mattress happily.

Ignore him Jodie, I told myself; he is dumb. But he didn't want to be ignored and went on;

"Are you seriously trying to tell me you didn't know we were engaged until this moment and you don't even care to discuss it more than you care to nap?" Jail really wasn't the sort of place one goes to learn manners or anything to that effect I decided.

Why? I asked myself for the thousandth time, why didn't I leave him locked in the bathroom? I prodded myself disparagingly, it just wasn't nice to have to deal with anyone with a voice. It was like Pembride, questions questions questions. Why Jodie? Why Jodie? Damnable questions.

I sat up, to poke some holes in the mans distracting distress;

"We're not engaged. Believe me, if I was engaged to you I would know." I thought of Tonks the day before and forced myself not to imagine myself running to her in a similar state of jubilance.

"Jude this isn't about what has or hasn't happened between us, this is magic we're talking about. Our parents did this." I turned over then, holding the blankets to my chin. I willed the candle back into life. His face reappeared looking down on me.

"A magical arranged marriage?" I queried, and I was embarrassed to admit that those words had been in the back of my mind since he showed me the symbol inked on to his ring finger. He sort of nodded but I scoffed, sitting up to reveal my partial nudity which Sirius dutifully ignored. "What difference does it make if you have a little skin stain and I have a ring? It doesn't mean anything. Does it?" I asked, trying to ascertain if he had some sort of hold on me I wasn't aware of, or if I had a hold on him. "We aren't getting married. You don't want to be engaged? Fine! engagement broken. Simple, see?" I pulled the edge of the duvet cover over my head and tried to pretend I wasn't thinking about Blacks mouth. I liked it, so sue me. I was starting to understand the want Tonks always talked about, was this just magic? because we were bonded?

"You can't just become unengaged once your traditionally engaged Malfoy." His voice was in some way irritating at this point, like genuinely, not just saying so, his tone was seriously off putting. I sighed;

"Fine. We will just stay engaged then will we?" I hissed, there was no winning with this man.

"Argh." He growled and I rolled onto my back in the dimly lit canopy. He began to have a little session of what missy Sarah used to call a "mouthing off"

"Do we have to sit here in the damned dark eating doughnuts or can we act like normal people? Has anything between us been real or are you just trying to get your pureblood husband back? Do you have accomplices? You know it was one thing when all I could hear was your voice and you told me you were new to the magical world but after the magic I've seen you do..?" The man spat out various wild offensive allegations to this effect and I decided to see how long I could ignore him before he realised. Maybe I could get in a few hours sleep before he would be done, oh, I should be so lucky. The convict really needed to take a moment to appreciate the benefits of bed sleep as opposed to drug induced curled up on the floor sleep in a heap covered in your own blood type sleep.

"Alright, alright." I yelled over him and sighed. I sat back in my original place at the top of the bed, my wand opened the beds canopy and allowed the daylight leaking through the light beige curtains into the bed, I sat back up to the edge of the bed and sighed.

"Get yourself in order, are you …ok?" I didn't want to think about where I had taken him from. He was weakened, tortured. I should have done something nice but since my best shot at nurturing had been the small day making efforts of distant and untraceable favours done unto kids with poorly maintained toys, maybe I ought to pat his knee or something. I opted instead to try and come off as someone more adept to dealing with the distresses of fellow men. He didn't need to know about my insipid short comings. Trying to think up fake milestones of intimacy for myself I crawled from under the bed and wrapped myself around Blacks torso.

"What are you…?" He began but I shushed him;

"You've been through an ordeal." Black began to push me away but as I pulled him tighter the hands he had pressed to my sides to push me away instead lugged me closer to him. Oh god he was so very warm;

"You aren't wearing a top." He hissed as my hand began to move up and down his back. The gesture made sense.

"I noticed." came my response and I felt the mans gentle hands run a light line over my spine, I shivered as goose bumps followed the burning trail curiously. Maybe I shouldn't have moved so close to him, surely someone as warm as I was feeling while covered in this much tingling could be contagious, I didn't want to make him ill.

His hand ran over my gored ribs on its odyssey over my hypersensitive bruised skin;

"Don't." I hissed feeling like I was something frightening and not just an orphaned liar, but which was worse? "Sorry;" I coughed as I felt a little drip run down my back. He had been crying. Even if only a little. What was I playing at? Black kept one hand on the undamaged edge of my waist and the other up at the level of his eye as I moved my head from his shoulder where it had fit so well. His great heated eyes, his eyelashes damp and a stare sharp as knives I felt silly;

"I um" the man began but where did he intend to go with it? I may have gotten sick of being any other sort of warmth but the more I sat with him I found I felt as if I couldn't sit near enough.

"It's fine, you're not alone, it'll be ok. We won't get caught." I smiled a little sadly, "I'll keep you safe." I whispered and I wiped at his tears.

"Have I gone mad?" he whispered back, "Are you real?" I smiled slyly,

"I saved you" I told him.

"I remember so well the day you asked me if I liked you." I began to turn pink like I did that day. Just like then the conversation felt less friendly and more like something else. "I guess we're finding out pretty quickly what it's like when we meet face to face." He lowered the offending mutilated rib cage violating hand to his side and our eyes met again. Don't quit Juniper, damn it don't look away. But then I did. The spell broke.

"I'm sorry I just forced you to tell me all that stuff, I should have given you more time to adjust. I'm just no good at this sort of thing." I gestured between us and cast around for anywhere to look but at him. "I just wanted answers and I thought maybe you'd know. That you'd know why I was left in the orphanage with nothing but your name, why I could get into your vault, why I'm so..." I trailed off. I looked at him again, his eyelashes were still damp.

"So what?" he whispered and there was an urgency in his deep, husky voice which my heart seemed to respond to as it decided it wasn't close enough to the man in front of me.

"I don't know, everything points to you!" I frowned and the heavy hand on my hip began to shift lightly over my skin as if it was regular. My breathing didn't seem to think so and it became significantly lent toward irregular as it took a pause before it escaped along with the stutter of my heart, was this a spell? After effects of all those potions?

"Why did you come back for so long? For so often?" The man hissed and I felt the warmth of his eyes along my front. Was my body, all recent deformities aside, abnormal some how? A topic of interest in one way or another. I looked down between us and found myself quite caught in what I felt.

His large warm hand on my side, pale and just,

"Oh," I muttered down at my flushing torso; and I decided perhaps it would be best to meet the mans eye again. Some how it was as hard to look away from the balmy, palpable sight of his touch then it was to hold the intense overbearing gaze of his shattered glass eyes. He was a man of reactionary everything, no wonder he was famous. "I was trying to comfort you, I can't be so near you, I'm sorry." I rolled off of him and grabbed the shirt from the end of the bed. Pulling it back on since we evidently weren't going to sleep. Did he feel drawn to me as I did to him?

"It did help," he mumbled, "helped me to realise that this is real, that I'm really out. That I really might get caught. That you're really here."

"I'm glad." He stared at me, we faced eachother, our heads rested back against the headboard. "Last night I had the first real dream I've had in ten years." we smiled at eachother then, genuinely. Then his face fell. "I dreamt about my friends," He looked wistful; "and you."

"Me?" I fiddled with the sleeve of my shirt. "What happened?"

"I heard a sound like the vault door opening, the sound I always heard when you would come to talk to me, except when you walked in we were both there and you.."

"I what?" I pressed and he looked away. He was almost bashful which was endearing and it made him look so much younger. I tried not to think about his age. It wasn't that big of a gap. Like Tonks always said, we're both adults. Sirius didn't answer but his hand moved to his mouth. I thought of what it must of been like, not touching another person for ten years. I mean I had done nearly a whole life time without much intimacy but my friendship with Tonks meant I was hugged and held every other day. Now that I'm so used to it I can't imagine going with out the small comforts. I decided to kiss Sirius on the cheek.

I lent forward just as his head turned and pressed my lips to his top lip for a moment. It was soft, forgetting it was an accident I brought my hands up to bring him closer, kissing was almost like confiding something in someone. Soft and mysterious and just a little devious. Like I was going to get in trouble for it. His hand was rough where it landed on my shoulder. His skin was soft where I reached out to touch him with my half mangled appendages, the light cotton of the borrowed shirt was barely enough of a shield against the intense temperature of the wizards body. It may seem like I say it a lot but he was just sooo… I pulled my mouth off of his;

"Hot." the word found its way out from in between my mischievous lips into the space between me and the convict. My eyes seemed to wanted to remain half closed and my toes and fingers had scrunched up like claws. Was it a spell? A trick? I was practically hyperventilating and my heart seemed to run a marathon of its own.


	26. Flimsy Conclusions

Chapter 26

Flimsy Conclusions

Sirius had been my first kiss and I think he knew that, that me must have guessed. As it was, I couldn't bare to face him after it happened so instead I through myself into placing different concealing charms on my flat. Sirius seemed equally interested in being diverted and I had brought him months of backdated papers, as he became fixated on obsessively trawling through them. Tearing out certain articles and cramming them all into an old filafax I'd picked up. It had been easy to avoid Tonks since everyone in the ministry was on high alert and working non-stop. Remus was also laying low, no longer working in Diagon Alley. I theorized that he was attempting to stay out of the way due to his connection to Sirius Black. After the first fortnight the concealment charms on the rooms were good enough that Sirius could move through the apartment more freely now without fear of detection. His footsteps couldn't be heard in other parts of the building and the flat appeared empty for anyone looking through the windows.

I was back to work on half hours and I was permitted to hide upstairs when dementors checked the building once every other week. Whenever this happened Sirius would have vile nightmares. Usually I slept on my squashy settee and steered clear of him once the sun had set but on those nights I would go to him. Partly seeking reassurance for myself in the heat of him. The old taboos were reinstated and we spoke mostly about practical things and culture. Only after the first time I kissed him did I explain that I had not taken him from Azkaban just because I had a crush on him. That it had been an act of friendship. The kiss had been a mistake and I tried not to show how much I wanted to mess up again. We lived as friends, we teased eachother and found a way. Sirius' memories of our old conversations returned quickly. The snatches of himself that the dementors had taken reemerged, turning Sirius back in to the vibrant man he must once have been. He was clearly planning something but I think he was trying to find a way to execute the plan that would not jeopardize my safety.

We'd been sharing the little flat for a full month and I was dazzlingly happy. One evening I had come from work and Sirius and I sat next to eachother on the couch that functioned as my bed by night. Sirius had regained some weight and colour under my constant fussing (which complained about but obviously adored). He looked good, his hair was trimmed up around to his jaw line which was hidden behind a neat beard. Even after a year out of the institute I was unused to grown men who weren't Remus and I always tried not to stare at him because he was self conscious about his scars. Sirius was more like me. Not very self conscious at all. Either he just didn't think much about it or dawdled for hours around the house in his towel after bathing just to torture me. I had taken to doing the same, realizing as I now did, the sway such an act had. There was still a small part of me holding out for Sirius to desire me. I didn't know too much about desire but I knew I sometimes felt it for Sirius. I felt it just as I fell asleep, when he said my name and when he teased me.

I was trying to flirt with Sirius as he rifled through his filafax of newspaper cuttings, he was trying to collect intel on his not so secret mission. I leaned across him to 'get a pen' (wink), to 'do my cross word' (wink). I laid hand on his thigh to get by but it slipped on some paper,

"Fuck!" Black professed and pressed his hands to his forehead;

"Shoot!" I hissed more quietly to myself after realising how much that particular knock hurt. I had headbutted him and then tumbled onto the floor. I quickly saw my opportunity as Sirius massaged his injury and clambered into his lap to investigate the damage. I pretended to be focused on the slightly pink section of skin I had inadvertently damaged. Pushing his hair back and moving his filafax aside to get a 'better look'.

I nestled down with one leg on either side of his and smiled;

"You'll live." he didn't seem to be able to move as he grinned back. I had made him still for a moment, I took this as a good sign. I had seen Tonks do it loads of times.

"What a relief." He replied. I lent up and kissed his forehead.

"All better.." It was then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wand rested where I had been seated a moment before. But if my wand is there then what. I turned confused to Sirius and wondered if he had concealed a wand from me all this time. Or worse if he had left the safety of the apartment to retrieve one from downstairs.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Sirius asked, more teasing than truly concerned. My wand flew into the palm of my hand with a slap and I pointed it at him. He brought his hand up to the level of his eyes in bemused surrender.

"Don't move!" I replied, my wand trained on him. My hand slid down his between us to retrieve the suspect object I could feel pressed against the inside of my thigh.

"Woe, woe…" His eyes were wide and my hand paused a moment, silly plan. I suddenly found that I wasn't quite as heavy as I had previously thought, with what seemed to be a sufficiently small amount of effort on his part, I was very much under Black. I lay under the warm worldly man, sprawled across the couch. I tried not to let any hint of accusation into my eye… I decided not ask him what it was. He clearly didn't want me to know.

"If you're wondering if that's a wand in my pocket Malfoy," he laughed breathily and I felt his breath fan over my face, "I can assure you that I'm just happy to see you." He then pressed his hips against mine and kissed me, hard. He might have even growled. I wondered how that poorly executed attempt at flirting had succeeded when all other attempts had been brushed off but decided I didn't mind. I had waited almost a year for him to kiss me like this. But apparently Black wasn't as interested in kissing as I was. He promptly sat back and pressed his face into his hands. He acted as if he wasn't like a giant, warm, dangerous, mysterious, smoke scented, ink stained felon who I would very much have liked to kiss for reasons beyond my comprehension.

"You don't want to?" I asked in a small voice, terrified to further break the spell I had somehow managed to cast.

"Oh, I want to." he breathed shakily;

"Then why don't you?" I pressed;

"You know when you touch me, you almost made me feel normal, like myself. Like none of this," he gestured to the filafax and the spot where my sleeve had tucked up to reveal my still mutilated arm with one hand as the other still covered his face, "matters. Like what has happened hasn't happened. I don't trust it and just because we are probably engaged doesn't mean you have to.." he moved his hands to look at me but his hand quickly covered his face again; "Jude can you please not be unbuttoning your shirt right now." I paused on the fourth button and tried to look sheepish.

"Sorry." I whispered, he had sounded the most enthralling type of annoyed; it almost made me want to be the same sort of annoyed. But then he laughed and I found myself laughing as well. Oh I wished I was funnier. I really loved his laugh, and as I laughed like a belle and he laughed like a dog he leaned very close to me and kissed me again very all of a sudden.

Warm, confusing, pulling. He didn't stop after a moment, I didn't know what to do before he was pulling away because he wasn't pulling away. He had caught my small lips in his own warm pout.

My heart picked up, I felt my blood rushing under my skin. He had me pushed into the sofa again, his heart caught on my waist and on my leg. He pulled my top lip away from me and I genuinely did not want it back, keep it, I would have said if I had it.

His breath was coming fast and suddenly his hands were every where and a moment later I felt the gentle slip of his tongue over my lip, before any further thoughts could be developed I whispered;

"More." in a voice which was unexpectedly husky. His eyes looked more full then I had ever seen them, beautiful and brimming with everything, he looked like he had just… I don't know but I wasn't going to wait around to find out.

"I have to, um, Sirius, I have to go." His body became perfectly still and I cleared my throat. He slipped off of me and I began to fix myself, shifting to the other end of the couch. "Sorry I-"

"-No," he cut across, "I'm sorry, you're just a kid. I-" I blanched.

"That's not it at all I just..." Wasn't that it though? I was scared because I didn't know what I was doing, where this was going.

I needed to find someone to ask about… tongues and brains making their own new strange ideas without permission. I needed my best friend.


	27. Hugging is Strange

Chapter 27

Hugging is Strange

Half an hour later, after a short shimmy down the knobbly bricked edge of Ollivanders shop, home of the over protective Mr.-you can't go out there it's too dangerous!- man. My boss who was so overly upset about the escape of the king of killing Mr. Sirius Black, that no one would consider for a moment that his own ward, aka me, was housing the wanted man. A man who occupied my every thought... well not my every thought. I was out of Diagon Alley and on through the Leaky Cauldron. and it truly was like a different world once you reached the other side.

London city had cars and cash desks and everyone dressed like a less classy version of Tonks. Speaking of, I was enjoying the terrorising view of the crowded muggle street of central London from a charming urine scented red wooden box from which I planned to call her. He had even supplied me with a nice coin to rent the filthy phone with. I ignored the discomfort of witnessing numerous still images of the screaming Sirius Black littered across shop windows on the muggle side and began to practice dialing.

Feeling about ready to insert the coin I began to practice what to say to the my friend, I couldn't give too much away.

"Oh, hello Tonks! It is me, Juniper… um, Jodie! I just wanted to ask you some things about some things! Maybe I could buy you lunch? When are you free? I am free now. Is that good for you? It is? Ok then I guess I will just pick up the phone and call you now then!" I stared at the phone and it didn't say anything; "Yes, I will call you now." the phone continued to do nothing. "you are being really unhelpful" I told the phone and then sighed. Jamming the coin in the little coin receiver I held the phone to my face and carefully dialled in the number.

Boom boom, boom boom, boom boom. The phone said and I pursed my lips, shifting on my toes. "come on." I felt uncomfortable knowing that the less than overjoyed and unpredictable felon remained in my room.

"Wotcher, you are speaking with the youngest Tonks once you start speaking." came the cheerful familiar voice of my close friend.

"Hello Tonks, it is Jodie. Are you hungry?" I asked as if I wasn't reading it off my wrist;

"Did you read that off a piece of paper or something Malfoy? You sound like a robot!" The overly perceptive girl giggled down the phone and I frowned at my wrist and lowered it to my side, I had no answer written to respond to this comment.

"Damn Tonks! Just answer the question." more laughing resonated from the end of the phone and I slumped dramatically to the end of the phone box very nearly falling out the door.

"Well I was just on my way out the door to get a bite to eat to be honest." came her answer and I smiled broadly.

"The Leaky Cauldron seems like a good rendezvous point doesn't it?" I asked her smiling at someone who couldn't see you made little sense but I continued my pointless grinning. My eyes shifted up to the wooden sign above the door of the little bar. A short little syllable escaped the phone in Tonks lilting tuned voice but was then interrupted by the familiar;

Boom boom, Boom boom, Booom click. My smile fell. I placed the phone back in its handle.

"Fabulous." I muttered. And fell back toward the door only to tumble out the other side of the smelly phone box. Pity I hadn't learnt from the incident three and a half seconds before.

"Ow! Poor gentle bum, cruel fate, to punish one so innocent and undeserving of such misfortune!" I pronounced to the whisper of sky visible through the cracks in the towering buildings. I pulled myself from the ground and resigned to reside in the Leaky Cauldron, seated surreptitiously at the bar like someone who never broke the law.

I entered the pub as I rubbed my bum and chose an especially kindly looking stool. I earned this bum cushion, I thought to myself, as I planted myself down firmly with a huff.

Moments later I found myself staring out over the counter begrudged toward the varying glass bottled containing a coppery selection of liquids. Like decanted distilled golden blood. Syrupy. A moment later the warm concocted liquids seem to perform in a further style of oddity. As the glass began to turn slowly opaque.

"Oh!" A high worrisome tone strangled its way out of my throat as I began to shake my head vigorously. "Damn!" I hissed as the light frosting on the glass lead to little fractures in the rounded bottles surface while the liquid with in expanded into frozen amber, as it seemed, did every liquid finding its way faster and faster through my body at that moment. The inelegant syllable which had slipped passed my cracked lips with a little puff of smoky air was followed my several more white clouds as my breath came faster in my panic.

My wand, my hand glided over the edges of my thick, heavy mildew coated leather coat.

Then the rattle, the incriminating rattle of death as it escaped the two hooded creatures floating through the once cheery and warm bar. The candles extinguished along with any manner of talk or thrum or chuckle.

POP. I heard and flinched at the sound of toothpaste tube fast as a flash magic travel that had left me mutilated.

"Wotcher Jo...die." My name very nearly died in her throat as the magenta haired girl seemed to loose her vibrancy to a dull Black which caused her staunch white skin to appear as death. She stared at the backs of the hooded creatures and drew her wand.

"He's not here!" one of the warped creatures span to face her and I wiggled my sore bum in my seat for a moment before releasing a barely audible exclamation of exasperation and with a snap of my wrist my wand met my hand having slipped unexpectedly out of the edge of my sock. Why would I put it in there? I moved quickly to stand beside Tonks but she made no move of reaction to my support. Not that I noticed due to the painful sluggish movement of my heavy icy blood-sludge as it moved argumentatively through my veins, stabbing the edge of every capillary and cracking me up like one of the amber containers behind the bar. We stood, side by side, wands trained on the two black creatures who turned to face us, blurring my view of everything else, I felt about ready to shatter into pathetic shards but I gripped my wand tighter, trying to remember what it was like to be warm. I couldn't remember, it was like I had never known.

"Get out of here you blighters, what would Sirius bloody Black be doing in here in broad daylight? You will patrol after closing as you are permitted to do. You are not commissioned to terrorise anyone here. Leave." Tonks seemed unfavoured, seeming to have found a strength somewhere when I was about ready to cry. The girl beside me did not shake or quiver but I felt her sweaty palm slip into my hand the next second and she gripped it so tight that the heat of her nervous hand almost reminded me why I had stood up from my seat to face the horrific, terrifying jailors in the first place. They dressed in rags but they demanded you to cower. Not I, I returned my friend's little squeeze and remembered warmth and light as if they had never gone away.

The silvery raven climbed from my wand leisurely before approaching the creatures. I had to keep Sirius protected, he was out here because of me, hunted because of me. The bird shifted its wings slowly on the spot for a moment as if to observe the creature and one took this opportunity to turn itself to me. Throwing its ghastly, rotting, stinking form forward the demon began to pull at me.

I was on my knees and my heart was behind my face, pumping heavy cold black through me.

My eyes closed to hold it in but this allowed me to see like before, see what I didn't understand.

The black, bottomless creature, the light of everyone around, the flow through each connection. The silvery web keening from my wand to the bird to my heart to the hand of the great shining shifting form next to me that was Tonks. Plaits branched around through many people in the pub and I was momentarily distracted by the thick barbed ribbon of light pulling out of Tonks middle to the far end of the tavern. The glow of the man with the hump, the woman with the bustle, the boy and his rat and there was also dark, in the corners, in the demons. A jack rabbit stumbled from the centre of the escalating glow of the woman whose hand gripped ever tighter to mine. I opened my eyes, feeling a little release of pressure from my head and I squinted through my lashes at the ambling progress of the two smoky creatures. I watched as the two glowing creatures tumbled around the two dementors. They tumbled toward the exit a flurry of movement and further wave and spat and gone.

No one said anything and I joined them in not saying anything for a moment before someone pulled themselves from behind the bar and sniffed before wondering aloud; "isn't that the girl Lucius Malfoy assaulted last year." and I lay back on the floor where I must have fallen and laughed a little.

"Oh yes," came a response from the opposing end of the room in a familiar voice, "that's her." I rolled my eyes as Tonks pulled me from the ground.

"Shutup Remus." I muttered as I dusted myself off, she pulled me close to her suddenly in a tight hug as I watched a lovely, familiar shade of pink flood her lengthy hair as it began to curl cheerfully. Hugging was strange;

"Thankyou." The girl whispered and I shook my head as she released me. My mouth seemed to want to impress the audience with a gold fish impression for a moment as it gaped and closed several times before I nodded slowly and lifted my arm to find something appropriate to say scrawled on its side;

"Hello Tonks," I read again and she rolled her eyes before lazily planting her hand on her hip and smiling. Conversation began to restore itself around us as I saw Remus crossing the room toward us;

"It is Jodie. Are you nunyrg?" I frowned and squinted closer at my wrist. "Oh yeah;" I said more quietly before meeting Tonks coy eye; "it used to say hungry, its kinda smudged, see?" I jammed my arm in her face and she flinched back laughing, and that was how every hope I had for talking with Tonks was destroyed; the moment her clumsy bad luck landed her elbow squarely in the gut of one Remus Lupin they were both lost to me for the evening. After several more minutes of them falling into an in depth discussion regarding the likely hood of heredity in the "metamorphogus gene". The curls on my friend's head seemed to get tighter and pinker every moment, I soon concluded that obtaining a word in edge ways was out of the question.

"Till next time then…" and I took my leave after being on the receiving end of two pathetic and inconsiderate little waves.

I should bring Sirius some lunch. I marched through Diagon Alley purposefully toward Ollivanders and discovered the perils of attempting to shimmy back up a a building while holding a bag with battered fish in it.

I forced myself not to think of the other world I kept being forced into since I had broken Sirius out. The place I seemed to go to only under great stress, where reflections spoke and I could see threads of light connecting people who cared for or detested eachother.


	28. Jude

Chapter 28

The Bants with Jude

When Sirius was fed and watered he went to bed, clearly trying to avoid me due to our excursion earlier. After he had gone my mind drifted back to what had happened in the bar with the glowing threads and the patronuses looking so similar. I wondered if I saw what dementors saw? Saw what they were hungry for? I pulled myself up off my window seat where I was whiling away the time and crossed the room leisurely. I approached the mirror by the entrance, it looked at me like it knew I was onto it.

"I am onto you," I confirmed for the mirror. I met my eye. "Come on," I told the other girl. We reached for each other. I picked up the mirror. I brought her to sit beside me by the window, she did the same. As usual.

"Right, so here is the plan Jude. I need you to talk to me." she mouthed along with me and we nodded. I rolled my eyes and stared at her again. "Come here Jude," I repeated. Nothing.

"Suit yourself." I closed my eyes and ran through the events of the night she had first appeared. I reached out, and I knocked on the glass. I held my breath. I heard a sound I was both hoping for and dreading. A shuffling by the mirror. From my position curled close to the pane; I opened my eyes and saw myself laid back, sprawled in the chair. I pressed my hand to my mouth.

"Hey Jude," I whispered into my palm.

"Jodie, it's been too long," the mirror girl answered. "How's your Mother?" I looked up at her, she hadn't moved. I sat up straighter;

"Uhm... dead."

"I see, it can be so hard to keep track of time with you creatures. Are you okay?" The mirror girl, Jude, she didn't seem phased. she seemed like an old thing. Ollivander had a man come into the shop once to settle a debt. He was the oldest man to have ever lived, and he had that same look in his eye. That knowing look, like he was on the outside of mortality looking in.

"What are you?" I was prepared for the riddle that came.

"This and that, call me a family friend. An extra set of eyes." I was glad to have faced stranger things.

"Why didn't you come when I called you?" 

"Oh did you call? I didn't hear you. You should've knocked. What's the problem?"

"Me. I'm the problem. I've made an unholy mess of my life."

"Where have I heard that before? You know this is how you ended up as a child bride in the first place".

"You know why my parents tried to marry me off to Sirius?" Jude snorted.

"Oh it's a long old tale, let me see if I can remember the highlights. You're Juniper?"

"Yes."

"Malfoy?"

"Yes."

"See that's a mark of trouble right there dickless. You shouldn't have been born, the only reason you're here is because of your Father, who also shouldn't have been born. You're a little alternate reality baby." She looked at me half expectantly and I felt my eyebrows crinkle;

"Give up." I said and she huffed before continuing;

"Abraxus Malfoy tried to make a deal with my lot. Those who can't live or die, apparitions, ideas, bad dreams, intuitions, boggarts, will-o'-the-wisps: my kind. Not to be tampered with. He caught a Grin, then he tried to make a deal."

"The Grim?" I realised I hadn't moved an inch since she had appeared, and decided not to tempt fate by doing so.

"No, just cut from the same black cloth. Grin's love a good deal, and your sort are always falling into little traps. For your family, it was all about blood. The Malfoy's have been playing with fire for generations. Trading some muggle baby for a healthy heir, trading their ability to bare daughters for a healthy heir, trading some skeleton key made from werewolf bone for a healthy heir, you get the idea." I didn't but she just went on;

"I don't know what Abraxus wanted. Probably wanted powers like yours. The healthy heir thing was settled a few centuries before. The Grin sent a baby boy their way every generation in exchange for hands."

"So he made some sort of deal with the devil?" Jude nodded. "What did he offer as collateral?"

"I am glad you asked. You see, creatures like Grins, or like me, we aren't made with all the same components as your lot; we lack certain uhm…qualities. Grins want what you have, to be corporeal but still immortal. They make deals to try and assemble themselves. The Grin wanted to just like... live in Abraxus, but Abraxus would only give him an hour. Abraxus let the Grin spend an hour on Halloween in his body. Terrible plan, for both of them as it turns out. I'm trying to think of an elegant way to phrase this..."

"Don't bother."

"Oh, the Grin shagged Abraxus's wife and made her pregnant with your father."

"Gross."

"A second child born to a Malfoy. Breech of contract; bad news. Then you were born? I have to say, I've been excited to meet you."


	29. Juniper Malfoy

Jude

I had always wanted to meet Juniper, she looked like her Mother. She might have looked more like her, only she was washed clean of colour. The blood-bag of a body she had been born in was no match for the magic inside it. Juniper practically crackled with it. I had chosen to aid her Mother before her, mostly out of spite for the Grin, but also because that's what I am. I am a seers eyes. A sorcerers guide. A family friend.  
Juniper was so otherworldly, she might be like me some day. She might be my daughter.


	30. Locks and Keys

Chapter 30

Locks and Keys

"I still don't understand why I had to be engaged to Sirius."

"God you make it sound like such a chore, I thought he was supposed to be handsome."

"Why?" I didn't want to admit that I hoped it was going to be something dreadfully romantic. Did sorceresses have soulmates? Could my Mother have known.

"His crazy family were some of the only people still in the market for a Pureblood child bride." Oh. "Your parents needed to bind you to someone with old magic so the Grin wouldn't be able to just kill you. Inconvenient glitch that you are."

"It can do that?"

"I have an inkling that's what happened to your parents."

"What should we do?"

"Get married and do it. That should buy you some time."

"Do what? Also no, it's not like that between us." Maybe.

"You don't want to shag him?" She gave me an expectant look and I narrowed my eyes.

"Give up." I said to show how I was most certainly not going to play a guessing game, this had been going on to long, it was like there was some sort of universal secret everyone was in on but me.

"Oh by Hecate, say it ain't so. Sex Jodie? He has a dick," I cocked my head to the side, "and he puts it in your hole?" My eye nearly fell out of my head.

"We're not animals!"

"Yes you are. Please don't tell me I'm going to have to explain how mammals work like you don't already know." I felt my face heating up. Surely not.

"I... well, I don't know. I just thought we might have a different way of going about it."

"You think we replaced sex with something civilised and kept vaginal childbirth?" I paused and thought of what male genitals might look like. I then happily abandoned that line of thought.

"Well it's definitely not like that between us."

"You might want to rethink that. This is life and death."

Fuck.


	31. Picnic

Chapter 31

Picnic

"You two need to exchange rings or at least bang, or one moment of weakness from you could leave you open to the Grin," said Jude.

"do you have to be so vulgar?" I rushed out in a wide eyed response. "Can't I just stay strong?"

"Can you?"

"He's me friend." I stood to walk to the door where I could hear Black shuffling aimlessly.

"Then tell him, just try not to sound insane," she called from the mirror.

"Don't count on it." Sirius Black was a full grown man who I had rolled around in various states of undress. My fiancé. Jude said it would feel natural.

How much should I tell him? Still stalling outside the door. I am an orphan? a sorceress? a seer? A girl? A woman? An insane person? A cursed person? His fiancé? His captor? His liberator? His destiny?; the last one sounded good in some ways but terrible in others. I decided to opt it out for the time being.

"You think to much," Jude said.

"Very helpful sweetie, thank you." I turned the latch in the door and was met almost instantly with those eyes. He stared at me, I breathed incorrectly. He looked out over my shoulder and saw the front of the flat. He wrapped his large hand around my arm and pulled me forward, the door was kicked closed behind me. We stood together in the dark hall way and I resisted the urge to touch him. I would have really liked to have touched him. His hand burned into my arm. I could feel his body heat. I didn't know the words for how he smelt but Jude had supplied a few; masculine, sensual and sexy all seemed quite fitting.

"Who were you talking to?" He hissed out in a fan of hot compelling breath and I shook my head in the dim light;

"None of your business," I kept my tone petulant so it wouldn't sound overly breathy. It didn't really work; I span and removed myself from him. As long as more than a metre of space was allowed between that body and mine I would be safe enough. There was less assurance to be made for his eyes, light in colour, dark in intent. Maybe I should just bang him… Jude was such a tactless influence.

"Just answer me." He stood, firm and unrelenting in my hall way. Maybe I did think to much;

"Fine, if you must know, I was talking to myself. I was trying to memorize the primary qualities of the forty types of wood used in wands by reading them aloud," I said all this to his shoes even though in my peripheral vision I could see his flashing eyes burning all over me. In the dark as we were, with him standing as he was. It reminded me of when I first caught site of him in that flash of lightening. Dramatic and terrifying and upon looking to the past. Incredibly sexy, I couldn't think straight but I decided that it was paramount that I acted like I was having no issue at all. I went into the bathroom and began brushing my teeth. Sirius stood looking moody in the doorway and I tried not to think of it, any of it. Rhythmic, primal, hot. Now that I knew there was more to it, it seemed to be the end of every line of thought.

My whole body seemed to be trying to pull away, my lungs pulling in all the air that they could, my eyebrows trying to hide in my fringe, my lip disappearing in between my teeth as I bit down on it distractedly. My heart didn't seem to get the game however and made great efforts to escape my chest as I looked the man over in a more lascivious manner then I really wished I had. He met every standard of what I would hope to see apparently, as my heart moved faster and my blood trilled. I took in the bow of his top lip and the pout of his bottom. The harsh line of his jaw; he had a facial structure so sharp it could be used to carve diamond. Pale skin, dark hair, and ink. Little symbols littered up and down his torso, shamelessly pressed up against his skin. My finger tips itched. They were jealous. His mouth shifted into a little smile. How long had I been staring? I begged myself not to look into his eyes. I really did but I am only one woman and he was, well he was everything else.

Grey with the slightest split of fine blue like a snow flake or splintered glass. Sharp, searching and intelligent. 

"How are you going to avoid getting a cavity if you keep looking at me like that instead of actually moving the toothbrush?" he asked in a deep lingering altercation. I jumped slightly as he broke the silence but once again my mouth was faster;

"I was about to ask you the same question," I slurred around the toothbrush before closing my eyes in mortification and bending over the sink to spit. I wiped my mouth on a flannel and straightened up again. Catching his eyes in the mirror once more. He turned out of the doorway and moved toward the bedroom. I was a little pissed off with him. He had known about sex this whole time but now that I understood I was about to gain the upperhand.

I stepped into what was now his bedroom and shut the door behind me. He sat on the edge of the bed and I bent down to face him at eye level.

"I'm sorry I ran off," I told him. He placed his hand on the edge of my throat, his thumb tracing the corner of my jaw and I closed my eyes. My skin sang. He was so very warm.

"You are going to get us both in trouble." his beard tickled the skin of my cheek as he pulled me low and spoke directly into my ear; his warm breath echoing off the shell. I shuddered;

"I am fairly sure we are maxed out on troub-ah! Oh…" My statement was regrettably interrupted but I couldn't claim to care. The pale coloured soft mouth of Sirius Black had wrapped around my ear lobe sinfully. It felt demeaning and dangerous and I liked it;

I was scandalised but I was over it. I hissed as my hands began to flow up the mans torso. One boldly slipping under the cloth of his shirt to reach bare skin;

"Please," I breathed out embarrassingly as I climbed in to his lap. I didn't care, it worked. Within a moment he had turned me around, pressing my back down onto the duvet. He was looking down into my eye as if that action could lead to anything but more writhing and wanton sighing on my part.

"As long as you promise not to run off on me again." He smiled playfully and I frowned up at him, this was serious business. I needed to figure this out and I was not going to be mocked. I allowed my legs to slip up around his waist and pulled him flush against me. His weight causing me to release a shallow sort of 'unh'.

He growled suitably.

"Whatever makes you feel secure Sweetheart," I murmured in a movement so close to the curious mans lips that I could almost feel the weight of the shadow coming from his own cupids bow. I felt as if I could maintain my cool in the upcoming events.

His mouth pressed mine heatedly and I arched toward him, pulling him closer.

A/N: Thanks for reading, all reviews are welcome


	32. Body and Mind

Chapter 32

Body and Mind

I didn't know what I was doing and in retrospect it was terribly good thing that I knew too little to care what exactly I was doing. I had deduced that it was not regular to jump from polite conversation to heavy petting on a duvet but the order in which events had found them selves seemed to suit me down to the ground.

His hot heavy hand weighed itself on the back of my thigh, curving it to his hip. It made every part of my skin tingle just thinking about his hand and the tug and pull of his soft warm lips against mine was something I didn't know how to react to. Overwhelmed, I was a flushed, flustered pleading mess. Sirius Black moved with assuredness, his movements steady and congruent, for him, this was only the beginning of an evening of touching but for me this was the first evening to ever feature any touching.

Carefully latched onto him I tried not to reflect on what he must have been thinking. About what his motivation was for all this kissing.

His right hand drew soft loose patterns on the skin of my hip and received a gasp and a buck in response. A mechanical aspect of sexual encounter mentioned earlier by Jude suddenly made a more present sense. Sirius kissed my neck, it was warm and distracting. He smelt like every good smell I could think of and a few that I couldn't think of even as I smelt them. It was a addictive and I inhaled deeply. The cold air placed the heat of my skin into a more clearly contrasted view. I felt faint, I was hyperventilating. His thumb moved over my hip again and my bum once more shifted from the ground toward him. His tongue ran over my neck and I didn't know what to think of it, all I knew was that as I held to his shoulders which as much strength as I could Black's tongue licked like a flame across my clavicle. I was entirely to warm, another pass of my hip and in some way or another Blacks own hip moved down to meet my thrust.

"Oh." I blurted as a shot of I don't know what smouldered up my middle. I couldn't keep track of the quickly building towering inferno between my hips. I repeated the movement with more force and groaned lowly. The deep primal pressure drove me from logical thought. Hooking my leg around Sirius provocatively I slipped myself onto the front of his hip after somehow flipping him roughly onto his back. Gazing down at the attractive mans light eyes I was driven to distraction for a moment. He ran his hand through my hair gently as I stared fixedly into his eyes. I knew in that moment that I was missing something of Sirius Black. Having just met him and barely trusting him I thought about what Jude said about us being in it together.

Sirius pushed himself up into a sitting position with me draped across his lap. I could feel his masculine anatomy pressing through my cotton knickers. It took a deal of restraint not to shift rhythmically at a point. Instead I just mirrored the mans attentions unto himself as I slipped my fingers through his soft black tresses gently.

"Sirius?" I asked, searching his eyes carefully, searching once more for the sort of person he was under all the confusion. Was he a gentle moderately bitter intellectual like Remus? Definitely not. Was he a free confident spirit like Tonks? Maybe he was once, surely Tonks has her spirit as a side effect of her incorrigible youth. Wise and dutiful like Albus? Kind and diligent like Mr Ollivander?

No, Sirius Black was not very much like any of these people, he had displayed few of these qualities. So far he seemed more like a heater who liked Beatles music, a man who had an unfortunate life. A man who was very full of light. My intended. He moved to allow his lips to touch mine as he spoke;

"Jodie." his lips caught mine for a moment in a sensual caress; I quivered as my body refused to calm along with my argumentative mind.

"I am sorry I can't keep you somewhere safe Sirius, I am sorry I didn't think this out. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." I pressed my face against his neck, I had no idea the way I felt at that moment was a way that a person could feel. Wrapped around him, close to him, like I had never seen stars but then he had shown them to me. As if they were there because of him, I felt about ready to credit him with every good thing I knew about, not that there were many. Maybe I am a cynic. His hand ran up and down my back gently; the gesture left a path across my body that reverberated through my skin. It was such a simple, casual, erotic diversion. I sighed deeply, as he spoke I could feel the words murmur through his throat deeply;

"Shutup, I never I thought I would be free again, this is close enough." I tried to take comfort from that.

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review!


	33. Crash

Chapter 33

Crash

" I was just thinking…" he lauded out in his husky tone between kisses. My curiosity peeked. I wonder if the he had a way of making people react in such a way on purpose. To be automatically drawn to him just by his manner of speaking. It was quite clever really. I decided to ask him about it when I was finished blushing because of it. He ran a thumb along my cheek and I felt little dimples rise up all over my skin like a static electric shock. I didn't shudder on purpose. I knew that any little bit I let go would just lead to a lot more letting go.

"Yes?" I prompted indulgently; knowing it was what he had set me up for but not really caring as I met his slate eyes. They persisted and I gave;

"I was wondering whether you were a still water that doesn't run deep or whether you are being really straight forward because if this is you being straight you should know you are a natural at confusing me." I laughed naturally and found myself holding his hand. I stared at his inky hand covering mine for a moment and felt my eyes crinkle when I smiled down at my mutilated appendage trapped in his meticulously decorated one.

"and I was just wondering whether you made me feel curious about you on purpose with some clever trick." I carefully avoided probing further into his last statement; though I was enticed and perhaps slightly offended. "Sirius, do you think we should go and have your name cleared?" the man was giving me a moderately incredulous luck and I seriously considered changing the subject by rocking against the tempting man methodically. I couldn't seem to forget about our situation quite as well as he seemed to have managed as he infuriatingly continued to leave his answers with lips that traced over the skin of my neck and over my mouth. His stupidly coherent answers;

"If everything was as simple as you made it sound Jude, I would do a lot of things." I frowned and almost considered moving away from the incredibly robustly scented, warm pale upper class side of London city accent wielding man but upon reaching the end of that sentence decided against it. I would not be beaten away by poorly assembled sarcasm.

"I am going to make life terribly simple and lovely for both of us before this time next year Sirius; you will see." he laughed and I smiled. How I loved his laugh. Even when it was bitter.

"Sure, it would be lovely if the dementors and the aurors left us alone." it was my turn to laugh bitterly; I followed up my own altercative laugh by pushing enough space between Sirius and myself to deliver a passionate glare.

"Maybe I should take my skill for reckless indolent behaviour and throw you out the window to be held at the mercy of the authorities who you so cleverly got yourself arrested by. You know its funny how you managed to get yourself thrown in jail without committing a crime where as the only time I have ever been to jail was to break the law and I didn't get in any trouble at all." Black raised an eye brow at me and I responded with a smug smile I had saved for such occasions. I hadn't really been allowed to bring out as often as I would have liked. Meaning only when dealing with Lucius and I had fit it in once or twice when conversing with Remus. 'I am not offended' said the smile to the world even though it blatantly lied. The smirk had a point to prove which I wholly endorsed. Unfortunately it wavered greatly when faced with the all encompassing force of Mr. Black because without much warning I was kissing him.

The surface of his lips was like silk and the heat that flowed out from his person was so disarming that I moaned. His hands weighed heavily on my hips as I combed my fingers through what was clearly competing to be the worlds softest hair.

Sirius firmly pulled me down against him and I thought for a moment that we couldn't possibly have gotten any closer as my hands found there way across his back, allowing to pull him impossibly close. He smelt incredible, he felt incredible and I felt an unfamiliar and bizarrely pleasant sort of weakness flow through every muscles in my body (and I do mean every muscle) when I realised the thrumming rhythm beating out against the fraying white dress I wore was in fact the pulse of Sirius's own heart. Hard and fast.

I sighed as he moved the slant of his neck and caught my mouth, I could feel his smile against my own as our lips pressed together again and it made my whole body feel light. I carefully adjusted the angle of my centre over Sirius once more and shivered as he met me mid swing. The movement proved addictive and my stomach tightened considerably as I once again felt the soft, wet and confusing weight of Blacks tongue over the softened pucker of my top lip. My face heated with a blush and I new I had been caught; my heart was racing, my head span. I felt as if I had some sort of glorious vagina fever and Sirius Black was the only drink but as I ran my own tongue against the seam of his mouth lightly, I was going in blind. I broke away for a moment and met his eyes.

The flash, the challenge, the Goddamned towering inferno. His pupils were dilated and his lips looked bruised, the dark set of his eye lashes that had no business being attached to a boy and the single dark freckle visible peaking out from the edge of his shirt. He was like a teasing fantasy painted by Donatello, that he was allowed to walk around in reality with the rest of us was an assured farce. The little smile found its way across my mouth once more as he pushed a stray silvery hair from my field of vision with an inked in hand; he wasn't allowed to simply waltz around the place like everyone else;

"Insipid convict." I hissed in a harmless barb;

"Naïve nut." He shot back and I pinched his arm; although really I had to forgive him; alliteration forever after all;

"Atleast I didn't get caught." I retorted in a sing song voice as I ran my tongue over his slightly open mouth experimentally; his eyes closed for a moment and I marked the gesture as good when he slowly inhaled before meeting my white iris featuring gaze again.

And then, unfortunately, an incredibly loud and obnoxious shrieking feedback suddenly emanated from the front side of the apartment and Sirius and I stiffened against one another as a subservient series of crashes could be heard at what sounded like the front door; the crashes were a disconcerting and percussive beat to the cool croaking male official who was speaking as if through a mega phone;

"Juniper Malfoy; you have been corralled under suspicion of hiding the dangerous fugitive; public enemy number one to both the magical and non magical community: Mr. Sirius Black.

The Ministry officials from the Department of Defences and the Corporeal unit have been warranted to enter you home at flat number two, Ollivanders Wand makers and store, Diagon Alley, London.

And escort you to Azkaban Prison where you will be placed in holding until such a time as you are cleared of all charges.

Thanking you kindly for your time;

Auror Squad leader,

Ernie Prang." Gritting my teeth I turned apprehensively to meet the sardonic and surprisingly smug expression of Sirius Black; CRASH. Came the sound of the door on the other side of the flat

"You were saying?" he said as if we hadn't just been handed to the authorities on a platter.

"Is this really the time Sirius?" I cried as I removed myself from him and ran to grab my shoes. CRASH. I heard him shuffle up from the bed behind me as I dug around the chest at the end of the bed for the ring and my family documents.

"I don't know what your so worried about Jude, knowing you, you are going to have yourself strutting -CRASH- across Manhattan or something before the sun sets on your first night in the joint; weren't you just saying what a little Houdini you are?" I stopped my flurry having collected all I needed and stored it in the pockets of my haphazardly laundered rune cloak. CRASH. I stopped and stood in front of him, eyes narrowed and nostrils widened;

"What is this to you, some sort of joke? Some of the people here aren't quite so accustomed to life in that cosy sea side resort you seem so eager to get back -CRASH- too!" I cried as I poked the mans chest with my finger, he didn't react for a moment. Then his hands were on my shoulders and his eyes brought down to my level. I couldn't shift, only flinch under the intensity of the mans stare as he seemed to focus all his bitterness onto me in a beam of guilt; he had a lot to shoot.

"oh no Jodie. it's the kiss for me." CRASH. I was about to ask his meaning despite the serious case of waterless mouth I had come down with, I cracked hoarsely through the Sahara desert but Sirius cut me off with the needed explanation; CRASH.

" The dementors? Well I guarantee you that after this show they are going to be given permission to suck my soul out of my mouth, so no this isn't a joke to me because unlike some kisses, that isn't one I am looking forward to." his hands were waving all over the place, my heart was sketching having never been put under so much stress in its existence, every hair on my body stood on end and worst of all I could feel the coil of the knot in my stomach; was it here?

"I'm sorry Sirius." I whispered. CRASH. ;

His hands dropped to his sides as his posture slumped and he turned to me; CRASH.

"Let's just try and get out of here Malfoy." and I nodded cautiously as I passed him the leather jacket from Pembride before he stood close beside me. I took the mans hand in my own.

"I guess its worth a try." I waved toward my wand in my sock and it shot itself up into my hand.

"Maybe I should try it Jude, I have done it before." he held is hand out toward my wand and I felt my wand touch my middle lightly. I gave it the equivalent of a nod and it passed over into Sirius's hand. He firmed his hand around it for a moment and took a firmer grip on my wrist before nodding his head at me. CRASH. I nodded my head lightly and felt the compression begin on all sides. Heavy and pained and unnatural and then the feeling of the pull around my stomach seemed to shift itself to pull at my back.

A/N: Please review and thanks for reading


	34. Ties That Bond

Chapter 24

Ties that Bind

When my feet did eventually met firm ground my wand flew back into my hand and Sirius and I stood gripping each other firmly in my front room; I turned and looked at him expectantly;

"Wards." he hissed by way of explanation and both our focuses span around and returned to stare down the door of the flat. CRASH.

My whole body seemed to shake reflexively in response. Black tightened his grip on my arm and I shifted in front of him slightly. He turned to me as I was turning to him. We faced each other for a moment, as if both looking for words while allowing the other to speak but then something broke like a dam and we flew toward each other. His hands bound around my waist and I pulled him into my arms as if holding him tight enough would squeeze him into my heart where I could keep him safe. I leaned out of the embrace slightly to look in his eyes but I was met with his lips. His soft hot mouth pulled on gentle ruddy bottom lip for a moment and then the moment ended as it was a fight to stand in front of the others defence as the door began to give;

CRASH.

They were in. sombre faces and expensive shoes flooded into the room, wrapping around Sirius and I in the middle like an amphitheatre, the image threw me back to my encounter with Lucius. Something I didn't really ever want to be reminded of.

"Juniper?" Mr. Ollivander stood looking in confusedly from the door. The mans moon shining eyes caught mine and if it weren't for the flash of heat from the magnetic man gripping my arm I probably would have remained frozen where I stood, staring, fixed with guilt.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Ollivander!" I shrieked over the crack of the officials boots. My voice rang, desperate, high and clear, as, in the blue light of the dusk people of all shapes and sizes flooded the room, wands drawn, they stood like a bureaucratic force of fury. Each one looking personally offended and outraged at the sight of Sirius Black in the old fashioned shirt and his pyjama trousers. I couldn't help but reflect that he looked quite dashing in that leather jacket for a moment before returning to the terror at hand.

It was then that I realised that a man with an off-white piece of paper was making a calm proclamation amidst the chaos. I felt Sirius palm begin to sweat against my wrist as I tuned into the words. And the words were there, dementors kiss. The sentence was set, I could feel his hand shaking. It was a he had predicted, the crowd slowly divided and the black creature swept forward.

I could still just about see Mr. Ollivander in the crook of the door way where he was blocked in by a large lumbering auror. I felt more like my Mother by the minute, giving every impression of betraying my loved ones due to a helpless response to my own lunacy when in reality, I should be so lucky.

The creature drew closer and Blacks grip on my arm faltered as he stared, transfixed, at the rattling cloaked giant. I realised in terror that he gave every sign of a being a man who was resigned to his fate. But this was not how I was going to allow it to end. If this was the end then what was the point in any of it?

My parents, his brother, all those years of both of us being prisoners due to other peoples lies; it couldn't be let be in vain.

I was so very assured, quite possibly by nothing more then dumb naivety that it couldn't have all been for nothing. But even as I latched onto this last belief the creature loomed.

It was pulling in all that was around, pulling the hope right from my heart. Sirius had fallen to his knees. He was weak as it was; ignore it as I might, he was out of sorts. No matter how warm or large or imposing a person he was, he was vulnerable; his strength was all but gone.

My vision blurred; bright blue lights shot from all over the room and targeted Sirius and I. the lights worked like lashing ropes and I was pulled onto my knees next to Sirius a moment later. A voice cried out in the room;

"Expelliarmus." it cried and I realised in the haze that it was a voice I knew. I was in barely a state to register my wands presence in my hand but it ceased to matter for it was out of my hand and across the room already. The wand dropped delicately into the purple nail-varnish encrusted hand of a girl with matching purple hair.

"Tonks." I was surprised my voice cooperated enough to call out in shock at her being there. I followed my eyes from the ends of her deep purple hair and saw the hue was chosen to match her neatly pressed auror robe. I exhaled fearfully;

This, I didn't need. For Tonks to see me and how I must have seemed to her in that moment. On the other side of the law, in cahoots with a mass murdering death eater on the same day I had so ardently stood to defend her. What she must have thought as she slipped my wand into her pocket and met my eye remains beyond me.

I saw my own horror mirrored in her gaze, she looked betrayed. She looked as if she felt foolish, that was one feeling I could definitely relate to. Our contact was broken as an arm cut across to send another binding lash to hold Sirius in place, as if he could shift a quarter of an inch as it was. As if he even intended to struggle in his place, laughing maniacally on his knees.

I turned to face him as the black thing towered over us.

"Stop cackling like a crazed maniac Sirius!" I called over the prattling, searing noise of the beams being cast in our direction. Eerily illuminating our faces and the rattling death procession breathing in all the hope I could no longer retain;

Ignoring the slimy sensation of the latest shivering band of blue light binding my ankle to the floor I attempted to lurch toward Tonks and summon my wand to me. Unfortunately as soon as I struggled in the restraints they made my thoughts fuzzy. Barely holding onto my disrupted objective I grabbed Blacks hand and reached my other argumentative limb out in front of me. The blue binding strained. Sirius had stopped laughing.

I yanked my wand toward me in a moment of clarity and called out as loud as I could over the humming din.

"I vouch for him, tell Dumbledore. And Tonks… I'm sorry." I successfully clipped the words out and tore the binding surrounding Sirius and I with a lacerating whip of the ash wand. Pressing every bit of energy from the enchantments that had bound us in the room I took the energy and like a small pathetic conductor ran it through my limbs and veins until I had successfully cut Sirius and I off from the hostile room.

Surrounding the two of us was a Lord-knows-where-from collection of bricks. From the other side of the impromptu brick wall the sound of the purple robed officials chaotically bombarding the stone reverberated around us from all angles.

Their efforts to enter the room were pointless however as I had only further bound Sirius to the great black debtor. The dark creature which I had learnt to be a dementor towered above us both. Sirius had slumped to the ground and was still. A frost emanated from the rattling rag cloaked figure as it lent over Sirius and I pulled myself to my feet, the creature moved as if it did not see me. In that freezing room I watched the warmest person I believed to exist have all the heat torn out of him as the stone shook around us my heart seemed set to fall right out of my chest. For an eternal moment hope was lost to me. I joined Sirius on his knees.

If Sirius and I didn't escape tragedy then I was wrong. Justice was irretrievable, I was powerless and alone and I was going to die like everyone I had failed to defend.

For the longest moment all I could see was Sirius and his light eyes like I had never seen in reality. Lifeless and tortured. Suddenly I was brought away from the series of horrors running through my head by what I realised was my own ear-splitting scream. Disconnected flashes of light drew my attention next as my shuddering vocal cords cooled. A meagre space in the shuddering stone had formed as the willowy wraith lowered its hood and rattled over Sirius.

I didn't know a person could panic as thoroughly as I did in the next moment but in that moment I saw, the silvery lights stretching out from the people outside the walls the walls pushed into the chamber like gossamer web. So many phantom webs flowed right through to Sirius where he lay on the ground and I began to panic as I watched the thread growing more strained and dim as the black monster positioned itself over Sirius I saw it working to absorb the strings right out of the light out of Sirius's middle. Then I noticed something and I didn't know how to react to it. Right out from the left side of my chest bloomed a thick silvering band and it reached right into Sirius's heart in the same way. Another thread spat itself from my hand as I reached out and pulled itself toward the corner. A voice blinded me to the other view as I came back to reality;

"Jodie listen! Please!" it called out to me; I was disoriented.

I slammed my hand over my chest in search of the line connecting me to Sirius but of course it was lost to me at that stage.

The hoodless rattling creature lying over Sirius's body was slowly working to coax the light out of Sirius's middle. My wand charged light through me like a fighting force and summoning what little strength was available to me I rose to my feet. Once upright I lunged forward and caught the dementor in the side of the head with my foot. It shifted its posture grotesquely to face me and I reeled back. I caught my wand in a familiar dramatic arch and thought of the sound of laughter as I said the word;

"Expecto Patronum!" I bellowed out and suddenly the stone dome was lit by my swooping raven, unfortunately at this point the walls surrounding us and the dementor which writhed around like a provoked wasp the bricks began to disintegrate like ancient paper.

As the walls fell I heard the voice again, my voice;

"for god sake Jodie over here." crossing the room quickly I found the mirror still tipped delicately against the chair. Lifting it from its place I met Jude staring out at me, she stood aside and I heard her call;

"Get the fuck in Jodie." so I lay the mirror down flat beside Blacks unconscious body and with a suitable amount of grunting pushed him into the mirror. As I was holding Sirius's arm the sudden drop of his weight through previously non existent state dragged me with him and when I absorbed the reality inside the mirror I saw that nothing seemed to have any substance. The wispy world inside the mirror was about as corporeal as smoke caught in a persons hand. But as we fell side ways through the walls of houses and the sides of cars in London with Sirius unconscious beside me the one thing that did seem to have mass was the reflective surfaces throughout the dimension.

Like windows they lined across the ungraspable phantom space until Sirius and I were headed directly for a mirror reflecting numerous coppery pots and pans. A second later we had shot out the other side. I didn't know where the creaking black dusty house we were in was but I knew that it was far away from where we had started.

"is there anyone here?" I croaked out and I felt a reassuring light sourced from my wand a second later.

"excellent." came my response as I wrapped myself around Black like he was a hot water bottle and lost consciousness.


	35. Good Morning

A/N: Feel free to avoid the second section (of three) and it's slight sexiness. I mean this whole chapter is basically a drawn out teenage make out scene but like, in the second section boob is mentioned so... I'll just leave a note at the end for anyone who want's to bail.

Chapter 35

Good Morning

Warm I thought happily. I felt something soft move against my neck gently. It was a wonder how a feeling could make a person so warm and yet at the same time make them shiver with the need for more heat. As if the slow tug of my skin, which made my flesh lick against my bones like flame, wasn't enough.

I half opened one eye. The view was blurry, I blinked against the glue joining my eyelids. It was immediately apparent, that the black mass creeping around the bottom of my field of vision was the thick head of hair belonging to Sirius Black. Sirius seemed to have no issue planting kisses along my clavicle when I wasn't even awake to enjoy it.

I felt his teeth graze along the previously untouched surface and my hips seemed to take a remarkable and sudden repulsion to the ground as they found themselves angled into the air. My eye slammed shut and my teeth wrapped around my lip as the warm unignorable weight of Sirius was measured against my rib cage. He rested neatly between my legs as if we hadn't been dancing around this very thing for weeks.

I could feel the press of my ribs against his inked-in front with each sigh of air I swallowed. I was out of reach of myself, as if my body existed independently of my head and was more then happy to oblige itself with shifting hands and regrettable wanton humming. Goose bumps rose over the surface of my arms as my hands fanned up the length of his torso of their own volition.

My lack of reserve did not make it past the reproachable man without comment, as if he couldn't resist but gloat at my lack of decorum, as if he hadn't been the one throwing himself at me. If he had at least given me a chance to say 'hey maybe later when I have braced myself to adopt any sense of self control what so ever', but alas, I was unprepared. I had been hoodwinked, the very idea of speaking out as he breathed out a lofty chuckle against the shivering over stimulated column of my throat unfortunately seemed like a bad joke. Something more difficult than climbing Everest.

Too much blood flooded into my cheeks and my hips clicked upward like a gravity driven swing facing no resistance. I had no hope at all of beating Black at his own ridiculous game when he wrapped his large hand around my thigh while curving my back. Pulling me closer with the persuasive lift of his other symbol dappled appendage. He shifted to meet my eye and I cursed my blush. He had a stupid grin on that caused me to sink further into his grasp. He made me contemptibly weak. He had such an interesting face, I found myself trying to memorise every part of it, his playful mouth and cautious eyes, as if he was full of life, but constantly drained by the weight of it, all at once.

"Are you having a good time down there?" his lips moved teasingly over my cheek and I hummed noncommittally; his mouth hovered over mine, brushing across the sensitive skin of my own softly; "What was that?" he inquired, his sedateness was infuriating but my breath only came hot and heavy as if to remove the weight and heat of his compelling body from my senses.

He held my leg with an eased practice as he found it a place on his waist. Goddamn him and his heavy petting;

"What are you up to?" I asked in a moderately respectable manner. His breath fanned over my cheek as he laughed in what I noted was a slightly more shaken tone then a moment prior.

"I'm celebrating." came his response and I decided I had had quite enough of his demure façade.

If I didn't do something I was going to end up sleeping with Sirius before breakfast; which seemed like a really good idea when I was almost too full of lust to see. Not to mention it could literally be the difference between life and death. The words I had heard used in incomprehensible fashions a hundred times before suddenly had a myriad of slots to rest in. Words like erotic and lust and as Jude had made a most pointed point of, the "F" word.

My small hands caught on his shoulder and spread across the bare flesh along his throat as I pulled his mouth down to my own. He moved with me once more and the sound of my response was partially muffled by the heat of his kiss. I could feel his smile as he reangled his head and I delicately caught his contentedly curved lip in my feverish pucker.

He allowed himself to drop his composure for a moment, he produced a low growl. I pushed my hips up toward his and experimentally ran my tongue along the seam of his lip. I swore I could hear a small parade playing off somewhere nearby as I removed myself from him with a false semblance of self control to announce my victory sardonically;

"Try and contain yourself would you, Black?" I grated out in a low, husky tone that would have to do; "I mean I haven't even said good morning yet." I added. He unexpectedly pulled on my lip with his teeth; my eyes weighed themselves down and I shivered, the spring below my belly tightened and my breath stuttered.

I realised I could taste him on my tongue and lapped over his lip curiously. It was adorable; the residual mint from our shared tooth paste was so domestic. I had taken it for granted, what it meant to share a home with him. Running my hands up the lapel's of the leather jacket, which really wasn't doing my restraint any favours, I hooked my legs at his back and shot my tongue through into his mouth. He groaned in response but I barely noticed I was so consumed by the ever building tension caused by the friction of my body against his and the unexpected intimacy of our deepening kiss.

My heart beat roared passed my ears like the rushing of air I heard when I flew too fast on my broom. My breath came tearing through my body but only carried his scent, his mind numbing sense enhancing heated touch, his hand slipped along the sides of my shirt and I shivered. He was driving me mad with every move he made, the sound of his breath, the scent of leather, his silky hair. The fascinating curiosity set my mind alight, fueled by his seemingly never ending bill of secrets.

When he moved his mouth away from mine I was beyond containing my mewls of encouragement. Despite thinking it ridiculous the release of it only drove me to further reaches of unchecked writhing as Sirius moved slyly lower down my décolletage.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

He ran the tip of his nose lightly over the cheese cloth of my wrinkled white dress as if to smell the flimsy fabric. I came closer to shaping a word or composing thoughts that contained something other than more kissing. I remembered our precarious situation. How Sirius was definitely celebrating too soon. Had he already checked the dwelling we had ended up in for occupants? for danger? The further Sirius's lips were from mine, the clearer my mind became. A moment later however when his mouth ran over the puckered pink nub at the top of my breast, the outline of which was lightly visible through the fabric of my clothing, my back snapped into a violent S-bend.

This prompted a warm chuckle from Sirius and my fingers began to respond by raking uselessly down the his leather clad back. He kissed my nipple wetly through the fabric while his hand found the other and my head turned to the side as I hissed incongruously.

Black could laugh at me every second of every day until I was dead and buried as long as he promised to continue to administer attention onto my oversensitive breast. My breath shuddered as I felt the fiery tug of his mouth and the literal pounding in between my thighs. My skin sang and my muscles tensed and my mind flew far beyond reach.

My head whipped once more around to face the other direction as Blacks tongue swept over my nipple as if he did it every day before and with a quick corrupting suck he drew the seemingly heavy mound of my breast away from my body through the dampening materiel of my detestable frock before he released me.

"Oh… " I moaned and blushed deeper at my own exclamation; perhaps if I really wanted to hold myself together I could start by not allowing my fiancé to drop maddening kissed down across my thinly veiled abdomen.

He reached the hem of my rucked up skirt and I felt the heat of his hand pressed to the back of my bare shuddering thigh. My breath hitched. I wanted him, as much of him as I could get, but in that moment I wasn't entirely sure if I wanted him to have all of me. He seemed to know my body better then than I did already which was disconcerting. If I had sex with Sirius, would it change things? I didn't say anything for another moment. I couldn't, I wouldn't really know what I was consenting to. I needed time, even though I knew if Jude was here she'd slap me in my face.

His hand drew soft patterns against the back of my leg. My mind half lost in a haze of the scent, sight, and heat of him.

"I…" I attempted an explanation but no sooner had the syllable escaped my mouth then to my great upset and unanticipated relief, Black's movements seemed to switch objectives. He tugged my skirt down slightly and stilled his hand on my thigh. He pulled his weight up on his elbows and I did the same. I looked into his eyes and I smiled weakly before dropping my gaze to his symbol imbibed hand. He planted a warm soft kiss on my belly before he took my hand in his.

He shook his head against my stomach and was on his feet in one abrupt movement. I looked up at his for a moment with raised eye brows and a slight questioning pout. This seemed to drive him from hesitant to frustrated as he turned his back to me and ran his hands up into his hair;

"Fuck, you are killing me here Jude." he hissed at the wall opposite and I took the opportunity to fix my skirt properly and inhale a deep quiet measure of air;

"Oh yes." I crossed my legs on the ground and allowed a measured amount of derisive laughter into my words as I went on; "that was all me. That's how I make people wake me up every morning, I mean, who needs alarm clocks, right?" I climbed to my feet. I tugged my cloak around me to hide the fact that I looked like I had taken part in a tiny wet tshirt contest.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Why did you bring me here?" he asked like it was very important. I surveyed the room for a moment before feeling genuinely thrown off by its outright musty creepiness. I approached him happily and pressed my lips to his. I broke away within a second, before I personally think the kiss had reached a natural stopping point. I ran my hands through the lapels of the leather jacket that Sirius really did pull off better then me. It further contrasted his black as coal, pale as marble colouring.

"Good morning." I told him, feeling thoroughly accomplished at the site of his slightly gaping, ruddy mouth. I stepped passed him and trawled toward the door at the back of the spider infested, writing desk featuring room.

"Good…?" I heard him ask behind me and the almost question was followed by an ubiquitous huff before he followed after me to the door. He grabbed my mutilated wrist just before I gripped the door handle and I turned to look at him. He had a warning in his eyes;

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." he said in his casual, dulcet tone. I felt a bizarre sense of easy unease take hold. As if I felt safe from almost anything with Black, even though he was the source of most of the trouble I found myself in. I still felt safe from external danger in his presence. Unfortunately I also felt tenuously on edge in the knowledge that when I was with Sirius Black, I didn't really know myself very well. Hilariously, I am probably the biggest danger to myself that I know of. If it wasn't for Jodie I wouldn't be in any trouble at all.

"Why not?" I asked;

"Because it has a trick latch." he pushed me aside,"Here, let me." Pressing his foot to the end of the door stiffly, Sirius proceeded to apply pressure to the top side of the door knob which then snapped down to reveal a much smaller diamond door knob beneath. He used it to open the door. We stepped out onto a stuffy landing and I watched him in confusion. I followed him in to the hall.

"How did you…" But my question was interrupted my a gut wrenching cry of anger. A set of velvet curtains flew open to the right of Sirius and I. A well put together woman sat trilling out a crazed spitting rant of which I had never heard the like;

"You!" it screamed; fixing its oddly familiar eyes on Sirius. I realised, I remembered the eyes from Sirius's own face. "You dare return here? You filthy traitor! You shamed abomination. You dare to return to this most venerable house? This most honourable and ancient house of Black? Filth! And what's this you have brought with you? Come to gloat with this mud blood whore?! Thieves! Scum!" the portraits nostrils flared as its eyebrows flew up. Sirius, who had seemed more terrified and taken aback by the painting then he had at the sight of the aurors in my old flat, suddenly had his hand fused to mine as he lifted our joint hands to show the fancy old woman in the magical yelling painting;

"Does the name Juniper Malfoy mean anything to you, Mother?" Sirius spat at the painting which did not blanch or pause in its spewing of hatred at the sound of my name but simply rambled on, eye bulging, finger nails reaching to claw at our skin. Her scraping made a noise against the inside of the canvas but it did not give.

"You are no son of mine you traitorous waste!" I flinched slightly as the woman's onslaught continued and pulled my wand from my sock surreptitiously before gesturing toward the painting;

"Shut up!" I cried at a surprisingly high pitch, and the curtains on either side of the painting slammed shut. I stared at Sirius's hand around mine and felt my stomach drop and my temper flare. I was so tired.

A/N: There in Grimmauld Place. Sirius is going insane because Juniper is running hot and cold like a century old tap. She thinks she's sneaky but she's not.

Please review,

Thanks for reading.


	36. Don't Call Me 'Baby'

A/N: Special credit to AmaranteX for this one, she killed my writers block!

Enjoy!

Chapter 36

Don't call me 'Baby'

I breathed out a wush of air and turned to the man beside me who stood gaping at the curtain;

"So, what was that about?" I asked nonchalantly and Sirius released my hand with a jerk to reach up and pull at his hair;

"My Mother isn't my biggest fan." he blurted and I pressed my mouth into a thin line;

"No I got that bit, I meant the part where you felt the need to wave me like a shameful war flag in front of a painting of your Mother after almost having sex with me on the floor of this derelict hell hole seconds before." He turned to me abashed and I felt a line form at my brow; "Well congratulations Black, if you wanted to make me feel like some cheap scum you couldn't have done a better job of it!" For once the sting I felt from the barb of another actually escaped and I instantly regretted my words. I should not have allowed him to see how much his actions affected me; I pressed my hand to my mouth and growled in frustration and confusion and in just general over whelming crushing reactivity to the pressure that had become every damned day of my suddenly overtly ludicrous life. I felt my skin tingle and the dust settled on the floor brushed off the ground in a whirl before settling again as I span around and stormed up a nearby stairs.

His plodding footsteps followed me and I felt my nostrils flare. I didn't know what I was doing; I kept running up a seemingly endless labyrinth of stairs until I eventually reached a stair that just led to a set of French doors. Sirius followed me up every flight, my chest was heaving, I really wasn't what one describe as fit by any stretch of the imagination and my beautiful gaunt fiancé seemed to have similar trouble negotiating the stairs. My hand reached for the handle on the glass door, I had no plan and I could see the winter rain outside. His hand was suddenly wrapped around my wrist as it jerked mine away from the handle.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." he hissed in an imitation of himself only moments before;

"What is that Black? A warning? An order?" I pulled my hand back away from him and held it to my chest, the damaged skin strangely smooth to the touch.

"It is just some advice love." he crooned and I pointed my index finger toward the underneath of his chin as I snarled;

"Don't. Call. Me. That." a sneer followed onto his mouth and was followed up by a cruel grin, something I could not bare to think about as I though of why I as bound to the man in the first place; his hand hit the wall to the left of my head as he leaned down to my level. Even then I could still feel the heat rolling off him in waves, my mind was still not completely calm from before as I felt the pulse between my legs start up and I pressed my thighs together pathetically to try and maintain reserve.

"You don't like it?" he asked and I felt my cheeks flush as my words got stuck in my throat. I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"Stop." I said but he only moved closer, I could here the rain pounding on the glass next to us;

"Stop what Jude?" he spoke close enough for his breath to disturb my hair before his mouth once again dropped to pull at my ear and I shuddered as a whimper escaped my mouth.

My skin sizzled as his teeth raked over the edge of my throat;

"Being a cad." I pressed as my heart fluttered fast in my chest and I felt my confidence slip toward my feet, I knew in that moment that if he really wanted to it would take Sirius little time to persuade me to consent to go to bed with him. I felt weak and meagre and I hated it.

"So this is your opinion of me." He crooned as if he were wounded. His hand which he did not have pressed to the wall crept up my waist and I opened my eyes as my temper finally shook off my lust; my wand was in my hand and Sirius was thrown to the other wall before even I knew what I was doing. He caught me with an assessing gaze and I ground my teeth off of one another.

"What do I look like to you Sirius?" I cried as I spread my arms out so that he might view me, my ash blonde hair and colourless eyes, my pale legs stretching out into my clunky boots, my red rune cloak draped over my white dress and wand resting loosely in my botched left hand; he bristled as I stared him down;

"You're just a kid Juniper, you don't know what your getting yourself into, that much is apparent." his mouth set in a stubborn, arrogant line he placed his hand on the banister of the stair to leave.

"I am not finished!" I shrieked indignantly and my wand turned him to face me once again. He eyed my wand; my voice came out in a faux feminine tone, high compared to my deeper voice;

"Look at me sweetie! Do I not look like the sort of girl you can have at your beck and call? Am I not weak? Am I not an exemplary figure of naivety?! Is it not a good laugh that following my path of ignorance and foolishness I stumbled upon your cell in Azkaban?" He flinched at the name;

"Listen Sirius;" I lowered my voice to a whisper and approached him his place standing on the second step down on the stair allowed me to meet him at eye level, "if it wasn't for me you would still be rotting in that cell and if I hadn't brought you here you would be worse off than the dead so maybe you should stop thinking of me as a vacuous girl you want to;" I stumbled in my speech for a moment but steeled myself for a moment before degrading my language; "to fuck and start seeing me as the woman that I am." His eyes burned into mine, I thought of having him acknowledge. Of asking him if he understood; but I didn't want his subservience, I simply wanted him to see me as an equal. The rain continued to come down behind me and I released another puff of air;

"right," I breathed out and a wry smile found its way onto my mouth; "no more funny business." my wand slipped back down into my sock and Sirius's posture relaxed slightly. I stepped down onto the step beside him and he rolled his eyes before sniffing;

"You really are a Malfoy aren't you." he blurted and I smiled;

"Yeah, your Mother seems lovely too, you filthy blood traitor!" he shook his head and rolled his eye again;

"and I had to be engaged to you! Of all the mud blood whores!;" we laughed openly for a moment and I noted once again how I enjoyed his laugh; how glad I was that I had said the things I said even though I questioned myself even as I said them. Both of our tempers were running high, we had nearly gotten caught, our safehouse for the last month had been compromised. Our situation was dire at best.

"You know this house?" I asked as I looked up at the creaking rafters;

"I grew up here." he answered and I coughed lightly;

"Oh," I murmured slightly abashed and I turned to face his light eyes gaze; "sorry I called it a derelict hell hole." I bit my lip and felt a little relieved when I saw him smile out of the corner of my eyes;

"You can call his house of horrors whatever you like;" he turned to me with raised eye brows and his eyes fell down to my feet before following back up to my face at an excruciating pace;

"You never went to Hogwarts?" he asked and I shook my head no; he released a breathy little laugh that seemed more to himself and I felt my cheeks colour; "so Jude, if I am allowed to call you that;"

He raised an eyebrow at me and I raised a safe two in return before gesturing for him to continue; "just out of curiosity what sort of upbringing does a girl, sorry, woman like you have to have, to be capable of the feats you accomplish?" I felt my cheeks heat further and I ran my hands through my hair before dropping my weight on the wall behind me.

"What do you mean a woman like me?" I asked as I crossed my arms delicately;

"A beautiful woman." he offered with a silly smile that seemed to pull at the sides of my sternly set mouth;

"Couldn't you have just asked why I didn't go to school?" I prodded and he rested his hand on the banister behind him, the rain outside settled some what to a light mist;

"Oh, is it because you didn't need it?" his lips shaped mischievously and I huffed lightly;

"Yeah," I quipped; "that's exactly why."

"hey I am just speaking from experience here. I think the only time I ever saw you struggle with magic was the night you.." he trailed off as his eyes lowered to the ground,

"What was that?" I pressed and he shifted his lips to give a low whistle;

"Come on Jodie, I might have something to show ya." His eyes did seem to hold a genuine excitement as he turned before his feet thundered down the flight of stairs and despite the obvious subject change I still followed him with intrigue.

I followed him with heavy clunky boot clad footsteps until we reached the second story of the seemingly five story tall house.

"What…" I began to ask as Sirius stopped but then I saw his name on a dusty bronzed plaque on the door. I moved to wipe some of the dust from its surface but Sirius gently pulled my hand from the air;

"If I hadn't cursed it, it would have been long gone." he muttered and I nodded slowly as I noticed the numerous blast marks around the door, its looked like smoked damage on the pinstriped mint and pine green coloured wall paper.

"Can you open this without your wand?" I asked and he shook his head; He reached out and traced the letters of his name and turned to me for a moment;

"Well I was hardly going to lock myself out." he reached for the door knob and it creaked as it turned stiffly. Pressing his shoulder to the door he crinkled his brow and applied enough pressure that the solid wood gave and shirked forward out of its frame. He grinned triumphantly and I released my own wry smile as he stepped forward into the room;

"Voilá!" he said as he strolled into the room, I took a step toward the door but felt a sizzle of magic around it. I huffed lightly and cleared my throat as I heard Sirius rambling on in the bedroom having clearly not noticed my absence. His head popped around the door and he looked at me confusedly;

"Come in Jude! No funny stuff, I promise." he grinned and I was about to explain about the non inclusive warding of his room when something he said woke up my mind;

"Jude!" I blurted and my palm hit my fore head, I wondered if I should go to see if I could find the same mirror she had sent us out of when we arrived here but I was not happy to go back my the painting of Sirius's mother; he looked from right to left up the corridor and looked at me bemusedly;

"Am I not allowed to call you that?" he asked and I waved him off as I began to march up the corridor in search of a mirror.

"What are you looking for?" he asked and I began to twirl a piece of my hair around my finger nervously;

"A reflective surface." I responded and he snorted;

"and they call me vain." I heard him mutter and I laughed lightly as I spotted a gilded frame and approached it to see if it was a mirror;

"Sirius I don't think anyone had called you anything but criminally insane for the last decade;" I reached the frame and saw that it was what I was looking for, except it lacked the person I was looking for. I wasn't in it either, no one was, as Sirius reached me his reflection stood facing him, he shifted his hair, he was kind of vain as he had said nothing and my reflection was conspicuously absent. A rivulet of smoke bloomed up from where my reflection ought to have stood and I watched transfixed as it spread out across the expanse of the inside of the mirror like a shifting black cloak;

"See you look fine!" Sirius told me as he gestured toward the blank space where I should have stood but I did not turn to him despite my relief that he was blind to what was there to be seen, or rather, not seen.

I saw in the corner, the beaded red eye of my own personal demon and my skin prickled as all my blood dropped into my feet, my gut twisted and I was stiff with fear.

The smoke covering the hall reflected on the inside of the mirror pulled back swiftly as it had pulled in and moved toward the front of the mirror, as it did the walls reflection bore a message written in familiar silver liquid, the sort I had seen pulled from my own gut onto the hand of the grin not to long before. I did not know what the symbols meant, the message was written in rune and about as easy to comprehend as Dumbledore's psyche.

The smoke from the mirror continued to sweep forward as I stared at the runes until I realised it had reformed at my feet, looking down in abject horror I saw the black gas sweep up toward me like a toxic cloud. I looked up at the mirror and was met with the blood shot eyes of Jude who called out to me as she hammered on the glass.

"Run Jodie!" but I was powerless, fixed to the spot as I felt the cool gas slip down my throat and fill my lungs like a compound of lead and fibre glass. Leaving me to leak and haemorrhage within myself. I placed my hand on my throat as I choked and felt my face wet. I reached up to wipe away the tears leaking from my eyes as I choked and saw my hand stained red. Blood.

My vision blurred as blood filmed over my eyes but I could feel arms bind around me as Sirius pulled me toward him. I realised I was thrashing, my mind seemed to fill with the dim, heady red weight of my own blood but I felt the weight of Sirius lift off me as my hand began to brush against something cool and smooth. I thought I could hear all sorts of screaming. My eyes stung so I kept them closed. My knees buckled so I let them shift of there own accord. My body seemed to have its own business to attend to as my mind lulled off under a pressure of pain and bizarre purposelessness. I felt as if there was no other way to me as my hands continued to brush over the wall and I scowled to myself as I was irritated by the desperate and distracting screams. Luckily a moment later my ears made a short pop and all I could hear was a low ring.

After a while the wall seemed far less important so I decided that I would sit down. It would make sense for me to be tired. I hadn't breathed in any air in a while, I was bound to feel a little weak. I opened my mouth to take a dizzy breath as I sank to the ground sleepily and wiped some of the blood from my eyes. In my stinging view as I opened my bleeding eyes a crack however I realised that a mouthful of blood had slipped from my mouth as I opened it to breath, I spluttered. It sort of blended with the upholstery of my cloak and I began to rub it in curiously until my lungs seemed to heave.

I began to retch and cough and splutter and was surprised to see a plume of smoke some out from my mouth; my head lulled to the side and I saw Sirius;

"Look! I am like a dragon." I puckered my lips and blew out a great lung full of the smoke and as I did I began to feel tired;

"That's great baby can I come over to see?" I looked over at him and saw that he looked markedly damaged sat at the end of the hall, I gestured for him to come over and saw my wand in my hand I raised my eye brows at it and nodded for him to come over as I exhaled another great plume of ash;

"Don't call me baby Sirius." I chastised and as I coughed violently for a moment and then teetered in my position slopped against the wall Sirius caught me.

"What happened to you?" my voice scratched as I saw a line of red formed along the side of him face; he laughed tremulously and I was surprised to see a tear run down his face as he pulled me closer. I felt drowsy; I heard the reverberation of his dulcet tone but I couldn't make out his words as he responded. I had decided I needed some sleep, I was drowsy. I convulsed again with a cough and then dozed off.

A/N: Thanks for reading!

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	37. Thankyou

Chapter 37

Thankyou

Sound, phonetic and deep, an unnamed repetitive scrith; scritch-scritch-scritch and a thud, one thud after another, methodical and incredibly annoying. I was tired. I needed to sleep, my body was tired, my blood was like sludge in my veins. The last thing I wanted was this, but at least there was a bright side to all the noise. His voice was so nice, whatever he was saying he was saying it well.

This didn't feel right, the skin on the soles of my feet was cold and the rest of my body was so warm. Leather, my head was like a puddle seeping out through my body, no tide to send a message, just muddy water from some place else swishing around with no purpose or connection. I could smell it, leather and wood.

There was a great pop and they pulled out the inside of my ears and made them able to hear by whistling and when they stopped the thud was foot steps and the mumbling made words and the scritch, well it was still a scritch but two outta three ain't bad, right?

"I never really did say thank you properly did I?" the warbled effect to the words cleared further and I listened; "I don't know, I don't know how to deal with this. I didn't think your voice was real, at first I though I had made you up, I really did. But then you asked me if I was real, as if anyone could think me up! I'm Sirius bloody Black and you had never heard of me. It was all I could think about. You asking if I was real and then me thinking if the truth made you real." he started laughing. He kept pacing. All my sides tingled. I wanted to fall asleep but I couldn't resist eavesdropping on a conversation Sirius refused to actually have with me, or maybe he was babbling with nerves, he sounded nervous. I knew these were things I shouldn't hear. The sort of things you say in confidence to a silent room or to someone like Jude or just not to someone like me. People never opened up to me, so much so I started to wonder if people had anything on the inside.

"I waited for something to give, for someone to realise. To see a face again, to hear a voice. It reminded me why I had even bothered to stay alive for all that time. Something besides bitterness and I just needed there to be justice for my friends. For everyone. I couldn't let it be all for nothing and I know it sounds like I can't know this but I just feel like even if you don't get why I need to get Pettigrew I think that you understand about doing something to make it; to restore the way things should be. I need you to just not…" he paused, he wasn't even pacing. His hand slipped under my chin and he pressed a finger to my pulse. He laughed again. My body still wouldn't listen to me or I would of laughed with him as I realised why he was so anxious. He thought I was in some sort of mortal peril. I wanted to tell him I wasn't going to die before I realised that I might have been wrong. Maybe I was going to die. I couldn't bring myself to panic. Apparently I couldn't bring myself to do anything but remain here in a very PeterPan sort of way, in the place between asleep and awake where you still remember dreaming. Except for me the dream was on the outside. I was living the biggest joke of an adventure the world could of thrown at me. He still laughed,

"I can't believe you came to Azkaban prison on an antique clean sweep and you know I though about it, when you splinched yourself and you made me sleep in a bathtub, I couldn't sleep thinking about that note. That the owl brought in, you just wrote my name on it, a piece of paper with my own name on it. Its not exactly how I imagined my release papers looking, I have had more official looking detention slips off of Remus. Not the best counterfeit really." he breathed a huff of air; "This isn't a very good thank you is it? Well it isn't really my thing to be honest. I amn't really the sort of person you would describe as humble. While I am being honest I might as well tell you, and I know this sounds bad, but I actually really wish you had been someone else, that someone else had come. Anyone else. I mean, not because I don't like you but just because, I uuh"

I was glad he seemed like he was stopping, I didn't want to hear anymore. It wasn't as if I had a choice; it was more like the direct opposite. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I was such a joke, I hated that every time I learned something about myself that I liked there had to be a reason to suffer for it. I had done something because I believed it was right and I thought that was pretty hard core but it just made me an even bigger joke; now I was an eighteen year old girl who was humiliated by the one person she cared about the thoughts of most. He kept talking and I felt my emotions heave as he broke the momentary silence.

"I just didn't think I would ever feel this way about someone so quickly. I didn't think I would feel this way about anyone at all. I just regret it because I didn't want to meet someone like you this way. Where were you when I was your age, you know? We really could have used you back then. The stuff you do. I mean, I wanted to say thank you but now you are just going to go ahead and just lie there and you just have to wake up because I actually don't what I will do because we have to… I don't know; meet Harry and introduce you to Remus, that great git! We have to get married as well and oh God Malfoy, I don't know what I'll do if I know a girl like you has died a without being properly loved! I don't just mean sex" he was laughing again and I could feel it and I wondered if I was blushing but I couldn't tell. I wish we hadn't met this way either. Had never been engaged, had never been cursed, had never been imprisoned, but that was the price for the wonderful things. If it wasn't for curses and engagements I never would have met Sirius at all and I couldn't abide that. He was the reason this was an adventure and not a tragedy, I needed his help, I needed to help him. He had saved me from a half life, or maybe I had saved myself by finding him but looking back he was like magic all over again.

But instead of being the newest and best part of me he was the newest and best part of my life. I would literally be dead without him even if we were only bound to another to accommodate a plot to kill some terrible wraith it would only kill me if we didn't.

Oh god, the Grin, the mirror. Maybe I was going to die, it was in my lungs, it was in my hands. But how could it get to me if I was supposedly safe from it. I was pulled from my thoughts by his breath against my cheek.

"Thank you Juniper." my cheek was wet with his tear and my heart was speeding with his words.

scritch-scritch-scritch zooip; and music and he kissed my tear stained cheek, his tears.

Hey Jude don't make it bad

Maybe I would have to cry too because no one had ever come up with a better way to thank anyone and I was on the receiving end of it and it was perfect. The dry noise had been the record and I realised that it mustn't have been the first time he had let it play out where ever we were. Then I made a few tears of my own and I realised my head hadn't felt like mud in a long moment and now if my body wasn't full of dirty water I might be able to tell Sirius you're welcome.

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

He lay beside me, at my back and pulled me toward him;

"Please wake up."

Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid,

You were made to go out and get her

The minute you let her under your skin

Then you begin to make it better

My hands refused to move, as if every direction I asked them to bend was backward on a hinge. As if they just weren't built to move that way, or anyway. It was really very frustrating. Sirius hummed along with the tune. I felt like I was living the perfect life of someone else and that my punishment for trying to steal their life was to be locked in. My only home would become my new prison, my body. The only root I had.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,

don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

But I wasn't all root because I had another gift, magic. Magic was like wings and I felt so happy for a moment because I could remember something from when I was very young, when I couldn't tell the difference between my imagination and reality; that I used to think I was spending time with my Mother, and that my Mother lived in a room underneath the floor. I used to press my ear to the floor and she would whisper up; "Roots and wings, it is the best I can give you Juniper. Roots and wings."

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder

Hey Jude, don't let me down.

"But I have nowhere; no place else to fly too." I told the floor. "So what are wings for?"

You have found her, now go and get her.

Remember to let her into you your heart,

then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,

"it's the best I can give you." said the floor.

You're waiting for someone to perform with.

"I am going to go crazy on my own. If I loose you as well. You are the only person who makes me feel like there is a right way to do it. The only person who can protect me from doing the crime I should have been put away for right after I got out. When you aren't around I'm just bitter. I need you to bring me back." I knew that I wouldn't tell him that I heard him speaking if I ever woke up. If is such a scary word. If I wake up, if I don't die, if it all goes wrong, if he really cared then why wouldn't he say it to my face?

And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do

The movement you need is on your shoulder

A searing pain ran through my middle and I realised it had been a while since I had felt the tug and pull of the warm light through my middle. I tried to bring it out, to fill myself up with it, to puppet myself with it but it was like it was caught in something, like a web made of tar had bound it in place. My wand hit into the palm of my hand and I felt Sirius rise behind me;

"Juniper?" my hand wouldn't move to grip it and my mouth wouldn't move to answer as I felt like a bullet was somehow being shot through the centre of every which one of my bones at a time.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better,

remember to let her under your skin,

Then you'll begin to make it better

There was a crack somewhere far off in the house and Sirius's whole body seemed to flinch behind me.

Better better

"I think our time is up Jude, you are really gonna need to wake up now." I was pulled to sit up and like a high-tech baby doll my eyes opened as I sat up and the light attacked my eyes at first.

better better

"You really have some timing Malfoy, come on."

better better, oh.

He wrapped his hand around mine and pulled me from the bed, my feet hit the floor and I hissed with the sensation of pins and needles but my body remained upright. I looked at Sirius from the back as he pulled me out of what I realised must have been his old bedroom because, similar to Sirius, it was completely out of place in the house. The biggest give away, aside from all the naked girls and motor cycles and cigarette butts and the (hate to say how glorious) smell of him was the laughing photographs. I wondered if he laughed in photographs under every circumstance. I had enough figured to understand that a household like this wouldn't be caught dead with a picture with a young moustacheless Remus Lupin unless the young leather clad Sirius Black had something to do with it. Oh Black was really a very beautiful boy. I blushed, he had matured well too; oh the leather was just cruel! He tugged my wrist again in a get a move on gesture and caught me looking. I narrowed my eyes.

"What?" One gloating grin later I had the picture pocketed and we were half way down the hall smeared with blood which I remembered vaguely to be mine. Yup, there is were I smeared it into the carpet for delirious fun. On the wall were the runes I recognised from the inside of the mirror, written in blood because I am just that artistic. I stared at them until I heard a little pop which made goose bumps rise all the way up my arms and down to my legs. The song played out in the background;

Nananana nananana hey Jude.

I wished I had more cause to appreciate it but unfortunately I was too busy appreciating what a certain intrusive head would look like on a certain far more intrusive pike. Sirius let go of my hand and pointed his wand at the intruder;

"Where did you get that?" I asked eyeing the wand. Distracted for a moment before remembering the magnitude of the situation and pulling out my own wand; "it's actually not important just remember to remind me to ask again later cause I really do want to know.

"Jude." he said warningly and I nodded;

"What? I'm focussed, jeez, you try losing more blood then you knew you could fit in your body and come out the other side and not even lose focus for long enough to notice your fiancés…" he looked at me with his eyebrows raised and I closed my mouth. He shook his head and turned to face the other wizard who had just turned to face our end of the hall; oh splendid. Now he is going to grill me about the end of that statement until I can come up with a good enough lie to keep him happy.

"Stupefy!" Sirius sent a spell which was assumedly a hex at the intruder. The spell lit the other end of the hall as the wanker deflected the spell;

"I guess I am a bit rusty." mumbled Sirius glancing down at his wand.

"At least you have a nice bum." I said and then smiled conspiratorially. Ha! Now he couldn't try and get it out of me cause I had already told him! In retrospect that wasn't as genius as I had originally thought. Better follow it up with something hard core; stepping ahead of Sirius I pointed my wand and shot of pushy light toward the other end of the hall.

And you know I was really on to something before Sirius took the opportunity to pinch my bum.

"Sorry," I heard from behind me; "couldn't help myself." I laughed as I redoubled my effort to lash out at the idiot approaching up the hall. He wasn't laughing. Some people have absolutely no sense of humour.

A/N: thanks for reading! Please review


	38. Showing Off

A/N: Enjoy!

Chapter 38

Showing Off

I felt whole and strong. For a whole second of my life I didn't feel alone and I felt like Sirius was on my side, I was blushing and laughing and beating the hell out of the bane of my life all at the same time. I didn't think I had ever been happier all at once then I did with my toes wiggling against the carpeted floor stiff and stained with my own dried blood with my more or less my only surviving flesh and blood trying to wipe me off the face of the earth. Maybe I was mad, insane, crazy, all of those words which just sounded to me like a broken record. The Beatles continued to sing in the background and just as my insides seem to stutter and squirm against some sort of restrictive cave, like the tar net was back. Just as the light I was using to hold off Lucius stuttered disconcertingly as it illuminated the manic grin on my Uncles face and my heart began to pound with the eventual arrival of gut wrenching panic Sirius had his hand wrapped firmly around my wrist and I turned to him.

"Stop showing off love, let's get out of here." my chest heaved as my head span and my eyes closed for a moment as I inhaled slowly before nodding as I released a shaky breath in the dim light of the hall way. Sirius's eyebrows pressed together and I liked to think it was with concern because, well it would be nice, wouldn't it?

"Ruducto." I followed the shot from the end of Sirius's wand with my moderately unfocused eyes and I heard the curse of outrage from the other end of the hall as the roof released a cloud of dust and a crack split the ceiling. I watched confusedly as the split began to move up along the ceiling and clouds of flaked paint and pieces of plaster fluttered to the floor until a great groan seemed to come from somewhere far off in the house and creaked over us with the pressure. I looked straight a head. Lucius stared from his end of the hall. Icy eyes mad, lengthy light hair in disarray, broad build pinned perfectly into his tailored black robes. The caned sheath of his wand held in his right hand. His eye bored into mine and Sirius tugged on my wrist as I was transfixed. The cage pressing in on the power running up my middle seemed to convulse and although it really only happened in a heart beat and the roof came down and the crack in its structure reached as far as where Sirius and I stood. Whatever he was yelling became more urgent I could hear my heart beat in my head and the music seemed to warble on in the back ground. The contentment, the safety and the assuredness from the moment before seemed to fall out my shoes. Pressing my lips together I pointed my wand at Lucius and tried to shoot him away, it was fear. I was afraid. I shot him with more than I had, like a cornered animal. I didn't want to crumble and even though I could of just turned and run I couldn't leave with the fear, I couldn't leave feeling desperate.

The light seemed to slip around the edges of the net and out toward my wand but as it flew into the Ash wood in my hand it stopped as my fingers sprung open reflexively. My hand stung and my wand landed on the floor with a soft thud. I looked down at it as another second on the clock ticked by. I saw Sirius sweep down and scoop up my wand and I was pulled by the wrist to start running down the hall after Sirius. My legs moved below my cooperatively for once but I was detached. Pound pound pound, my heart, my footsteps, my head and my hand. My fingers curled in and out around themselves as I felt the absence of my wand, I felt something so very absent but as shot after shot of adrenalin ran through me it was like I had no time to think about it. To worry about it. The only thing I could see in my head were icy eyes, I scowled against the image as the walls collapsed in around Sirius and I.

We were in a kitchen and I turned to see Sirius talking to me. No wonder he looked so dashing, he had really nice shapes to all his face and he was wearing these nice black trousers that fit him really well. He looked at me and I smiled at him. He just continued to look worried but he had really nice eyes. I opened my mouth to say so but I was interrupted by the floor which was very suddenly right beside my face. I frowned at the musty carpet, it flew away from me quickly and I found myself thrown over the bothersome mans right shoulder.

"You know Sirius, in case you were wondering, these trousers fit equally well from the back." I felt him heave a sigh as I giggled lightly;

"You know what? You really know how to pick your moments." I responded with an upside down shrug as Sirius began to run us through the house.

I was set down on a mouldering moss green love seat a minute later as Sirius passed me my wand;

"Can you sit here and keep an eye on your wand in case you decide you want to function again for me love?" his sharp eyes searched my clouded ones meaningfully for a moment and I wondered what he was looking for. Deciding he might just need some support I scanned my brain for motivational titbits since I was apparently incapacitated by something or other;

"Even though I am apparently incapacitated by something or other Sirius, I have scanned my brain for motivational titbits and I want you to know that you are…" I pouted my lips out as I stared him down for a minute; "a real winner!" he looked at me in what seemed to be genuine shock for a moment with a slack mouth and everything before running his hand through his hair and pulling my wand from my hand; I felt my bottom lip move outward and moved it back in as it was uncouth,

"Thanks Jude, I think I might hold onto this for the time being though okay?" there was a crash by the door as Lucius smashed into the room.

He sent a hex toward Sirius which Sirius quickly deflected as he stood in front of me. I pressed my mouth into a line, I felt really nice. Like his protectiveness really showed that he cared. Spells smashed off all different parts of the room as Sirius and Lucius took shots at each other and yelled ridicule at each other. I wondered what was going to happen but my perception seemed to become less and less lucid, I felt woozy, from my woozy point of view it went a little like this;

"Aha you filthy scum you can't hide from Lucius Malfoy look at my hair." and then there were some explosions and Sirius was like; well firstly he looked really good and then he was like;

"You don't know what you are talking about you puffter;" he actually said that word and I laughed so much I almost fell of the chair. Lucius got caught on the shoulder by one of Sirius's shots and then I said;

"That's what you get when you come looking for trouble!" and then Lucius caught me with a spell put me in so much pain I almost passed out, then everything really kicked off. My back snapped into an S-bend and my bones felt all ripped up and my throat was torn and the pain of it was so unbearable. I screamed and clawed at the floor below me. My whole body felt like it was burning, I was on fire and I was going to melt and choke and die.

When I woke up I was by a lake, I lay on a coat over a pebble beach. The sky was blue with light white clouds, the shine disagreed with my eyes a little but my body felt so shaken and used that I couldn't complain, or I wouldn't as long I was lying down. I could smell copper and I knew it to be the deposits in the lake. I wondered why I hadn't reflected on that fact the last time I had been in a lake.

My first truly lucid non-bleary thought that I had had in who knows how long was the unfortunate realisation of what I had spent the better remembered parts of my not so lucid time saying and doing and just generally;

"Uuuugh." I moaned; a finger pressed over mouth and a little hiss followed up beside me;

"Too early Love." he mumbled drowsily and I nodded. He had a point and I quickly drifted back to sleep.

A/N: thanks for reading,

Please review!


	39. Legitimate Curiosity

A/N: Congratulations to Ms. TonksLupin for conquering her Sirius fic, this one goes out to you!

Enjoy!

Chapter 39

Legitimate Curiosity

Crunching pebbles and fluttering hands. My cheeks heated but a cool breeze brushed past the trees to shift across my fevered body. The brushing hands, the rustle of cloth, the hiss of skin, I was smiling wide. He was dazzling, I couldn't stop pinking every time I met his eye but when he smiled I couldn't look away. It was a real catch 22. The whisper of his breath when he said my name made me shiver. I was fast, my heart was fast and my lungs fought for all the air they could get. My insides twisted and for once it was in a good way. There was something different about the closeness but I couldn't control myself long enough to understand. Something was just beyond my reach, a clarity I craved but simply couldn't achieve. Sweet bright rapture and skin over compelling flesh. Then there was a different sort of shift and I opened my eyes a crack. The sun split in and I pouted. It wasn't real, I was dreaming, of course! He was asleep. I closed my eyes and for a moment I was back. We were smiling and laughing and we were close. What we were close to I had no idea but I knew that I needed whatever it was desperately. I needed the release. I was pulled out of the dream once more by a light tickle below my lip.

I sneezed through a dusty nose and lost the moment completely. I felt much of the dream slip out toward a place where I couldn't quite recollect and pouted. My tongue slipped over my dry bottom lip and I rubbed a hand across my eyes lazily. I scowled. That was anti climactic; I decided. Raising my head up a small amount I realised I had made a pillow out of Sirius's belly. Smiling I glanced up at his sleeping form surreptitiously before checking his belly for drool. All clear, I am the queen of sleep decorum! To bad I had no one to share it with, it seemed the sort of thing that would be ruined if I woke Sirius up to explain it to him. Nestling my head back along his abdomen I pulled my hair back around my shoulder. It was a dry clear chilled day but Sirius was obnoxiously hot as usual. I had been packed into a large dusty travelling cloak and laced into my boots. Thinking back to my dream I bit my lip. Even in my dreams he permeated everything. From my place below his chest I heard a low grumble in his throat and was jarred. Sitting up quickly I turned to face him. He continued to sleep soundly, I glanced at my hand hesitantly for a moment before stretching my fingers and breathing warm air over the frigid digits. Cautiously I slipped my hand below the edge of his (my) leather jacket and pressed my palm over his heart. I smiled as his heart raced beneath his inked in skin;

"I am onto you." I whispered and brought my face over his with my upper torso draped across his front.

The skin along his angular cheek bones was coloured lightly pink and he hummed lightly in his sleep as I followed the flushed trail with the edge of my mouth. I hummed back before shaking him lightly.

"Sirius." I whispered. Nothing. I smiled. Looking over the edges of the lake I took one last look at Sirius before telling him; "if you are awake Sirius you better tell me because if you are asleep I am going to hit you over the head with a rock and throw your corpse into the lake." I raised an eyebrow at him. Nothing. Satisfied I threw a glance toward Sirius's hip. Watching his face carefully I shifted my hand away from his heart and allowed my hand to run down toward his pelvis. Now cut me some slack! Can you even imagine? The curiosity was killing me and the opportunity was basically staring me in the face.

My hand rested at the edge of his black denim slacks. I braced myself and checking Sirius's face one more time I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut as I flicked the button loose. Opening my eyes and exhaling with the relief of what would have been a good successful step one. Unfortunately when I opened my eyes I was met with another set of considerably more bemused ones. Raising a remarkably well shaped black eyebrow Sirius smiled steadily; my hand seemed to realise it had been caught a moment later and quickly retracted toward my front.

Sirius glanced down and his smile grew;

"By all means Jodie continue, I want to see where you were going with that." I pressed my lips together and removed myself from Sirius with a dismissive huff. He chuckled and I heard the crunch of stone as he stood and as I regrettably turned to witness, stretch out his long fascinating limbs luxuriously. My mouth had fallen into a delicate oh. I closed it quickly and cleared my throat. Watching Sirius rebutton the button on his trousers, though slightly humorous, was over all mortifying. His grey eyes met mine and he brought his hand up to the level of his eyes as if he had been caught and he flashed these really white teeth;

"Please! Don't let me spoil your good work." he laughed. I pulled myself up to stand but my legs wobbled and I tipped forward. Sirius caught me at the elbow and I jerked away from him forcefully thereby falling bum first on the floor in front of him. He knelt in front of me and I put my face into my hands.

"My legs aren't working and those are terrible trousers." I told my hands petulantly and I heard the pebbles crunch beside me as Sirius sat down. His arm suddenly draped lazily over my shoulder and my mind seemed to brush past me with blurred disconnected moments from my time spent blissfully unaware of embarrassing mental tie related ramifications in dream land earlier. He smelt fantastic. I bet even a horse would be impressed.

"Good to know you are back to yourself Malfoy. Trying to corrupt my innocence and passing it off as an issue you have taken up regarding my dress sense." I elbowed him because I felt it was the mature thing to do. "Yup," he blurted in a strained just-elbowed voice as he retracted his arm, "you know; earlier when you were all discombobulated; you were dropping compliments like nobodies business. It was really very worrying." I pursed my lips and then turned to look at him. Bad idea, his cheeks were still kind of blotched with pink and I wondered if it was the cold. I smiled coquettishly while crinkling my nose a little;

"You seemed a bit more loose lipped yourself when I was asleep." I raised one eyebrow, even if I did look like a crazy twitchy freak Sirius would only laugh and I liked when he laughed, I guess I felt well adjusted enough with Sirius to trust his reactions. It was comforting. I was still not going to tell him that though, speaking of not telling him things, wasn't that one of those things. My eyes widened with his;

"Shoot." I murmured and my hand flew to my mouth.

"But you were unconscious!" came Sirius's reply. At least he didn't mention the eyebrow. I shrugged and stood up off the ground.

"Was I?" I asked and his mouth dropped I turned away from him and surveyed the area;

"You little minx!" he hissed and I rolled my eyes; I noticed a satchel on the ground; I reached for my wand and then stared at my empty hand confusedly. I put my arm out in front of me and pulled for my wand again but this time I felt like someone had lined a hook around my middle and pulled me back as I stumbled on the spot. My hand remained empty, I straightened and turned to Sirius. He was looking at me with a small frown.

"I assume you aren't actually practicing to be a mime over there." Sirius said as he came to stand in front of me, placing hand on each shoulder he turned me slightly to each side as he looked me up and down.

"What's wrong?" he asked and I showed him my hand.

"Well I keep trying to summon my wand but I can't seem to find it." he frowned with me and slid his hand in to his back pocket. He held my ash wand out to me and I just kind of looked at it as I remembered.

"Before we left the house, my insides got stuck and it jumped out of my hand." I explained as Sirius began to run his hand along the back of his neck;

"I have been meaning to ask you, what's the story regarding you and magic?" I bit my lip and met his eye;

"Dumbledore called me a sorceress, Ollivander said I have an affinity for wands and uhm, another friend of mine said I'm a seer like my Mum." I frowned at my wand in Sirius's hand; I pushed his arm away by the wrist and started toward the satchel;

"and I never went to wizarding school." I said as I pulled out the contents of the bag. A red and spotted one piece short top thing was the first thing I pulled out. The cut at the top curved like a heart and it buttoned along the front with white buttons. I turned to look at Sirius as I held it up for him to see; he shrugged;

"I couldn't stand to dress you in mothers clothes so I just took some of the stuff left over in my room." my where-did-you-get-this expression didn't change and he rolled his eyes;

"I had a prank planned for some muggle clothes. I was going to transfigure them to look like witches robes and then have it so that after and hour they would switch back. It was dumb, I used to always try and think of ways to sabotage my mothers dinner parties. It seemed as good a method as any. Lucky I got out of there before things had to go that far." he smiled like he was some sort of rebel without a cause and I gave him a look of condescension before turning back to the satchel;

"Good to know." I responded. The pin up short-top thing was placed aside for a moment as several T-shirts emerged. One with the cartoon dog Scooby-Doo on it. I smiled to myself as I continued. A skirt cut with a puff, a crop top with a strange heavy pattern on it, a pair of black trousers that looked to small to fit anyone ever and a striped shirt with sunflowers on it. I blushed a little as I realised the crop top was actually a vintage bra. This was followed by some knickers. I nodded in the affirmative as I shoved them back in the bag and rooted around more. Another pair of jeans like the ones Sirius was wearing at that moment and a black tarp bag emerged from the satchel.

"I didn't grow up knowing about magic." I threw it out to encourage the flow of conversation but I also knew I was breaching out unspoken rules. Disregarding the taboo. Sirius dropped beside me and sat with crossed legs as I opened the buttoned closed bag.

"Why didn't you go to Hogwarts when you got your letter?" He asked and I tried to hide my delight as I shrugged, I was so pleased to speak with him this way;

"I didn't get one." there was a scissors and a comb and a small bar of soap in the bag and I laid them out on the ground as I continued to forage through it.

"No, I mean your letters you received telling you about Hogwarts. Why didn't you respond?" I stopped rooting for a moment and looked at Sirius;

"I" I looked at him and nodded as if to ask if he understood and continued slowly. "did not" I shook my head to show this as I then mimed taking something off of someone; "get one." I turned back to the bag on my lap as Sirius made a "pfft" noise;

"Everyone gets one." I turned to him again with haughty derision;

"Not everyone." he looked as if he was going to say something more but I shook my head no; "Its rude to interrupt Sirius; anyway, I had no indication what so ever of the existence of magic at all" I gave him a look which dared him to contradict me, he mimed zipping his lips shut and throwing away the key and I smiled a little. "until Dumbledore came to the orphanage where I grew up and told me all about it." the little bag also contained a blade, a little pot of ink and a black tube.

"Well why didn't you get a letter?" he asked and I slapped my hand to my forehead in exasperation even though really I was pleased.

"I was just asking." he muttered and I threw a pair of knickers at him.

A/N:

Thanks for reading and please review!


	40. Hot and Cold

Chapter 40

Hot and Cold

"Did I not already tell you about my parents and the monster and the need to be hidden?" I asked as he held the knickers out to me wearing a roguish smile;

"What?" I turned the black tube I had found around in my hands before turning to Sirius and delivering a sardonic expression;

"There is this evil thing out to get us and the only reason it can't get to me is because I am engaged to you, in fact that is the only reason I am engaged to you. I still don't know what is so special about old fashioned bindings but anyway; when I turned seventeen I was findable. It's kinda like a malevolent spirit. It should really be one of the unseen forces of the world. To you it's probably just a tool of destiny. It causes what appear to be chance deaths and insanity. The only reason it's real or tactile to me is because I have this seer thing. I can see it coming. Or maybe I'm just crazy."

"What?" he asked and I put the little bag down.

"It's difficult to explain, it's almost like an omen is after me, us. I'm a glitch in destiny and it's this monsters job to rub me out."

"You're not a glitch Jude." He was going to say more but I gave him a look which said both thankyou and shutup.

"How long do you think we'll be safe here before they find us?" I asked, not really knowing where in the world we were.

"I don't know," he cast his eyes over the valley lake,"I cast some spells to keep in some heat as well as a disillusionment charm and some repelling jinxes. Plus this location is as remote as they come. I don't think this body of water even has a name." I nodded thoughtfully, counting the days since Tonks had showed up at my flat to announce that Remus has finally professed his love. Finally...

"Good news!" I smiled as I noted the date and shifted to place a kiss on Sirius' mouth. I had really intended it to be chaste but as I began to move away Sirius had his arm around my back and had turned me around to lie across his lap in a sort of movie kiss. It was quite romantic really, my mind spat images of my dream from the night before into my head and my heart picked up as my cheeks flushed. Being Sirius he wasted no time in laying me down toward the ground and turning his body so that one of his legs rested between mine. Our mouths didn't separate and I once again felt the thrill of it. The forbidden stolen act of kissing, the thrill of breaking the rules. I hummed lowly and I felt Sirius graze my bottom lip with his tooth. His thigh rested between mine seemed to catch on my core and little snaps of shuddering pressure ran through my muscles. I was frazzled. Sirius's hot breath flew over my mouth as we moved our lips together explicitly. His soft lips encompassed my fat puckered bottom one and I felt his tongue run over it gently. I felt my body melt a little as my brain seemed to give up on reminding me that we had important things to do. In that moment it seemed I had nothing else on the agenda. His hand caught on my hip and pulled my weight down against his leg with an eased force that I couldn't seem to conjure myself. The friction seemed lonely on its own as my head flew back with the shot running through me, the heat and I was just so full of the pressure. Sirius planted a kiss along my pulse as it raged through my throat. He mercilessly repeated the action as the tension built further, I bucked with confused frustration and despite how infuriating the experience was becoming I couldn't get enough of it .

"Ah" I crooned, I was so past reserve as my skin flushed. I cursed the thick travelling cloak Sirius had me draped in and even though there was a bitter breeze running over the lake I felt like I needed to loose the layer. With his free hand Sirius pulled my face back to his and I slipped my tongue over the seam of his lip curiously. Even at this point my mind was still present enough to paint a blush across my cheeks when Sirius released a groan deep and low in response to my shy exploration. The single broad and catching vowel I heard caused my nerve endings to tingle more then anything Sirius had elicited from me so far. I felt like I had won a marathon and had just been afforded drive enough for one hundred extra miles. I was beginning to perspire even in the cold as Sirius continued to work like a pressure cooker. The smell of him. The soft sinuous feel of him. Still unable to decode his reason for allowing me this closeness in his arms, I felt more in his confidence when he sucked lightly on my lip then when he had cried into my hair. Like each movement was a little secret he wanted to tell me. My hands caught up along his jaw and fanned across his neck as I pulled him closer.

I wanted more, felt a need to return his confidence. I craved his understanding, I wanted him to like the parts of me I didn't want him to know about. I felt slightly weak, like I was made of jelly. I wanted to touch him but I felt as though I barely had the decorum or energy to just be touched never mind focus well enough to return the favour but the third stroke he made across my core caused my heart to contract forcefully and my ears almost popped as my back rolled; the moment was so erotic that my body seemed to finally decide that more noise was going to need to be heard coming from Sirius. Even his quickened breath worked to bring me into a state of rapture. It made me feel more like a woman than anything else when he gave under my hand.

My left hand shifted slowly down to his shoulder and pushed him lightly; his mouth moved away from mine and my lips instantly pouted in his absence until he began to trail more sunny little kisses along the delicate skin at the corner of my jaw

"Sirius?" I pressed out in a low altercation; "Ah;" I exclaimed breathily as Blacks smiling mouth nibbled on my ear. There really was a wrongness that sort of dislocated my mind whenever he did that. I mean, he just bit the side of my ear, never in a million years did I think anyone would touch my ear yet there he goes pulling lightly with the heat of his pouted lips; I steeled myself for a moment before speaking again "Sirius, hold on." he stilled and relinquished me in a moment. I smiled in relief for just that moment before a feeling of thorough dissatisfaction ran through my from all angles. My body seemed to tense up slightly as if its release had been stolen from it. I felt its pain; I looked up into Sirius's eyes, he looked kind of halfway between surprised and contrite.

As if he was being scolded for something he thought he would get away with. I smiled up at him and removed my hand from him to let them stretch over my head as I yawned in a fashion that could have been called on as teasing faux eroticism. Which it kinda was.

When I met his eye Sirius looked at me expectantly. His mouth looked raw, his eyes full, a slight flush was creeping up his neck under my gaze. I maintain that eyelashes like his really had no place on his obstructively masculine features but they really had me further mesmerised as I once again admired his features. I really had to stop staring, he enjoyed it to much, he really was vain. Surreptitiously shifting my leg I smiled detachedly. I saw Sirius form his mouth into a small "o" a moment before I had him flipped onto his back.

Hovering above where he rested intimately between my shaking legs in the most incredible and scandalous way I leaned close to his face. I smiled impishly as I took his hands in mine and pulled them to rest above his head. I laced my fingers in his and dropped my weight against him purposefully, my mouth fell open as the tension through me increased beyond comprehension. I kept my eyes on Sirius and he smiled up at me. It felt like a challenge. Pressing a chaste kiss to Sirius's top lip I released his hands and placed mine on his front before pulling his bottom lip into my mouth with indelicate curiosity.

His unapologetic growl as I bit into him and pulled lightly only made me feel further debauched but as usual when his hands found my hips to pull me closer I was passed caring. I remembered the taste of him then. The intoxicating flavour. My breath came fast, my mind was on the blink and I felt as if I wouldn't be able to hold out much longer for the life of me. I felt like I was going to split at the seams. The outline of Sirius's more masculine anatomy seemed to fit snugly against me through his jeans as I realised that our feverish grappling must have shifted enough of the cloaks I wore out from under me, leaving my knickers to cover me as the only separation between me and Sirius's damned jeans. As Jude had warned; the light cotton seemed to be suspiciously damp and I felt a deep blush travel across my cheeks as I realised this. I needed to regain some of myself.

Decisively; I slowed my fevered kisses to a gentle tug and pull; with Sirius it was easy as he initiated his careful and measured responses comfortably. He really caught on fast. I hoped our new slowed pace would allow for my heart to relax as opposed to fluttering like a frightened bird. I also thought it would help loosen some of the tension built up between my legs and tingling in my frazzled nerve endings but instead the erotic deep movement seemed to make me ache. My breath rasped, my eyebrows pressed together and I swore that Sirius's heart was thumping harder then ever under the palm of the hand I had pressed to his chest. It was at this moment that I noticed the path of my other hand as it worked on the buttons of the cloak Sirius had dressed me in. regaining my sense in minimally that respect I shifted my hand to instead rest beside Sirius and I but of course I then realised that I had very well gotten all the buttons.

Unaware of the serious lack of boundary between us Sirius once again ground his hips up against mine and my heart stuttered.

"Ooh." I moaned deeply before biting into my lip to quiet myself. My hand curled into a fist around the materiel of Sirius's shirt as I fell away from his mouth and rested my head against his chest. That was a feeling I had not expected. I took a deep breath but his scent and being pressed flush against him as I was really wasn't helping. It was hard to gauge how long we had been kissing for but I was feeling incredibly light headed at that point.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked him confusedly. I felt him release a snuffly little laugh and I frowned to myself before pulling myself upright. Sirius brought himself up on his elbows and raised an eyebrow at me. He really had to stop doing that to me even if it was endearing.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked and I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. The pebbles crunched as Sirius turned me over again. I looked up at him sternly;

"It is rude to answer a question with a question." I told him and he smiled down at me; he slipped closer to me and spoke right into my ear;

"Do you not think it's nice?" he asked and I felt a little silly as I responded;

"I do but.."

"No buts;" a great flow of heat ran like water across my skin when he kissed the side of my cheek by my ear; "it's just that simple." I frowned, still confused and looked over to the side to see the round grey pebbles just below the level of my head. There were ferns and trees off the side of the lake as well as reeds and things. It was similar to the lake we had been at before if not slightly smaller. And this one seemed more like a flow part of a river as the water fed gently out its other side. The air was crisp and fine and;

My thoughts were interrupted by a sigh of frustration and I turned to face Sirius;

"Jesus Malfoy, talk about hot and cold." I blanched;

"What?" I blurted and Sirius was suddenly standing up and pacing. He tugged at his hair and I watched him from the ground;

"I might as well not even be here." he exclaimed and I pushed myself upright;

"I'm sorry Sirius." he stopped pacing and looked at me incredulously;

"Do you even know what you are apologising for?" he asked temperamentally and I squinted as I thought about it;

"No." I answered and looked at my boots; "I just don't know how to do anything right." I admitted quietly and I heard him snort from where he stood. It wasn't very attractive.

"That's rich." he said, he had his back to me and I scowled at the leather. It was a little easier to talk to his back;

"I'm scared." I told him and I felt frightened just saying it; he turned to me; his jaw set and his eyes flashing;

"Why would you kiss me and then ask me why I was kissing you? I mean come on" he sneered; "you were practically gagging for it." I pressed my lips together and stood up; we were obviously having two completely separate conversations. But then I remembered why I had kissed him;

"My goodness gracious Black you are so unbelievably arrogant." he rolled his eyes;

"You really need to curse more, who the fuck to you think you are Doris fucking Day? Because trust me, women who say "goodness gracious" don't insist on topping five minutes before hand!"

"and men who have any measure moral calibre don't think that they can solve any problem a girl has just by allowing them the great gift of sleeping with you, to be completely honest I haven't actually got that much interest in bucking on the ground with you for hours on end, despite what you might think you buffoon!" I stomped toward him with every intention of giving a clear example of just how chaste that damned session of kissing would have been if he hadn't started rutting up against my leg like an overly exuberant unneutered puppy.

"Buffoon?" he asked in mock hurt and I sneered before reaching him and pushing some wayward strands of my wind frazzled ash blond hair behind my ear. I grabbed the lapels of Sirius's coat and moved onto my toes to plant a singular soft kiss onto his pliant lips. Our mouths met gently before I pushed him off of me roughly and stepped back as he stumbled a bit;

"That was genuinely all I had intended to do! I wasn't the one swooping you onto the ground to have at it. I just wanted to wish you a damned Happy Christmas. Now please stop trying to accuse me of being your harlot and please, just calm down. I'm sorry, ok? please just be on my side Sirius; I'm scared." he groaned in frustration and turned his back to me again.

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review


	41. Hope

Chapter 41

Hope

I wished that life was just different enough for me to have somewhere to go and cry for a minute in a place Sirius wouldn't notice. I didn't care how many times he saw me cry as long as he never saw me crying over him. I just wouldn't be able to handle that. Knowing I couldn't escape him in the undergrowth by the lake I turned to the lake itself; having already undone the latch of the large cloak I simply slipped out of it. I was cold. I would have used my wand to hide myself or hide my tears or warm my skin but it seemed that that wasn't an option;

Pulling my blood stained rune cloak over my head I stood in my shamefully damp cotton knickers. Sirius still had his back to me. I bent and rummaged for the vintage bra from earlier and slipped it on, not wanting to seem like I was "gagging for it" as Sirius had so eloquently put it.

A tear slipped down on my cheek and I wiped it away fearfully before turning to Sirius like I had just been caught out but he hadn't seen it. I couldn't have it if he had lost any respect for me. Sirius stood with his hands on his hips staring at the ground. For once a sneaky look at his bum didn't make me feel any better, I bit my lip, maybe a teensy bit better. I wondered what he was thinking about as I kicked off my boots. I was half frozen but it felt good, bracing against my flushed skin.

Walking to the still waters edge I stepped in carefully. The pebbles under the water shifted more loosely under my feet and I struggled slightly to keep my balance. The cold attacked my feet but I smiled widely as I watched the rings of water move away as they were disturbed, I liked to think they were carrying little messages about me to the rest of the water; "there is a girl climbing in" says one little ripple; "knock her over;" say the mischievous one; "warm up a bit she must be cold;" says the considerate one; "hey that's not a crop top it's a bra!" said the one that was most like me. I waded out as far as my knees and giggled lightly. I wonder if the messages would make it all the way out to the sea or if the sea is so confused because by the time it gets out that far its like Chinese whispers and all the ocean hears is nonsense. I liked the bra, it covered most of my gored side. Glancing at my torso however I noticed a small issue.

A familiar set of runes were wrapped around my belly like an angry red belt; the letters were like blood stains but were imbibed into my skin like sealed wax. I thought of the cage I had felt around the light in my middle and bit my lip as I allowed my hand to float across the top of the symbols which I had seen in the mirror the day before; I didn't dare touch them. Was this why I couldn't do anything? I had been able to fight Malfoy at first; it was when I saw his eyes; nothing really went completely my way after that. After my wand spat itself onto the floor.

My sense of whimsy was long gone, I had also forgotten to be upset about Sirius and as I turned to where he stood I realised he was looking through the gaps in the trees calling me. Confused that he hadn't looked over at the water I glanced down at it for a moment. The water below me had stilled and I realised Jude was below me;

"Oh my God Jude thank God" but something was wrong, of course there had to be something wrong. She didn't answer she only shook her head and pointed to her mouth; leaning in closer I saw that her lips were stained the same as my skin;

"You can't talk?" I asked and she shook her head and did a large disconcerting smile;

"The Grin?" I asked and she nodded before miming cutting her throat; she then made an x across her mouth with her finger and pointed to my stomach before doing the same.

"The Grin dies, and the runes?" she drew the x's again.

"Are cancelled?" she shrugged and nodded as if to show that that was her best guess. I stared at the runes on my belly, I didn't even know it was possible for a creature like the Grin to die;

"What are mine for?" I asked but some pebbles beneath my right foot shifted and she was gone when the disturbed water settled. The next moment I was stabbed with cold from every angle as I slipped and went under. I had expected my bum to hit the bottom considering I had only waded out as far as my knees. No such luck. I could see my reflection again as my body stilled of its own shivering, cold accord. On the shining silvery underneath of the surface of the water I stared down at myself. Her arms extended as I reached for top side.

My stomach jerked. Glancing down I saw the runes floating off me like rope in the blur of being underneath the water and as things are inclined to do in my life it all went downhill from there.

The rope shifted as if drawn to something and then suddenly it was like an invisible force had grabbed the other end to drag me below. My guess was the runes were something that the Grin could use to get to me. It couldn't touch me but it could touch the runes. But then how did the damned monster paint them on? How did it do anything, like when it drew the on the inside of the mirror in the first place. Or when it made me write them again in real life. I mean it obviously had something to do with that but the Grin wasn't supposed to be able to get to me as long as I was bound to Sirius. And just so many questions, and now I didn't have Jude to answer them. Realising that the shards of cold making my blood lazy in my veins seemed to have ruined more or less any chance I had of keeping with my surroundings I noticed that my head hurt from the depth of the water.

"A vessel of the light;

Should not die doing what is right;

Though evil has your strength in ropes;

You can still be strong with hope.

May you look with your true sight;

And know not to give up the fight."

It was a song, with a chorus and everything, it was like listening to a song in a cave being sung by young voices with old souls. When I opened my eyes I saw light divulging through the greenish water which I was very much submerged in. There was a figure near me and I saw when I looked down, my own pale feet and that the runes had bound onto a rock. I could not breath, my lungs were full of water. My head and eyes felt ready to crack with the pressure. I was so cold that I could barely move. Yet I did not drown. My body was on the very brink of death, I knew it. Yet I would not die. Was this it? Was this me surviving because the Grin couldn't kill me? My hair floated around me and I thought detachedly that this was a very pretty place to die. The song began again and the figure seemed to barely have to gesture to cover the considerable space between us. It was there humanesque eyes with the mouth of a trout, with little whiskers and everything. It held a spear. I still didn't die. Its mouth was slightly agape and I knew it was part of the chorus of singing.

I suppose vessel of the light was as good away as any to describe being a sorceress. Since I wasn't going to drown to immediately I carefully lifted my arm which I couldn't really feel and extended it to the singer to shake hands. It flinched back and then I felt its delicate soft webbed appendage wrap all the way around my hand and as it did it let do of its spear and placed the other over my eyes.

Of course then I really saw. I saw the dulcet light centred in the being in front of me and its filtered connections toward the similar light occupying the lake. When I looked down I saw a black tar like viscous fluid arguing with the barely corporeal light in my middle, the fly out connection from my heart toward the surface which I knew to be attached the that of Sirius Black. And then I saw as the voices rang out around how each one of the connected in a stream and shifted to make connections to where my hand joined the singer in front of me. I nodded slowly, to spot connections and pattern in the web. Looking ahead I saw it all reflected back down to me and I saw all the connections twice. Strong with hope. I saw my the reflected glimmer of my own shine in the smoky limitless view of the world. Where everything seemed less pinned down. More malleable and less tactile. Reaching up toward my reflection, a silvered thread suddenly snapped to connect us and smiling I flowed through it. I was looking down at myself from the top a moment later and feeling less like I should be dead. I let the light of the sun show me what was around me instead of the light of every other soul, tree or creature. I was lying face down in the water and when I looked down I saw the runes wrapped around the rock and similar to a moment from Peter Pan though I had escaped through the other light it seemed I had switched places with my reflection in the way, though there was no second Juniper visible below there was something else. Behind where the runes reached to strangle nothing cast along the ground in the greenish light there was a distinctly me shaped shadow.

As my curiosity peaked I was momentarily distracted from the fact that it seemed like the water was once again making its way into my airway as I looked below. Flipping to float on my back a I spluttered uselessly. My head span, my limbs shook and now I thought, now that it wasn't the Grin trying to kill me but just my idiocy in lying curiously for a minute and a half face down in an English lake in the middle of winter, I thought that this might be the part where I actually die. My sluggish mind was really quite resigned to it before I felt a fin hand brush along the side of my arm. Sighing I remembered that I was bound to weakness unless I had the will to hope or something according to the singers who were really going out of there way to help me out which I did appreciate. So I tried not go asleep and put in great efforts to hope. Seriously, did everyday have to go this way? I set my jaw determinately in an attempt to increase my level of hopefulness. The thing below me reached up its frog skinned yet still scaly hand to the right of my head, it was holding its spear and at first I wasn't very amazed by this until the spear released a great shot of water into the air which was followed by the sound of a great battle trumpeting horn. What a cool contraption I thought and then it was gone as soon as it came leaving barely a ripple in its wake as somewhere not so far away I heard Sirius;

"Malfoy?" he was calling over the water and then there was some splashing and my limbs were past hurting so I just waited for him to come get me. I hoped he hadn't called me Malfoy because he was still upset with me. A few drops of water landed in my eyes as I stared at the sky. I assumed it was Sirius's sloppy swimming but when I turned around Sirius wasn't there.

"Fuck." I moaned a I was met by the maw of a giant menacing black dog. My voice came out cracked and broken and I just closed my eyes. Where was Sirius and why had he let someone set a dog on me? It barked and I flinched as it caught the side of the strap of my bra and began to swim with surprising ease. I just huffed and decided to go with it.

Sooner than expected the water was shallow enough for the dog to walk in and I felt my lagging arm brush against the pebble bank below the water. A gust of wind whipped past the valley and my skin stung with the cold.

"Sirius?" I hissed and to my annoyance the dog nudged the side of my face with his stupid dog nose. I wondered if it was Sirius's idea to send a dog and if he thought it would be funny. Go fetch!

Then a human hand eventually graced my face and I didn't have to look to know it was him considering that no one can actually generate heat, no wonder considering he wouldn't risk swimming in the cold water even if it meant I got eaten by his handy rescue dog.

"Juniper?" I was lifted from the water and my body was just complete dead weight. I was dizzy. When Sirius placed me on the black cloak I instantly rolled onto my stomach and began to splutter and cough. A lungful of water later I rolled back onto my back and began to take deep rasping breaths. I felt a wand press into my side meanly and after a while of incessant poking Sirius leaned over the spot he had been casting spells on and breathed out a great warm breath of air. To my great relief the heat from the spot seemed to role out across my entire body, fighting out the ice from each of my fingers and toes one after the other. I felt almost normal then. My body continued to shake violently and my eyes were irritated from the water but other than that I felt warm and lucid. Sirius looked at me in grim concentration and then flicked his wand to dry my hair. I sat up creakily;

"No, no. Lie down!" I shot him a look and continued to straighten my posture. He opened his mouth again but I waved him off.

"Thank you." I smiled wanly and then remembered before turning to scowl at him; "for the aftercare not for sending some mongrel into the lake to fish me out!" I rubbed my eyes with the heels of my hands and looked up blinking blearily a few times. At this point I realised that Sirius was wearing very little and dripping wet. He also looked slightly miffed. How could I have forgotten about his distracting body. His chest heaved with each breath and I took a moment to appreciate the fine line of hair running down toward his soaked black shorts before looking back into his dark eyes. Seriously didn't need anymore of the raised eyebrow stuff either.

"Do you see a dog?" I pressed my lips together and shook my head. He rolled his eyes and stood up. Taking a few steps back and switching his weight on his feet gingerly Sirius took a few breaths as if he was going to jump off a roof or something. And he did jump and then he landed and he was dog; I wondered if I would ever find my eyebrows again they were so far up in my hair line.

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review


	42. Christmas and The Meaning of Life

Chapter 42

Christmas and the meaning of life

Switching my weight around so that I was kneeling, I watched as Sirius sat down and looked back at me, head tipped to the side, tail slightly wagging. I smiled.

"Question," I crawled over to the dog curiously before resting back onto my knees. "are you a man that turns into a dog or a dog that turns into a man?" the dog shifted a little on its paws and I looked into his grey eyes. The dog shivered lightly and a moment later I was on my knees directly in front of a wet and almost naked Sirius Black. I looked up and met his eye, slightly taken aback. He smiled down at me;

"Sometimes I wonder that myself." He said matter-of-factly and I coloured slightly thinking he could some how see into my debauched mind before realising he was answering my question from the moment before. God he really was something to behold. I bit my lip and looked away; he chuckled and knelt down in front of me. A dog, it made sense.

"Well thanks for fishing me out of the lake as well then." I sighed and noticed I could see my breath. We were approaching dusk and another shiver let loose across me. He hummed lightly and I turned to look at him, his eyes seemed so conflicted. I knew that since we had been caught and he had found a wand that, he had no real reason to stay with me. Unless you count the false engagement that was supposedly keeping me safe, not that it had kept the Grin away so far. Thinking that he might leave scared me. I wouldn't be able to deal with Lucius and the monster on my own. Or the aurors, I suppose there was still that. I had still broken him out of jail and I saved him from that dementor but recently in the last few hours it hadn't been me doing all the saving.

I wondered when we would have saved each other enough times to live happily ever after and how many times we would have to kiss for it to be true loves kiss. As I met his gaze I ran my tongue across my lips unthinkingly, I suppose there was only one way to find out.

He caught me top lip gently and I closed my eyes as he held it for a moment in the unbearable blood boiling heat of his soft mouth. An entirely different sort of shiver racked my body as my heart picked up and Sirius pulled away slowly;

"Merry Christmas Love." with my eyes still closed I could appreciate the deep rumbling tone in which he spoke. I really needed to take more time to appreciate all the things about Sirius, it seemed like there wasn't a thing about him that didn't make my knees weak and my vagina fever start up.

"Merry Christmas." I said as I opened my eyes and ran my hand through my magically dried hair. I looked at my hair for a moment and then turned to Sirius incredulously;

"Did you style my hair?" I asked good-naturedly;

"I just thought;" he shrugged; "you know, while I was at it." I rolled my eyes and pinched his arm;

"While you were at it!" I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I stood up to stretch; I was unfortunately interrupted mid casual faux erotic stretch when Sirius pinched my bum. I let out a little squeak and turned around quickly. Sirius caught me mid spin by the wrist and span me again and I laughed as he pulled me close. Swaying lightly as he placed one hand high on my bare back and held both our other hand out beside us. I looked up at his ridiculous grinning face and rolled my eyes before resting my hand on his shoulder;

"We are both going to die of chronic pneumonia." I told him as he span us around on the pebble beach. He shook his head;

"Tell that to nine years in Azkaban." he said jokingly but I could here him making light of something he took seriously. I knew what that sounded like, I did it all the time.

"Ten years," I corrected and then rested my head on his chest; "They never turned the heater on in Pembride either."

"Are you seriously comparing a muggle orphanage to Azkaban prison?" he asked incredulously and I moved to look at him again;

"Are you seriously expecting me to dance around in wet underwear until the end of what ever song you are rattling off in you head? Because mine already finished."

"It's rude to answer a question with a question." he pointed out and I smiled;

"Well I'm not exactly fucking Doris Day." I laughed as he span me around again;

"I should hope not," he pulled me in close from the spin; "as my fiancé I wouldn't want you to be fucking anyone." I hummed as Sirius dropped me into a low dip

"That's a pity." I responded while smirking up at him challengingly as he swept us back up to stand; I stepped back from him a bit and curtsied;

"Thank you for the dance Mr. Black." I said with false decorum considering I stood in my knickers and he in his. He took my mutilated left hand in his and kissed it softly; just that made my hearts pace double;

"Pleasure's all mine Lady Malfoy." I rolled my eyes and pretended not to be phased by his silly gentlemanly gesture but it really did make my brain go blank for a moment too long.

I walked over to the piled of clothes and bent to pick up the scissors and comb before turning to Sirius;

"Come on then." I said, turning to him but he had turned his back to me; I crinkled my brow;

"What's the issue? You got to style my hair." I pointed out from several feet behind him. He had his hands in his hair again and I heard him exhale heavily a moment later;

"Its nothing," he did a sort of laugh and I wrinkled my nose;

"Oh." my skin tinted red. Shaking my head lightly I coughed unnecessarily; "Right, well, just come over here so I can cut your hair." smiling mischievously as Sirius made to turn around I turned and began to dig through the satchel once more.

"I don't think your beard needs any work but I should never have let you cut your own hair. The back is all uneven." I tried to keep the laughter out of my voice. I straightened up as I heard the stones crunching behind me. I decided no to mention that he had asked me to straighten out the back for him but I had been trying to be his friend at the time. This meant keeping atleast a yard between us wherever possible.

"You have a sick sense of humour." he hissed into my ear and my laugh bounced like a ring across the crisp lake as I shrugged; Sirius turned me around roughly as he pulled me close into his arms. My laugh died down as my cheeks coloured; he didn't look especially amused.

"I have no idea what your talking about Black." I ground out through my mirth and he chuckled lowly and kissed my cheek. For some reason the simple gesture shut me right up. I cleared my throat and moved away. I snipped the scissors once more;

"Haircut!" I said affirmatively and Sirius rolled his eyes as he settled himself on the ground. When he turned his back I put my hand on my tingling cheek and smiled. I summoned my wand to me and it actually moved into my hand, relief broke over me like a wave while I looked at it in my hand and tried to warm the air around us experimentally. Sirius sighed, I sighed. I made the air a little too warm in a bid to keep Sirius in his underwear.

A/N:Thanks for reading, I hoped you liked it and please review!


	43. Parrot

Chapter 43

Parrot

Look away. Nothing.

Come on, work with me. My eyes seemed to have an agenda on there own as my brain seemed too clear except for the ongoing conflict.

Look away! Instead my hands seemed drawn toward the neatly trimmed facial hair and more or less tamed tresses of my absurd and unlikely companion. To his eyes dancing with unlaughed laughter and his mouth pulled up ready to tease me over my lack of control. I couldn't help it. I was whatever the body version of speechless is. I had thought I would smarten him up not sexy him up. I scowled as I ran my fingers into his hair. Running his chin length waves through my fingers as if to check for even ends, as if I was scowling in concentration and not because I had just opened myself up for further opportunity to drop all station of decorum.

When I left Pembride I had expected magic, I really had. I have always belonged to story books, really. I just never thought it would be this sort of magic, or this sort of story I would end up in. When I was a wand makers apprentice I felt like I was onto something more sensible. I had prospects like I never thought I would. But it was like Dumbledore said, it was my job as an adult to make my choices and choose where I would go. I had made it quite clear to myself and more ashamedly everyone else that a job was not a part of that job. I have to stop saying job, anyway despite how ridiculous the decision obviously was and how ludicrously he made me behave and despite how obscene and arrogant he was, all the damned time. I maintain that Sirius was the best decision I ever made.

Am I salivating? Over a haircut? I narrowed my eyes as I shifted closer, maintaining the pretence of completing my work. He smelt incredible too, life really had a funny sense of humour. It couldn't have just have one road, could it? One aspect? A setting and a costume and a goal? Note that they are all singular. Not a new hiding place everyday, more players, more façades and mysteries and stupid disguises and so many goals to complete. I felt like no matter how many things I ticked off my list the list still exceeded its original bounds.

Adventures aren't nice, they are really very scary. I would read about them and I wouldn't say I wanted it, I never wanted it to be my life on the line but I suppose my life was on the line the whole time, it was just on hold. This was just a beginning that led into a whole lotta middle. Like I had thought but just not how I had expected. How could I have guessed that somewhere out there was a piece of wood that when waved by me could fight off the illustrious ever growing list of enemies that I had seemingly had all the while? How was I to know that the girl I thought looking back out me out of the mirror every once and a while wasn't a product of a staple diet of sugar and storybooks? And dear God knows why no one thought to warn me that not only was kissing something beyond a formality but that it was a precursor to have a husband take his damned anatomy and put it in to me?! What?! In?! oh and haha your anatomy was broken my a hereditary nightmarish specter who is trying to kill you but it can't because luckily you have been secretly ENGAGED your WHOLE LIFE to a famous murderer who is actually innocent. Yeah. Good one life, I can barely contain my sarcastic laughter. Sarcasm is supposed to be implied isn't it? Damn;

"You okay there, Love?" Sirius asked cautiously and I met his eye. Damn; why would I look at him? Have I learned nothing. I cleared my throat;

"Uh-huh." I am such a genius.

God, he looked so young and fresh and even though he was still very thin, and although he was kinda pale and tired looking, he was still warm and full of life and really very good looking. Good for looking at I mean. oh shoot, look away eyes I am begging you! He smiled and I realised my hands were tingling from being held up above the level of my heart for do long. It was just another reason to feel dizzy as I let them fall to my sides. Sirius ran his hand through his hair austerely and I almost got sick on myself I was so at a loss for how to react to what ever on earth he had just done.

"Am I Beautiful now?" He asked with a smile and my mouth decided that this was a great moment for the truth;

"Yep." it whispered and I slammed it closed a moment too late. Damn thing was trying to get me killed. Luckily for me Sirius's vanity took this in its stride and I was allowed to move on with my joke of a life. Ha, no. As opposed to that conversation digressed from there and before I was completely able to comprehend how it had happened and thoroughly aware that it had been my idea we were kissing. I don't know why something visual could affect me so much that I was forced into the kinaesthetic but there you go. I crawled into his lap and felt him smile into the kiss. I always wanted to be closer. As close as I could get, to imprint myself on him forever. To keep him with me, we breathed heavy and rhythmic. Like it was some great struggle, like we had to kiss slow to keep our heads. I imagined my lips flowing light right into him. He groaned and I wondered if imagining me pressing into him actually did something. The kiss seemed to go on forever and I was happy to stay there and let time slip around us as long as this was what happened. He pulled me close and we were soon rolling around on the ground. Again.

"You are some girl Jude." he hissed around my mouth and my brow creased;

"Is that a good thing?" I asked concernedly as I ran my fingers through Sirius's excellent new hair, he shook his head and chuckled;

"No, I thought this would be a good time to insult you." my jaw dropped as I prepared to knee the incorrigible man but he just turned us onto our sides and snickered;

"Of course it's a good thing Love, come on." he turned me around and pulled my back into his belly. My eyes lids pulled up unconsciously as my heart stuttered a little in surprise. I had never felt the way I felt just then. I just fit in the crook of his arms like a key in a, Jesus she really ruined that analogy forever didn't she? Like a …piece of a puzzle? Much more appropriate.

I couldn't recollect ever having felt as held or as comfortable or as blisteringly hot, obviously, as I did in that moment in the arms of that damned pressure cooker of a man. He spoke into my ear because that is the sort of thing he liked to do to get a rise out of me. He had such a talent for it too;

"Come on;" he kissed the side of my neck and I pulled up my shoulders like a turtle; "What are you thinking?" he pressed and I began to fidget with my left hand.

"I was just thinking how much I loved it when people didn't try to encroach on my private thoughts." I said as I pinched the side of Sirius's hulking limb he had draped across my middle. He gave my torso a squeeze;

"Come on." he went on and the end of my nose widened slightly as I huffed;

"Let me start by saying I would prefer you didn't go Sirius, but I am just wondering why you haven't left? You're a better wizard than I am a sorceress, so why stick around now that you have a wand? I mean, I'm a liability, all I do is drown myself and cut myself open!" Sirius moved out from behind me and I wish he hadn't but I didn't say anything as he moved to look into my face, which didn't help my conversational focus one bit. I seemed to have a sudden interest in the physical structure of my fellow man, curious considering through my life thus far I had probably accumulated less time for staring at others all together then I had spent staring in the last month, it was all Sirius's fault. He looked surprised, I decided I was going to look surprised as I began to work to rearrange my facial features. He put his hand over the side of my squirming face and my eyes widened a I genuinely blanched behind his incredibly warm and lightly rough edged appendage.

"Stop." he demanded but I already had. He moved his hands away to meet his concerned features. A small frown and a searching gaze. That is concern, I had that much figured. His brow barely creased. Not like mine, not like us Malfoys, where creasing your brow is verging on a competitive sport.

"You think I would be better off alone?" I nodded and I swear Sirius gave me the once over of my life. Like I was some rare exotic something or other. Like a puzzle with no answer, like that kings knot, the one they cut with a sword because it was so unsolvable otherwise. I shuddered, it was scrutiny I was drawn back with, drawn to memory. A moments distraction for my own memories as an unwanted overeager unpopular lonely and invisible little girl;

"But you're a sorceress." he pressed and I rolled my eyes as I shifted my arm to use as a head rest. It was so different to be someone out loud, I was brought up with the understanding that adults spoke and children spoke when spoken to. It wasn't complicated, it was just true. Now everything was complicated and nothing was true. Deception seemed so ingrained in everything, there was nothing that didn't merit doubt in one way or another, just a pinch of salt and hope you don't get it wrong. I had been lucky so far, lucky with Sirius, lucky with Dumbledore, lucky with my friends. I felt like every time I told Sirius something he would doubt it and now that I had been wrong about so many things I was starting to see my own naivety. Wrong about Pembride, wrong about my parents and story books and magic and more than anything wrong about myself.

"Have you ever met someone who was brought up without magic Sirius?" I asked sardonically and Sirius suddenly seemed to have entered a staring competition with his own moustache, it looked challenging.

"Yeah, I did." he mumbled and I pressed my lips together. He really did have to be so mysterious about everything didn't he? I puffed out a breath of air and continued;

"Then how hard is it for you to understand that I have literally no conceptual understanding of the apparent poignant difference between being a witch or being a sorceress or a seer or a parrot trained to hold a wand for that matter?" I asked incredulously; "You know to be completely honest the difference between a witch and a wizard was a recent enough revelation in itself so if you want me to understand why you are surprised by things you might want to try using your words because judging by your tone of voice is becoming exhausting." I explained further with enthusiasm in the hope I was bridging some sort of long breaking chasm of communication between Sirius and I.

"Right." Sirius snorted and I blinked. "Parrot trained to hold a wand." he repeated back to me and I rolled my eyes. Chasm bridged my eye.

"If you are just going to repeat back everything I say I might as well trade you in for a parrot with a wand." I said glowering.

"Well, how do you know you are a sorceress if you don't know a wand from a stick?" Sirius asked petulantly and I rolled my eyes.

"Now, now. I know a wand when I see one, I used to be Ollivanders apprentice after all and when it comes to being a sorceress I guess it just takes one to know one and I am one so." I smiled and Sirius snorted again. He was such a classy wizard.

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review!


	44. The Fall

Chapter 44

The Fall

"Yeah and weren't you at work for years and Ollivander still wouldn't let you make a wand?" I wrinkled my nose at him;

"I've made two and it's more than you have!" I hissed and Sirius brought his face closer to mine;

"How would you know?" he lauded out in his stupid rich distracting voice. I flicked his neck so he would flinch back. Times like this I almost miss the amassing crowds of love starved new children who would arrive in Pembride under the impression that I was to be talked too.

"Now you're not even making sense." I asked because I still couldn't help feeling slightly barbed at his incredulous expression of how-could-you accusation; his features seemed ready to compromise however. I had never tried reading someone that way before. It was quite useful, as long as I didn't actually note the not-so-abstract beauty of the books cover.

"Jodie how long have you been in the wizarding world? To have not heard of me?" he said as if it was a crime and I snorted;

"Oh come on Sirius, I know everything the public have said about you." I faltered; "I just couldn't believe it." I finished assuredly. Sirius pressed his lips together before replying in his perfectly assembled accent; he really was a product of good breeding, fight it as he may. I knew it when I saw it. Apparently, even if I did grow up around crack babies a child that was raised with purpose always stuck out among us. A child that was brought up to be preserved, whether for love or for whatever sick twisted psychopathic bloodthirsty political agenda Sirius and I were bred for, it didn't matter. We had our roots, want them or not, they stood out plain as day.

"you know in Azkaban it could have been a week or a day between that first visit and the next. Keeping an eye on the time is a bit of a disrupted target due to the soul sucking monsters everywhere;" I nodded dumbly and look at the greying little pebbles just below the level of my eye. I sniffed and turned to face Sirius again.

"Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me you know." I murmured on an unassuming whim.

"what kind of tricks?" he asked and I wondered what sort of person he was.

"It changes things, hides them, enhances them. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and the world is so harsh and unforgiving and I know that that's how it really is. I know that I see things different to how they are most days and I wonder why." I knew Sirius was looking at me but I focused on how the air from my mouth as I spoke shifted the small wispy flecks between the rocks and my mouth closed for a moment as if it was done but then opened again because it wasn't. I didn't think I would ever feel a need to bring it up but I guess it could of happened at any stage. I continued;

"But other times I see the world in a very different way all together and its entirely through my eyes and I know that there are no tricks about that at all. That It's more true than anything else you know? I don't think anyone else is looking at it the same, magic isn't like you see it." I looked down at his slightly parted mouth and sniffed as he snickered;

"What? Is this a sorceress thing?" I prodded his chest with my index finger and then looked into his eyes before turning my finger to point at myself;

"Yes, magic is like I see it;" I put my hand on his cheek and ran it along the edge of his jaw. "I see you Sirius," I was sure it was the quietest he had been, the most still he had been. Like all his energy was focussed on me, as if he really needed something and I wished I knew what it was but I just floundered for away to stop talking instead before I said to much. Things could not be unsaid, that was one of my new fears. You cant take something's back once you give them away. End of. Words, kisses, moments, actions and even thoughts. What is done is done, that's scary. But your whole life being over because you spent your whole time second guessing, I didn't want to be like Hamlet either; I wasn't about to start treating Sirius like we were on separate teams. Even if I did have more practice at being alone it was just harder. With Sirius I felt like no matter how many bad things happened I was still ok. I was still happy, like I couldn't help it, like happiness was an unavoidable side effect of company, no matter how bad things got I still started smiling. There was just something about him.

"I know what I'm talking about." I told him and I focused back on the pebbles below us;

"That makes one of us." came his reply and I smiled a little; what's the point in sending messages no one receives, right? I suppose so I don't explode with everything I didn't say.

"You didn't answer my question Sirius." I sat up and began to braid my hair with rhythmic practiced movements. Sirius shifted to lie on his back and I tried to ignore the sliver of jail-pale skin revealed along the line of his hip. He sighed and I focussed on my grey streaked light blonde hair.

"Which one?" he murmured in a pathetic attempt at nonchalance.

"Won't you confide in me, Black?" I pressed.

"You don't want me to leave?" he asked and I narrowed my eyes at him;

"Sometimes I think you want me to want you to leave Sirius," I hissed and he smiled. My traitorous mouth smiled too. "You are incorrigible but you throw all the other horrible events of the last few days into a slightly more flattering light with your abominable presence so." I rose my shoulders in a shrug and sighed.

"Hey!" Sirius said in a jesting tone of warning; his arms was on my waist and then a predictable role later and I was under him. I looked up at him with through my once again narrowed eyes as he pinned my arms on either side of my head; he allowed his smile to fall into a pout until he got to close and spoke into my ear;

"If you decide you want me to leave then I am going to want something to remember you by Juniper." My cheeks flushed. Why did I suddenly feel like I was being scolded? He kissed my cheek and my eyes shut of there own accord;

"I won't send you away even if your methods of throwing me off are old hat." I told him and he pulled his face away from mine. I could practically count his eyelashes but I could also see the light laughter lines around his eyes and the well worn in worry line over his brow and aside his mouth, I was going to deepen those laughter lines. It would have to be done, it would be good for the balance of things.

"I didn't think people like you existed." he told me and I looked away from his eyes and laughed unnaturally;

"We don't." I said insuperably and pressed my mouth into a line;

"if you must know, I think you that if I didn't have you with me I would end up chasing that rat Pettigrew, the length and breath of whatever country he is in until I slipped up and got myself caught." Sirius mumbled in a matter of fact markedly woeful tone. I nodded;

"Everything is just more real with you here. What I've done right, the people of betrayed." I sighed, thinking of Tonks. Sirius gave me a disillusioned look and I smiled wryly;

"Is this you sneaky way of pointing out all you've risked on my behalf on the off chance it makes me feel like I am so far in your debt I couldn't possibly consider leaving you?" he asked and I huffed. Why didn't I think of that?

"I wish I was that smart." I blurted and Sirius laughed and met my eye.

"You are the smartest girl I ever met." he said and I felt my cheeks colour as I turned away. I laughed nervously;

"Are you going to leave?" I asked and I allowed my eyes to flash past his before staring down at my nails like looking away would pull my eyes right out of my skull.

"I have no place else to go." he told me and my brow creased.

"Wow, that is just about the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me." I murmured somewhat scathingly.

"It's the truth." he said and I sat up again and began to gesticulate energetically as I spoke; I was really becoming frustrated. I may not have been the most upfront about something's but at least I hadn't actually outright lied to Sirius, not that I could recollect at that moment anyway.

"You see? That's just it! It's not the truth at all, firstly, I amn't a place!" I cried and Sirius sat up next to me;

"You know you are right.." I cut across his attempt to disagree with me;

"Exactly, moot point, meanwhile the only agenda I have is to not get killed or caught and hopefully to clear your name at some stage." I explained and then turned to Sirius. He looked pretty miffed. Note to not interrupt him in future, I suppose it's a side effect of self importance that causes him to be so sensitive over things like that.

"And why have I been made into your responsibility?" he asked and my mouth hung useless for a moment as I realised I had upset his understanding of the balance of our relationship. It was slightly offensive on some level.

"Look," I touched my forehead with my hand in exasperation. "This hasn't just been about you, it's about what's right." I explained carefully in a slow altercations as if explaining to an especially ridiculous child.

"Are you sure? Are you sure its not about me?" he asked and I picked up a stone by my side and hurled it out over the water distempered. It splashed inelegantly. Ofcourse he would ask that. Why were we always arguing?

A/N: Thanks for reading, please let me know what you think!


	45. Someone to Perform With

Chapter 45

Someone to Perform with

"Just tell me the truth." I pressed and he sniffed before picking up a small flat pebble and flicking it out over the water. It hit the water and bounced and my mouth dropped. It bounced twice more before sinking below the surface. I bit my lip to restrain my curiosity fueled questions, I wouldn't topple the balance of the conversation now. I could see him smirking though, he knew exactly what he was doing. I tried to manipulate my expression into one of disinterest as he did it again. I decided to stay agitated for the time being, it was safer.

"I amn't going to leave you in the rough, that wouldn't be very right of me would it?" he said cautiously like he was choosing the words one by one.

"You can't leave me anywhere, I'm an adult, you cant abandon something that you owe nothing too. I saved you, you owed me one. You saved me, we're even. So why stick around? I can feel it, there is something you aren't saying so just, spit it out!" I asked feeling like my face was turning inside out as I spoke. It just made me acknowledge how true it was as I said it, I felt stuck, like there should be something more keeping him with me but I couldn't figure it out.

"It's not that simple." he answered and my heart crushed in and out in the hope he had a reason to stay. Something real.

"Well, what more is there?" I asked, my tone barely clouding my desperation, I needed to hear this or not hear this. One or the other.

"Seriously Malfoy? What sort of life have you lived that this is beyond you?" He ran his hands into his hair and exhaled before he turned to me; "Do you seriously look around you and only tie people together with logic and duty and debt? Is your view of the world really that… cold?" He asked and I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes as I sighed.

"I don't understand." I hissed and Sirius flew up onto his feet beside me as he groaned. I felt small in the dirt at his feet.

"For fuck sake what is wrong with you?" he shouted and I felt smaller. I was sick of that question.

"Nothing." I told my hair which I allowed to fall over my face.

"What?" he asked loudly and he kicked up several stones as he turned around to me quickly. I pulled myself off the ground and pulled the cloak further around me.

"Nothing." I repeated and Sirius stood to tower over me;

"Then why are you being so ridiculous." I pushed him and he stumbled as I threw my hands up over my head and cried out close to his face;

"I don't know, ok? Just tell me what I am doing wrong? What am I missing? Why are you mocking me instead of helping me you egomaniac?!" Sirius moved backwards as I pushed forward and I could feel my middle flicker as I began to lose the run of myself. I stopped moving and laughed incredulously, shaking my head I stepped back from Sirius.

"This is ridiculous." he spat; "Look at you!" he gestured toward me and I looked down at my stocking feet and dusty cloak. The ends of my too-long hair stretching to below my waist. I looked back up at Sirius questioningly and he sighed;

"No, I mean this isn't about you being cold it's about you being stubborn." I crossed my arms and looked up at the overcast sky. This conversation was making me feel too many things at once. It was like a pile that wouldn't stop building, it was making my eyes try and cry but I knew I couldn't cry. I just knew it. It would be like a surrender, I tried to detach myself from it but it hurt too much, I knew the more we argued the further away he felt. He was going to leave, he would be gone by tonight. What a terrible Christmas. I wasn't sure what I would do without him, I had forgotten what there was to do without him.

"If you are going to leave please don't drag it out." I whispered, the fire in my belly stifled by the tears I was holding in my head. I wondered if I would have kept yelling if I put them outside.

"Why are you so convinced that I have to leave?" he asked and I turned away from him to face the blue lit trees;

"Because if you don't leave now.. I don't know what I will do when you do and I don't know why it's so important to me. If it's not magic or duty or debt or necessity then why am I like this? Why can't I think of you leaving without feeling like it's the end of the world? Why won't my insides let you go? Why is it different when I look at you or touch you or think of you? why can I feel you?" my right hand hammered over my heart frantically and my left hand did the same over the side of my head. I whimpered and my gut twisted. "What's wrong with me?" I asked no one and a tear ran out of my eye. Sirius deflated and pulled my hands away from my head to hold them still. He moved them down to my sides and held my face carefully pushing my tears away with his thumbs.

"Hey, hey calm down Jude, come on." I looked down at our feet. He lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. "I think I have you figured." my lip wobbled and I pulled away from Sirius.

"No, no, Jude come here," I could feel water chilling my eyelashes. I turned around, he was a really beautiful man, my stomach pulled in on itself and I looked away again. My heart shook in my chest.

"Stop running off." he was losing patience and I was getting a head ache. It was becoming obscene, he pulled on my arm and I pulled it back.

"You stop." I hissed and pointed a finger at his tattooed chest; "Just stop avoiding the issue. We were friends once. Why don't you pretend we are again and tell me what is it you won't say?" Sirius puffed up like a peacock as I called him out and then smiled wickedly; my mouth tripped on itself;

"You want to know why you are acting like this? Feeling like this?" he asked and I froze. I didn't speak or move but my heart fought in my chest. I felt sick. "because you're in love with me." I flinched, I thought of friendship and sex and compared it to what I knew about love. Oh;

"I am?" I guess kissing isn't like shaking hands anymore then loving someone is like leaving them. I felt like I had been punched in the head.

"Don't you feel it?" he asked and I thought I saw the sun for a moment. I mostly felt afraid.

"What does it feel like?" I asked and my hand quivered a little as Sirius moved over to me and took my hand in his.

"I'm still kinds figuring it out myself to be honest." he admitted and I frowned. Even when I felt like he was giving me a fever enough to punch him out he made me happy. Made me feel like I mattered more then little girl lost. Like I was somebody. I had gone to his vault for months, sought him out like a priest seeking salvation.

"You don't have to stay with me just because I'm in love with you, you know? You still don't owe me anything." I spoke down to our joint hands. I tried to still my hand in his but I couldn't. I was shaking like a leaf, and he was so solid. So monumental.

"You are so dense." he laughed and I took my hand back;

"Am I?" I asked as I sneered. "You obviously know how I feel about you yet you still say things like I won't be upset by them. Which am I Sirius? Am I the smartest girl you have ever met or am I so intolerably dense that you would rather hit me then hold me?" I asked coldly as I curled my hands in and out of fists. He seemed so full of static energy it was unnerving, my belly flipped. Apparently it was also kind of attractive. Sex is so confusing.

"Why do you have to be like this about everything?" he asked venomously and I began yelling again. This was the most exhausting and volatile Christmas of my life and I spent one of them locked in a bathroom crying in fear for over four hours because some older boy tried to light my hair on fire.

"Like what? So cold? I'm not the one who's cold. I mean I have never called anyone insensitive but Black, you! That's what you are!" I was too worn out to keep dancing around it;

"No, not cold, forget cold. You're like a child. You behave like a child." he spat and I recoiled, my mouth seemed to have a rebuttal ready however, it had had to stay silent in response to that comment several times to many if I was any sort of judge.

"Oh? Well I am so very sorry, I didn't realise I was being immature but I suppose it's a behavioural tendency you are so intimately familiar with that you wouldn't miss it a mile away. Since acting like a petulant child is your answer to everything!" he laughed derisively and crossed his arms;

"You're hilarious Malfoy." he said and I rolled my eyes. He put on a high false voice which I took to be an imitation of me "I'm not cold! you're cold! I'm childish? You're childish!" He opened my mouth and shook my head in incredulity but he failed to see the irony.

"What a mature observation Sweet heart, thank you so much for your helpful input." I smiled sweetly and he groaned. I flushed and then scoffed. Oh my God.

"Oh my God, you haven't!" I shook my head and covered my eyes with my hand; "Please tell me you haven't fallen in love with me Black. This is messy enough as it is." I didn't dare look up, A quiet settled over the bank as he stopped pacing and the stones below him stopped crunching. I was right. I had hit the nail on the head. The tension grew. I could see how this was a tactical hell for two people on the run but I couldn't stop my heart from soaring out of my chest. Someone loved me. He loved me. The man of the hour. I felt blind and deaf and full of light. I wanted to cheer and laugh but I felt a weight weighing on me.

I was so out of my depth it was unreal, this was all I needed.

"I…" he was going to say something but then he stopped; "This hasn't really happened to me before Jude, I don't really know what to tell you." I nodded behind my hand. We both sort of...deflated;

"Just tell me you'll stay." I pleaded, but I knew he would because we were bound together with love. Love, like it was something that could move mountains or change the wind. Like it was the strongest thing on the planet and I had missed it this far. I really was becoming more like my mother every day, we really had to fall for the most complicated guy. Heck I had gone out of my way to do it. My hand was pulled away from my eyes and I blinked into the light. He stared right into me.

"I…" he faltered and I fought off a smug smile; "care about you." he said with a false smoothness and I bit my lip. It would have to do for the time being, this wasn't the way I wanted his love declaration to be anyway, I was repressing violent shivers and my limbs stung with the cold. He kissed my hand and I swear the sun shone again for just a moment. "I'm going where you go," he kissed my cheek and I felt myself blush. "whether you like it or not." he told my ear and it was all I could do to nod. My heart beat like it was in a race and my lips shook despite my efforts.

"Just when I thought I'd gotten rid of you." I murmured sardonically and I was really impressed with my mouth, it really had a knack for saying the opposite of whatever I was thinking.

A/N: Thanks for reading and PLEASE REVIEW!


	46. Rolling Stones

Chapter 46

Rolling Stones

I moved onto my toes and fell against him, catching my self with my arms on his shoulders. I sniffed, he lifted his arms from his sides and pulled me into him. Warmth began to flow from my finger tips through my entire body and I smiled into his shoulder.

He still had it. My belly flipped. By heart faltered. My mouth curved and I knew, he was right about me, even when I was wrong and blind he saw me. Even when I could close my eyes and have all the answers laid out in front of me. I saw the light reach from my heart to his but even then I didn't know what it meant. He had my heart from the moment I saw him, heck, the moment I heard him. Maybe even the moment I saw his name written on that piece of paper if it's even possible. As if as soon as it happened the silvering thread on my heart had tugged and I had been drawn to him ever since.

Love was like a mental illness, but it was a pleasurable one, like a drug. It distorted reality and I couldn't help but think that was the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone you saw in any other way but your own, to love them without your own eyes to look at them with. I hummed against his shoulder. Yet even with the right eyes I still managed to look in every direction but the right one, I guess I had Sirius to thank for guiding me. My smile widened, a guiding star.

His monumental build surrounded my frail form even in his emaciated state. I could feel the heat of his skin fighting through his clothes and I couldn't help but think we would be warmer if he was wearing nothing at all. He chose that exact moment to start kissing me casually. My heart juddered in my ears and I almost kicked him when he pulled away within moments and I realised he intended it to be chaste. He made me crazy. I felt myself flush and cleared my throat as I pushed off of Sirius. I continued to move away from him until my arm was fully stretched out in front of me and the tips of my fingers barely grazed across his broad cloaked chest.

"Sirius?" I said as I eyed my hand on his front and allowed it to trail slightly lower before dropping it through the space between us.

"You ok?" he asked and I laughed a little.

"Well all things considered, I actually don't know. I think we need to find some place else to go now. You go pack, I'll just be a sec." He seemed on the verge of speaking as usual but I raised a finger; "Just…" I pointed to the pile of materiel on the ground and he threw his hands up for a moment in surrender as I barged past him. He grabbed my arm.

"Don't disappear," he warned and I smiled as I met his eye, my gaze flicked to his mouth for a moment and I looked at him again.

"No promises," I told him and he shaped his hand to the side of my cheek. I leaned against it for a moment unconsciously before I remembered myself and began to pull back. Being him, of course that wasn't an option. His lips touched mine before I could quite escape and I melted for a moment. All the air seemed to knock right out of me and all I could think about was how his mouth was like a little sculpture made of icing. Something soft and delicious that I had to savour. Who had I been fooling? My heart was so close to bursting out of chest when he moved his warm velvet lip over mine that I was almost relieved when he pulled away.

"Promise me," he ordered and my eyebrows shot up. I was so hyped to give him anything when he spoke to me like that I was startled, his rich tone just made me melt. His aristocratic voice shot right through me like lightening and my words stuck in my throat, luckily the hesitation allowed me to change the breathy yes to something less reminiscent of a seventeenth century streetwalker due to the offence I took at being spoken to like one. I mean really the man was so arrogant.

I pulled his face down to mine with both hands and when I could feel only the lightest pressure of his mouth against mine I ran the tip of my tongue along the seam of his top lip. He shivered and I smiled before I pulled back, even though my gut had tensed pleasurably I would have to disappoint it.

"At least you taste sweet," I stated before I allowed my hands to fall back to my sides, "even if you are spoiled" I walked on. I heard him sigh behind me and my heart continued to thrum in my chest. I took a deep breath and waited for a moment on the off chance he threw a tantrum, as I had realised he was partial to doing. I exhaled leisurely as soon as the crunch of stones below Sirius's feet faded slightly. I stilled my chattering teeth for the air cooled dramatically and bit into my skin when Black took his obnoxious heat with him.

I shifted my weight on my numb feet for a moment and rubbed my hands together. Closing my eyes and taking another deep breath I put my left hand out to the side and reached out for my wand. As I turned to my hand, eyes still closed, I saw a thin thread was wrapped around my head and looping out behind me. I pulled along it and felt a thud into my hand. My middle pulsed and I smiled. Through my heart I swore I could feel Sirius flinch and I thought for a moment that I must have pulled it straight from his pocket. I smiled with a little mirth and heat flooded through my hand. I felt so restored to just to hold it again.

I didn't like to gaze around in the world of these seeping shifting whispering shadows for too long. Even if there were answers here there were some answers I wasn't ready to hear. Even if I could tell fates path by looking at the crosses and webs of the lines like my mother, like a seer, I still felt like they weren't mine to see. Even being a solid enigma here made me enough like some sort of shade that I could simply slip through whichever path I chose, I was out of my depth. I didn't know how it worked and this wasn't the place to figure it out.

I took one last lingering look at the line drawn from the light that was me, smudgy and quite indistinct compared to his clear white brilliance but more solid. I touched the ground with firmness. I didn't really understand why his light was so pure when I could tell by the set of his mouth and the glint of his eye that he had taken part in enough debauchery for a lifetime already, but then again he was rebuked of all prejudice thanks to having it stolen before he was even born. The rope between us was more than a rope, it was a twisted shifting and complex line of overlapping and interlacing light. Barely corporeal but blindingly bright. Bound to him.

I wondered if it had always been here and then I suddenly knew a piece of information I had no source for. I knew that it another strap had reached between us every time one needed the other. As if without one another we were both just scraping by. Was that it? The longer I stayed in the light the more came to light? Or was it just easier to believe ones delusion in this state. I wondered why I could see no other connection aside from my heart to his and my wand to me but then I looked closer because I couldn't see Sirius's line to his wand. I stared a moment longer and I realised that there was a line, the faintest whisper of a line. Barely there, and as soon as I noticed that line I couldn't help but spot the little vaporous hair lines laced over the whole realm like a fog, giving Sirius's light a further surrounding ethereal glow due to the large amounts of connections running from him to the world.

Looking down at myself again I saw the wispy lines billowing delicately in front of me. Fascinated, I was compelled to pull taut the ones most clearly visible. I ran my shadowed hand over there surface like a harp but there was no sound. Yet even as I did it there was a distinct aftertaste of something else. Of memory and possibility, like when you smell a scarf belonging to someone long dead but loved. It brought back so much but was so barely preserved, like a dream. Barely within reach but present.

The most immediate line I recognised felt of chocolate, nervous clinking coins and a sort of bitter cautious curiosity. A stoic bravery and loyalty. Remus Lupin? But there was something missing. I held tighter and felt an assuaging, sarcastic humour. Yes definitely Lupin. The taught line slipped from the bow of my hand toward Sirius and I of course already knew that Sirius knew Remus. I should mention it to him. Wondering if I could travel through these strands I reached in through the one connecting Sirius and I and my hand fettered through it shakily before flowing into join it. I pulled it back out quickly and noticed a light terribly near me. I hadn't moved. I hadn't needed to. The whispers chorused up as he shone in front of me and I shook my head. I didn't need all the answers, I would ruin the fun. Would Sirius have taken my hand that day had he known who I was? Some answers hinder the truth and I didn't know how much you could trust an eerie source less whisper. Even if it was oddly fascinating, knowledge is power after all but power is valuable and I decided that for the time being I should keep the price on my head at a minimum on the off chance the power I gained wasn't enough to ward off those who would come after it. I shook off the shadow and opened my eyes.

He stood in front of me and he smelled of leather. He had the satchel swung over his shoulder and a ridiculous devil may care look on his fabulous face. I needed to get back into alliteration.

I guess Sirius and I had such a bond because of us being, well magically bonded. Made for each other sort of, or raised for each other at least. God I wish he would make a move. Take me to bed. He was such a chicken, why did he always just give up when I started to panic, I could tell he wasn't unfamiliar with it. Would he just persuade me to have sex with him already, I would be to much of a chicken to initiate it otherwise. Ok my thoughts are becoming so strange.

"Are you ok?" he asked and I nodded before looking at my wand held in my mutilated hand. It was an eerily beautiful sight. It was comforting to say the least and I smiled at my weapon of choice and my friend in more ways then one. My wings, for balance. Without it I was askew, clipped wings stump thoughts.

"We need to eat and find a place to stay." I murmured and I looked up at Sirius. "Can you think of anywhere?" I asked and Sirius rolled his eyes;

"I don't really have to many fans right now Love." he informed me resignedly and I pressed my lips together before nodding;

"Yeah, I'm not surprised." I said and Sirius began saying something or other before I waved him off; "just let me think please." I uttered quietly;

Sirius crunched a few steps behind me as I started pacing. I could still here him walking. God he was distracting, I huffed flicking my wand and Sirius tripped coincidentally. I smiled to myself as he cursed behind me.

"Very mature." he called over.


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47

Smoking

"Ok, I think I will try out this sorceress thing just to solve this stupid conundrum. Take my hand and I will drag you through this kind of in between place and I will take us out somewhere safe for the night." I told him deciding to tap into my mother's legacy.

He looked as me like I was going out of my way to complicate things;

"You want to what?" he asked and I slipped my hand into his, instantly appreciating the heat.

"Close your eyes please." I told him, and he did so, "and relax," I added as an afterthought. I saw his slight frown and realised he might be nervous. I put my hand over his eye like the water creature had done to me earlier and thought of the way he must be feeling. I slipped my chin into the nook of Sirius's shoulder to be close to him for a moment but also to watch the end of my wand protruding from our linked hands as I produced a raven in my quiet comfort with ease and shot it into the water after the water people to say a subtle fare well to them. They had saved my life after all, and probably Sirius's as well. Always give credit where credit is due.

I slipped into the shadows and whispers and flowing lights once more.

Somewhere to hide. To not be found. There was a cacophony of whispers and I thought I felt Sirius stiffen. A heavy strand pulling from Sirius grew taught and led off into the distance. It led to someone young and I could feel the babies weight and hear his name called out in tears. I realised that this was the Harry I had heard of. I wished there was more time, Harry was connected to a finer fiber. It led to somewhere and I could sense disappointment there, but also an understanding that this place was secret. It had been hidden. I pulled my hand off of Sirius's eyes. His eyes remained shut and I could feel his heart beat heavily against my shoulder. 

"I found somewhere to go," I said in a voice that sounded a little foreign to me. Sirius opened one eye a little, squinting against the dim light.

"And you'll take us there with your magic?" he asked and I pursed my lips before sighing.

"I don't know if this will work." I moved closer to him again. "This might get kind of strange." He snickered;

"More so then usual?" he asked and I closed my eyes as I slipped out a little.

"Much more," I answered firmly. I felt Sirius relax in a strange way. Like a surrender, like trust. How unusually mature of him. I mused.

The light of him shone briefly before me and I cut myself off from the outer physical argument of existence. The part where, even with magic, what was possible was limited. I imagined water flowing over my hand from a tap and then tried to imagine switching places. I tried to steer myself right into Sirius and grip him tight. I shifted my hand gently over the thread following from Sirius again and felt wind and cold. I didn't know where we were going but I didn't mind. 

It felt okay. I felt a tug as the thread began to pull me through it and I pulled it back lightly. In a strange series of movements that I couldn't even tell were really happening I threaded the cord around Sirius and I. We swept right through it. It was like falling asleep, you don't even realise when. It was like the sort of sleep that you never fall into. That you only wake up from.

I opened my eyes slowly and saw nothing but a small amount of light cracking in from under a draftee old door. I could here rushing and crashing outside and I flinched as a particular loud cascade played out. I realised with the slightest start that it was a sound I had heard crackling below me outside Sirius's cell. It was the ocean. We were close to it.

Sirius stood in front of me. His eye screwed shut and his mouth pressed closed. He had his hands at my waist balled into fists and I saw he was holding his breath. I pulled on my wand lightly to light the room and a fire jumped up in an unseen hearth. The room was covered in dust and soot and I sent it streaming toward the door with a gesture of my wand. It began to sift out under the door, a small amount remained behind to fill the cracks as it fit its frame terribly. 

Sirius released a gusty breath in front of me as he opened his eyes and began staring around him. His chest heaved and I could feel a head ache coming on as he allowed his satchel to crunch onto the floor. I sniffed and stepped away from him to stand nearer the fire.

"Don't look so surprised," I advised him. I spotted a bulb hanging from the ceiling and shot some light into it. "I amn't completely incompetent," I informed him somewhat scathingly. There was a couch in front of the fire from which springs protruded on one side, and a brass framed bed beneath a boarded window. A wooden untrustworthy stairs over to the side of the round room and a little kitchenette of sorts of to the sides. The magic and dust cement had done a good job blocking the draft from penetrating the cracked wooden door. There was a small etching framed beside the window of a small light house and I pointed to it;

"It's a lighthouse," I told him. He was sitting on the couch in front of my roaring fire. His head was tipped back and a small smile played across his mouth. I decided in that moment, for no reason I in particular, that Black was mentally unstable.

"I am just glad you're on our side," he said and I smiled a little.

"There's no side to have us," I pointed out and Sirius snorted a little cynically as he pulled himself forward to rest his hand on his knees. He had brilliant hands, my skin itched. Sex is absurd.

He flicked his wand and the satchel twitched as the small black tube that had been inside flew into his hand. I wondered what it was for a moment before he unscrewed in the middle and tapped out a cigarette. He lit it with his wand and I couldn't help but think it was an silly use for such a spectacular item. To be used as a lighter. 

He took a careful drag a moment later and I changed my mind. I hadn't seen anyone smoke anything but a pipe in person before and I can't say I didn't think it a little edgy. It had the same devious element as kissing, like you should be getting in trouble for it. Sirius sighed around his cigarette and I wrinkled my nose as I moved over to sit beside him on the couch. The acrid smoke filled the room with a warm woody scent. I preferred it to the damp must.

"and I was so close to quitting," he informed me. I watched the smoke flow from his mouth in a steady stream for a moment. I reveled in any excuse to watch his mouth.

"Show me," I requested. I held my hand out to Sirius. He decided handing it to me would be to logical and held the it toward my mouth balanced between his own fingers. Shrugging, I straightened my posture and carefully set my lips around the filter of the cigarette. My idle curiosity noted that you couldn't mock the design of the cigarette for its ergonomics anyway. I inhaled carefully and my throat burned unpleasantly until warmth of the smoke settled in my lungs a moment later. I held it for a moment as my eyes began to water. I coughed dryly a moment later as the smoke escaped my lungs. I took in a careful lungful of reasonably fresh air and coughed again before exhaling slowly;

"Interesting," I remarked hoarsely. Interesting, like licking charcoal.

"What's for dinner then?" I asked as Sirius took a rather alluring drag from his cigarette to disguise his mirth poorly. It was quite sexy with the leather and the new hair and everything. He was smirking and I was actually physically melting. Well not really that literally but I did feel more like a well balanced column of Jodie goo at that moment then I did a conducted woman. Why wouldn't he just scoop me up and take me to bed? My heart contracted at the thought along with various other muscles and I blushed. Sirius ran an inferno lighting hand over my cheek lightly and laughed.

"No need to blush Malfoy, the first time I had a cigarette I vomited." I pursed my lips as I realised he thought my colouring akin to embarrassment over a little coughing and bearing no attachment to my burning and thought consuming lust. I crossed my legs and stared at the fire for a moment as I nodded. He was an idiot but at least he just thought I was a shy smoker. Sirius took the black tube out again and placed his thumb over the cap as he shook it.

"Friend of mine used to make stuff like this all the time to give out as presents. Wicked smart, Lupin," he sniffed lightly and I pursed my lips over his melodrama but then inwardly scolded myself for being unfeeling. He showed me the black tube had magically filled with a light blue liquid. Sirius swallowed it quickly and shuddered.

"Pepper-up potion." he informed me and then began to shake the vial again. "Lupin used to call this a multi-compartmental extension charm or something like that. Best dinner we're getting out here." he trailed off as he lifted his thumb to show another mouth full of the blue liquid. He held it out to me and I took it as I nodded my thanks.

"Good magic that," he mumbled as I necked the Tabasco flavoured potion. I grimaced and coughed again as my whole body shuddered. My stomach suddenly felt heavy. Energy found its way coursing through my limbs. I had underestimated the importance of my hunger for stopping me from doing something unreasonable. 

Now it was just Sirius and I alone, in the warm half-light, it almost didn't feel like we were running for our lives.

"It's good to be out of the cold," I said, deciding again not to bring my friendship with Remus up at that moment in time. My stomach tightened with excitable apprehension and I shivered in my seat. Sirius looked so good with that cigarette for some reason. He just hummed in agreement and I sighed.

"It's actually quite warm in here," I remarked and began to pull at the buttons on my coat; I cleared my throat, "Aren't you uum," I began to pick the lake dirt out from under my nails; "quite warm?" I asked awkwardly. I cursed my uncooperative mouth and body and heart and head. I took a slow breath, my body did feel energized for the first time in a long time, that was good magic. It felt like two day old crackling sun burn pulling on your skin.

"Well, I don't really get cold," he mumbled as he sank further into the chair and I shifted my legs again.

"Oh really?" I pressed and nodded wonderingly; "I hadn't noticed." I hoped that the fact that I was already blushing would cover me.

"Hadn't you?" he asked closing his eyes leisurely and I pressed my lips together.

"No," I lied blatantly and he smirked as he took another drag from his cigarette. I narrowed my eyes, he was incorrigible and I realised it was 'sexy'. His vain, arrogant, self-important manor made my skin tingle. I hated it. I leaned toward him and slipped my hand beneath his shirt to run my hand over the smooth warm skin of his hip. I hummed against the side of his cheek as me exhaled his breath of smoke in a low hiss;

"Well I guess I wouldn't say cold," I allowed. Sirius opened his eyes slowly to look at me, he smiled and pulled my hand out from under his shirt. He placed his cigarette to balance precariously in the side of his mouth before placing his hands on either side of mine;

"You're shivering," he pointed out disapprovingly. He took his cigarette and stubbed the flame out before placing it behind his ear like he had done it a hundred times before. Maybe he had. He pulled our hands to his mouth and blew a breath of hot air over mine. It was a strangely intimate movement as heat flowed up my arm like a stream of hot water and my mind became fuzzy. Had I been less stubborn a girl I would have thrown myself at him then and there but instead I just said;

"It's fine." and took my hand back. I was so proud, and afraid that I couldn't say anything I wanted. I couldn't tell him I loved him or even that I wanted him. I wanted to belong to myself. I had only just been freed, and I was already tied again, tied to him. On some level, he must have felt the same way and I hated it. I didn't want him to blame me or resent me for keeping him. It wasn't fair and it didn't make sense for him to think it, but I couldn't blame him for it. I was doing the same damned thing. I wondered how I could ever be happy the only thing I could think of that made me crazier then being without Sirius, was being with him.

"Is this flirting?" he asked, like he didn't already damn know. I wondered if it was a good idea for Sirius and I to talk alone when we were actually refreshed. At least when we were exhausted something would have to give to avoid fainting.

"Don't be a brat," I told him and stood from the chair to unlace the threads of the cloak Sirius had given me.

"What are you---" I faced away from him.

"Just finish your cigarette," I said over my shoulder. I let the cloak slip to the floor. I tried to remember when I had put on the silly ScoobyDoo shirt before pulling it off over my head. I moved to pull my hair out of its plait before beginning to fumble, I could feel his eyes on me. I turned back. The cigarette still rested behind his ear, he was too still.

"Please just light your cigarette, as long as you're smoking that thing I don't have to worry about my brain trying to think," I said. I leaned over Sirius's seat and pulled the cigarette from behind his ear. I felt my wand tingle from where I had jammed it in my cleavage and the cigarette began to smoke in my hand. I wrapped my mouth around it and inhaled to encourage the flame. It was hot and scratchy. I blew the smoke over Sirius's face impolitely. I focused on stifling the oncoming bout of coughing. I took in a breath of fresh air through my nose and shook my head. I put the cigarette back into his mouth. He moved for the first time in what felt like an age and pulled it out again.

"Did you really throw up?" Quick as a cat, Sirius draped me across his lap. He planted a kiss on the side of my neck and I swung a leg over his lap to face him. His hands ran up my near bare back and my stomach knotted (pleasantly for once) as I delivered a light nip to the end of his ear. He pulled me closer still so that not even a sheet of paper could fit between us. I was melting fast and I so didn't want to concede. My brain twisted and my heart fluttered. I wanted everything from him and I would give everything to him. I breathed over his ear as he began to pepper kisses along my neck. I hissed and spoke in a huskier whisper then I had planned:

"Tell me you love me and I'll go to bed with you."

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review


	48. Losing It

a/n: When you see the line in this chapter that's when you know that things are getting Siriusly heated. If for some reason beyond my understanding that doesn't interest you than just head straight to the second line.

Chapter 48

Losing it

I could feel his heart hammering below my hand and his arms went still at my sides. I was very nervous. Sirius was breathing on my shoulder, a warm fan of heavy air that fuzzed up my thoughts. I put some space between us so I could face him. 

"It's only me." He didn't meet my eye as he began worrying his lip. 

"Do you trust me?" he asked. The question showed a vulnerability I hadn't considered Sirius capable of. Did I trust him?

"Yes." He still wouldn't look at me.

"Then you're a fool," He hissed, and his hands pulled off of my skin as if I had burned him. I ground my teeth.

"Look at me." His gaze was resentful, "Have you always mistaken bravery for foolishness? How about honesty? Is honesty foolish?" He pushed me aside and stood. I lay barely clothed on the couch. I didn't feel small, I was steeled by the strength of my convictions.

"Is love?" I asked. There was something wrong and I didn't know what it was. It wasn't fear or anger or misery or lust. I couldn't even tell if it was good or bad. My mouth formed a fierce tight line as I became frustrated in my confusion. I waited for an answer, the fire cracked behind him and the sea crashed outside. He sat. I moved to the edge to sit with him.

"You remind me of someone," he said. He spoke as if he was figuring something out and I decided to just continue shutting up but apparently it wasn't an option;

"Who?" I asked and cursed that I still spoke like a child. He did something I didn't expect then, he laughed, like I had made a joke and then shook his head.

"Of me, Jesus Christ, I had forgotten, you are so like me, you have no idea… they were right, I was impossible to live with." he muttered and I huffed;

"You still are," I pointed out and he smiled;

"But you love me." he challenged and I smirked back;

"I never said that." came my rebuttal and he rolled his eyes.

"You haven't denied it either."

"You say it." I demanded and he narrowed his eye wickedly with a smirk.

"No." As if it were that simple.

"Three little words."

"It doesn't work like that." I wondered if he would let me kiss him now. I tipped my head and he met me half way there. The world's smallest kiss.

"Just say it." I was essentially begging him to take me to bed, but he's a brat. He needs cajoling. I wonder if I should repeat what Jude had told me. That this was a matter of life and death. 

"I could show you." his voice was low and husky and just;

"Not if you don't tell me." 

"I could call that bluff." Such a flirt. He kissed me again, he kissed me so thoroughly my back hit one of the exposed springs of the sofa. He kissed me so well I couldn't help but wonder how many other girls he's kissed. How could you not fall in love with him? He shifted back to look at me. If I were him I wouldn't bother falling for me.

I was making a fool of myself. This is just how he is, he misses sex, he misses the attentions and I'm right here. This probably what Remus meant when he said all handsome men are bastards. Are friends allowed to be in love with there friends? I put a hand on his chest and pushed him up so that we were sitting.

"If you don't, I need to hear that too.

I looked down at my hands folded in my lap, I watched my blood tear through the visible veins of my left wrist. My heart was in over drive, I gulped loudly around the lump in my throat. Sirius shifted beside me and I tried not to feel overly exposed in my underwear as the distance between us made it much more obvious.

"You are killing me here," he said in a gravelly tone. He looked at me with calculating side-long glances, the depths of his feelings once again tucked away in his soul somewhere.

"Look I'm just kidding around I…" he began and then he was huffing again. I watched his black moustache frown with his mouth for a moment and wondered how we had ever started kissing. 

"Right, I don't make friends with birds. Women and me and their feeling are just.. ugh," Sirius looked pleased like he was finally on the right track to explaining himself. I respectfully disagreed. "I mean, besides this one girl, I have never really been close to a woman," he chuckled and suddenly his body took on a posture I had never seen him wear before. This sort of arrogant, high energy confidence snapped in as he grinned ruefully; "Well, not close in some respects, but we got along."

"So there was a girl?" I asked in a small voice and Sirius turned from what looked like fond reminiscing to look at me;

"Hm, what?" he asked and I narrowed my eyes;

"A girl?" I pressed and his eyelids pulled back slightly as he shook his head;

"oh, no no no no, that's what I mean. I mean, that girl, her and I? No way, are you kidding, I'd be beheaded." Looking genuinely scared for his life Sirius rubbed a hand across his neck as if someone with an axe was leering around the next corner. I realised he reminded me of Tonks, young and jovial and likable. I felt stiff and jerky and rehearsed in comparison.

"You loved her?" I asked, was this the side this girl brought out. Bright and free. That Sirius Black had been a free man once played on my mind for a moment as his light eyes glazed over.

"Yeah, me along with anyone who had ever met her." I looked down at my hands some more. I flicked my eyes toward his face again and saw he was smoking again.

"What was she like?" I asked and I could see him shrug in his new infuriatingly elegant manor. I wondered if she was like me, but then I wondered what I was like and that never ended well so I stopped.

"Smart, wicked smart and sweet." He smiled fondly and my leg began shaking habitually. 'Smarter then me?' My brain screamed, and I knew I was being irrational. I couldn't compete with a girl who seemed to take the weight off of Sirius's shoulders just by being on his mind.

"How did you meet?" I remembered what Sirius had said about wishing we hadn't met the way we did. How he wished we could have met before he went to jail. I was almost less jealous now. I was just appreciating the intimacy of hearing something personal about Sirius. I hated that he had maintained his taboo for so long. I drank up any detail he allowed me.

"School," he stated. Let me in.

"So for how long were you two, um, involved or…?" I let it hang and then Sirius had turned to me. 

"Lily and I?" he snorted. "We were never involved as you so delicately put it, not in the sense you mean anyway." I frowned. Sirius's easy air seemed to lighten everything and yet I was still frowning, Lily was a much better name than mine.

"But she was sweet?" Sirius smiled as he kicked my discarded cloak on the floor;

"A bit too sweet for my taste." He gave me a look that embodied every ounce of the aura I had felt flow out of him in the last few minutes. Foot loose and fancy-free and he took a drag on his cigarette and it was a good thing I was sitting down because my leg stopped shaking as my knees went weak. How on earth did he do that? I opened my mouth and it clacked dryly as I coughed mutely to try and get my voice back.

"She was smart?" I pressed and he smiled at me in a sort of gentle fond sort of way that was simply infuriating;

"Not smart enough," he said as if it was a little joke he was sharing with me and suddenly I smiled wider then I had since I met my wand. I blushed and I bit my lip and what was wrong with me that I couldn't just be one girl for ten minutes straight? Sirius was right, I did run hot and cold. I just needed to figure out where my own damn on/off switch was. As I watched Sirius from the corner of my eye once more I couldn't help but imagine Jude's voice saying in her ridiculous lecherous tone: 'You're lookin' at'im.'

"Well how smart does a girl have to be?" I asked.

"Well I used to think as smart as they could be without being smarter than me," he wiggled an eye brow at me, "but now I think I prefer the sort of girl who is so smart that even she doesn't understand what she is saying. There's just something about an oxymoron that gets me." he laughed lightly and for the first time I met his eye without feeling a need to tear his clothes off or hit him, much. I just met his eye like it was a regular thing to do, like it's something that should be easy, that I was wrong to feel tense with it in the first place. It was just two people sitting together. It was a simple thing I had been deprived of since I had broken him out, his companionship.

"You're my favourite person," I told him and he smiled his new slightly goofy incredibly sexy smile like it had been the start of the verse of his favourite song and it had gone out of his head till just now. I felt like he was pulling himself out of himself and the closer he came to the surface the more I liked him and the more I wondered how he had hidden a personality so big in a human-sized body.

"The stuff you come out with," he said in his deep voice which seemed to be developing an ever escalating vivacious booming quality. Like even his voice had to bounce of the walls.

"That's a fragmented sentence," I pointed out, wrinkling my nose at the strange mix of Sirius's aristocratic diction and his poor use of English. He must have been brought up around beautifully structured linguistics yet he simply chose not to use them. He was such an odd sort.

"I love that," he said smiling at me ruefully and I was once again reminded of his being a dog that turns into a human. I rolled my eyes;

"You just did it again, what are you trying to say you…" what he had said dawned on me, I faltered; "love?" I finished and felt a blush creeping up. I wasn't going to get back into this.

"The way you screw up your whole face like someone is about to hex you whenever something bothers you, which is pretty much everything, I mean let's face it." he sort of snickered and my eyebrows pushed together as I tried to think of examples to disprove his observation, I realised what he meant and decided to move the conversation on;

"I amn't bothered by everything," I defended and Sirius made a face like he begged to differ; "Why are you making that face like you don't agree?" I asked sharply and Sirius shrugged;

"Why do you correct me on my English and then say things like 'I amn't'?" he asked and I tipped my head to the side as I thought about it, are you not supposed to say 'amn't'?; Sirius seemed to be on a role however as he continued speaking.

"Why do you spend so much of time trying to figure out something on your own instead of just asking a simple question?" I tried not to fidget as he went on but I could feel the edge of one of my fingernails was chipped and I wanted to investigate;

"Why are you just sitting there staring at me with that look that you always have that I don't even have a word for? Why did you climb into the lake? Why did you hemorrhage at Grimmauld place? Why did Lucius Malfoy look like he was afraid of you? " he spoke with tremendous fluidity;

"You are such a good orator when you want to be Sirius and as I am blue in the face from saying, you shouldn't answer a question with a question, I don't know where you picked up that habit but it is dreadful." I remarked and Sirius, who still had his hands in the air from his expressive tirade dropped the limbs and lowered his eyebrows. They had been pulled back in a sort of 'well?!' position, like he expected me to get a word in edge ways without talking over him. Maybe he didn't realise he was interrupting me before I even spoke, maybe he had one of those hyperactive compulsive disorders.

"I just don't understand what's going on, every time I think I've got my bearings you find a way to trip me up again," he spoke earnestly and I nodded thoughtfully, I had seen this between people before. When something was hard you would confide in someone and you would feel a small amount better.

"You really want to know about all that stuff?" I asked and Sirius stretched like it would help my thought process at all and he took off the cloak he was wearing and as if it was some sort of sick joke he liked to play he was wearing the damn leather jacket underneath, why hadn't I just left it in the institute? He must be roasting, I made a bet with myself that his skin was even hotter than usual.

"I reckon just the lake and Lucius Malfoy could keep me quiet for now." He responded concisely and I nodded stiffly as he wrapped his still raw ruddy lips around his cigarette slowly; "I can pretty much guess the answers for everything else." I decided not to challenge it as I watched the smoke escape his mouth and turned to the fire to clear my head enough to speak a little;

" I thought I would figure out how to swim as I went along and I hit Lucius in the head with a big wooden box last year." I mumbled shyly, knowing it wasn't the most lady like thing to do but then remembering the horrible curse he had cast on me and shuddering. I felt a second shiver travel up my arms as I remembered waking up earlier than morning. This was such a strange Christmas day. The sun had set, there was probably about four hours left till boxing day. I jumped out of my skin a moment later as a great loud free bark of laughter broke through the room. Sirius was in fits of it, I couldn't think of a time I had seen someone laugh like that.

"You, you…" he was off again. He had gotten a second wind and this time I joined him half heartedly as he held his stomach from the pain of his apparently uncontrollable mirth. I probably would have been in the same state as him if he didn't keep throwing his head back and smiling like he had never felt better.

"You're such a" ---more barking--- "genius," he panted. I could feel warmth prickle the back of my neck and shiver down my back as my mind wandered unchecked.

"You're perfect, you're fucking perfect! I'm an idiot amn't I?" he looked at me with that I-can't-believe-it look and I raised an eyebrow, just the one, please hold your applause. I nodded my head carefully, too scared to speak, not knowing what I would say if I did.

"I never thought it was in me to love a woman but there you go, I love you, it's always been you, every fucking wet dream and unsatisfying shag was all your fault for fucking having terrible timing. I mean I should have known that I wasn't gonna meet the girl in some bar or through a friend or…" ---deciding whatever he was nattering on about could wait I threw myself at him. As soon as his skin touched mine I was like jelly, I moaned pathetically as I almost fell apart. I tried to pull myself together a small amount but I could only shiver and press closer against him. I sighed in relief when I kissed his mouth. I was already sucking on his lip and pressing against the still mostly present bulge in his jeans before he had even closed his eyes.  
Sirius wrapped his leather clad arms around me and let loose low lumbering groan against my feverish lips, a distant part of my brain had just decoded what Sirius had said. I pushed myself off of Sirius and felt my mouth fall open my eyes widen in shock.

"What did you just say?" I asked between heavy breaths, slightly louder than necessary so that I could hear it over my heart; Sirius just smiled at me lazily;

"You are such a fucking hot kisser," he hissed as he lent toward me again but I put a hand over his mouth to stop him as a smile crept across my mouth.

"Just---"  
"---What? For fuck sake, you are not doing this to me again. I've been watching you for a month. You know what it's like for a bloke like me to go years without any ...company?" 

"And didn't I tell you I would go to bed with you if you said you loved me?" I asked calmly and Sirius's stiff posture seemed to relax slightly as he moved toward me tenaciously. I stood up off the coach and walked over to the woodcutting of the light house on the wall;

~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~(Shield your eyes children/those with no interest in smut)~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"Where do you think this light house is?" I asked curiously as I tried to calm my breathing and keep away from laughing. There was barely a whisper of his steps across what was a really creaky floor. Within moments of emitting a growl on the coach, Sirius had pulled my back flush against his front. I bit my lip as I stared at the crudely illustrated lighthouse ahead of me; I could feel his erection at the base of my spine. He pulled my back against it forcefully and spoke into my ear:

"I want you." His jeans were rough against the back of my cotton knickers and the skin just above; his hands pushed heat through my body and I felt weak.

"I know." I said and pressed back against him gently; I hummed; "But maybe we should get some sleep, it's been a long day." I tried to pull myself away from him but he held on.

"Fucking Malfoys are so unbearable," he spat as the hand on my rib cage began to trace along the hem of my bra gently, I bristled.

"Don't compare me to them," I warned, "besides, Blacks aren't any better." He span me around and pressed my back to the wall with his hands on either side of my head. He towered over me.

"Why are you allowed to compare me to those psychopaths?" he asked and I stared up at him, I could feel him press to the front of my underwear, I felt about ready to burst into flames from the heat rolling off of him, weighing down the air around us;

"I was just stating a fact."

"You are such a hypocrite."

"and you're just a cute brat!" 

"and you're a fucking nutcase!" he growled and I grimaced;

"Wanker!" I prodded back firmly and he brought his mouth close to mine, I breathed in his breath.

"Not bloody likely with you around, the prim virgin that you are. " He pushed himself off the wall in one swift classically graceful movement. I was breathing hard, the surrounding air assaulted me with its chill but did nothing to slake my lust, of all the men in all the world I had to get myself stuck with that arse. What an incredible arse it was;

"Fuck you! Virginity is just a social construct!" I cried and began laughing. Already flushed and feverish from the whole damned day with Sirius and his beautiful body and his pouty mouth and his bright eyes. Sirius who was temperamental and reclusive and strangely optimistic and troublesome and basically taught me what it means to be sexy just by looking at me. Sirius who got so upset about his ongoing string of unattended erections that he looked close to tears before starting a tantrum and going into a sulk.

"You're right," I said between hiccupping little laughs as I clutched my soar belly, "I do have a sick sense of humour." I started laughing a little again and then started taking deep calming breaths; "Oh God, I can't breath!" I began another bout of raucous laughter. Sirius kicked the ground I probably could have calmed down at that point if I hadn't heard Sirius grumble:

"I hope you choke." and then before I could really think anything of it my mouth said;

"On what?" and I was off for what would have been a good minute and a half of mocking giggles if Sirius didn't scoop me off the ground to stand in front of him with a sort of an indistinguishable look in his eye and my laughter sort of died into a goofy sigh as I grinned at Sirius, he had me against the wall again. He was scowling and I rolled my eyes, his hands rested on my back, as I held both of mine flat to the wall at the level of my eye;

"Hey! Lighten up Bla- Black…" running his hands down my back Sirius swiftly gripped my bum and lifted me off the ground before grinding against me with unrelenting force. My arms flew around his neck as my back arched off the wall. Innumerable teeny tiny electric shocks had slipped through every nerve in my body and I felt all my muscles coil and tighten slightly. He was driving me insane in every way imaginable. I pressed back against him and he groaned against my throat.

"You're going to kill me. Why do we always have to argue?" he said in a low irresistibly fancy completely undone sort of way. I whimpered unintentionally when I opened my mouth to respond. I couldn't believe he had just done that, why hadn't he done that sooner? I began to pull at the lapels of his (my) leather jacket to show my intention but forgot every intention I had when Sirius closed the space between us to kiss me.

His lips pressed against mine insistently and I hummed as he pulled me against him with one hand and began to shake his other arm out of his coat. his hot wet lips practically burned through me and I wondered how I had even lasted this long. I wondered why people ever left their homes when they could be at home kissing, or in a lake kissing, or up against a wall in a lighthouse kissing.  
Sirius had managed to squirm out of his coat as we kissed and as it hit the floor with a heavy rustle of materiel I felt Sirius smirk against my mouth before moving his free hand to shamelessly palm my boob.

"Love your tits," he mumbled against my mouth. Suddenly the wall was absent from behind my back and Sirius was stumbling around the room as he began kissing my neck softly.

I sighed as I felt my heart flutter and Sirius sat me on the counter in the dim kitchenette. He pulled his black t-shirt over his head and quickly moved back toward me like my skin was the cure to some terrible illness he was suffering from. I was still fascinated at the sight of him, the tattoos, that little trail of hair headed south, several silvery scars. Did I mention how good he smelt? Or the sounds he made? Or how much of a blur everything was in the wake of the bliss he some how knew exactly how to make me feel? His hands seemed to be unwilling to settle as one moved from my neck down and up arm and up around my back leaving goose bumps in its wake and the other made me squeak as it snapped the band of my knickers against my hip;

"Oh God," someone said. He casually caught my nipple none too gently through the damned troublesome bra. Before I knew it my hands were grappling with the catch on Sirius's infuriatingly sexy trousers. What was he doing to me?

"My name isn't actually God you know," Sirius explained. Must've been me. Why was he so good at that?

"Would you prefer I called you something more fitting? Like vagabond or charlatan or-" He kissed me quiet. The button on his jeans finally gave and they fell to the floor with a definitive thud.

"I love you." I said as we pulled away and I felt like I was glowing, a goofy grin drew an unfamiliar path across my mouth. We loved each other, it was such a powerful, unstoppable thing, something that not a single person in the world knew about or would be happy to hear about was the most powerful perfect thing to ever happen, ever. I laughed and pulled him into a hug;

"I…" he started but I put my hand over his mouth and shook my head into his chest as I smiled. I pulled back, I loved every part of getting to know him, I loved his spirit and even though he wasn't exactly easy to spend time with I never wanted to stop spending time with him.

"I want this." I smiled and he nodded and I moved my hand away from his mouth.

"Me too." His breath fanned over my face. My skin flushed, I ignored it, I never used to be so reactive. God consent was sexy.

Sirius stepped over to the wire bed frame and reached his hand out toward me, he looked like a dream in the dim light. He looked like a dream in every light, but I had never seen anything beautiful enough in my life to inspire him. He gestured for me to join him with his large pale hand;

"Come here Juniper." I smiled tightly and lowered myself off the counter before walking over to him. His hand wrapped around mine securely and he pulled me close against him. We landed with a bouncing squeak on the bed as we disturbed the springs. I flipped us over with a loud creak of the bed so I lay on top of his, straddling his waist. I quickly twisted my long white blonde hair into a pile on the top of my head and pulled my wand from my cleavage to jam through it and pin it into place. Sirius placed his hand on my thigh.

I leaned down and kissed his cheek. For some reason I was slightly surprised that his tattoos weren't at all textured as I ran my hands over the soft warm skin of his chest, I did notice a few small ridges of scar tissue however. I could feel Blacks harsh breath shifting my hair.

"Take of your damned top," he ordered and I blushed shyly.

"It isn't a top it's just a bra."

"Don't you ever get tired of teasing me?" he asked.

"Do you ever get tired of being teased?" I asked. I wondered if my smile had to be quite so smug but decided to leave it be. He reached up to trace the side of my cheek and he pulled me down to kiss him. I instantly moaned over his mouth as I felt him tug on my wand, my hair fell down around us. I felt Sirius's lip curve to match the expression on my own.  
"Yes, actually," he replied. A slight feeling of dread curled my stomach before in a light, scandalizing whoosh, the last stitch of cloth I wore vanished. I pulled my mouth off Sirius's as I gasped in shock. My wide eyes staring outraged into his triumphant amused gaze. My hands crossed across my chest to cover my loose breasts which tingled at the drop of their weight. Sirius placed my wand on the small table by the bed with a light clatter. My mouth and my eyes squeezed shut as he shifted below me to reach the nightstand. Every part of me lay bare against the panels of his warm shifting muscle and a red blush stained my cheeks as I became hyper aware that he must be able to feel the flushed, damp heat of my vulva pressed to his abdomen.

I was turned onto my back on the bed, hands still covering my breasts. Sirius's body whispered lightly over mine and I knew that even if I was ready to sleep with Sirius I may not be well enough prepared to survive sleeping with a man like him. A man who played my body like I was a violin and he was first chair on the Phil-harmonic. I could feel myself lying naked below him like a breathing contradiction. 

"Do they give you lessons in how to stay out of trouble by looking that sexy?" I asked scathingly and Sirius smiled ruefully;

"You say that like I have a good track record for staying out of trouble," he pointed out and I reflected on his recent jail time. I shook my head as I thought of what a mess my life was.

"Would you consider yourself a trouble maker Sirius?"

"I pride myself on it." he whispered over my mouth before licking the seam of my top lip. Oh sod it;

"Show me," I dared him. His hands were already blazing a trail down the sides of my arms as he caught my bottom lip between his and pulled on it gently before speaking over the roar of my own erotic thoughts;

"No more teasing," he warned and my belly flipped as he went on; "I'm only one man Love and I can only take so much." I rolled my eyes at his dramatics but in a way my pounding heart reflected his sentiments, I nodded hastily and acquiesced;

"I'm ready." and apparently that did it because within three beats of my racing heart Sirius had fixed my hands onto the head board with his own and had started kissing a line of searing delicious kisses down my neck. He bit lightly at the dip of collar bone. I gasped, his hands moved from where he had placed them over mine and he planted a light unexpectedly tender kiss on my lightly trembling lips, groaning hotly over my mouth. My head started to spin as his deep gravely posh voice filled the room with a husky demand;

"Just hold on and try to relax for a while, okay Jude?" he asked and I pressed my lips together stubbornly. You would swear he was going to reset all my bones or something but I nodded obligingly anyway because damned if it wasn't hot to just give over to him.

"Such a brat," I remarked, he kissed my cheek. He kissed my neck. He sucked my puckered nipple into the impossible heat of his dangerous mouth like a damned grape and my back snapped into an unchecked S-bend. My grip tightened on head board above me as my toes curled. Sirius's other hand had my neglected left nipple in a light grip. He pulled his mouth off of my aching breast without warning and I groaned as my whole body felt like it was unraveling. His teeth grazed over me daringly and he kissed across to the middle of my chest gently. His careful educated movements unhinged me more then anything.

Sirius started placing open mouthed kisses along my abdomen and I tried my best not to ask what in the hell he thought he was doing. We were going to hell for this, no one could have this much fun outside of heaven and get away with it.

"The first man to hold my hand was you," I told him. I felt him smile as he kissed the light protrusion of my hip bone. I readjusted my grip on the bed, my fingers trembled ever so slightly with the need to feel the heat of him.

"Good," he responded. It was like he had declared war on my inhibitions and now he was celebrating at the after party. Apparently in cahoots with every hormone, and pulsing component in my body.

Sirius's stubble scraped the inside of thigh and I huffed as I looked down at him. My eyes took in the broad plain of Sirius's pale subtly inked-in back and then shamelessly goggled right out of my head to get a good view of his perfect round arse. My head flopped back on the pillow almost instantly. Completely mortified at my own obscenity as a rush of heat seemed to pump through my veins at a hundred miles an hour and set me alight. I stared at the dilapidated ceiling, unseeing, for a moment. I thought of Sirius casually rested at the tops of my thighs, he lifted on of my legs over his shoulder.

Then his mouth was on me and the sensation was heartbreaking. Sirius began a sort of soft pulling and lapping that felt anything but soft, it was nothing short of intense. I felt a fluttering, right from my head to my toes. My hands flew from the post and knotted into his hair in heartbeat. This was it. An undeniable sense of relief washed over me as my body felt soothed. My aches left me under his ministrations. Suddenly his finger had slipped into the sheath I had only myself discovered recently. His mouth working diligently and when I groaned, so did he. When I shifted to get closer, he pulled me closer again. He slipped a hand over my other thigh and threw it over his shoulder. His right hand still occupied curving and pressing up against the roof of the cavern within me. The space which was atlast being filled. Suddenly the soft trickle, the tingle, clapped like thunder and I almost asked what I was happening even though it had already been explained to me.

"Please," I cried out. He seemed to understand as he redoubled his efforts and pulled the source of my pleasure into his mouth, his wicked tongue writhing over it. Then it happened. My breath was short and quick, my mouth parted, my legs shook. He didn't move away, he brought me up to the top and back again. Carrying me carefully, I felt my muscles fidget around his hand as my whole body seemed to melt like putty. My hands relaxed in his curly black hair. His scratchy cheek rested on my thigh and he let out this little sort of sigh. Like he had been waiting to do that for a century. I sucked in air through my teeth, he planted a kiss on the pink frills between my legs and I felt it all the way through my body.

"Yeah," I whispered to him and he eventually lifted his head. I smiled down at him.

Sirius began to kiss back up my tummy lightly. I gasped as he ran his tongue along the edge of my boob against my ribs,

I sat up. He sat back with me and I grabbed his hair and tugged him to my mouth. Sirius kissed back with such fervour that I almost melted like ice-cream when his tongue breached my mouth but I was so far past boiling point that all I could think of was whistling steam. I pressed against his chest pointedly and remembered how weak I was compared to him. He was like a rock but he tipped back anyway and we lay upside down on the bed. He stared up at me looking deliciously disheveled. I spoke against his mouth, I did everything against him;

"It's ok Sirius; I promise I'll respect you in the morning." He leaned forward to catch my lips and I pulled back to avoid him. He let his head bounce back toward the mattress and rolled his eyes at me as I smiled down at him. I stared at the column of his throat for a moment, I traced my finger along the bump in his throat and smiled as I watched his skin prickle. I began trailing kisses along his addictive hot tattooed chest. I passed a small fading tattoo toward his navel and saw it was hooked like a J. I instantly took a liking to it and decided that it was my favourite. I placed an open mouthed kiss over it and inhaled the scent of his skin. His whole body was like a wonderful accident of nature, hard to believe he even existed.

I sighed against him before glancing down past my shaking hand rested on his hip, and my tenders breasts grazing along his abdomen. I won't pretend I was prepared for what I saw but before I could really take in the proud jutting heat of him my hand was already on him. I felt nerves flutter across my stomach as a rational part of my mind fretted over how he was going to fit inside me. A more lecherous part of my mind seemed to be delighting in finding out as I wrapped my hand around him in a tentative grip. When I looked him over then, laid out before me, all the pieces finally fit together. 

I rubbed over the soft firm flesh, nerves over taken with troublesome curiosity. I pulled my hand off him as if I had been burned when he shifted violently below me and cried out my name loudly in the most how-wet-can-you-get tone he had come out with so far. My heart jolted. I held my arm utterly startled as I turned to Sirius guiltily;

"I'm sorry," I said as I blushed deeply and grimaced. Had I hurt him? He pulled himself up on his elbows. My hand rested just above his navel and fiddled over his skin with a small figure of eight.

"You should be," he murmured as he sort of collapsed back against the bed. My hand balled into a loose fist.

"Did I hurt you?" I asked shyly and he exhaled heavily;

"It was good like everything you do and you know it," he said like I was making him recite a particularly dull and offensive ode to the wonders of his family name. I pressed my lips into a line as my hand slipped toward him again; I pulled him into my hand carefully and his hips snapped up toward me sharply and my own hip swayed accordingly. I pulled over him again and his whole front shuddered; "Oh fuck finally," he groaned out and I was spurred on.

I smiled mischievously as I began to run my lips along the torturous teasing line of dark hair headed toward his cock, his voice whispering through me. I tried to keep my hand steady as I touched him with less and less reserve. I was compelled by the surprisingly velvet soft skin of the part of him which was the source of so much of my trouble. Without much thought I soon rested with my head over his bizarrely arousing firm anatomy. I lent forward gently and pressed my mouth to the slightly moist tip. It was soft and he tasted tangy, my tongue explored along him trying to commit every feeling and heated corrupting detail to memory as I sighed lightly. The tightness I didn't even realise had formed in my chest relaxed considerably, I don't know what sort of complicated rigmarole I had been expecting but this felt as warm and soft and naturally intimate as everything I had shared with Sirius.

I started to wonder if we could be contrived even if we wanted to, when we were sort of free-flowing people. I suppose we just caught up in each others current. I pulled my hair over my shoulder before bracing a palm against his thigh;

"Jodie--- uhh… you, just. Damn you're.." he sucked in a breath of air past his teeth and though I certainly wouldn't congratulate him on his decorum, my belly didn't seem to mind as it went in to complex acrobatics at every sound he made; typical.

I felt his hand knot into the back of my hair as his hips rose of the bed toward me. He tipped his head toward me looking completely undone. I shrugged, took the hint and wrapped my mouth around him again shivering as I did so.I made a fist around the base of his cock and pulled more of him past my tingling lips. He thrust up shallowly and the sounds he made were more erotic then any image my mind could conjure up, even nude and flushed and vulgar he was just the most elegant man.

I felt strangely consumed in his reactions and began to build a cautious tug and pull rhythm, I could see Sirius's hand clutch on the sheet somewhere off to the periphery vision as his breath came ragged and I hummed around him as I felt like I was sort of getting the hang of it. Just as I thought this however he heaved what sounded almost like a sob.

"Fuck, wait, just…" he barked and I pulled my mouth off of him with a pop, startled. He groaned again and I sat up slowly, as if I moving to fast would spook him. I ran my tongue over my lips unconsciously. They felt heavy and I pulled my hand from Sirius to prod them lightly;

"Did I….?" wondering if I had done something wrong. Sirius just shrugged and waved his hand in a noncommittal gesture as he panted beside me, I crawled up beside him to look at his face. His eyes were closed tight and his mouth set, I kissed the edge of it and he let out a snuffly laugh. His hand pulled up around my bare waist, tactfully ignoring my scars. I wondered how it would ever leave my body as it didn't seem built to fade. He pulled me into him and his breath fanned out as he laughed into the crook of my neck;

"It's just been a while." he mumbled against my clavicle and I took in a shaky breath. Him and his other times doing things, I pinched the side of his arm and ran my hand into his hair;

"I don't want to hear it," I told him and he kissed the side of my shoulder. I could feel him smiling and I wondered if he was doing it on purpose, raising a suspicious eyebrow;

"To be honest I am glad we didn't meet when I was younger," he mumbled and I felt his hand trail down my side.

"Really?" I asked skeptically, glad that I didn't sound as over-heated as I felt as my heart hammered in my chest and Sirius acted as if he barely noticed his own damn hand searing through my skin over the side of my hip. His mouth ghosted over my skin as he spoke;

"If I had met you then I wouldn't have had a clue what to do with you." I bit the inside of my cheek as I wondered what exactly he thought he was doing to me in that moment. I gasped as his hand ghosted up the back of my thigh.

"Oh," I sighed and then tried to cover it with nonchalance; "I wouldn't say that." I cleared my throat and began to collect my thoroughly scrambled thoughts carefully--- Smack.

"Ah." I cried out as my mouth fell open and Sirius's mouth came into view flashing a mischievous grin.

"Come to think of it, neither would I," he announced. I blushed deeply as I stared into his dancing bright grey gaze. My bum smarted lightly and Sirius seemed to have no intention of removing his hand. It was like he was taking every opportunity he could to manhandle me just to see if he could get away with it. I felt my lip curl into what would have been a sneer if I wasn't lying (naked) on top of Sirius Black (also naked) in possibly the sunniest happiest most glowing perfect moment of my life. So I just start grinning at him like a fool and then decided his silly smile was going to make the room explode all on its own meaning that it was up to me to find a new occupation for his mouth. I took it upon myself to lavish a long ridiculous lick up the side of Sirius's face. When I pulled back I carefully memorised his features as they rearranged themselves carefully to say ok-now-you-are-freaking-me-out. I just shrugged and smiled down at him;

"What?" I asked as I wiped the side of his face with my hand; "Is that not a dog thing?" he stared at me blankly for a moment before catching my smiling mouth with his. His lips forcefully willing mine into heated discombobulated submission as he flipped me under him so fast I wondered if he even knew how close he was to throwing us onto the floor. I pulled back a fraction but ended up just breathing out my words over his perfect soft crushable lips;

"You're such a lecher," he bit my lip so fully he actually managed to pull it about an inch from my mouth before releasing it. Little zips flashed through my belly as his lust darkened stormy grey perfect eyes stared through to my most likely eerie as usual colourless ones;

"Stop talking," he ordered and he was on me again. My lip stung slightly but for some bizarre reason that just made me crazier. He was driving me out of my mind.

I could feel Sirius's hand tickle my inner thigh and my breath hitched, I would never have enough of this. Of him. I was frigid without him.

I don't know why I reacted like I wasn't expecting it but I suppose in a way I wasn't expecting to feel quite as I did. Like rain after a drought or the sun rising after a Norwegian Winter, when he eventually touched me again I needed it so much that all I could do was sigh as I melted off of him and sank into the mattress as he lavished my body with the most careful exploratory caress. One of his hands occupied itself barely grazing over the edge of my rib cage and my left breast as the other touched parts of my body that I didn't even know were there until he found them.

As my legs gave and spread unreservedly to receive his touch my head thrashed to the side and my back arched up to meet him. For the first time I think a part of my body managed to be warmer then Sirius as his warm dextrous hand worked to sooth the over heated hypersensitive puckered folds between my legs. Unexpectedly my hips launched themselves off the bed and began to make sporadic desperate movements in search for more of his incredible suspiciously well intoned touch. I heard my stuttering groan as if from a distance and as if responding to the call my hands sprang to life and quickly pulled Sirius's large powerful masculine hands to move more forcefully against my body as I writhed uncontrollably. Sirius grunted harshly against my cheek as I increased the pressure of his hand against me and began to sway my hips accordingly in desperate need for release;

"Fuck you're so wet," he groaned against my ear and I blushed deeply at the sound of his voice and at my own give away. I opened my mouth to defend that it was all his fault but some how all that came out was a pleading moan.

Suddenly my whole body felt like it was floating about a meter above my head, as Sirius grazed what had proven itself to be the centre of my mind-numbing arousal. That blue potion better not wear out or I'd probably die. Sirius swept an arm under my arching back and held me to him as he pressed his thumb to that wonderful spot again making every fiber in my body snap and remould again and again as all I could manage to do was breath through it. I wondered if you could die from heat that probably wasn't even there.

"There?" he asked casually as he ran light barely there circles over the heated needy flesh, making my hips jerk up to increase his pace. My toes curled as my hands which had released his to grip onto the covers beside me snapped up to clutch around Sirius's neck and hold on for dear life. I could feel my body climbing some never ending mountain. I either needed to jump off the top or to have a very cold shower to cool myself in the wake of the ever nearing sun.

My legs began to shake lightly as I opened my mouth to release a sort of delicate wanton sob. I felt like every pore in my body was screaming and was glad I wasn't nearer my wand for fear of what could happen. I began to panic as my body heaved and I tried to hold myself together. My body jerked so violently I wondered if I was having some sort of conniption when suddenly my whole body stilled and I realised why. He had stopped.

He looked at me like I had just descended from the heavens and he looked so turned-on that I thought I might be able to tip over the mountain just at the sight of him. But I couldn't, I needed his hand on me. I doubted I would even be able to find that spot on my own. His treacherous lips moved against mine as he spoke;

"Are you on any sort of contraceptives?" he asked and I felt my brow furrow. He glanced down between us and despite my fury I still flushed shyly.

"I don't know, why? Is there something wrong?" I asked wondering if contra-whatever's made it feel different down there or something. If he could tell if I had one without me even knowing. Like having a freckle on that spot on your back that you can't see.

"You don't know?" he asked like I should and I whimpered lightly;

"Stop confusing me," I hissed as I arched up against him; "If I am going to die then I am going to die from your suspiciously well practiced touch not from being deprived of it." my mouth said in all its strangely timed coherence, but Sirius's body did not give as easily to my touch as I had become so used to. I slid my hand down his stomach ready to pull out the big guns when suddenly his hand was over mine.

"Malfoy," he grated out. His breath shuddered slightly under the scrape of my fingernails. "This is not a good time to be getting pregnant," he hissed like it was a warning and my heart throbbed in my chest painfully before returning to the accelerated rhythm. The sight of Sirius, so perfectly swollen-lipped and heavy-lidded. I shook my head;

"I won't." I told him and then looked up into my fringe as he huffed like I was being naive; "I can't." I affirmed sharply before meeting Sirius's eye fleetingly. "I've had the Mumps, it happens." I coughed to clear my throat as my stomach batted with nerves; "I'm sorry," I apologised, I felt like I should. God this wasn't something I ever thought I would have to think about. Sirius grabbed my chin to try and meet my now closed eyes. Was this going to be a problem? He said it wasn't a good time, was there a good time coming? Sirius ran a thumb along my cheek.

"Maybe still, just in case."

"Alright." I didn't move, I didn't know what he meant.

"And don't apologise." He was looking at me and for a moment I remembered I was there too, and he was focusing on me as much as I was focusing on him.

"I should be gentler with you," I said, "but you drive me crazy. I forget I'm here, I forget you can hear what I'm saying, I get so caught up in what you're going to say back. I'm sorry." I reached up to touch his hair, and really felt it between my fingers.

"Am I really here?" he asked, so quietly as though he thought asking might break a spell. I hugged him and tried to fill him up with light. I felt the cords blur, I felt him tense.

"I'm real, it's real."

"I love you." he told me, and my mouth pulled up toward my eyes of its own accord and my heart decided that it wasn't beating fast enough already. "I love you Jodie," he repeated, as he trailed his hand back down my stomach and kissed along my neck, "and I can't love you for what you're not." His hand found my vulva again. Every other thoughts or feelings besides burning all-encompassing passion and slow lazy affection were instantly banished in the wake of this.

His strong left hand swept over my side to hold my hips in place firmly as one of his long insatiable fingers began to move within me. My arms and legs felt like jelly as my fingers and toes curled and uncurled repeatedly, desperately seeking purchase as Sirius pressed his thumb onto that spot which he had thankfully memorised the location of. My eyes snapped shut to a view of scattered twinkling white spots.

"You're close?" he asked.

"I hope so." My back arched, shoving my breasts up against his magnetic body. I wouldn't be able to take much more without some sort of release. His left hand reached and grabbed my wand from the cabinet beside the bed and he pointed it at himself briefly.

"Just to be safe," he mumbled.

His hand removed itself from me again and in my panicked hazy state I was more or less ready to knock him over, have my way with him and then kill him. Unfortunately, I realised that it felt like my limbs had been filled with lead. It was like someone had turned the gravity up. I opened my eyes carefully to see Sirius looking down at me with this crazy mixture of feelings. He planted a bruising kiss on my lips. I reached brazenly for his erection and was immediately gratified at his response.

His focus slipped as his hips bucked against my touch frustrated. His mouth moved clumsily over mine, indiscernible noises forming low in his chest rumbled against my cheek. I wondered how long I could get away with it before he eventually acquiesced to touch me or we passed out from the limited oxygen. Despite his eager reaction to my increasingly confident ministrations, my wrists were suddenly pinned above my head and a good five inches of air appeared between Sirius's mouth and mine. The biggest gap we had succeeded in creating for quite a while. 

"What do you think?" he asked, and I raised an eyebrow. My heart jumped as I felt the blunt tip of his cock pressing against my aching overly sensitive genitals.

"Are you kidding me?" I asked. I slipped a leg around his waist. His large hand brushed over my pale arm on its way to take a firm grip on the side of my thigh.

He was so… good looking, for a brat. He shook his head lightly and moved down to kiss my pink cheek.

"Yes, Sirius, do it," I said, kicking a heel into his calf.

"I need a minute."

"Oh, well by all means."

We laughed together just for a moment but I felt my belly shiver in anticipation as our laughter died and he gazed down at me soberly. His eyes searched mine and I placed a light peck on his slightly parted lips. Kissing the ghost of his laughing smile. We would have to leave the light house tomorrow. It didn't do to dwell, we both knew that. Sirius and I, Sirius and I.

The sea and the crackling fire and the too-squeaky bed rested on the creaking old oak floor. This moment with him was all I would need to smile for the rest of my life.

"I won't let you down," I said. He pressed his forehead against mine and watched my eyes as his hand moved from my thigh and slipped between my legs. He kissed me again, swallowing my poorly controlled vocal reaction to the increasing pressure he began to apply to that spot.

The kiss became sloppy and unreserved as I was reduced to a panting pleading mess under his touch.

"Just try and relax Love." his breath whispered over my mouth and I nodded minutely as my head span with no notable intention of pause. He couldn't threaten me with love any more. Not again, not after this. The first thing I thought as the head of his penis entered me was that it was going to be fine. There was no pain, only a strange sort of stretching sensation and a jolt of pleasure as his wonderful hand shifted over what had become my favourite spot on my whole body.

"Relax," he spoke harshly over my cheek, as if he was under great strain. Unfortunately at that particular moment I had my own issues to be dealing with. After beginning to breath again my body seemed to notice there was a certain ignoramus trying to climb into my body, fucking giant cock fucking first. I felt Sirius's whole body shudder over me as he took a hot heavy breath.

Finally Sirius stopped moving forward with a deep groan and took my hand from his cheek to kiss it sweetly like some sort of gentleman who wasn't ravishing me as he did it.

He groaned deeply and shifted further forward inside me as I released my harshly bitten lip from between my teeth with a light whimper of complaint, the showy bastard still wasn't fully inside me. Did he ever end?! I grated my teeth against the increasingly forceful pressure;

"Do you want me to stop?" Sirius gasped, He had noticed my discomfort.

"No." I was too stubborn to let my own stupid vagina ruin this for me. I was going to have sex with Sirius Black and that was that;

"You uhh…" he groaned as his head dipped into the cleft of my shoulder and I felt my muscles convulse around him in their discombobulated response to this never before seen intrusion.

"What?!" I exclaimed in a tone so high-pitched in was verging on shrill, and I had a deep enough voice for a girl;

"Fuck," he readjusted his grip on my thigh sending a jolt of rattling pain up my spine before actually resting into a much more amicable position;

"You need to relax," he wheezed out like it was news to him. I wondered how it was that I was still immeasurably aroused.

"Ok." 

"I love you," he said and I nodded as his hands slipped around my waist to move us more centrally on the bed and I laced my arms around his neck to pull him closer to me. His hips tipped forward. Once he was fully within me I did find it easier to relax. My fear of the unknown seemed to pass away and I remembered to breath.

"Are you okay?" he spoke hoarsely and my heart picked up at the idea of actually enjoying sex with Sirius. I smiled up at him and he smiled cautiously back down at me;

I tensed myself around him, thankfully painlessly.

"Are you doing that on purpose?" he hissed through his apparent nervous break down. I tried to look innocent but it was hard when an escaped convict is buried to the hilt in your trembling over heated lady bits and he is looking at you like you're dangerous.

"Why? Does it bother you?" I asked in faux concern, he bared his teeth as his hips wiggled slightly and I bit my lips as the friction caused my temperature to shoot up by about ten or so dizzying degrees.

"You aren't exactly making it easy to take things slow." He allowed his lips to move so closely against mine that he was practically speaking into my mouth, "Just set the pace love."

Sirius moved carefully inside me, setting off shots of twirling pleasure through to every nerve ending as the friction seemed to pull on the inside of parts of my body that I didn't for a moment expect to be there.

I ran my tongue across my dry tingling lip and tasted the heavy tang of my own sweat sourced from the unstoppable storm of heat raging through my middle. Pulling myself away from Sirius as much as his firm grip on my thigh would allow I sighed at the gentle relief of the friction. I moved away and let loose what could easily be described as a growl when I thrust my hips back around the whole of his cock. Taking his cue, Sirius set to shagging me in earnest.  
He ran his lips along my cheek bone before pressing them gently to my pliant mouth sweetly. I bit the inside of my cheek as he followed up the tender gesture with an endless tirade of expert thrusts.

I cried out as my toes curled and my eyes closed tight shut, my torso rubbing lightly against the tattoos on Sirius's front as my back arched dramatically. I opened my eyes to see Sirius smiling cheekily down at me making my insides squirm;

"There?" he asked and I nodded in slight shock as he smirked down at me like he had just found the holy grail, which to be honest would have been disappointing in comparison.

He repeated the movement making me whimper and released his own low rumbling growl of approval as he seamlessly hit the same spot inside me with each burning depth defying swing of his hips. I rocked back against him boldly and we groaned louder together. Sirius rubbed his hands intuitively over my body before one hand slipped between us and applied generous pressure to the neglected collection of live-to-serve nerves within the soft hot folds between my legs. My head lashed from side to side as my blood seared through my veins, pumping faster and faster through me with each rhythmic piston of Sirius's hips.

My hands ran into his hair and pulled his mouth down on mine for a long inelegant heated kiss as the wondrous friction of his body over mine caused us to simply pant hotly against each others mouths.

"Please I---" My body seemed to sigh and relax like waking up after a steady nights sleep. Sirius landed one more thrust in my gracelessly convulsing anatomy and placed a searing kiss on my raw lips. He said something or other which I once again failed to hear before I finally fell off the other side of the damned scale model of mount Everest Sirius had spent all night working up.

When I closed my eyes I saw only a twinkling mass of light. Somewhere beyond my own raucous, mind-blowing, toe-curling bliss I was vaguely aware of Sirius's firm grip controlling the violent jerking of my hips. I could hear Sirius release his own guttural growl against my mouth as my body relaxed. My eyes felt heavy along with every bone in my body, I giggled lightly as I was eventually able to take in a breath;

~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~(Oh the humanity!)oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"You've done it." I cried melodramatically flopping against the mattress; "You've melted my bones." I told him as I closed my eyes contently not caring if there wasn't a bone left in my body as my heart began to join me in my happy I'm-surprised-I'm-alive-after-that glow.

"and I was using those," I complained. His gaze remained open and carnal and wicked and entirely loving he rolled so he could lie on his back. His voice was deep and perfect when he spoke;

"Only you could find something negative to blame me for after…" his hand went slack above his head as he stared at the raftered roof, "that." my belly flipped as I noticed how undone he still was. He cleared his throat as I began tracing over his J tattoo with my index finger.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a voice I thought oddly shy to be coming from his mouth of all mouths. I smiled at the J on his skin.

"I am. I can happily confirm that sex is jubilant." I could barely move.  
"That wasn't sex," he informed me and my eyebrows shot up into my still sweat dampened fringe.

"It wasn't?" I asked alarmed and Sirius shook his head.

"No, I've had sex Jodie and sex is nothing like that." I wrinkled my nose as I tried to catch his meaning which he seemed to be equally flustered in search for before I snickered lightly.

"Are you going to write in your diary about how you made love for the first time?" I crooned. Sirius shook his head resolutely as I smiled mockingly. He turned away from me.

"Maybe I will." he muttered aloud before rippling as he stretched leisurely and folded his hands below his head; he smirked at the roof.

"I though I had gone deaf and I didn't even care." I let slip thinking it humorous in retrospect but biting my lip as soon as I realised how unbearable Sirius would be if I let his ego swell anymore. My wand snapped into my hand and I moved the duvet to cover Sirius and I with a swish.

"You have got to stop doing stuff like that," Sirius hissed as he began to curl a hand through my overly long hair. But I just nuzzled closer to Sirius's musky skin.

"Merry Christmas you lecherous mutt," I mumbled against his skin and he yawned deeply below me.

"You have no idea," he said gently and I traced over his curvy J tattoo one more time before falling asleep.


	49. Boxing Day

Chapter 49

Boxing Day

My stomach lurched and I jolted in the bed, my body reacting to my dream. I felt as if I had returned to the night I had rescued Sirius. Once more I was forced to leap from my broom, rushing toward the water as it rushed back. It was a wonder we had found our way down there in the night. Sirius remained asleep, oblivious to the world. He huffed against my breast.

For half a second it was the nicest start to a boxing day I had ever experienced, which is really saying something considering there were no left-over's to be had. I loved Christmas food, not to mention I had just fallen out of a nightmare, which I didn't love.

But just like everything in my new high-action life, it was not to last. I looked up from Sirius's sleeping face to stare down the end of a wand.

"Isn't this cosy?" These words were spoken as if to no one in particular. Oh no.  
"Please!" I whispered, staring passed the wand into the familiar eyes of my assailant.   
Sirius shifted beside me.  
"Get away from him," he said. I shook my head, he didn't understand.  
"Remus," I barely made a sound, I mouthed around the breath. Sirius was waking up. To say Remus looked livid would be putting it lightly, even the patches on his robes seemed more strained. It was surreal to see him there. I had never seen my hands looking more red. Or more naked.  
Remus wasn't looking at me anymore, I felt Sirius eyelashes batting against my neck. They were looking at each other.

"Moony?" Sirius's breath burned the skin of my neck, his arm around me were far too tight. The one word seemed to hold so much weight. Somewhere between a question and an answer. I felt like I was being cracked in half. How had Remus found us? His expression flitted between recognition and ire. Like he had been given a hug that felt, for all its familiar warmth, like an unrelenting punch in the face. 

If I held my breath, I could see the silver ropes binding us. The connection between Remus and Sirius was so unclear, there was a half dozen other people knotted between them. I could tell Remus didn't want to hurt me. No body moved.

"Let go of me," I instructed Sirius. I had to push him a little to get free. Remus let me. He kept his wand on Sirius. He was out-manned. Jesus, where were my clothes?

Sirius remained on the bed, his head at it's foot. I don't know if they were aware that they were breathing together. Remus's skin was red, he ground his teeth. 

Sirius tried: "Pettigrew, he---" but Remus wouldn't allow it.  
"Don't!" he roared, and he span to face me, oh. His wand cracked like a whip, but his intent hit me first. I ducked, screaming, and covered my ears. The room was momentarily filled with light.  
"Stop," Sirius bellowed, shooting up like a jack-in-the-box a heartbeat too late. The wall beyond where my head had been was blackened. I crouched wide-eyed and watched it smoke.  
The next thing I registered was a very naked Sirius scrambling over the mattress with it's shrieking springs and grabbing my wand. Remus pointed his wand at the bed, and it shot toward Sirius, scraping across the worn floor.  
"Bloody---" Sirius blasted the iron frame toward the opposite wall where it banged against the powdery plaster, dust sprang from the impact. Sirius picked up the lamp off the nightstand and chucked it in Remus's general direction. With a silent wave of his wand, Remus shattered the porcelain in the air, splattering oil across the floor.   
"Remus," I said, I was too quiet. I slowly rose back to my feet and stared, mouth gaping, at the stain on the wall that was meant for me.   
"Sirius." My voice was louder, but it still wasn't enough. They just kept firing, the rooms was filled with flashes and bangs. I could smell smoke. A plate narrowly missed my thigh and smashed into Sirius's stomach. My eyes flitted between the two.  
"Oof," Sirius complained. I groaned and walked, head bowed, behind the couch. I found the discarded Scooby-Doo t-shirt and put it on with relief. Usually when Remus cast a spell he said a nonsense word, but not now. No soft phrase past through his scarred lips. I stood to see them both. I had missed him through all of this, now I could never have him. He looked the same as ever, yet totally unrecognisable as he grimaced, and tried to strike Sirius down. Sirius looked like some sort of avenging God, his nudity like some noble threat. It probably wasn't helping his case with Remus who had told me more than once that he couldn't stand beautiful men.  
A red beam of light missed Remus by a hairs with, and I so wanted to be on his side. He bared his teeth.  
"What? Did you two think it would be funny for her talk to me? Is that it?" Remus asked. A blue streak of light cracked off the side of the wooden mantel. I regretted not taking the innumerable to mention Remus to Sirius when I had the chance. Or visa versa for that matter;

"Who? Is there something else I haven't done that you've decided to blame me for?" Then Remus glanced at me, then Sirius glanced at me, and I knew it was painted on my face. "You know each other?" Don't be jealous.  
"It's not like that," I said, as though that would do anything but scoop more mud from my grave.  
"You know her?" Sirius asked, barely blocking a stream of half-hearted flame.  
"I know she's a damned good liar," Lupin said and I pursed my lips from my side of the couch. They were both sweating.

"I never lied to you Remus!" I protested. Lupin snorted derisively and a curse hit the sofa, smelling of seared upholstery.

"Shut up," demanded Sirius in an almost pleading tone. I was about to retort when I realised he was fighting Remus very dramatically in the nude. It occurred to me that he was trying to make me invisible, maybe to keep me safe. Then I wondered if it was because I was naked and he was a possessive prole. Either way he was being stupid, but quite adorable.

I held my breath, watched the threads, and pulled my wand out of Sirius's hand. It hit my hand with a thunk. Sirius yelped as Remus raised his own in triumph, shooting me a grateful, calculating look. I bit my lip and pointed my wand at him. I held out my hand and tugged the thread to his wand. After a moments resistance, it flew through the air. A second thunk.

"You know sometimes it takes a little punch up like this for me to realise just how out of hand things can get in a very short space of time," I said to the two men. They stared at each other, they gasped for air. They looked at me with all their questions, before sneering in such a similar manner that I wanted to laugh. Why hadn't at least told one of them about the other?   
"Boys please, this isn't what it looks like." They took this statement as an incentive to close the space between them. It happened so quickly, in seconds, fists were flying. Remus grappled a naked Sirius to the floor, and I couldn't even enjoy it. "Stop!" I pleaded, to no avail.  
Both men landed jaw-clacking fists across each others faces, and grunted as punches cracked over collar bones, and buried themselves in stomachs.

My eyes widened as I clambered over the couch and scrambled toward them.

"Stop!" I cried again, reaching out toward them in preparation to grab one of them before the back pull of a fist almost caught me and I flinched back. I stomped my foot and ordering; "Stop!" again and trying to grab any purchase I could to remove one from the other. I cleared the swinging distance of the two men as they huffed at over each other.

"Traitor!" hissed Remus between breaths.

"Liar!" Sirius ground out, and I pulled my lip up in an awkward expression. He was definitely, irrationally, jealous. Pointing my wand at the two men I half pushed the light in my panic, I miscast and instead of putting space between them I put myself between them. For a moment Remus still had a punch pulled back for Sirius's rib. When he met my eyes his mouth just fell open. He panted into my face. I heard Sirius curse quietly behind me. I pressed my hand to Remus's chest and began to push him away. We all lay on our sides, Remus facing Sirius and I. Remus allowed himself to be pushed flat onto his back, still a gentleman apparently.

"Jude," Sirius started but I elbowed his torso behind me.

"I'm the only lying traitor here so just…" I put my hands out in front of me and paced my palms out as if in surrender; "Stop." I saw the edge of Remus's moustache twitch over a cut lip.

"I would thank you not to meddle in things you don't understand," he spoke through gritted teeth. I noticed his eye flicker to his wand in my hand and I redoubled my grip on it.   
"Remus please." I attempted to dissuade his ire. It wasn't working and I felt Sirius stiffen at my back most likely in response to my obvious familiarity with the never before mentioned Mr. Lupin. I huffed. "He didn't do it," I stated clearly. I saw a muscle jump in his neck before Remus curled his lip.

"Move Jodie." His voice rose slightly and I could practically hear Sirius saying something stupid before he even started speaking. "You're not the first to be taken in by this man, and you won't be the last."

"Put your clothes on Black," I advised. Sirius got up and went to get his jeans. Remus watched me fidget with his wand. I'd return it in a moment. Using my own wand I summoned the black tube Remus had once given Sirius. I help it out to Remus.

Remus stared at my hand and sat up. I had extended my torn, injured arm. Remus looked thoroughly done-in, in his tweed coat over his dark slacks. Breathing hard, scarred, bashed and bruised, he stared at my hand. I retracted it and sat down on the ground. Sirius stood where the bed had been and watched us. Remus sat up and back on his right hand. I surreptitiously fused his hand to the ground, hoping he wouldn't notice or be able to lunge. He noticed immediately however and hissed as he jarred his battered body in an attempt to dislodge the spell.

"Just leave it," I said. He stopped shifting. By the strain of his posture I could see he was still trying to free his palm.

"What is going on?" Remus asked. He stared at his wand in my hand.

"I don't know what you mean?" I replied, and Lupin shook his head.

"Black? Your arm? Gluing my damned hand to the," he strained against the stick again before sighing; "damned floor?" I chewed my lip. He sounded like himself, but he was a great pretender.

"Peter Pettigrew isn't dead," I stated. Sirius shifted in my peripheral vision but said nothing. Remus nodded slowly.

"Run," he mouthed. Indicating Sirius with his eyes so he wouldn't be able to see.  
"He betrayed you, them… and he isn't dead." My eyebrows pressed together as my finger tapped soundlessly against the floor. "Sirius would rather die then be like his family, I bet you used to know that." Remus's eyes went cold, like he had gone somewhere else. I pulled Sirius's wand from who-knows-where with my own and rolled it along the floor toward him while doing the same with Lupin's. I freed his hand. They then both picked up their wands.

"As you were," I said. The tension in the room was palpable, but it really was not my business to intervene in this conversation, my social education had brought me to that point at the very least. I just wouldn't let anyone get killed, it seemed doable when suddenly there was a pop from the other side of the room. We all whipped around to face the latest arrival with apprehension. My heart hurt in my chest as it was carelessly trod on by my stomach, which was on its way to my throat in an attempt to escape whatever horrible thing was going to happen next. What fresh hell is this?

A/N:

Thankyou for reading, please review and thanks SO MUCH to those who did!


	50. Doubt

Chapter 50

Doubt

"Nymphadora?" Remus asked.

"Tonks?!" I cried hoarsely. Her eyes never found me, she scanned the room quickly. Sirius was closer, and that's all the information she needed. When did he light that cigarette? He took an unhelpful drag and breathed a stream of smoke in my direction.

"Black," Tonks gasped. She looked so pale. She sent a Patronus gallivanting toward the East. Then I noticed that she was dressed in her purple Auror robes. She hadn't come for me. Why had I ever thought that? My heart began to beat down on the lump in my stomach.

"Always nice to see family." Sirius gave a small wave and took a smiling drag on his cigarette. I gave him a beseeching look and received only a wink in return. Anyone else might have seen his confidence and hoped that he had a plan. I just sincerely hoped to God he wasn't going to start laughing like a lunatic again. Remus looked ready to pass out. Tonks shifted her wand to face each of us in turn, and then began muttering, she was doing magic. I could feel it but there was no jet of light.

"F-family?" I asked. I looked at Sirius, but it was Remus who spoke.

"An anti-apparation ward." I turned back to Tonks, understanding her intent. She was locking us in. I noted that she was being quite careless. She'd left herself completely open to an attack from the supposed mass-murderer Sirius Black, but then I saw a slight shimmer manifest itself between us. She had already layered up a shield charm.

"She's Andromeda's Nymphodora, isn't she?" Sirius asked. Lupin looked at him for a second time with something other then vengeful wrath, now with intrigue. As if he had once again forgotten about Sirius's inaccurate reputation.

"Andromeda Black?" Remus asked, thoroughly forgetting himself and Sirius seemed in much the same situation as he took a small pull on his cigarette. He nodded.

"Andromeda Tonks as I now understand it." My mouth fell open. Remus nodded absently and glanced over at Tonks. 

"Can we get back to the issue at hand? You guys are my friends, please listen to me. Try and trust me," I pleaded. 

"There's no bloody getting away from you, is there Sirius?" Remus asked, apparently remembering himself. He sighed as he pulled himself up from the floor. "I can never have anything good left untouched by you." He pointed his wand at Sirius. I wondered if Remus was referring to me or Tonks. The atmosphere between them changed significantly in a snap. The force pushing them toward some sort of brink as inevitable and swift as gravity.

"Are you going to kill me Remus?" Sirius asked from his place on the floor. A small whisper of smoke followed the words out of his mouth as he said it. I stood up as well. I heard Tonks call out from behind her shield:

"Don't move." I turned. She stood just beyond Sirius and Remus. She had her wand trained on me. I didn't want to point my wand at her, she looked at me so sadly.

"You have a very difficult job," I said, my voice partially muffled as the waves outside picked up. The tide had changed, pulled by the moon. The full moon had not been so long ago. Remus's wolf-torn left leg shook. I frowned, Tonks looked ready to cry.

"Why even bother to make me think you were different?" she called past out respective lovers. Her hair was red and I knew she would want an answer before her colleagues inevitably arrived.

"We were your friends," Lupin reminded Sirius, gesturing with his wand, so calm now. "And you betrayed all of us." Sirius looked on the verge of hysterics. That lunatic smile played over his mouth and he placed his wand on the ground.

"I betrayed no one," Sirius replied. A strange hint of amusement in his voice.

"Look at me Jodie," Tonks insisted. None of us wanted to be there, and yet there we were. Because of me.

I didn't turn to her right away. I couldn't take my eyes off of Sirius. He was crying a little, and now so was I. Why didn't I just tell him what was going on? I shook my head and mouthed:

"I love you." I barely caught his mouth do the same, before a beam of red light was shot near my foot.

"I won't miss twice." It had been Tonks. When I looked at her I felt such guilt. For the first time I wondered if any of this had been worth this. Why had I done this to us?

"Because I am different and because I wanted to be your friend, but I couldn't leave him." Her eyes narrowed.

Remus kicked Sirius's wand away. I heard it clatter. I could sense Tonks collecting herself to strike me down.

"I was your friend," she wailed. Crack. Shit.

"You still are!" I said, even though it was lost to the ether. All at once, wands were redirected, heads turned. Sirius scrambled to get to his, and in the confusion he pulled it off.

"I see there is quite a variety of scum here this evening." My Uncle stared into my eyes from behind a twisted gargoyle-like skull.

Sirius flew to his feet in a sort of clattering grace. Sirius Black and a poorly disguised Lucius Malfoy now stood toe to toe, wands on each other. To people who didn't already know it, it was suddenly quite clear that these two men were not on the same side. I looked at my two friends in turn. I knew Remus wanted this, I knew from the shine of him, from the way he held himself. He wanted it to be how it seemed. Tonks looked like she was travelling in time.

"Padfoot?" I heard the voice emanate from Remus's direction and I felt the connection between them shiver. For that moment it was a lot less complicated. The whispering silver bond of light between them was suddenly very firm and smooth. It just whispered along with hope.

"It can't be," Tonks said, she looked as though she might say more but she was silenced. Crack! A cacophony of cracking. A familiar voice was magnified over the crashing tide of purple and the ocean beyond.

"Sirius Black, for your heinous crimes against both the wizarding and Muggle population, your attempt to escape your life sentence of imprisonment in Azkaban Prison, and your later charges for evading arrest, destruction of private property and the theft of seven tonnes of granite stone from the walls of Azkaban Prison; you have been sentenced to receive the Dementor's kiss by eleventy eight votes to one from the higher order members of the Wizengamot. To Ms. Juniper Malfoy, you have been corralled on the charge of aiding in the escape and…"

Crack. I jumped, startled. A small stout man in similar attire to my stupid Uncle appeared very close to my right. The Aurors clattering became chaos. Enough of them had arrived now to attempt to defuse the situation. How many locations were being checked? Had they sent Tonks here on the off chance they might find us? The Aurors were greatly alarmed at the presence of all these extra suspects. Particularly those in unconvincing disguises.

"The Dark Lord is ready," squeaked the smelly man to Lucius. A spell whizzed passed my head. I span around to see it was Sirius who had fired. The man beside me squealed as the spell smashed off the smoking couch behind him. I yelped as a red shot of light was narrowly blocked by Lupin on its way to Sirius.

"Remus?" I heard Tonks cry in shock and I registered that it was probably her spell. Remus stared across the room at her, he shook his head like it was all too much.

"But it's Peter!" Remus pleaded. I whipped around and met the watery eyes of the masked man beside me. Sirius blocked a streak of orange light that had shot forward from the sea of purple Aurors. As if without thought, Remus curled around his back and fired back to retaliate. So it began, a rapid exchange of light, my presence and that of my Uncle and his companion seemed to become immaterial. Sirius and his friend, our friend, fought tooth and nail against Tonks and her comrades.

My Uncle was staring at me. They had to stop, the real enemy was right here. My brain was on fire. This was Peter. Peter Pettigrew, the key to clearing Sirius's name. 

"Stop it, I've got him. He's not the one you want," I lunged and grabbed Pettigrew by the edge of his cloak. I tried to freeze him with the light. I pointed my wand and tried to make him still. I could sense what was within the grubby man. Desperation. He moved as if through sand, it was starting to work. Any curses that the Aurors might've fired in our direction were blocked by the men ahead. They danced around each other like Torvill and Dean. Excluding us from the conflict. I was left alone with the villains.

"Merlin, the pair of you are useless. Grab her," Lucius ordered, he didn't strike me, like I didn't matter. Grab who? I grit my teeth. I pushed all the light I could into my wand, and I wish I could say I even tried to aim. suddenly the lights in the room were struck out. The only glow in the room was the light from the spells being cast. The Aurors shouted in confusion, many of them had fallen. The door blasted off the side of the building and light, along with a significant amount of sea water, flooded in. A tumult of waves struck up against the edge of the house, submerging us in icy liquid up to our knees. No more than that was achieved by my attempt at almighty defense. In the grey natural light, I turned and saw the filth of Pettigrew's fingers reaching for me.

"Sirius?!" I called out to him. He didn't turn at first, when he did he didn't look at me. He was too distracted by Peter. I felt Peter's hand on me. 

Then I saw a large, smoky figure bloom behind Sirius. How long had it been there? I assumed it was a Dementor, but then it pinned me with glowing, red eyes. I could barely hear Sirius call back to me at last. A spell burst through the centre of the smoking spectre. It might've hit Sirius as he watched me, but it only grazed his chest. My wand rose but stuttered in my hand and clattered hopelessly to the floor. I felt tar encompass the light in my middle. I simply waved my empty, gross left hand at Sirius. He turned to run toward me, as if he could run faster then the spell that had just knocked the breath right out of my chest. This suddenly felt like goodbye.

He stopped. He stood with all the damn grace and poise I had become so familiar with and I could see him trying to look like I could be fine. He even smiled, and then maybe he winked and a tear pressed out of his eyes. I understood why he had laughed through the worst day of his life. He waved back. I was incredibly scared.

I felt the slimy hand clamp down around my arm, and, impossibly, I was yanked through space. In a horrifying heartbeat, we cracked back into existence. How had he done it? Where had he taken me?

My body was limp, my wand was gone, the Grin was back and my insides were tied with tar. Not to mention Peter Pettigrew was touching me, gross. He threw my arm from him, I fell on my hands and knees onto a marshy ground and retched uselessly against the absence of the terrible pressure around my stomach.

From my position curled on the ground I carefully ran my hand under my Scooby-Doo shirt and felt the skin over my waist, I whimpered. As I had feared, the belt of wax like symbols sat slightly raised off of my skin, as they had before I had met the water creatures in the lake. It was like they promised, you can still be strong with hope, but I had lost their protection with doubt. My shadow had caught up with me. The bile in my throat caused my eyes to burn as I coughed weakly.

Suddenly a harsh force kicked me in the side of my rib, knocking the breath from me as I flopped onto my back. My chest hurt from where the jinx had hit me. It felt tight, like every breath became progressively shallower. My vision sketched in and out, from one view to another. Whispery ropes and the flicker of burning red eyes, blurred to show a black robed crowd and smudgy grey winter sky. It was colder here then it had been at the light house. I noticed that, though we were in a marshy clearing devoid of it, there was a hefty layer of snow carpeting our surroundings. The blanket had somehow penetrated the canopy of bare trees above us.

Someone was talking. It was very still, with great conscious effort I stopped coughing. Who ever was blabbering had probably kicked me to demonstrate a want not to be interrupted. The only other noise was a soft crunch of foliage under foot, the speaker was pacing in boring, black shoes. I turned away from the shoes and the source of the kick, causing my head to spin but allowing me to continue to collect scattered information. All the people here were strongly tied to the speakers shifting centre of strange, conflicted light, which made my stomach hurt… more.

On my other side I was shocked to see a familiar face. The Irish witch from Gringotts bank, I had seen her a year earlier. Her blonde hair fanned around her as she lay on the ground beside me in her grey winter cloak. Runes littered its surface, her lip was split, her eyes closed, she was breathing with a stutter. I still felt safer with her there.

I heard a dry rasp, it was my own breath as two hands caught me around my ribs and hauled me up to kneel. My bum rested back on my heels. I was too weak to accomplish much more. The blonde witch was placed by my side in the same position, she slumped precariously. My hand slipped around and under her back before I had really decided upon the movement. She turned to me and smiled fondly before frowning in confusion. She looked ready to say something, but a voice floated down from above us and we turned to face the source.

The woman's hand rose from her side and secured mine at her front with a shockingly firm grip. She ran her thumb gently back and forth over my scar, almost taking my heart down a rep or two. We both stared up at a troubled young man who was apparently the key speaker at the black cloak coalition. My neck arched out weakly as my head lolled to look up at him.

My gut twisted and I gasped with a start. I hoped to God I was imagining the rustle of frigid air shifting the hair over my face, that I imagine the prying tugging feeling along my shivering skin. That the Grin wasn't present and conspiring. I tried not to dry retch onto the strangers shoes, his back faced the ring of followers, his front facing us. But when he spoke again, his mouth did not move. I blinked cautiously, confused, but the young man did not look at me or the Irish witch, he simply stared ahead and blinked as a voice from the back of his head spoke up in a choked whisper. Sometimes I really hated magic.

"These women have made a mockery of magic's greater purpose, and of our purpose; which is one in the same," the back of the mans head wheezed. "These filthy traitors have tragically shamed their legitimate magical blood in favour of consorting with Muggles." A shiver ran through me as the Grin placed a barely corporeal hand on my shoulder. Chill blades of ice shot down my arm and I whined at the back of my throat. Like a dog.

"Perhaps they could be put to better use. Their carcasses would make fine meat for the forest's beasts." There was a collective chuckle from the surrounding cloaks and my vision began to furrow and stretch and lie. My arm still hurt from the cold, my chest from the hex, my side from the kick, my stomach from the popping and my heart ached and pounded in panic and sorrow and heart break. Was the Grin here to finish me off because Sirius was gone? I gasped lightly as my blood began to move sluggishly through my veins. Like my arteries had frozen to form glaciers. I bit the inside of my cheek. My colourless eyes scanned the perimeter and found no escape.

A/N: Thanks for reading and please review!


	51. Hope

Chapter 51

Hope

The ventriloquist turned to face the crowd, proving that he was not a ventriloquist at all but simply the body on which the voice rested. Staring down at me with soulless, swarming, red eyes was a monster's face. The man was home to a monster.

 _It_ set it's eyes on the blonde witch who was breathing sporadically. She tilted her shaking chin arrogantly in spite of this, and stared up at the monster with defiance.

"Marlene McKinnon," the thing cracked down at the stubborn blonde witch. Her firm grip remained fused to my wrist and she dragged her fingers harshly along my skin. I noted blood beading under her nails.

"One of the few remaining members of a pathetic order which sets out to insight delusional ideals of compassion and good and light." _It_ paused a moment to enjoy the sneers of _it's_ fellows. "Perhaps if you had trusted in true power you could have escaped this fate." There was another snicker from the edges of the group. She turned to me and the monster's host faced us. I met her penetrating gaze. I sensed the wand but I didn't look.

"Avadakadavra," the words fell from the young man's lips like they were filth. In her eyes I saw a fierce flash of disjointed determination, and then nothing. Her grip on my arm slackened, her fingernails removed themselves from my skin, her weight deadened further in my hold. Deadened. Dead.

"Marlene?" I whispered, expecting her eyes to turn to me, but there was no minute response, just like that. A carcass for beasts, just like that. I placed her on the ground carefully and reached with a shaking hand, bloodied by her, to close her eyes. She was still warm from life, still soft and pretty, still a human, a dead human. I stared at her as the whispering evil creature on the back of the man turned to look down at me. It began to speak. I watched her chest not moving, I watched her eyelids not flicker, I held her limp hand and felt her pulse not thump through her veins, just like that.

"and Juniper Augustus Malfoy I take it." I didn't feel like crying anymore. I nodded and coughed to clear my throat.

"Jodie is what I have been called, when I have been called, but yes. If you feel like being formal you can take it as you like." I spoke to Marlene, my mouth seeming to run on the trace of determination in her eyes. The arrogant jut of her chin which had slipped out in a flash of green now tilted my own.

She had made dying look easy. I did so want to rest. Mutterings stirred around the clearing as a wand was jammed by the demons body to press to my temple threateningly. My throat burned still from the acidic resonance of my own bile. I gulped against it, only succeeding in further nauseating myself. I could smell Pettigrew nearby, it didn't help.

"This traitor is not only basking at the level of filth but is also a fool. A completely useless individual." The body's true face turned to me, keeping the wand on me. I shut my eyes tightly and held onto Marlene's hand firmly. I wondered how long I would be warm, how long it would take for all traced of life to leave me. How long before any mark I made on the world was erased. Sirius and I were going to be just like my Mother and Father after all, without a step different. Every good thing about us would be forgotten, and there would be no baby to try and make it okay.

The tragedy would come full circle and the cold stab shirking my shoulder would run right into my heart and freeze in the heart break. I still didn't feel like crying.

_And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,_

_don't carry the world upon your shoulders._

I would be gone, just like that, just like the Marlene. I felt like a large part of me was some place else and I hoped to God that somewhere out there Sirius was alive and awake and whole enough to be worrying about me. He would be okay without me.

_For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool_

_By making his world a little colder._

"Kill her," came the soft, hissing croon of the gargoyle leader.

_Hey Jude, don't let me down._

I inhaled sharply and braced myself, flinching tightly.

"My Lord." The young mans voice sounded afraid as it paused. I opened my eyes, holding the air in my lungs which I had expected to only escape after I had been murdered by the mutant in the boring shoes in front of me. I peaked up through my fringe. Eventually releasing a shaky breath. A flicker of a burning, red-eyed smile menaced through the smoking realm. I noticed I was breathing out smoke like a dragon, as I had once thought I had hallucinated doing since Sirius didn't seem to see it.

_So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin_

The smoke floated up, rushing out from behind, and around, and in me in a whoosh; causing me to cough, and my eyes to water, and my brain to fizz. I reached up to my lip and I realised a small trail of blood had slipped from my nose. I coughed one last time as the smoke bulged and slipped and began to take on a familiar form. I sniffed lightly and rubbed the blood from my face. I watched the hooded figures react with shock, some even throwing spells toward the stretching, towering figure. The he magic simply ran through to blast trees, sending masses of birds cawing into the sky. Ravens, I stared at the large black rush of birds through my still smoke-scratched, watery eyes.

Nevermore. I inhaled as much fresh air as I could into my lungs, as my vision flickered. My body felt heavy, my hands felt weak, the possibility of making a fist was out of the question. I curled and uncurled my fingers a few times. Still warm. I was surprised they could see the Grin. It didn't usually happen.

Looking up through my mind's haze, I saw the Grin hunched, level with the monster living on the man. I was breathing loudly. I stooped carefully and lay on my side as if to go to sleep.

The Grin began to gesture as if there was an understanding, one monster to another. The Grin began by lifting one wraith like arm and sweeping it over to the right, revealing a tense, silvery thread to _it_  as it did so. The thread led from the parasite toward one of _it's_  followers.

"Lucius," the parasite hissed. My Uncle flinched as he was called. I recognised him easily as he walked toward the terrifying exchange.

"My Lord," Lucius responded. He bowed lowly to the unnatural parasite.

"You know of this being?" A thinly veiled threat in the high-pitched voice.

"This specter is likely to have want of the girl, my Lord." The proud man's voice was cowardly and seedy. His attempt to be humble forced and grating. The Grin pointed a blackened, smoke-cloaked skeleton-hand toward me, broken on the ground. it then traced a line from me to Lucius, and tugged on it lightly, letting it quiver in a silent twang. The atmosphere in the clearing created by the few remaining devotees was one of abject terror. The kind where you couldn't help but look on but wanted nothing more then to look away. I could no longer smell Pettigrew and I wasn't surprised. If I had had any strength at all, any hope, anything but resignation, fear, and sorrow. Sorrow that the last moments of my life were these ones, and that I hadn't quietly died in my sleep last night. If I had any fight left in me at that moment, that would have been the moment to fight.

_And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do_

_The movement you need is on your shoulder_

"She is your charge, Lucius?" the parasite asked with such delicacy, that I wondered how something so weak, could be so poisoning.

"As a Malfoy she is, yes, of course." Lucius sounded afraid, his voice shivering, his gaze averted. A strange, grotesque expression of glee crossed the parasite's face as the Grins own gleeful mouth opened over so slightly to release a furrow of smoke. It passed across the skull-like face momentarily.

"I have been offered a deal," _it_  rasped, the Grin held out its hand and became completely stationary. Every furrow of smoke stilled as the mutated leader of the cowering, black-cloaked bigots turned to Lucius.

"She is your charge my dear Lucius and you are my servant, therefore I must ask you to use your position as this filth's keeper to break her supposed magical binding to one, Sirius Black, so that I may deliver her unto this being and fulfil my side of this deal, do you understand? You will break the bond."

The last part was a command and I felt my stiff lips began to move as they whispered: "No." I managed to lift my head from the ground. I turned to face Lucius and grabbed his sleeve like a child as he approached me. "No!" I cried with as much volume as I could muster, but Lucius simply kicked me back forcefully, causing me to clatter gracelessly to the ground.

Taking my mutilated left hand Lucius placed his wand to my ring finger and began to murmur an incantation. I struggled exhaustively against his grip. My efforts proving futile as I began crying again. Hot tears burned along my cheek as my lip trembled. Lucius dropped my hand. I suddenly didn't know what I was so upset about, feeling like I had lost something. A part of my past, so much of what had brought me here. Something terribly vital had been taken, I stared blankly at the three monsters as they each nodded at each other and one had to turn to supply a hand to shake the Grins.

_For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool_

_By making his world a little colder_

_Hey Jude, don't let me down._

Whatever I had had left only a hole in its places and my empty chest did not know what to do without it. My soul felt crushed, my spirit sore, I did not like me anymore. Another tear seared my cheek as I coughed out a sob. Nevermore.

_Remember, to let her into your heart._

From their hands a flood of glowing silvery threads flowed in odd, smoking, doom-sealing beauty. My heart contracted painfully in my chest as an unnatural scream stabbed at my ears, raising shivers over my body like nails over a chalk board.

It spoke. The black hell-sourced wraith filled the air with its words. Not spoken in English or any remotely human language, but as my head felt ready to explode, I could still understand it:

_"Before the Winter Solstice returns,_

_The length of every life of every soul I have earned_

_Will be yours_

_This is sealed in the blood of this flaw of destiny_

_I take it now as you have delivered and so it belongs to me._

_Before winter breaks again she dies_

_Or from my own black bones take thy penalty."_

Then sweet blissful silence. I almost didn't care that I was going to be bled to feed some sick plot; to give hundreds of years of life to the sick parasite whispering poison from the back of the young mans head, because at least my head didn't hurt so unbearably in the quiet.

* * *

 

_If wild my breast and sore my pride,_

_I bask in dreams of suicide,_

_If cool my heart and high my head_

_I think "How lucky are the dead."_

* * *

 

A/N: Thanks for reading, please review!


	52. An Awfully Big Adventure

Chapter 52

An awfully big adventure

I felt a nag around my waist, and realised it was the brand of runes on my skin. The increasing tug struck fear into the very core of my being. I would be murdered, it was like a point in my brain that I could get passed. I noted that the smoky wraith was dragging me _through_  the light to somewhere else. Feeling the weight of the movement increase I took one last look around the snowy marsh. Lucius had removed his ridiculous mask. I spared barely a beat to catch the nauseating look of pleasure on the gnarled unnatural face of my would-be murderer. I met my Uncle's eyes.

He stared back at my disjointed gaze, looking shocked. My brow matched the furrow in his. I realised that he looked distinctly remorseful. I shifted my bloody hand in a slight wave goodbye which made his mouth tighten. We were family after all, and then I was gone. I was passing through smoky, light-knotted, windowless space like there was a one hundred tonne weight bound around my middle.

* * *

 

I landed hard against the ground of a large room, reminiscent of a stadium with no chairs, only rough stone. My stomach knotted as I felt a great sense of purpose about the place. Flopping from my rattled side onto the flat of my back I looked up to see a flowing materiel from which soft, coaxing voices flowed like warm, clean water. I shifted my arm and almost bit through my tongue as I groaned. That was definitely broken. Voices floated from the curtain strangely.

_I'd rather you than me_

_You'll be ok, you're strong_

_Don't fight it, it's beyond you now_

_You did your best_

_Roots and wings Jodie, roots and wings._

The voices began to layer on top of each other in a buzzing clamour. A plume of smoke slipped from beneath the curtain. I had nowhere else to go any way, so what would wings be any good for?

"Ssshh…" I sighed. My body slackened against the floor. The cacophony of noise slipped away, leaving only my own bated breath. Every passing of air jarred my arm painfully. My ankle didn't bear thinking about.

In a dark flash, the Grin manifested above me. It's glowing eyes burnt into me as it's broad smile made my insides recoil. The sort of fear I had only ever felt in nightmares assaulted my body. The sort that recommended no movement in the face of imminent danger. The sort of fear that was infinitely more terrifying because it informed you that trying to make things better could only ever make things worse. It swept it's hand above me, revealing every thread that existed to connect me to my past. Every root. They branched from my every cell. The Grin reached down, and wrapped a wiry appendage around a handful of them. I stiffened.

I felt my face contort in pathetic futile misery as I began to shake my head vigorously and stutter out pleading sobs.

"Please," I wheezed around a misplaced rib. The demon brought its ever-smiling face level with mine. It's eyes reflecting it's sick sadistic joy as it braced an ice-cold, bony hand against my stomach, weighing down on my abdomen like a cage. It pulled unceremoniously at the bundle of light which strained under the force of it's grip. Eventually, one by one, they began to snap. They gave under the pressure sporadically, curling away painfully, causing my mouth to open wider then I knew it could, and lock in a horrified, terrified scream.

"No!" I cried. "Please! Please stop no!" Then words were lost to me, and it was just burning, red eyes, and staring up at the veil, and hearing the roar of voices from the other side. Every single person I knew was torn from me. The things they had told me, the things I had loved about them. The things I hated, the things I had had yelled at me. Every moment that had made me, pried carelessly and painfully from my soul, taking all that I was with them in a scream that defied the amount of air I had in my lungs.

It didn't stop. It was going to pull me from the world like a stubborn deeply-rooted tooth. I tried to slip away, to pass out, to go into a coma, to lose all feeling in my body or even to die. Anything but the never-ending, unequivocal pain at the hands of the monster that had orphaned me. A  monster which in the next second I didn't recognise. My ears hurt from hearing my own screaming, but I hadn't a hope of stopping. The _thing's_ hands combed through me, deep and thorough. So cold it almost felt like burning.

After what could have been years I was sweating, and panting, and crying, and pleading with no one to hold onto. I noticed the dull lifeless cords which had been my lifelines fall detached to the ground and begin to draw away, smoking up like burning fuses, but one still glowed bright as the wraith above me twisted and twisted it mercilessly, sending bolt after hammer of joint-cracking spine-stretching pain through my every nerve.

"What am I?" I wanted to ask, maybe my lips made the shape. Maybe I had never learned to talk.

A shining silver rope secured me off toward the wall of the building. That _meant_ something. The Nightmare didn't want it to be there, it eventually stopped assaulting it and slipped it's hand around a dark, red rope at my waist, and began to drag me toward the dry, cool veil. My heavy, shaking legs slipped beyond the veil without issue, once they'd passed out of sight they felt like nothing. I was to become nothing. I could have forgotten I had legs at all if it wasn't for the still present throb of pain forcing me to grit my teeth. My voice had long run-out from screaming.

My head span, my heart hurt and with each of my breaths, a little sob escaped. Cold, ragged stone tore at my spent arms, one bent awkwardly. I surrendered myself to the will of the terrifying menace looming over me. The seething anger rolling off of it in heavy, noxious smoke burning my lungs and causing my eyes to sting. I was tugged insistently into the veil. My body refused to follow however. I suddenly realised with a flicker of thankful relief that my mind's grip was loosening. Perhaps I could escape my bodies pain at last. Perhaps I wouldn't be coming back.

_I hope the exit is joyful and I hope never to return._

* * *

 

A/N: Thanks for everything! Especially to you Feathers <3


	53. Code Yellow

Chapter 53

Code Yellow

* * *

 

_Razors pain you_

_Rivers are damp_

_Acids stain you_

_Drugs cause cramp_

_Guns are unlawful_

_Nooses give_

_Gas smells awful_

_You might as well live_

The large, black Thing had successfully taken my entire right side through the curtain as well as both my legs. I was blind with both eyes open, but when I shut my left eye I was free to stare about the inside of the veil. Everything within shifted as if someone had put a pair of strong convex lenses over my eye, but the smoking figure glared at me through a smile in disturbing focus. On this side of the veil he was not overtly large or crooked or without flesh, unlike his state when viewed through my right eye, he didn't stand with stretched and marred proportions. He was straight and narrow and even had skin. White papery shifting skin, shaped in a fairly gormless mask, but pressed to flash a gargantuan nauseating grin. When its mouth opened ever so slightly a shriek almost as loud as my own tiresome terrified screams filled the air, pulling all the light from what was left of my heart. Only one thing could be derived from the ricocheting lamenting defeated keen.

**_Black, Sirius Black._ **

It flew back toward my prone figure and once again began to fight to claw me through the veil but seemed unable to pull passed the shining thread at my heart which still curled off, further infuriating the red-eyed wraith. I had taken to only breathing on occasion as tears ran one after the other down my cheek. I wondered why this was happening to me.

I knew the square root of pi was infinite, and that outside of the veil there were people. People had nothing to do with me, they existed like clouds. They looked like fun and I could imagine what time among them would be like, but I never expected to be near them. To understand them or feel them. I didn't name them or call them friends and they did me the same courtesy. I understood and knew plenty of things, but quite literally for the life of me I had no clue why it was me this grin was grinning at in fury.

The whispering had quieted, I wondered if it had ever been happening. The screaming grew louder, I wondered why I could understand the meaning of the other worldly sound. I wondered what had broken my heart, and then I wondered why I was desperate to die when I had nothing to die for.

When light leaves, dark comes but when light remains dark can not be. The light I saw straining away from the arch sourced at my thudding heart forbid me entry to the dark inverted realm. Full of half voices and light which acted as shadow, the other edge of the arch betrayed little but a horrible deep-seated fear. The thing allowed its creaking fingers to unfurl from my squirming disconnected form soundlessly. The skin at the side of my mouth split and dry from screaming, I allowed my lips to part, to take in a great rasping breath. My tongue was heavy in my mouth. I allowed my eyes to role and meet with the burning red of the unnatural creature.

"Would you let me go now please?" I croaked and it was followed pathetically by a rattling sob. It is my life after all. The words begged to follow but found no strength to promote them. I wheezed silently on the floor as the creature moved its collection of menacingly bared teeth intrusively close to my ear. It spoke in a voice, a human voice. A voice the same as my own but layered with every whispering voice around. With someone else, the voice of a man, I closed my eyes tight shut and shook my head painfully as I sobbed as it spoke.

_**You gave no true life left to live but one year of lies and then a merciless death. Go mortal and be mortal.** _

The words terrified me but my heart convulsed in my chest even as it stopped talking. I realised that in a distant echo of its words there was something that rang so clear and refined and homely that I craved it. I almost wanted it to keep talking and I opened my eyes to meet its gaze my mouth almost pulled up in a smile. I remembered to be afraid then, I remembered I had been promised death and I instead glared as best I could.

"I'll see you then," I hissed and the ghoul curled its hand around my eyes and dug its finger into my skull painfully.

_**No you won't.** _

Everything went very bright and very dark and everything in between.

* * *

 

I forgot why I was so afraid and what I had been. I sat up straight and clean in a small cot and felt instantly at a loss for how I had gotten there. The room span around me and I watched it, feeling dizzy. A beeping resonated from my left.

"Code yellow, Dr. Richardson to ward twelve, code yellow."

I stared at the cardboard tiles on the roof as an aging man slid into the room and instantly approached to shine a torch in my eyes. His free hand moved to press unrelated spots along my neck and the side of my head.

"Can you tell me your name young lady?" The man asked. I met his tempered brown eyes and frowned. I opened my mouth, home to a dense forest. My voice cracking out weakly through the trees.

"No," I answered honestly and a small hysterical laugh hitched out of my throat. A tear slid down my cheek and my lip quivered with a second hiccough. "No, I can't."

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A/N: Thanks for reading <3


	54. The Perfect Pint

Chapter 54

The Perfect Pint

"The trick to pulling the perfect pint," he said, pausing dramatically and wiggling a fairly annoying fair eyebrow in my direction as he added a slow pressure on the smooth black lever. "Is…"

I couldn't believe he was talking that slowly. How could any person be expected to just sit back and listen to someone milk a sentence that much? I didn't say anything though, I had managed to get this job by charming this guy with my weirdly symmetrical features and if I told him to shove it now it would be added to a pile of three others. The job where I couldn't stay on because everyone noticed how terrible I am at simple tasks had been the first I ended up storming out of. Just nod. I told myself, just nod. It was four in the evening, he had all the time in the world to slowly talk his arse off in the empty bar. He was the youngest of the family who owned the place and apparently acting manager.

"Are you ok, Siri? You seem a bit glum." I pressed my lips together as the man-boy bar-hand boss-guy or whatever addressed me at a normal pace, proving he was capable of such a feat and further depleting my stock of patience as physical inability was ruled out as a plausible excuse for being him so trying. I realised that in my nodding I had forgotten to smile. I put on a nice bright one.

"So sorry-" what's his name? what's his name? what's his name? Ah fuck- "love," I surrendered and stared forcefully into his eyes. "I was caught up in the sound of your voice, a slow even pressure. Can you show me again?" I asked, raising an eyebrow coyly. His ears flushed, it wasn't even remotely endearing. He cleared his throat, I felt bad.

"Right, just put your hand here," he guided my hand up toward the disturbingly phallic piston before swooping in far too close beside me. He grabbed a glass and guided my hand down.

"Maybe this time you could do it... _slower_?" I asked lightly, keeping the bite out of my words but enjoying the joke on my own. A private mockery, something I was doing more and more as of late, or perhaps as much as I always had. Who knows? Nine months since I had woken from a three month long nap. Nine months in which I learned that I already knew how to do long division and that my vocabulary was grotesquely expansive. Nine months to develop an accent to match my fellow Londoners as upon waking I had no mark of a past. No hint of being anyone, no age or name or family. Just a right to claim on disability and a form to write whatever name I wanted on.

Serena had a sound about it that I liked. I misspelt it though, Sirina just looked more homely on paper. Something about the way the letters curved, Sirina Blake, it seemed to me to be a name that belonged to me. If I said it enough times to the mirror I could almost see myself nodding back to myself approvingly.

"Siri," they sigh breathily. "Siri." I almost feel a need to sigh back, I wonder if I'm a narcissist when I smoke and drink strawberry milkshake in the diner under my apartment. The owner of the diner wouldn't hire me because he thinks I'm after his daughter. I told him I liked girls just to get a start out of him and to change the subject off of rent. The truth was I didn't think I liked anyone, people who were in love just made me want to go back upstairs and talk with the mirror some more. I felt like the mirror was listening, I wonder again if I am a narcissist but then decide I mustn't be a very good one if I feel like I am my favourite company but also hate myself for letting me abandon whatever my life had been. The girl who had made my life this way, surely I had no one to blame but myself? I was virtually unmarked when they brought me in, they said. They searched for clues, anything. Files, photos, missing persons archives. I was wearing a Scooby-Doo T-shirt and boys underwear. I had strange diamond shape open wounds along my ribs and along my left hand. They took skin grafts off my thighs.

Nothing was stranger though, then on my hand below the knuckle of my thumb where it appeared someone had scraped in a symbol with there fingernails. These were things I often repeated to the mirror, the girl I was before wore a Scooby-Doo T-shirt and boys underwear. I was brought in with open wounds along my rib cage and on my left arm. They took skin grafts from the girl I am now, they took ribbons of clean skin from my thigh with a stripper that worked like a cheese grater. I still can't bare to look at cheese graters.

Someone carved a symbol into the girl I used to be with their fingernails, I wrote it down everywhere. In fogged up windows, in drying cement, I especially liked to write it under my name when I signed something. The strange symbol rested purposefully underneath Siri Blake. The girl in the mirror and I would stare at it for hours and we were glad we didn't know anybody too well, because we didn't have time to wonder if we were crazy when there was so much wondering to be done.

I had started kissing the fair-haired boy now, I was tired of talking and I thought maybe it would distract me. Maybe for some reason I would turn out to be the love of his life, maybe it was meant to be, maybe I wasn't meant to be alone. He groaned.

"I want you," he whispered against my cheek and I hummed vaguely before feeling slightly miffed.

"Why do you want me?" I asked. Knit picking at the admittedly innocent perverse motivations boys like him said such things to me. He huffed a gentle laugh against my cheek, not yet realising that I was that coldest girl to ever kiss someone.

"Because your beautiful and smart and sweet," he remarked, it was phrased a little like a question and I bristled further as he kissed my cheek.

"Anyone can be born beautiful, beauty, intelligence and disposition are not to be praised." He kissed the corner of my jaw and I frowned. "They are hollow victories. Even if I was the most beautiful girl on the planet, it's just an accident of birth, are you going to congratulate me for being born as well? Because I assure you it was just as much my doing as the shape of the bones underneath my face." He pulled back a small amount and looked at my eyes. He was wearing a name tag but it wasn't his, it said Karen.

"You talk a lot," Karen whispered before moving toward me again, I pushed him away and began to untie my apron. It had been a year and I was no closer to figuring out who I was before, and knowing that I was good looking or that I didn't have anyone looking for me wasn't enough. 

"Do you want to know where I grew up? Where I went to school? Whether I have any waitressing experience?"

"Sure, but I think you're about to nail this interview either way." I threw the apron on the counter, and he began to untie his, clearly misconstruing the situation, not that I blamed him.

"I don't need a past to have a present, do I Karen?" He put his hand back on my waist and I took a step back.

"Right," he said, smiling. I stepped out from behind the bar.

"When do I start then?" I asked. Trying to somehow turn this interaction back into something normal. I had this tendency to run hot and cold. If I had any friends, I'm sure it would drive them mad. My neutral shade of interview lipstick was all over the poor boy's face.

"Tuesday week?" he asked.

"Right," I said, and I was gone. I let the door swing shut behind me and felt the stinging December air slip around my nose. I looked at the mark on my hand, I had traced in pen earlier and scrawled my name over the top of it. It made me feel lucky. I began to walk quickly around the corner toward my bus stop. I kicked a can petulantly along the road ahead of me. I turned into a shop on the way and bought a snickers.

I chewed noisily on the bus on purpose, causing a child sitting across the aisle from me to laugh.

 I walked back toward the diner and the sky darkened. I sniffed against the cold and shoved my hand into my armpits to make them warmer. I wondered if I had been happier before, as I clinked into the diner and sat in the booth farthest from the door as usual. At the very least I had landed on my feet in terms of my living arrangement. Vern was behind the counter, already making up my milkshake as I pulled a packet of cigarettes from the folds of my coat. I couldn't afford them and I didn't even inhale. I just like having something to do with my hands and it was a conversation starter, not that I generally enjoyed conversation, conversation was something I dominated and took out my frustrations on. I longed to talk to someone who talked back.

"There you are Serena." Vern's daughter: Orna, smiled as she put the milkshake down on the table in front of me along with a paper wrapped straw. Her smile was bright and familiar, she played piano and had what Vern's wife Margaret described as an artistic temperament, I just called it hormonal imbalance. Not that I could talk. My face screwed up oddly as the thought soured my would-be happy smile. Instead I just bit my lip and winked up at her.

"My hero," I whispered teasingly. When her cheeks heated I wondered if she was going to propose we take our fantastical lesbian romance (fueled by Vern's paranoia) to the next level, but she just let out a nervous laugh and span on her heel, marching away. There was cream on the shake, I must have looked fairly miserable coming in to earn cream. Maybe I should sweep Orna off of her feet. She was beautiful after all and I tended to prefer women. I made a note to look more cheerful. I had been under slept the last while due to a series of dark and foreboding nightmares. 

Like a horrid premonition they plagued my thoughts, I spent I a great deal of my 'new' life, although well looked after by Vern, startlingly frightened. I was confused and verging on homeless. I often dreamed of a family or a home somewhere who would have me, I felt an odd familiarity that came with the longing for a family. I drank some of my shake and put my mouth on the cigarette for a moment before moving it away and tipping some of the ash into an ashtray. My face felt funny again when I thought of my knotted innards. I suppose I would just have to buy babies like Woodie Allen. That night I listened to the blues on my second hand Marconi radio and burnt out an entire packet of cigarettes.

I dreamt of shifting darkness and every so often I thought I saw something terrible smiling out at me from the hell I looked in on, but only every so often and only for a moment.

* * *

 

a/n: Thanks for reading and PLEASE REVIEW!


	55. Night Cap

Chapter 55

Night Cap

"Come on! Early to bed Moony, wouldn't want to be to tired for the big day tomorrow." I slid down the banister from the third floor of Grimmauld place to the second and plodded heavily down on to the landing. Remus's polite footsteps pottered down the stairs behind me. Things between Remus and I had improved greatly over the last year. It had been strange at first, the mystery of what went on in the first few months after my side of Azkaban prison was blown off remained steadfast. There were a few things I remembered from my escape, I remembered the look in Remus's eye when he realised I was innocent, I remembered staring out over a lake searching for something, I remembered hiding out in fucking Ollivander's spare room for some reason, but all of our memories had been damaged in the blow at the lighthouse and how most of my 'escape' had been achieved was unknown to anyone.

Not that it mattered, I was still a fugitive, I had to stay in Grimmauld place and keep my head down as the Prophet span tales of my misdemeanours and I could only go out as Padfoot. Not to mention that just because Remus believed I was innocent didn't mean he forgave me, it was exasperating really, that emotions were so slow to catch up to everything else. I hated Grimmauld place most of the time, but the kids were due back from their Christmas holidays the following day, which was almost good enough news to have me hugging Kreacher. Harry was incredible, just like James had been. Harry was a true and honest companion, although sometimes I could spend a moment to long staring at that stomach turning scar on his forehead or when we laughed his fathers names would just fall out of my mouth and in moments like those I felt like we were to ghosts meeting in limbo. Harry's friends and there family had become so deeply involved in the newly formed Order that they would be joining us for Christmas as well. It was going to be a good few weeks, I was determined. For once the house didn't smell of must, it smelt of Christmas pudding thanks to Molly Weasley's not entirely unwanted ---although overtly irritating--- fussing.

The only thing that made staying in this house of hell bearable was that I felt like I had a real family forming in it. Whiling away the days teasing Moony over his blustering crush on recent Order devotee Nymphodora Tonks and arguing with Molly over my drinking had made Grimmauld place feel less like it had when I was a kid and more like a house for good company.

Unfortunately in truth there was often no denying it, when an entire week would pass with just me and Mother's echoing screams and then I would really start to feel it. I would feel a sense of foreboding that no amount of fire whiskey could stave off. I would sit across from the biggest mirror on the first floor on this strange dark stain on the carpet and ring my hands together and stare down the wall. It was the most disconcerting spot in the house with the roof creaking dangerously over head, but it felt important. Like I had a reason to be there. Molly insisted that the dark symbols written on the wall in blood here must have been a poltergeist and had attempted to wash them off before anyone got tricked by them. I made myself look like a right loon when I tried to convince her to leave them be but there was no stopping that woman once she had made a decision, even if it isn't her house. Sometimes I wished it was, I certainly wasn't overjoyed that it was mine, the Noble and Ancient House of Black getting blacker with filth everyday, I wrinkled my nose.

"I'll pick up Harry at the station around one o'clock Sirius, I'll see you when we get back," Remus called from the first floor before making his way to the ground floor quietly trying not to rouse Mother's horrid painting.

"Right, stay out of trouble you great dusty moth," I called back to him just as a particularly large and dusty moth batted by clumsily. Remus just hummed distractedly before letting the front door click closed behind him. I turned into my room and tried to ignore the growing sense of panic I often felt when alone. Especially in these last few weeks, I had been having strange dreams almost every night. I began to turn the old ring I wore on my pinky finger around in circles as I had formed a habit of doing since I had found it beside some charred cloth the day I met Remus after the blast. It was a traditional Black family engagement ring and I could tell from the stripes along the side that it was meant for either Regulus or me, but no amount of research through dodgy old accountancy files of the Ancient house of shit revealed who commissioned it. I was uncomfortable that such a ring even existed when I really thought about it. Most likely one of my mothers relics of hope that I might suddenly return to whatever form she had expected of me. Or perhaps even more disturbingly it belonged to Regulus, thinking of it that way only made me want a drink or to punch something so I usually refrained from thinking of it that way if I could. I was drinking like it was a wedding every working day as it was.

The ring felt heavy on my hand, it wasn't something you could forget about wearing, no matter how many ways you turned it, it still meant to much for that. I climbed into bed and stared at the flat packed rafters above. I didn't really want to go to sleep to have another nightmare but then again, spend enough time around Dementors and it's a wonder that nightmares don't start having you. I shuffled in the bed and decided I would perhaps be better off after a night cap, fortunately I always kept some liquor within arms reach. I poured out a measure of fire whiskey and knocked it back with little thought. In a distant part of my mind I try to convince myself that it's helped. When my head hit the pillow, I suddenly felt incredibly heavy.

I fell right into the dream as I slipped into unconsciousness, as if I blinked and opened my eyes somewhere else. Like apparating in your sleep, I was standing down the hall from the room I had just fallen asleep in, staring into the large, poshly-framed mirror. My reflection looked the same as always, too old and too weary and a little drunk.

"Sirius."

"Wha-?" my head span to the source of the deep, feminine voice, there was no one there. I turned back to the mirror and suddenly my reflection was gone. The frame was empty except for the symbols that had once been written out on the wall were scrawled on the wall in the mirror. They made me panic, I realised I was holding onto the mirrors gilded edge.

"Oh, fuck," said the voice, and I was going to question it further when my legs gave out and I collapsed heavily on the floor.

I shot up into a sitting position a moment later in a loudly creaking bed in an oddly round room. A fire smouldered on in the corner, and a single dim muggle bulb hummed toward the back of the room. I fell back onto the bed and frowned. None of my dreams had been like this, they had been smoky and ashen and terrifying. Visions of dead loved ones and what felt like a warning or a threat. A sense of premonition, I woke up and the ring weighed heavily on my hand, none like this. With this presence.

"Relax." I jolted as I felt the breath of the woman sweep across my chest. "Can you hear me?" she asked, and it sounded oddly tender.

"I can feel you," I whispered, and I could of course, a flush flowed up my body as I realised her soft pliant weight was lavished over my side, she was holding my hand. No one had held my hand since I was twenty one, maybe younger. "Who are you?" I asked, and she chuckled silently to herself. I had never been so conscious during a dream without being closer to waking up. It was more like a vision.

"I'm a friend of a friend," she answered mysteriously before eventually emerging from beneath the blankets to stare down at me. Not without allowing her body to rub sensually over mine. She looked very pleased with herself, she was the strangest looking girl I had ever dreamed into my bed. Her white blonde hair was greying and her dark lashes drew out an attack for her startling near white irises. She was very young and violently beautiful, I just wanted to stare. I was suddenly very afraid that I might accidentally wake up before I could memorise everything about her. She looked at me like I was something she was half pushed to buy. Like she was deciding if she wouldn't prefer something else. Needless to say when it came to girls I was in bed with it wasn't a look I was used to receiving.

"You don't remember her," the nymph stated. I wondered if a faery of some sort had found its way into my dream. She looked a little disappointed.

"What's your name?" I asked just so that she would talk some more.

"Juno." She smiled a little, "But your friend calls me Jude."

"Which friend of mine?" I asked curiously and she bit her lip before giving my bare chest a thorough once over and shifting closer.

"A very lucky girl by the looks of things." She stared into my eyes and smiled mischievously. "Let me remind you." She slipped her hand out of mine and brushed her fingers up along my chest before raising herself up slightly and pressing her mouth to mine. It had been a long time since I had had a dream like that, a beautiful dream, a dream girl. I held her at her waist and pulled her closer sighing slightly and feeling her cool skin relax against me. She moved with a sure confidence, her mouth slightly parted against mine, the pressure measured, her breasts pressed against me brazenly as I ran a thumb gently across her ribs. She smiles against my mouth, sucking erotically on my lower lip as she shivered underneath my hands and pulled us up so that I was sitting up straight with her in my lap. She moved back just a millimetre. A shudder ran through my skin;

She sighed over my mouth and I realise we are some place else, that we are on a large old fashioned bed and I tasted sugar on my tongue. I cleared my throat as a blush crept into my cheeks.

"I…" I didn't know what I was planning to say but I'm sure something smooth was on its way out before she cut across me.

"Don't you ever let me do that again." The girl smirked at me and I quirked an eyebrow before continuing. "Now tell me if you remember anything now, Sirius Black," Juno demanded. I shrugged. I realised I was wearing a cotton shirt and she still lay draped across me, mostly naked. I shook my head.

"Sorry." She climbed off of my to sit beside me, sighing wearily.

"Well, even though there is literally no indication that that was going to work it was worth a shot, don't you think?" She smiled at me again and I was captivated by her strange eyes. I said nothing.

"She did say you were a good kisser, I was just making sure she hadn't deluded herself." I frowned down at her but my vanity couldn't help but ask.

"Was she?" The sprite glanced over coyly before suddenly seeming to sober greatly.

"Before sunset tomorrow you will go to the Ministry of Magic Sirius Black." Suddenly the dark presence that haunted so many of my dreams felt disturbingly close, I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Why?" I asked quietly, and felt the beginnings of anger rise in me as I grew weary of the faeries tricks.

"Because I know destiny and if you don't go now by choice you, soon will by fate, and then it will be you who needs saving." A slightly manic smile flitted across my lips as she said this and I felt the beginning of fear. There was nothing more laughable to my broken soul than fear. The girl put her hand on the side of my face and turned me to her as she spoke. She was so strange but she made me feel safe, I felt like she was really trying to warn me. Everything about her seemed so true as she continued.

"There will be no one to save you if you don't save the one before the setting of the sun. Some with me." She took my hand and pulled me from the canopied bed, as she opened the curtains we stared out over a stone atrium, in the middle stood an arch and in the arch stood a monster.

"It can not see you," said the colourless girl standing beside me in a pair of my underwear and a t-shirt with a muggle cartoon on it. I used to wear that shirt to annoy my Mother, it brushed the tops of her thighs. She held my hand again, she was such a steadfast being, her touch was firm and assertive as she guided me toward the veil. I tried not to look at the demon, I tried not to stare at the hunched skeletal creature bathed in its smoking black cloak as its red eyes stared at the girl beside me with a large feral grin.

"Can it see you?" I asked and she did not turn away from the monster as she answered.

"Yes." I blanched as the things hovered closer toward her and gnashed it's teeth at her. She smiled frighteningly at it and for a moment she looked equally inhuman. She hissed threateningly.

"But it can not understand me, or hurt me as long as I touch you."

I nodded slowly before my heavy, terrified tongue shifted to ask a question, I hated not having the answers. "Are we really here?" I asked, recoiling slightly as my voice bounced off the atrium.

"I'm as here as I can be, you are at home in your bed. I am there too, watching over you. I am with her and so is it, it is watching over her." I shuddered as I imagined the grotesque creature whispering to someone in there sleep, and suddenly the dark manifestations sickly aura felt familiar and I felt nauseous.

"He will bring her here and carry her through there unless you stop it, you are going to have to take that ring and put it on her finger and save her with true loves kiss. Her life is in your hands." A charred skeletal hand which reeked of burning flesh reached out for the girl as she said this but she simply took a step back and flipped him the finger before shuddering into smoke. I was have way between incredulous laughter and crying when I realised I had shifted with her and we were sitting in a closed muggle restaurant in a booth that smelt strongly of cigarettes.

"But do that you will, of course, have to fall in love with her," the girl stated, as she threw her feet over the edge of the table, she was dressed in an ankle length old fashioned blue grey witches dress and wiggling her toes at me.

"I don't know if I can fall in love at all, never mind to some girl I've only just met," I hissed, starting to feel more then a little animosity toward the dream walking woman. She lent across the table and smiled as she put her feet back on the floor and lifted my shirt, I was about to question her as she shifted further across the table and spoke right into my ear.

"I knew you'd say that, but don't worry, you're already in love with her, you have just been a fucking idiot about it." She smiled as she pressed a shockingly cold finger to the curved tattoo above and to the right of my naval and applied painful amounts of pressure. It felt like a thousand painful and small knots were attaching and tugging along my body forcefully making me cry out as my head felt ready to pop.

"Just one more for the road, you really are a beauty." Exhaling shakily I received another bizarre kiss from the beautiful woman before feeling the pain dissipate and falling away from the dream.

* * *

 

I sat up in bed with a start, my head buzzing and my hair on end as I clutched at my sweat drenched shirt over my fast beating heart and stared at the faded stationary muggle girl glues permanently to the wall. The sun shone into the room as I remembered the sweet smell of her skin and the sizzle of misunderstood magic in her every touch. How she had changed my entire heart;

"Jodie."

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A/N: thanks for reading and PLEASE REVIEW!


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